Friendzone Is Real Ladies, Please Be Kind To Him

[inamorata]

It's so easy to be friends with someone who is attracted to us.

It's easy, because unlike a real friendship in which you must synchronise, give and take in order to form a bond, hell even have things in common... When people of the opposite sex start "friendships", they are never really motivated by genuine platonic appreciation for someone. Sex hormones are the ones who move the relationship forward for the giving party, while the receiving party feels flattered and cared for.

It's easy to be friends with someone who is trying to show you he would be the best boyfriend you can ever find. It's easy when you know he'd move mountains for you. It's easy when you feel beautiful every time he looks at you...

Not as much, when that same guy sees you like everyone else, when he has nothing to prove, no hormonal motivation to push him to be "sweet" and expects you to be on equal footing, entertaining and caring for him in turn.

99% (yeah I pulled the number out of my rectum) of women know when their friends want them. Many women flirt with their friends all the time. Some of them even get possessive and compete for his attention with potential romantic partners.

They string the guy along for attention, affection, appearance of popularity/desirability, ego stroking, safety net in case she can't find someone better, favours... And it's so easy, it's so comfortable, it's so nice to be THAT loved by a friend. Surely men make much better friends than women! Right?

Wrong!

I am not here ridding guys of free agency. Of responsability for their choices. But it's time to be fair ladies and admit we do play a part in this too.

It's not your fault if the guy insists on being your lapdog, It's not your fault if he manages to deceive you. I get, it happens. Here you are, buying matching BFF necklaces and he's secretly naming your children. Fine. It's not you, Miss Ignorant. You're excused.

(also most likely 8)

But most of you know... Most of you play these subtle mind games and use this guy's attention in every way he'll allow you. And you justify it by pretending you don't know, you justify it because he is allowing you to use him.

You play dumb.

You lie, even to yourself. Like a drug dealer accusing the addicted buyer of being the only one to blame when ruining their body, without admitting they are the ones who maintain the whole scenario just as well.

Love/attraction hormones ARE like a drug, the guy is like that addict looking for a fix. And you are there to provide...

He'll feel used.

He'll miss opportunities to find someone to love.

He'll lose a girlfriend.

He'll become guarded and cinical.

Despite him "choosing" to be your friendzone guy, you enabled it. Admit some of the blame, have some compassion. Be kind for one second and consider what love does to a person.

No, this is not some"evil patriarchal male program" that makes him think he's owed sex. It's just an unsure guy who really liked you. Without any skill in the art of seduction, he will feel deceived. He genuinely thinks he is making progress. Or hopes he is. Hopes with all his heart. And you allow those thoughts, allow that hope to thrive.

Admit it at least to yourself.

And then be firm, be cold, be honest, be clear, be direct and crush his hopes. I'm not asking you to walk away. I'm not asking you to make this decision for him. I'm not asking you to be cruel. But make it fair. Make it easy. Be kind. Tell him you don't want any misunderstandings. Tell him you would never date him, let him know how little you're attracted to him, and finally do your best to never, ever allow your words, or actions to indicate otherwise.

In the end, when he genuinely moves on, if he still wants to hang out and be your friend, you really are as interesting as you first thought. ;)

And if you're one of those ladies who don't really know what they are feeling. One of those who might like him, but not really, but then again... If you don't want him soon, he's not yours to keep.

He's a living being, not a toy.

Hurry up! Even if you don't have your answer, pick one. After enough time has passed, you have to. He is actually waiting. That's all this is. Don't just leave him like that. Say something definitive. Ruin that "friendship" for better, or worse if he doesn't. Ruin it for his sake. He might not thank you, but he'll be thankfull.

Let that be enough of a reward, because it means it will ultimately bring him peace and a chance for love.

And you want that for him, don't you?

