The Truth About Being a Pretty Single Girl #SadGirlDiaries

[Alyssa11]

Yes it’s another rant. I think I’m going to make this a series (after all, I am a writer).

If you’re sick of hearing about my love life you don’t really have to read on. I’m wondering if any other girls feel this way too?

I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me now. I’m a virgin and I’ve saved it for this long because I know what I want and I want a committed relationship with mutual respect and loyalty. But the men I’m meeting ain't SHIT. And despite what people think, women get horny too and saving your virginity for this long is tough.

And then there’s the added pressure of your friends and family finding their soulmates and getting married too. Not to toot my own horn, but I was that friend, that cousin, who was always the prettiest, kindest and graduated from a top university. My focus wasn’t on relationships until I got my career together, and now I look around and most of my friends and cousins are in happy relationships or married.

I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but I don’t want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I’d rather never be married than be married to a liar or a cheater. I want to marry my best friend. But I just haven’t met that one right guy. The guys who have loved me have abused me or cheated on me, and all I want is a guy who’s straight up about his intentions, and who treats me with respect and loyalty.

Please don’t say ‘focus on yourself’, because I am. I never dated properly until I finished my education. I work out five days a week too as a hobby. I’m also a writer. I have my shit together. And one of my goals is to have a family.

[RealMarek]

Part of the reason the men you are meeting are not impressive is that delayed adolescence and immaturity is common among people in their 20s. You might need to be patient and wait for a few more years (I understand how difficult this is while maintaining virginity), at which point some men close to your age will be more mature. Alternatively, you may choose to date older men who are in their late 20s who are more apt to be established, mature, and ready to have a family.

As for trust issues, I think taking relationships slowly is important. Learn about personality disorders (like narcissism) and how to spot them. Watch for little signs of how a man treats others: is he respectful to servers in restaurants, to customer service people on the phone? If you can get to know a man’s friends and family, or have mutual friends, you can learn about the man’s reputation. That might help.

[Alyssa11]

Thank you this is actually super helpful. You’re also right, I feel like guys in their late 20s are much better lol.

[RealMarek]

I’m glad it helped. You’re young and have some time to wait for the right guy. No need to put up with immaturity or abuse, or to be rushed by any man trying to get too close to you too quickly before you can get a sense of who he really is.

[na2398]

Friend, I rarely open GaG these days but came across this and would love to say- You're going a great job! In the process of dping what you love to do, there would come across a guy who might not have the exact same interests as you but cares, respects, gives you space and unconditional love. It is very tough to find these days but the harder you try to spot an oasis in the desert, the likelier it'd turn out to be a mirage. :) Hope you get what I'm saying. Stay safe.

No one should judge you for being a virgin. I am as well. :) Don't wanna lose it anytime soon. Am prepared to wait for years and years.

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!! This made me feel better :)

[na2398]

I am glad it did. :) Stay blessed! :)

[zeitgeist057]

Sorry, but I think people are getting worse unfortunately, not better. At least when it comes to the relationship department. Everyone seems to want perfection, but they don't bother making themselves perfect for their perfect-partner-to-be. They seem to want a perfect partner to come along and fit every aspect of their life without inconveniencing them at all.

Realistically, that's not going to happen. I'm NOT perfect, not even close. But I will use myself as an example of a person who more or less has their life reasonably together to illustrate what I mean.

1. I have a job - I make more than I need to pay all my bills and have extra money to invest in retirement or vacations, etc. I only work two days a week.
2. I have investments and financial stability - my money works for me to make more money. I have a retirement plan and goals for enjoying my retirement as an adventure, not just sitting around waiting to die.
3. I stay physically fit - I work out at least 3 days/ week, sometimes up to 5, and I also sometimes get some little exercises in at work if I have time and energy.
4. I stay connected socially/to loved ones- I call siblings and other family members and friends on a regular basis. I go on trips to visit and have people come visit me. I go out or have people over at my home.
5. I stay mentally fit - I am pursing higher education and career advancement. I practice languages, math, learn new skills and practice old skills regularly.

