My girlfriend was talking to a guy behind my back for over a month.

Thursday February 25th 2010 I found out that my girlfriend was on the phone with another guy (since January 15th 2010). At this period of time they exchange about 200 messages and talk on the phone for about 15 minutes at a time about 5-6 times excluding the last weekend before I found out. I have to note that she has a male friend that I allow her to go out with alone and talk to them. I met them before and all three of as went out together and they are my friend somehow. I am sure nothing physical is going on with them. Basically she is completely free to do whatever she wants as long as she tells me. I never told her “no you are not going to see this guy.”

the weekend before I found out they talked on Saturday night from 10:30 to 12:00 he called her 3 times (about 15, 15 and 40 minutes) within this period of time and then called her again at 12:30 for another 5-10 minutes(after about half hour since the last of the three calls ended). She was at my place before, we had sex and she said she was bored and that she was going home. On Sunday she came to my place around noon and she was very “hyper” and “moody.” " We talked and agree to take some time apart of each other for a week, she walked me to my gym a couple of hours later and about half hour later she text me that she misses me already. After that start texting again on Sunday at which time I called her a couple of times and the second time she told me "why are you still calling me.” 15 minutes later (as I found out later) than that she called him and talked to him with some interactions (he called her back) for about 50minutes. Then again he called her around 9:15 for another 15 minutes. Since that phone call he didn’t call her again. They exchanged a couple of messages on Monday, a couple on Tuesday and 5-10 on Wednesday. On Thursday until I confronted her whey didn’t send any but he text her at night but obviously she didn’t respond.

I never called her since she told me, “why are you still calling me," until I accidentally checked her phone records. And when I say accidentally it was completely an accident. We are on a family plan, since we are together for about 4 years now, and that day I decided to check if we can get a better deal on a promotion by T-Mobile. So I found out that if I changed the plan I could save some money and get more service…. Anyway long story short I deleted her message privileges, something when wrong with the plan as T-Mobile wanted and initiation fee for the plan and a contract so I went to add them back, at which time found out that they changed their deal from 400 to 300. This made me go into her account and find out how much where left and as I was crawling down the page my eye caught a phone call for 39 minutes and then I found out about everything.


All this period of time (month or so) she was asking me to break up because I wasn't talking to her and that she need it a lot (I am not a talkative guy-never was) she told me the same thing sparsely throughout our relationship.

When confronted her with her phone records evidence she told me that she needed someone to talk to and this is why she was talking to this guy. She apologizes; she started crying when I got up to leave, and she was begging me not to do this and that she l
loves me. And also she didn’t know that I care about her a lot and she thought that I had her for granted. She never got physical with him ( I believe her -99% :-)- there is a good reason). They were met at the cafe she works and this is where they start
started talking. She sat down sometimes with him and they were talking (according to her) about each others' problems (he had just broken up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago). He also told her that he was seeing a psychologist for the past 10
years, and that his father had some kind of cancer and his mother was crying all the time. Also she told him that she has a boyfriend (again according to her) but I know the guy (by face) and he knows me, so he knowing that she had a Boyfriend(believable)
After I found out, she told him that he is creating a lot of problems in her relationship and she doesn’t want to talk to him again. He never went to the place she works and not even asks how he could fix the problem; except that I can go talk to him…
would anyone go talk to him? Is this guy for real? He was trying to sleep with her-period. The question is what SHE was trying to do?
Over the past month though we came very close to each other, and we have a lot of fun together. It’s just that this thing comes to my head (lost my complete trust to her) from time to time and we fight and she is crying, but never left me.
I haven’t broken up with her, as I am looking for the opinion of someone neutral to both of us. So my concern is this, why she was hiding it from me?

Thanks in advance
when I said "After that start texting again on Sunday..." I meant "After that THEY start texting again on Sunday..." you can find that in the middle of the main description. and the male friend she had before we got together...
do you think she was cheating?


Most Helpful Girl

  • this guy was probably giving her emotional and mental attention that she felt she wasn't getting from you. also this guy was going through a lot of problems and she probably felt like she was being a good friend by being there for him.. it seems like she really does care and I don't think she was cheating. it seems like the guy could have been looking for a way "in there" but I doubt she was, she just liked the attention. of course she hid it from you because its not very pleasant for a boyfriend to hear.

    try giving her the attention that she was getting from this guy. take care of home first and then this will probably go away. good luck

    • Thanks a bunch, this was very helpful coming from a woman. And as per your advice this is what I am doing. I am giving her the attention.

