Why do women hold grudges so easily?

[Anonymous]

[ak666]

I'm seeing more and more guys who also do this lately and it's a bit upsetting.

The way I see it is that it boils down to social conditioning. A soft type will typically produce individuals who are very sensitive, easily offended, and get upset easily over things they have no control whatsoever, including memories from their distance past. There's no inner peace there. That's the type of conditioning society is largely adopting these days for both males and females.

My wife is an exceptional case. She never holds grudges, never hates anyone. She's the "love the sinner, hate the sin" type. It's also incredibly, incredibly difficult to upset her even if you're trying to push her buttons. She's the epitome of calmness, like calm waves over a sea.

However, she had a kind of traditionally "masculine" upbringing. Her father raised her in a very strict way, teaching her things like kendo. She still retained her girly side, but became a type of person who can never hold grudges.

[ak666]

[...] including memories from their distance [/distant] past.

[matt1209]

@ak666 so people who hold grudges learn it from how they where raised and there environment?

[ak666]

@matt1209 I don't think anyone is taught to hold grudges directly, per se, but people who hold them generally can't let go of things beyond their control, for example. They're incapable of moving on. They get emotional whenever they reflect on their memories, for example, and often dwell in those thoughts, making them get more and more upset over things outside of their control. It's typically the most sensitive type of people who do this excessively: sensitive in a bad way, like easily upset/offended, not a good way like being empathetic towards others.

[ak666]

@matt1209 People with fragile egos, so to speak. Certain types of tougher upbringings often make people stronger in that way so that they so that their egos aren't so easily bruised. They learn how to kind of "man up" and move on. The ones with the softer upbringings often maintain that fragile ego. They get easily upset and angered, for example, and will dwell on things outside of their control, like what others think, past events that already happened, etc, making themselves more and more upset or angry.

[ak666]

@matt1209 Another one is the victim complex. People who are given a very entitled type of upbringing where they're made to believe that everything bad that happens to them is a result of them being a victim of society, for example, will often become sensitive this way and hold grudges, want to set the entire world straight, etc, with an unhealthy obsession on fairness. Both males and females can become this way. It depends on how they are brought up.

[ak666]

Take a bully victim, as an example, male or female. If they are bullied and adults come to their aid and are like, "You poor baby, you don't deserve this. Who are the bullies? Let's go talk to their parents," then we feed the child's ego and victim complex. They're made to feel helpless against the bullying. Those types will typically hold grudges.

If instead we said, "You need to stand up for yourself. Stay firm, avoid provoking a fight, but don't let the bullies get the better of you," then we don't feed the victim complex. We feed a side of a person who becomes mentally stronger and will not be broken down by what others think or do to them.

Tougher upbringings that breed mental strength tend to create people who don't hold grudges. Softer upbringings that make children feel more special and entitled like, "Everyone is a winner and you can do no wrong" tend to create sensitive people with fragile egos, a victim complex, and often the types who hold grudges even over petty things.

[matt1209]

@ak666 interesting. What do you think of people who also give the silent treatment and deny that what you did hurt them when you try to apologize. Do these go hand to hand with holding grudges?

[ak666]

@matt1209 If it genuinely hurt them, yes, I believe so. For me inner peace boils down to not getting so hurt by these things in the first place, but it can be therapeutic for those who are to at least communicate. If they keep it all pent up inside while still being hurt, then those types tend to entertain all sorts of negative thoughts with that pent-up stress, and grudges could be included among them.

[ak666]

@matt1209 It's another side my wife is really good at. It takes something very dramatic to upset her and genuinely bother her, but in those very rare circumstances where she does actually get upset, she's very good about communicating it instead of keeping it all pent up inside.

[matt1209]

@ak666 so all of these things are defense mechanism of being let down or hurt again.

[matt1209]

@ak666 And do you think holding all this hate in could make them carry it on to the next person and affect there future relationship or is it possible it helps them forgive a person over time?

[ak666]

@matt1209 I don't think people who hold grudges transfer it onto others. Not sure about the psychology there easily. That sounds more like trust issues, for example. People who develop those tend to forget that optimal strategies are more important to focus on than outcomes. It's like a poker player who starts folding every hand because he ran into pocket aces, changing his strategy to an extremely sub-optimal one just because he got screwed once or twice, pretty much sealing their fate to just lose money over and over.

[ak666]

Not sure about the psychology there easily [/really] [...]

[DaveDavidson]

I never understood it either. I'll be around girls all day at school and in the workplace, and there will always be one girl shunning another for months because of one curt text message or something similarly tiny that I'd have forgotten about in a day.