Now the point of this isn't to say omg look how balanced and amazing I am, it's just to show it's a lot to balance and do. There are only so many hours in a day and days in a week, I often feel there is never enough time to stay on top of everything. I have a mate from work who goes out hiking 5km with me every M, W, F. But I have to keep going even if he doesn't show.

I would love to add a romantic interest/partner into this mix, but so far it's been a bunch of misses every girl I meet is somewhat like me but she's got her own set of things she is juggling and when do we find time to spend together?

But more to address your post/question/truth, I think you are meeting shit guys who have a lot of time on their hands because they are wasters. I have to admit I used to be less driven, and spent a lot of time just messing about with girls and it took up a lot of time, but I had some really great relationships come out of it. But that's because I would spend quality time with them rather than on developing myself, working for financial gain or any of the other things I mentioned above.

In the end though, it usually comes down to either they or I have some things we want to do in life and we are going different directions and out of respect for their freedom and my own we just go our own way.

[Alyssa11]

I’ve now learned that looking at a man’s drive in his career and just overall life is really important. Like you said, there’s too many wasters...

[zeitgeist057]

Figuring out who is a "waster" that will never apply themselves and the difference between them and those who are "wasting" time having fun but also have the ability and drive to work hard as well as play hard.

[zeitgeist057]

as for your virginity, respect to your life choices, but I would also not get too hung up on "saving it just to save it". I'm not a virgin, nor did I think it would be a good idea to "save myself". From my perspective, sex is an experience that we share with another person, and the more I know about pleasing other people and myself, the more satisfying the experience will be for both of us.

I totally get the "saving yourself" perspective as well, though, and it's very sweet to think that you want to wait and find someone and share that for the first time together with someone else who is also having their first time. I would be worried that doing that puts a lot of expectation and pressure on that first time, so if it is not a good "fit", then it could be traumatizing or at least extremely disappointing.

[Alyssa11]

Thanks. I totally get what you’re saying but it’s just not my personality to sleep with someone I don’t feel comfortable with. Unfortunately I never had a healthy romantic relationship before. If I can at least look back and think “well he was a good boyfriend at the time”, that would be great.

[zeitgeist057]

That's too bad you've not felt that comfortable yet. I don't know how you are at all, so I'm not trying to throw accusations around, but I was having a conversation the other day and this came up:
www.mindbodygreen.com/.../attachment-theory-and-the-4-attachment-styles

I'm wondering if where you are on the spectrum might have something to do with your lack of deeper intimacy in relationships thus far, or if there seems to be a certain type of guy that you are attracting and their type may be a barrier to intimacy?

Maybe, maybe not, but more information and a new perspective is often a good thing, so at least it could help you understand yourself and/or others a little better?

[chupacabron]

Long answer incoming. I won't take gloves so if you are easily offended don't waste your time here, you will just not enjoy it.

Anyway.

I am a man, 23, virgin by choice for the same reasons as yours. You have chosen a difficult path. If you ever feel tired you can :
feel morally superior (without being an ass ofc)
remember all the pity dramas you've avoided
be proud of doing something many couldn't
that once you'll find your special someone, everything will be worth it
all/a mix of the above

You need to look actively for someone you'll like.

There are two profiles of men that could fit, IMHO :
Case 1 :
Someone who isn't afraid of saying his opinions. It shows that he can resists peer pressure, can be held accountable and can defend his (and your) opinions and ideals.

Someone honest. You can't build anything serious without it. It's something very easy to check.

Values the idea of sacrifice. Shows that he can hold some ideals to the highest esteem.

Someone with a strong moral compass. He might appear a bit righteous sometimes. Typically, an eye for an eye mindset.

Someone coherent. If he starts saying things that contradicts each-others, he is either bullshitting or just an useful idiot parroting what he heard. Someone logical will avoid doing stupid shits.

Not afraid of shunning people that did wrong.

