Girl's Behavior

People Are Not What They Seem

People Are Not What They Seem



We live our the majority of our youth focusing on what people think, trying to be noticed, and other things to make it look like we fit in with the norm of whats hot, not, and in between. But the truth is, we all have our demons.


I know that in the beginning of my life, my parents gave me all they could whilst juggling demanding, competitive jobs. I went through six years of sexual abuse from a family friend, who was eager to pass her trauma to another unwilling participant. It has been a pain that has shook me to my core. Through the years of going through puberty, I put on the face of someone who could go through life without any fears, and look normal.


Entering my freshman year of high school, I endured the usual anxiety of a new enviornment. Even with my friend who knew next to nothing, I was eagerly trying to mirror the other girls who were comfortable with everything. I made friends with a girl (whom my present friends didn't like) in an attempt to learn from her to be comfortable with myself; but to my horror, she betrayed me the same way I was betrayed by that family friend. I felt all the progress slip from underneath me. I fell into a depression, and cut off my friends and family in silence in an attempt to lick my wounds, and heal myself; while in that depression, that I felt was metastisizing like a cancer, I met a guy. He was gorgeous. I fell for him instantly...It was one of those things...inexplicable to anyone who hasn't yet experienced what I am talking about.


I remember thinking this guy was the guy that would help me heal...make me forget, and just be happy. I started talking to him. He was sweet. He called me every night, and messaged me every day. I felt safe. Which was something that was a hard feeling to come by. After a month of two, my real personality began to emerge. It was the personality of someone who spoke their mind, and refused to remain compliant. I finally worked up the courage to ask him if he liked me, and I confessed to him, my feelings. Again, my fears of rejection and attempt to regain my own saftey, he told me he barely knew me, and essentially rejected my feelings. He told me that I was the most beautiful girl he's ever met, but he didn't know me, then proceeded to ask for a friends with benefits type of scenario. I was hurt. How could my feelings be put towards someone so useless and spiteful?


At this moment, I made it to my junior year in high school, harboring my own demons and with them, my panic attacks. I started talking to the same dream guy from the year prior (I'll just call him Chris). He apologized. And we started talking again, for a total of 2 days, before I had a small panic attack and rejected any future friendship with him. He lost it on me and told me I was crazy and that I needed to admit my true feelings for him. I fought back with him in an attempt to defend myself. It ended once again. After a second argument with this guy, I literally felt like screaming in a pillow. I have all these people I don't know or really like telling me that I'm this perfect human being, when all I can think about is trying to find sanity that is buried deep within me.


Finally, my senior year, the year that I had a break down after everything. I told my mom and dad about my past. How disgusting I felt. How I couldn't even feel clean in my own skin. It was a pain that I couldn't describe. I wasn't suicidal. I just felt dirty. I felt like a whore. I still had my virginity. But regardless, thats who I saw myself as, and thats what people would say behind my back, because I was pretty, and had big breasts. I don't think I'll ever forget what my mom's reaction was when I had to write down the bad news of my past on a tear stained note pad. She looked at me with the most heart breaking face...and the only words that could escape her mouth was "who?"


I saught out help from a shrink to talk about my problems to. I told her about my anxiety, my past, the details, and as much as I could muster. Although my dad wanted to bring up charges on the two culprits, he told me it was my decision...but he said that came with me having to explain everything, in detail, to the court/jury. I decided I couldn't go through with it, and decided to move forward.


I still struggle with panic attacks. Sometimes I can't leave my house because I feel like vomiting out of fear. Or feeling the need to watch what I ate out of fear of triggering a panic attack of being unable to protect myself in the event that I became sick. I'm positive that if anyone where to see me on the street or in the mall or on social media, they would think I was a liar.



People are not what they seem...be kind to people...we all have our demons.

People Are Not What They Seem
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