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I just want to point out that it's not just females who string along guys... if these standards qualify as the "friend zone' then geez... I've been friend zoned many times now then.
Same here. For some its code for the girl that won't sleep with me. I have a long time friend who is a guy I know he is a attracted me, but we had a personal conversation and agreed to only be friends because we have such a great bond. I dont see anything wrong with having a male/female friendship. Its refreshing being around a guy whos not perusing you for his carnal needs. I mean its bad to lead people on but this was just clear communication.
@bearealist Exactly!!!
Except chances are he's hung up on you, hoping you'll see him differently one day, pining for the day you'll change your mind and give him a chance to show you how much he loves you. If he's deluding himself, and you know it because you know you'll never be romantically attracted to him, then you're stringing him along each time you accept his tenderness and love that you know he gives you in hopes of reciprocation, each time you flirt or act pouty and girly around him... and you crush his soul a little more with every boyfriend you take.
@Perpligued
Same thing can be said about me and guys I've had feelings for who stringed me along. I know the hurt you are talking about. There's a reason I cry myself to sleep most nights and have a bad self esteem. It's not just guys who struggle with it. I've had to realize that you cannot change people and shouldn't cling onto false hope. You have to let go as soon as you realize this person doesn't want you.. even if it's really hard. I've had to give up on the love of my life 2 weeks ago and it was the most difficult thing but I knew I couldn't cling onto any hope anymore. You have to move on with your life. It's not anyone else's fault other than your own if you choose to stick around despite them stating the facts.
@Perpligued
You cannot blame someone who doesn't have feelings and who have made that clear. It's in your hands then what you want to do with the situation.
Sounds like you understand the pain, and how easily one "friend" can take advantage of another who has stronger feelings for the other. I'm not trying to say that person is evil, or even necessarily does it on purpose, only that, as inamorata describes in her article above, it's often done unconsciously or even somewhat carelessly and selfishly.
Yes, guys do it too, and it often manifests itself as more of a "meaningless sex zone," or "friends with benefits zone," where they take advantage of a girl who has feelings for them. I've been that guy. We will often tell the girl we aren't serious, but it's usually the girl who gets strung along. Friend zone and just sex zone are two sides to the same coin. If that person were a true friend, he/she would see how much his/her actions tear their "friend" apart and leave them be for their own good.
@Perpligued
I don't really agree with your last point. If you are 100% aware someone likes you and have made your intentions clear then I don't see why YOU have to end the friendship as the person who doesn't have the feelings. That can cause major issues of abandonment and can actually sting a lot too. It would kill me to confess my feelings to someone only for them to say they are not interested and to then suddenly completely cut me out of their life. I wouldn't like that. I'd feel like I had no power and no say in the situation. As least when you as the person who got rejected walk away it was your decision and you have that level of power which can boost confidence. I wouldn't have liked people I used to fancy to just leave me without a reason after I spilled my heart out to them. That would be more hurtful for some people. I could never just reject someone too and then just walk away. I'd want it to be their decision.
I agree with that, it shouldn't be all on the person receving the attention to break things off entirely. But if the guy or girl with greater feelings keeps offering them up, they shouldn't be encouraged and often they should not be accepted.
For example, if I know a girl has feelings for me and that sex for her is meaningful rather than just good fun, it's better for me to be her friend and withhold sex even when offered. In similar fashion, when a girl knows a guy has feelings for her, and will basically wait on her hand and foot because he cares, she should not take advantage of that under the guise of "well, he's just a good friend who enjoys doing things for me." In both cases the girl/guy is doing things for reasons beyond platonic friendship. Encouraging and accepting that behavior is leading her/him on.
Thank you for writing this. You are so spot on with this take.
Dang that was insightful. A take that I rather enjoyed for its been awhile since reading one that made me think.
Very impressively well written. Especially how you explain both female and male points of view with clear understanding how both parties feel about romantic vs. platonic intentions.
i mostly agree but guys do also look for platonic relationships. mostly if they´re physically not attracted.
I sincerely think that's true... IF he's not physically attracted.
But in my whole life, I have seen only one pair of friends in such a predicament. One, out of doesnds I met so far.
:) some of my best friends are female and i´d never be interested in more than friendship. allthough one of them said that she had feelings once so it seems it doesn´t allways work.
i think the guy should take responsibility here...
nobody is owed dating or attention...
that sounds harsh, but then i think this is why the friendzone exists..
She never said that guys deserved dates, just clear answers rather than being led on. But you're right, guys who remain in the friendzone have nobody to blame but themselves. Either get over your feelings or end the friendship, just don't whine about her not reciprocating your feelings.
cannot she answer for herself? or are you her dad/bf?
Great take, I agree with you. Although in the end the personal responsibility is the guys own, but the girls certainly have a shared responsibility as well.
I don't know when this was written, but this an OUTSTANDING TAKE. By FAR the best take I've ever read on GAG. I only wish this could be republished on female dating advice websites and magazines.
I'm going to reference this take whenever I come across future questions/takes about the friendzone.
BRAVO! BRAVISIMA! (I think I did that right...) Although, I prefer the friend zone. Being a friend is my thing. I wouldn't mind being used by a female friend, if it helps her out.
This is an incredibly insightful and well-written take! Wow! Really well done! If the sight had a top-10 takes section by quality, this should most certainly be on it, probably near the very top.
OMG I LOVE THAT ANIME/MANGA. I like how pretty you made the take too, ahue.
Nice to hear a woman own up to the part they play. Enjoyed your take.
Great article! You show talent in all of this friendship zone!
Of course its a female who wrote this, the author being a female will never experience the friend zone.
Kimi ni Todoke! *-* <3
Fucking thank you! Finally someone who gets it!
Also I've been in that situation before. A girl who I had been chasing for years was talking about finally getting together with me and this and that. Only to suck me dry of my resources and get with another guy. I had never felt so damn empty in my life. Most people tend to forget that attraction is not a choice. yet she chose to make the best out of feelings that were totally out of my control. I was tired of seeing her hurt of seeing her fucked over. I wanted the best for her but that wasn't the case with me I guess. We aren't friends anymore. I think she got a kick out of being able to kick someone when she felt messed up about her self image.
Thank you very much for posting this.
Great take!!
preach it sista!!
Well thought out