Case 2)
Someone very quiet. He will want safety above all and will hate taking risk.

Once again, you'll have to be very proactive. Case 1 is rare and getting rarer in this highly progressive and politically correct era we live in.
Case 2 is super common but hard to see because they might stay in their own cocoon and never get out of it.

Expect to end up with someone slightly socially awkward : not aiming for the easy way is already weird for human beings, even more so with peer pressure going against it. Going beyond our primal urges means a strong which will often lead in conflicts and, less socially acceptable demeanor. So don't be afraid.

[MzAsh]

You and I actually sound a lot alike.
I was 19 when I lost my virginity. I had been with my high school sweetheart at the time for 2 years. I didn’t really want to wait until marriage, but I did want to wait until I felt i I was with the one I’d marry and we were both in love and the relationship felt secure. And that’s what happened.
The only thing was, then …life happened. We found out afterwards that he had severe mental health issues developing that would make it pretty impossible for us to have a healthy relationship. The symptoms were already there but I hadn’t recognized them until I did some reading.
You have the right to save your virginity, but please don’t get caught up in fairytales.
You’re going to make mistakes.
And your narrative might not happen the way you intend for it to. Many things rarely do.
At 23, you’re many years away from understanding a lot about men, relationships, and sex. It me taken me two decades, professional training, and studying personality and clinical psychology and I’m still learning.
The truth is, the guy you eventually give your virginity to is very likely not going to be the guy who ends up being the best guy for you in the long run. It’s extremely tough to actually manage that with no field experience.

[Alyssa11]

Thank you girl!! It’s nice how you did end up losing your virginity to a guy that you at least shared some good times with :) that’s great.

[AlexanderAnttila]

As I have mentioned before, you might be looking for men in the wrong places, or the wrong kinds of men. The Bible speaks of marriage thus; Ephesians 5:25-33: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church."

Biblical marriages are reflections of Christ's relationship with, and love for, the Church (body of Christ i. e. Believers), and are as such extremely important and serious matters. I for one am not at all stressed to find a wife, because I know the Lord directs my steps in marriage, and His timing is infallible, even if my human mind and patience may sometimes falter, His plan for my life is perfect and that always brings peace of mind. This is also why I do not idolize marriage as something that will fulfill me, because only Christ can fill that spot and truly fulfill my soul. Which is why Jesus says: Matthew 10:37 "He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." Because earthly marriages, although of God and even as they are good gifts to be enjoyed, aren't perfect, and putting them above your relationship with the Lord will always disappoint, which might be why He sometimes keeps marriage from a Christian until they learn what to prioritize, both for the sake of truth and for their own best. So that they'll have their utmost faith not in a human but in Him, and that will ensure that you never falter whatever happens here on earth.

[Alyssa11]

Thank you for sharing. I do believe in God and I like to learn about different perspectives. Although I’m not a Christian, the bible and other religious scriptures inspire me as a believer.

Just to add to that, I am a Muslim. Though not religious I am to some extent spiritual. Marriage is looked at as completing “half of your religion”. God wants us to be married, have families and procreate for many reasons. There’s also the belief that there is someone for everyone - “And we created you in pairs” [78:8]. Of course there is free will, and people get into all kinds of relationships and marriages, but within those pairs there’s also the verse “Vile women are for vile men, and vile men are for vile women; and good women are for good men, and good men are for good women. Those are free from what they (the accusers) say. For them there is forgiveness, and a graceful provision.”

Thank you for sharing!!

