My boyfriend hits me and I think I deserve it?

I deserve it because I use to hit him at he beginning of our relationship I was severely depressed I know that's not an excuse. Zero self esteem and was cutting myself. He would be emotionally abusive but I said mean things first to him and then he would tell me mean stuff everyday and I would allow it or hit him and I knew it was wrong. He told me it's my fault he's abusive because I hit him first and I believed him and changed. I stopped hitting him and tried to go to doctors and everything. But he never stopped saying mean things to me and hitting me. That was he first year of our relationship. 2 years later he hits me emotionally abuses me hits me in public yells at me and it's all my fault is it not? I deserve it because I started it? Or was he abusive all along. I feel like I'm a horrible person for what I've done and have told him I'm sorry so many times for how I acted during my deep depression/sucidal times. He doesn't care and blames me. He says it's all my fault then turns everything around on me and makes me believe I'm the bad guy and I went crazy because of how much he manipulated me. I'm telling you batshit crazy like psych ward crazy cause I didn't know what he was talking about so I thought maybe I'm just so crazy I didn't know and it sent me into a nervous breakdown with hallucinations and during that time he told me I was a crazy bitch. I'm no angel but I'm starting to realize it's him not me 😞
My boyfriend hits me and I think I deserve it?
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