      Thanks again

    • Can you please check the last two updates and the two comments I added on zoom below? its some updates that I came up with. I love her and she loves me and we are together again. Just can't get this out of my head because I believe she was trying to built a relationship with this guy before she breaks up with me. to have something steady. but then one month she should be ready to leave me. she cut any relationship with this guy and she even deleted him from her Facebook. thanks

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • of course I can't speak on ur gf's behalf. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. so for me personally, I wouldn't have any reason to be talking to another guy so frequently for a month. and on top of that, keep it a secret. on one hand I'd say if u've kept a watchful eye on her before and known to bug out on things that were actually nothing then maybe that's why she would keep it a secret. however, the hours at which she would speak to him provide reason for suspicion. but point blank, if she wanted more communication from you she should hav simply communicated that to you instead of seeking it outside of the relationship. so the main question is whether or not you feel these issues are reconcilable? hope that helps


What Guys Said 3

  • WAY TOO many trust issues..

    Dude, I open the page and there are 9 updates with an essay above it.

    I'm not even gonna read this question before I say that she isn't the girl for you.


    And proof, I'll take a random clip from your question that I disapprove of:

    1) "All this period of time (month or so) she was asking me to break up because I wasn't talking to her and that she need it a lot "

    2) She never got physical with him ( I believe her -99% :-)- there is a good reason).

    Both of those statements are wrong. If she's looking for someone to talk with, she should find that guy- whether it's you or someone else. Communication is a HUGE part of relationships that is undervalued.

    - And furthermore, why do you only believe her 99% ? If you're with someone, I would hope they wouldn't cheat on any. Yes it doesn't eliminate all belief, but in a generalized sence, you're basically admiting to a feeling she cheated on you. If you feel that way, why are you with her?

    My opinion, is that the whole phone-records thing.. That was an invasion of privacy. You're not married and it wasn't a smart move. Granted, it led to something of interest, where the evidence was against her (that she was talking to someone else)... Regardless... Move on dude.

    I called it from the start, and still after reading, I'll stick to that decision.

    ~ ArtistBBoy

    • You are rushing to talk. I have never checked her phone records before in my life, this was just by accident and thus I explained before. I trusted her more than I trust myself, and she betrayed that trust. the updates is because the whole story didn't fit in one post so I had to post so many. keep reading if you want to give a real answer. but thanks for your comments

    • Show All
    • Thaks dude. I read your post already and I agree with you. just your beginning was too... anyway. thanks

    • I can understand, I'll tone it down for the future. Thanks for the feedback and it was a pleasure trying to help out, catcha later man.

  • This friend wanted to sleep with her. That is for sure. She's most likely telling the truth about nothing happening between them, but the fact that she kept it from you says to me that there was some feelings there and she was keeping this guy in her back pocket. Especially since she already has a male friend that you know about. So that suggest that things were more emotional serious with this guy.

    Your relationship is completely salvageable, but I think before you need to ask her why the secrecy? Not so you can make up your mind if you want to stay with her or not, but just so you can know why and maybe even adjust some things about you so that this doesn't happen again.

    Then if you forgive her, don't dwell on it and hold it over her head. Move on and work on relationship from the point you're at now.

    • Thanks dude

    • Show All
    • Zoom does it change anything the fact that the male friend she knows before we got together? and this one she met after. they were on Facebook since february of 2009 but they started talking after january 15th 2010. she told me that they where chatting about his problems on the Facebook. she asked her for her number to talk on the phone. as friends. she never noticed that they exchanged so many messages but she said she feld guilty she was doing this behind my back. check the last 2 updates.

    • She felt guilty about it and this is the reason she was trying to break up with me. if that makes sense. she also said she didn't think I was serious about her. if 4 years relationship is not serious... then what is? thanks

  • You can't have a serious relationship without trust. So you have to decide if you can move past this and trust her again. If not, then it's time to end the relationship.

    Also, if you're going to stay with her then you have to forgive her for what she's done. You can't keep throwing this incident in her face every time you have an argument or you want to get your way. She will get tired of you playing that card and leave you. So if you can't promise to forgive her, then it's time to end the relationship.

    I was in a relationship very similar to yours (though not as long) where the girl felt I did not convey I liked her or wanted to be with her "enough" and she also started talking with a male "friend". Long story short she cheated and left me for him. Looking back I was naive and didn't want to believe all the red flags along the way. I'm not saying that has/will happen to you, just what my experience was.

    • Thanks for the insight

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