[AlexanderAnttila]

Glad to have an exchange! :)

[Crazybeeguy]

🤗I agree with you wholeheartedly, that's why I've never been married.
I have been close a couple of times, I mostly hadn't found my soulmate.
I put a lot of energy into my relationships, but I didn't get that energy back from them. That energy I put into them helped them a lot, but it left me drained.
Then I started to travel, meeting people in different countries, both men and women. Making friends, seeing if my soulmate was out there, I didn't want to settle for someone that would be bad for me. That's why I have many female friends, I put my energy into relationships. If the person is not healthy for me then, I won't be in a relationship or marriage for that matter. I want to be married once and never married again. As I get older I ask myself if my soulmate is still out there, with women getting my age some are dying some are settling down. Maybe my soulmate gave up looking for me 😞. Then I asked myself would GOD play such a cruel joke, give us something as beautiful as love for our soul, with the slim possibility of never finding our soulmate? Could we only have one soulmate with a chance to never meet? I don't think so, but it is just a hypothesis. I know what you are going through, I lived it. I wish I had the answer, as time goes on it gets harder and harder to connect with people on a fundamental level; with so many illusions out there pretending to be your "one" with nothing to really offer back. There's much more to talk about but that would require more pages to write in a blank book. Stay thirsty my friend

[Alyssa11]

This was a good read until I read the last sentence

[Crazybeeguy]

I close a lot of my writing with stay thirsty my friend

[Anonymous]

Women don’t get horny the way men do.. and masturbation is the answer to that. With that said, your problems are definitely emotion related. You seem to feel lonely and left out for the reasons you stated. This isn’t what you will want to hear, but almost ALL women make compromises when it comes to their marriage. Men do too, but mostly women. The main reason the majority of women accept men’s marriage proposals is because they are afraid of being alone the rest of their lives, and want to start a family. As you know, women are not fertile for their entire lives.

They know they must accept their partner’s flaws or they’ll never be happy with anyone. Most women don’t marry their “perfect” man because he almost certainly wouldn’t be interested or attracted to them the way they’d hope.. which seems to be your case. Based on what you’ve said, I don’t think there is anything serious wrong with you, other than possibly a mild anxiety disorder. It’s great you put your education above relationships on your priority list and I believe you should continue with a career in the same way. You sound like an independent women which is an amazing thing, but you might not be relationship material. One day, it will just “happen” when you least expect it. Just remember, there are girls that are FAR prettier than you who are just as alone as you are. Be patient and focus on yourself. 😊

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!

And yes I do have an anxiety disorder lol. I started medication since I wrote this post and my life has CHANGED. Thank goodness.

[ChrisMaster69]

Ouch, that is actually a tough read.

I understand where you are coming from.

I have a few friends who are in similar boats, some from complete lack for trust from previous emotional and physical abuse but still wanting to have kids etc. Their entire trust thing is a mess, as friends we cannot do much for them, other than be there for them, which helps emotionally but not with other stuff.

Age group and location are going to play against you with the Trust, Respect and Loyalty side of things,

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!

The thing I learned about trust since my last relationship is that it’s completely personal. So what I mean to say, is first of all I can sit here and play victim but I can also admit that I was the common denominator in those relationships. And if I am having a hard time trusting someone new, it’s because I don’t trust myself. And trusting yourself again can be accomplished but it’s a journey. Thankfully I’ve been on that journey and since my last breakup, I’ve talked to a few guys here and there and made the decision to cut things off when I realise it’s no good for me. That’s helped me trust myself again to make the right decision when meeting someone new. It’s really that simple to fix the trust issue. Well, theoretically it’s simple but in practice it needs a bit of hard work and patience.

[ChrisMaster69]

@alyssa11 having been through a divorce and a couple of relationship break ups, yeah learning trust and learning about yourself is fairly key to things.

[Alyssa11]

For sure! :)

[JustinTimberlegs]

Hugs I know the feeling. There is nothing wrong with you though, even if you can't find a partner it doesn't mean you aren't good enough, everyone is on their own journey.
I know it's hard but try not to compare yourself to others, just because they have a family and settled down doesn't mean they are better off, everyone has their struggles.
Try to be present in the moment and do something today that will bring you joy. Great job on saving yourself and staying true to your values for so long, I hope you find the person that you are looking for.
Take care!

[Alyssa11]

Ahhh thank you!!

[Lliam]

A really good MyTake, Alyssa. I hear where you are coming from and can't identify anything that you are doing wrong, so I don't have any particular advice.