[aficionado]

@inamorata
Perhaps the best take in GAG history! The word 'friendzone' itself makes me so enraged that I'd want to rip someone's organs out. Strange, considering that I have personally never bern friendzoned. Something about this word is so damn insulting and humiliating.
I was pleasantly surprised that this article came from, a female, considering that it has become 'trendy' in the current era for women to friendzone men left and right, for the most trivial reasons. This is like a slap in their stuck up faces.
And men who choose to REMAIN in the friendzone instead of walking away with their head held high, are nothing but pansies. They're too foolish to realize that women NEVER let men out of the friendzone, unless under exceptional or miraculous circumstances.

[aamy811]

Yeah throat not mutual friendship that's called a one sided relationship. Which doesn't just occur in relationships that have romantic aspects. Little kids do it all the time when another kid has a fancy new toy. That not friendship. Friendship is just a mutual relationship of two people who like each other. I have male friends, we dot like each other I just think they're nice people. They're in relationships, I'm in a relationship yet we hang out, because we genuinely like one another. It's really not thy hard to understand

[BuchitaBuchys]

Though I agree there is some of a "friendzone" thing, it's the person's fault for the most part. I've had guy friends tell me that they did want something with me, though I wasn't interested in them. They got mad, threw a pissy fit. And began tagging me on Facebook with stupid memes saying "all girls put good guys in friendzones". Harassing me, calling me a bitch for not choosing him.
I tell my guy friends straight up, if he likes me, to please don't come near me cuz I don't want him calling me a bitch or disrespecting just cuz I don't want him. That's not something "friends" do in my opinion.
Especially if I'm trying to distance myself, I understand how much it hurts to be rejected. I understand how much it sucks when the person you like doesn't like you back, but it's really childish to call girls bitches and sluts just cuz she doesn't wanna date you.

I have compassion and empathy for others. I don't use anyone. But some guys disrespect the girl and get out of line. That is not something someone "nice' would do.

I'm sure there are girls and guys who get ego trips and do take advantage of those who like them, but not everyone who "friendzones" the guy does.

People act like we're evil and that we do it just to be "bitches" and "sluts". Again, that's not how you treat a friend. Imagine how those guys would've acted with me if I did give them chances?

Point is, if someone's using you, people need to learn to take personal responsibility as well. No one is gonna look out for you like you will. NO ONE. So it's up to you as the "friendzoned" individual to walk away if you're being used, or you feel like you're being used.

[Arcano]

I do not agree that a romantic relationship is necessarily superior to a platonic relationship. And although throughout the article you make a point to say that both parties play a role, and that men must also be accountable -- you then counter that, repeatedly, with how "enabling" women are.

Is a woman's wants not at all weighed in this scenario? I have never met a girl who manipulated her male friends, as the above heavily suggests. Why would they be cruel to a group of guys who they treasure in a way that only best friends can? What is with this demonizing?

A "friend zone," if there truly is one taking place, does not have to be permanent, as long as all individuals have similar feelings.

One gender, male or female, is not entitled to to even mere consideration of the other... it is a two way street, and everyone seeks different traits. Even if a person were to politely reject, it doesn't warrant spite and spitting of "zone" claims. Just difference in what you're looking for, or what you're not looking for.

"Friend zone" is never a term I hear commonly coined by women. That is fine. It isn't an evil duo of words. It's just not as black-and-white, not as one-sided, as stated here.

[Psych]

Pretty much loved this whole piece you did. Sadly I've been in that position before and sadly it has lead me to being a bit cynical but mostly guarding my true emotions.

It's not the fact if a girl that doesn't have feelings for me that gets me, it's the fact that it seems they will string you along and just won't be clear with you upfront until the damage is done.

There are 2 scenarios I know that I was "friend zoned". The first time I can honest to God say the girl was playing head games and I don't like that in a person so I chose to leave their life (and for some reason she thinks we're still friends) and the second time the girl was just straight up honest with me but it wasn't really that devastating bc this person was still one of my best friends and to this day we still talk everyday and enjoy each other's company.

I do believe that term "Friend zone" does exist but I think it's really how you look at it. It's really about how the person chooses to react. Do they still stick around bc they ACTUALLY do being around that person, bitch and moan or just move onto something better.