[ArkabrataDatta]

Lol. Funny, isn't it? 😂 Good thing we don't give a damn about holding grudges. Shit happens man. You gotta move on!

[peachblossomluck]

There are different kinds of women you ought to fear or loathe. The loathesome ones at least come out and vocalize their anger or displeasure of the situation. I personally can't stand loud people, male or female, who need to emote and be dramatic. They give me a headache. Nobody fucking wants to be around people like that. But then you have the grudgers... those are the dangerous kinds. They won't say anything. It's probably because they know that the people around them are too unreasonable or at least unwilling to see their point of view. So they hold it inside and plot their revenge, letting their hatred grow. Or they just learn from it wisely like me and get away from whomever is not being decent towards them. The quiet ones holding the grudges are the more pleasant ones but you really need to be careful as they have the more calculating minds and may surprise in a way you don't like someday.

[realalexrose]

My aunt says her mom used to say about people like that "They're mean in their quietness."

[smileyjam]

The way I see it if someone gives you the time of day and the opportunity means a lot to you then why give her the excuse to hold a grudge? I hold a grudge on two people in my life not to be petty and immature but because i refuse to be walked over again so I guess its about recognising self worth. If I didn't value my worth id forgive and forget everything. Sometimes you gotta be strong to be respected. I hope the same ideology is seen by men too 😊

[kaylaS91]

Women are, biologically-speaking, as well as according to societal expectations, much more likely to internalize their feelings, including feelings of anger/general frustration. I mean, how many times have you heard of women being told to be quiet and stop whining, right? So, many decide to oblige and instead hold grudges as they keep their mouth shut.

[MarbleLines]

It's not just a woman thing, lol, everybody does it, more like everyone has the potential to. But honestly it's so hard to just let things go because you kinda get attached to that feeling of like anger or hurt and it seems weird to think about letting go and it's easier to hold a grudge.

[writing_essays]

I think woman tend to be more sensitive then men - they are biologically programmed to care more about how they are treated since before technology - they were dependent on their social status to acquire food and shelter - being confined to the home during agricultural periods in human development.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Because it'll bother us, we won't talk about it to avoid seeming like an over emotional, crazy nag, so it'll fester, and then one small thing will set us off, and all of that pent up emotional will explode into a giant "Fuck you and everything you love and stand for you son of a bitch!"

[PrincessPie]

Way were programmed it seems.. i do admit if someone does saying really bad to me i find it hard not to..

[shellyp]

I don't really hold grudges, I more lose respect or trust for that person. And it's near impossible to get it back; I'll talk with you and listen and help you politely. But when it comes to trusting you with my information or feelings I won't do it. I can't really hate or resent the person easily, unless what they did was extremely foul

[Asker]

you're lying

[shellyp]

Sure if you think so

[thelittlesthobo]

some have trust issues, some are defensive, some are just sensitive. I don't want to blame society but generally boys are raised to be tough and not take things to heart while girls are allowed to be more emotional

[deraz24]

When we put our trust in people and they do something to break that trust it can be pretty hard to get that back

[ashbert87]

Because we are more sensitive. We may also think the other person doesn't care or waiting for them to make the first move.

[grace___]

Why do boys act like jerks and pretend like they're innocent?

[EmHenz]

i agree with u, such a sensible answer and yet why did u comment that i dont deserve my boyfriend in my question?

[Nyx_85]

We're like elephants. We never forget.

Also if we don't feel the issue was resolved.

[ArkabrataDatta]

That's why you tend to forget the important things. :3 *Just saying*

[Nyx_85]

@ArkabrataDatta No we never forget... ANYTHING.

[ArkabrataDatta]

Really? 😂 I'll give you one day to remember the whole log table. You'll forget it two days afterwards​. Always think before saying something. If you hadn't forgotten anything, you brain would have a capacity of nearly 46% now seeing that you're 31 years old whilst you know average brain capacity of humans are less than 1% . Are you some kind of Superhuman? 😂 Because I can't find any other explanation.

[Nyx_85]

@ArkabrataDatta Do you have Autism or something?

[ArkabrataDatta]

Already playing the autism card eh? Well, that's not so nice of you. Being a 31 year old, you should act more mature. :3 You just said you don't forget anything; now defend your statement.

[Nyx_85]

@ArkabrataDatta *sigh* Culture differences...

[ArkabrataDatta]

How does culture have to do anything with this? xD And I don't follow my culture that much. by the way I don't like talking to halfwits. So have a nice day. :)

[Nyx_85]

@ArkabrataDatta If I have to explain it to you then it's not worth it. You obviously have an issue understanding certain things.