Part of the problem is, few guys gain emotional maturity until at least their later 20s.

Speaking for myself, I had girlfriends from the time I was 16, but I had no interest in marriage or family. The fact is, I knew that I was too immature to be a good husband or father. It wasn't until I was in my mid-30s that I decided to think about finding a life partner and settling down.
The most amazing woman I ever met (besides my wife) was 31 when I was 37. I loved her with my heart and soul and she loved me.
Not that my personal experience necessarily applies to you.

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!! And thank you for sharing. That’s interesting. I definitely do prefer guys a bit older than me.

[DaveToo]

The technical description of virginity is a thin bit of flesh inside the vagina that has not been broken. Girls and women, through various forms of exercise, can tear that piece of flesh, rendering virginity a moot point.

The emotional, and sometimes religious aspect of virginity, is the vagina never having been penetrated with an object, whether it be a penis or a broomstick. In ancient days it was essential that a woman remain a virgin for when her husband penetrates her.

Girls, particularly those involved in some form of recreation, such as horseback riding, have broken that piece of flesh. So, save yourself if you wish. Some spots you may have attributed to your period may have been your hymen breaking.

[Alyssa11]

I understand. I’m referring to penetration here.

[DaveToo]

If you consider penetration as loss of virginity, blood on the bedspread or not, you would no longer be a virgin in your mind, if not in your vagina.

[TonyMetal___86]

There is nothing wrong in what you have said, you deserve to be in love and to get married and to have your own family...

Things will come in the right time, it's hard to wait and your right about it but at least your waiting for the right one!

Since you have focused on your education and career, now it's time for you to focus on your love life and to find mr. right...

Your not the only one on this boat, believe me that your still a lot better than a lot of people who are on this boat too...

Don't talk too much about your career and education and about financials because some men do hate it, personally i don't care what the women works or what her financial status is cause i want a woman who adores becoming a housewife after marriage, which means i only care about her, what she have inside, the way she thinks and what she's able to offer and how does she see her future life...

[Alyssa11]

Thank you. I feel like to some extent you understand where I’m coming from being Middle Eastern and all...

And that’s nice. I’m sometimes worried about guys who ask about my career and care about this stuff so they can get a better mortgage deal for a bigger house if they marry me. Definitely avoiding these kinds of people!

[TonyMetal___86]

Yep i know how you think miss alyssa rapunzel and that's why i never want to see you sad or hurt or in pain because you have a white heart and your someone good and i'm sure that there is always a smile on your face even though i never saw you but i can feel what kind of a person you are...

I hate it when good women like you are being treated badly while they are rare and should be admired and appreciated...

A man who cares about your financisl status and abour your career ain't worthy to have you...

What a woman can give to her man is a lot more precious and valuable than money, also a man is called a man for a reason, if you can't be a real man who can hold the responsibilities of a wife and a family than you don't have the right to ask for a real lady...

Money can be earned in anyway but you can't find a good girl everyday, money gives you temporary happiness while a wife gives you permanent happiness...

It's good to earn money and to spend it on your family to make them happy and to feed them and that's why your called the man of the house and your wife treats you like a king because your doing your best to give them a happy lovely decent life and not a king to beat, cheat and lie!!

I hope that god fullfill your wishes miss alyssa rapunzel 😊

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!! That is really kind. I totally agree with you

[TonyMetal___86]

Your welcome 😌

[TheBigGuy9]

I will say being an older gent that America has become more sexualized and then there’s social media and what is being taught in school today that it’s going to be very hard for you to find a good man. Still, don’t lose hope. Change your world possibly? The people you surround yourself with? It sounds like you could benefit from an old fashioned man. A hard worker who puts the needs of his family over himself. Who never lays a hand on his wife. Who never cheats on her. Someone who has laser focus in life. Strong discipline. Loving, caring.
I enjoy reading. Your write well.

[Alyssa11]

Thank you for the compliment! You’re definitely right in that I should change my social circle.