[Anonymous]

I honestly semi-agree with this MyTake and I think it was wonderfully well written. I agree with pretty much 80% of it; girls aren't stupid when it comes to knowing whether a guy likes them or not, she should be firm with him for sure, and that 99% of MF friendships could easily morph into sex/sexual feelings.

The part that I don't agree with, is the idea that guys are being victimized. At the end of the day, people make the choices they WANT to make. I read a different MyTake that summed this up perfectly: Guys who feel like they were used by girls, aren't any different from chicks who feel like they were used by players. In both cases, the "drug dealer" never promised them anything and wasn't dishonest... at least not directly. If they didn't want to put the effort in, they shouldn't have. HE could have been upfront with what he wanted to, instead of trying to be subtle and manipulative...

Honestly, I think people who are attracted to manipulative/using people are the same way, and they just pretend not to be.

[Opinion Owner]

Also, I don't agree with the idea of guys being 'naive'... At the bare minimum, he probably at least has friends/family that use women for sex, listens to all of the dirty insults and things they say, and so he wouldn't have a totally innocent perspective. This is the 21st century, if you're over 12 then you aren't naive about much.

[kheserthorpe]

Seriously, most guys who aren't players don't have any friends who are. Or family.

[Redrevolver23]

Its the vicious cycle here people. Players that most women are attracted to are not born overnight. They are born from bitch girls fucking them over 85% of the time. Then he goes and fucks over a really nice girl then she becomes a bitch and fucks over a really nice guy and the the cycle goes from there yo. The plot thickens...

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

I do agree that some women string men along with the intention of never dating them. However, I do not agree that "99% of women know when their friends want them." Not pointing out the flaw of 99% lol only the flaw of the assumption that most women know. Most guys (or so it seems) would be willing or possibly very excited to sleep with their female friends. But how am I supposed to tell if a guy actually cares about me or just wants to have sex with me? I've had this happen, and I've had friends who have had it happen too - you think your guy friend likes you, you like him, you hook up with him, and suddenly he stops caring about you. He seemed to care the whole time, but he just wanted sex. And then girls get "fuck zoned." That's why I think the whole friendzone/fuckzone complaints need to just stop. If everyone could just be up front and honest with each other, there wouldn't be any confusion. But that's not going to happen so complaining is pointless.

[Redrevolver23]

That's a pretty obvious factor. The guy who cares about you and doesn't want just sex is the same guy who would help you out of a shitty situation and ask nothing in return like if you got stuck at the airport and it was an hour away. He would come get you happily N not even ask for gas money. He does nice things for you without you asking. Remembers certain details about you even if you don't find them important like your favorite candy or drink and treats you to them when you're down and out. He basically acts like he's your boyfriend but he's not. He's there for you when no one else is. He will pick up his phone at 3am when you're crying and stay up with you until he knows you're OK. Those are the guys this post is referencing.

[weegin]

"No, this is not some"evil patriarchal male program" that makes him think he's owed sex."

I am waiting for the feminists to arrive. Any second now... they will come and tote this Take owner away to wherever they take all the non-compliant women who actually think men might be right.

[UnknownXYZ]

I liked your take a lot. It give a bit of an alternative perspective of the matter. Well done! I remember there was a time where a girl thought she was leading me on and told me that she doesn't have romantic feelings for me. Frustrated and confused, I told her that I just saw her as friend as well; basically the feeling was neutral but it became super awkward between us. She apologized but the awkwardness was still there. Eventually, I asked if we could just go back to the way we were and she say that we could. It seems even bring up the idea that you think your friend may have feelings for you can still be some strain on the relationship (friendship wise),

[LovelySerene]

Even though I love Kimi ni Todoke... I disagree with this take...

Most of my friends are guys and none of them like me in that way, I know that for a FACT! All my friends know that I'm asexual and don't date at all so if any of them did start liking me that way (unlikely) it would be no fault of mine.

Some guys get pissed because I make it very clear that I will not date, and they feel that they deserve a chance... Which isn't right. Many girls don't lead a guy on, the guy mistakes kindness for flirting, and friendship with the possibility of more.