[Nyx_85]

Hence why I suggest you may have Autism. Aspergers? May people with it have trouble with this sort of thing as well. Or maybe it's a language barrier?

Here let me rephrase it:

"We never forget... ANYTHING" *stares evilly while rubbing her hands together*

THERE. Does THAT make it easier for you?

[Nyx_85]

*suggested

[Nyx_85]

*Many

[matt1209]

@Nyx_85 what if a girl won't let you resolve the issue?

[Nyx_85]

@matt1209 Well it depends on the details. Maybe she doesn't think it's good enough or maybe she's not easy to please. Can't really make a judgment without knowing anything.

[matt1209]

@Nyx_85 my ex girlfriend still mad at me about not getting a erection while kissing in my car and she wanted to have sex with me, but I was nervous being in public, which caused her to think im not sexually attracted to her. She won't talk to me anymore and is still hurt about it, but plays it off like it never bothered her.

[Nyx_85]

@matt1209 That's silly. How old is she?

[matt1209]

29 years old

[Nyx_85]

@matt1209 She sounds very immature.

[matt1209]

Yeah I would have to agree with you unfortunately. I wonder if she will ever for five me?

[Nyx_85]

@matt1209 Why would you want her to forgive you?

[Nyx_85]

@matt1209 And I don't think you are the one that needs forgiving here.

[matt1209]

@Nyx_85 honestly I can stop thinking about her and never felt this way about a women. I take it you think she should be the one apologizing.

[matt1209]

@Nyx_85 I truly think I hurt her really bad. Everything was going good before this. Maybe one day she will realize that it was a common thing and no reflection on her body image.

[Nyx_85]

@matt1209 Her insecurities are not your problem. Not being able to sexually perform in public isn't a reflection of her appeal to you. A lot of people would get nervous about that. Things might have been good before but it sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.

[matt1209]

@Nyx_85 thanks hope she matures a bit and let's go of her grudge towards me.

[Nyx_85]

@matt1209 That is something she'll have to learn how to do on her own. Just give her space and keep your chin up. You did nothing wrong in this situation. If it doesn't work out don't worry. It's not the end of the world. Plus there are nicer and more mature women out there.

[matt1209]

I know there is other women, but I never felt this way about a woman before and we used to be friendly at get together before we went out with each other.

[Nyx_85]

@matt1209 Do you have much experience in dating? I hope things work out for you though I have to say, as someone who had to work through some issues in the past, I know that only she can fix her problems. If she hasn't matured by 29 I wouldn't be holding your breath. Who knows maybe she'll turn things around relatively soon or in a few years you might get back together. But don't cut yourself off from other experiences because of her. I don't connect with others easily (most human interactions feel kind of superficial to me). So I completely understand that feeling. When I find someone I connect with I want to hold onto them. Because I'm afraid it might not happen again. The problem with that is it has caused me to hold onto people that, in hindsight, were not the best partners for me. Don't be afraid of letting go.

[matt1209]

I don't have a lot of long term dating experience and I have gone out and dated other people since, but still think about her.

[hairydudesrock]

Men hold grudges too, it's not just women who do it. To be fair men are more childish and likely to hold a grudge!!

[Anonymous]

That's def. not a gender thing but like a character issue and it's because they have a hard tiem getting over things. My FIL was the Master of this.

[Asker]

sure. you don't know what you're talking about.

[Opinion Owner]

No given your responce it sounds like that would in fact be you... lol

[bostockbn]

Because they have more sensitive feelings than most guys

[Anonymous]

We hold grudges because if that someone constantly likes picking on the past then yes holding a grudge is appropriate.

[BellePepper]

There's a difference between holding grudges and refusing to do something or be around someone because we got burned before.

[Asker]

I didn't ask about the differences.

[BellePepper]

You don't seem to realize one exists.

[Asker]

k smart one. move along now. lol

[BellePepper]

Stop commenting on my post and I'll have no reason to come back :)

[Asker]

bye Felicia

[flypaper]

Agreed BellePepper! I wouldn't try to explain anything to this guy though he seems to have some kind of comprehension issue -lol.

[BellePepper]

@flypaper LOL preach XD

[Anonymous]

I am not sure. I hold grudges easily as well though.

[Theresao]

We have the memory of an elephant

[rileyzmomma15]

because it's hard to let go when things keep happening

[BoneslikeGlass]

Depends on what was done

[Bleepasaurus_RexEwww]

Why do blue anons whine so much?

[April10]

Why do PEOPLE hold grudges so easily?

[matt1209]

I'm trying to figure that out too.

[Anonymous]

thats just how we are

[Storm1990]

I am not sure