[Z1pTD]

I know what you mean. It’s hard and really annoying sometimes, but that makes it even more special when you marry. My older sister was the same as you (pretty, good grades and job, etc.) and didn’t get married until 34. She told me it was worth it. I respect your achievements (especially being a writer #hobbies) and your goal of having a family. I hope you find a good husband who will stay faithful. Some advice from my 40+ years married parents: marriage is hard even if the person is perfect for you, you’re no longer independent and now you have to care for someone. #1 tip is always let each other know where you are if you aren’t with them. #2 tip is be able to have good conversations especially when you’re apart. #3 tip be honest and forgiving so that when you mess up you can tell you’re partner and end the conversation trusting each other. That’s what I’ve been holding onto, I hope it’s worth the wait!

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!!

[Z1pTD]

You’re welcome :)

[DeepThoughtday]

what do you look for in a guy? I said this in my take but if your only barometer of should i date this guy is (ooo he's fit) then chances are your dating for the wrong reason (It doesn't sound like that's what your doing but for benefit of all.) your life your body do what makes you happy when it comes to dating guys please don't do what a lot of women do and reject a guy just because he isn't as handsome s that other guy in the corner. being mentally attracted to someone is as important if not more important then being physically attracted (Yes this take is written by a ugly guy make of that what you will)

[Andres77]

In doing things that are important to you you'll bump into a guy that has the same interests and hopefully that friendship will grow and blossom.
You're doing it right.
Don't rush it.
By the time I was 23 I had two divorces under my belt.
My wife now of 18 years, a true blessing.
Be patient.

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!! I really appreciate your comment.

[Celtero]

Eh, I'm older than you and being a virgin isn't hard at all. It would get in my head sometimes when I was 19 or 20 but that was it. Masturbation and porn is great. Obese trash humans manage to have sex so it's not like there's anything special or glorious about it like some people want you to believe.

And uh, I don't know what dating as a woman is like at all, so I can't speak to that. So... sucks for you, I guess!

[Alyssa11]

You must have this thing called low libido

[Alyssa11]

I can’t relate lol

[Celtero]

Low libido? Not especially... Unless you consider masturbating multiple times a day still low libido.

[Jamesmooreisherenow]

Definitely not if he watches porn and masturbates. It’s actually extremely rare for a man in his 20s to have low libido. It’s just his choice and some people have self control over their primal instincts.

[Dragonpurple]

I really hope your able to find your Mr. Perfect as as close as you can get... I'll say there is no perfect person but you can get somewhat close.

You really do deserve it after what you've been through, keep looking... I have no doubt there is a man out there right now (probably loads of them) thinking the same thing.

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!!! You’re awesome! I was having a bad day this is genuinely making me feel better.

[Clarke498]

Oh, i agree with the bit about keeping your virginity. I skipped on the one clear chance i had, and now the pressure sucks...

I relate a bit too much to this. Not the sad part about cheaters, or the good past, but the pressures and the wishes for the future 😭

[Alyssa11]

Hope things get better for us both soon!!

[Clarke498]

Yeah 😊 Just gotta get in better shape and find a way to meet girls. How do you meet guys?

[Alyssa11]

Um I don’t know it just happens lol. How about you?

[Clarke498]

I don't lol. Because i really don't want Tinder, and I'm starting to fear that i have to.

[Alyssa11]

Try tinder. What’s there to lose

[Clarke498]

I hate the idea of finding the love of my life thanks to an app...

[Alyssa11]

Who cares about idea what matters is you find them!

[Clarke498]

I care. Think it's a bit lame way to find her

[Alyssa11]

Then don’t do it :)

[Likethesky]

I don't have a lot of life xp but I've observed that good relationships find you if you're destined to have one. I mean you have to be lucky... But we don't know the future. All we can do is just continue doing our thing, try to be happy. Most importantly pray to God (if religious) and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Your shit may be TOO together. Men want to feel like they can add value to your life. If you are an attractive professional, it might be hard for the *good* ones to approach you. That’s personal experience talking…