If a guy doesn't speak up about his feelings, it's his own fault.

[singlebeachgirl]

I have to agree that many women "friend zone"men. Many do it for the attention. I never continue to place myself in a situation that would potentially lead anyone on. However for me personally, I really do prefer to hang out with men. Thy are so much less drama. All my male friends I see on a regular basis (usually to watch sports or gain advice about guys I am dating) are in relationships and know up front I don't mess around with other women's men. I never flirt with them either.

[AkumaKira]

Finally, thank you.. a girl who actually realizes that! Wish I could show this to the girls I know and every girl possible : We too reach our limits sometimes after being played... we don't have much strength. And we have even more patience than you think. Girls.. dont wonder why some guys end up hating you after playing with their feelings, making them jealous etc.

[Persang]

I agree with a lot of this. Most girls make little decisions because they enjoy the feeling of being liked by a guy, even if she doesn't like him that way back.

On a side note, I enjoyed the Kimi ni Todoke visuals you used ^_^

[Panorama]

I didn’t enable ish. Lol All I did was be myself and if he chose to interpetr that as some sort of love interest then that’s his problem. These guys need to take personal responsibility for choosing to stay stuck in these imaginary zones. It is not my responsibility to coddle a grown man’s feelings.

[HeartsBloodDupre]

Exactly to a T.

[Panorama]

@HeartsBloodDupre THANK YOU. It is not my duty nor responsibility to coddle an adult because he can’t master his feelings and because he can’t find the proper route to deal with sincerely not being desired romantically. All these guys whining about some imaginary friend zone is exactly why everyone needs to get rejected on the playground at least once so that they don’t grow up and act like they’re entitled for someone to reciprocate romantic interest.

[Punkbuster107]

Thank you very much for posting this. I hope you don't get too much backlash from others, because this really is something people need to know about.

Guys may act confident and independent, but our hearts are as vulnerable as anyone's, and a man who trust a friend-girl with his heart is in a perilous situation unless she handles it carefully.

[Scrambled]

I blame guys, and me, for being such a pussy that I got strung along by these women. The next girl who friendshipzones me is gone immediately, unless I really do need her for something in my life (like colleagues and shit)

[Shmusername]

Very well witten take. I would agree with you for the most part, except for the part where you say friendships between sexes are never genuine. Though perhaps I'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say there. I will say that I have several very close female friends and am not motivated by attraction in those cases.

[The_Eternal_Emperor]

Thank you! Someone who gets it!

[The_Eternal_Emperor]

Oh please, just because I'm a guy doesn't mean my friendships with women are not motivated by platonic interest in them. There is only one girl I want to be with, and as such all my other friendships are purely platonic.

[Redrevolver23]

Still so young and so naive. you will come to learn young grasshopper. No matter what lies you tell yourself. You can't rewrite nature. The world doesn't work that way son.

[The_Eternal_Emperor]

@Redrevolver23 You're fucking kidding, right? You're only 4 years older than me. Stop acting like a wise old sage. I'm not telling myself any lies, nor am I naive.

[Anonymous]

I don't friend zone any guys... Unless they are already in a relationship or I grew up with them... All others that I choose to actually talk to other than a polite greeting... Have a chance... if they want it.

[Keyspirits]

I want it!🙌

[KEKAI123]

It's so easy to be friends with someone who is attracted to us.
I'm a Chinese boy, now in China, even though my English is not good, and some of the words I don't know, but I want to say that everyone should be accepted by others, because he or she is real, so long as he is kind and we should support

[rosacanina]

there's nothing wrong with your English :)

[p0rtis26]

Never used or heard the word friend-zoned until I came to GAG. Find the women that don't play these silly games of saying one thing and doing another. Self-regulate yourself so if you see actions not meeting up with words its bye bye nice knowing you

[been_waiting]

Meh, I'm sure some girls take advantage of guys that like them but I treat all my friends the same. Like friends.