Why do women look for "confidence" so much?

[Anonymous]

I can understand confidence being a factor that women look at, but what I don't understand is it being the most important factor. I can think of 100 different other factors that should be more important when looking for a relationship.

The way I see it, "confidence" is equivalent to "experience". Is it natural to be confident at anything you're inexperienced with?

When you were first learning how to drive, were you a confident driver? No, but after driving for 10 years, you're probably pretty confident. If you were confident the first time you got behind a wheel, you probably crashed your dad's car.

So "confidence with women" is really the same thing as "experience with women", unless you're fool-hardy or faking it.

Is that really what women are looking for? Experienced guys? Does the fact that a guy has been in many relationships increase the chance that his relationship with you will last? Or do women just want guys who aren't experienced to force themselves to look confident, when it isn't even natural to feel that way?

Finally, a guy being "confident with women" says nothing about his confidence in other areas. There are plenty of guys who are confident with women who don't even have a job.

Look at Bill Gates, who is very confident with business (and arguably the most successful entrepreneur in the world) but obviously not confident with women. He only dated one girl his entire life, and he didn't meet her until he was nearly 40.

Updates

+1 y

It seems to me that when a woman judges a guy by how "confident he is around women", she is assuming that his entire self-worth is based upon how he feels around women...


Isn't that a tad condescending?

[TimeAndTimeAgain]

Because they're shallow have no f***ing clue over what they actually want.

Smart women realize that confidence is something that must be given sometimes. They realize that people aren't born insecure - they are MADE insecure by their environment growing up. Just like the people who are confident, are MADE confident by what happens early in their life.

Take two kids - one is ugly, one if popular. The popular kid makes plenty of friends, is always loved, and has a bunch of people that want to hang out with him. The ugly kid is discriminated due to looks, has no friends, and constantly gets rejected every time it tries making new ones.

When they're both in their 20s, who do you think is going to be the most confident one? It's a no-brainer. Sure, this situation looks at the extremes of both ends, but that's basically what happens to EVERYONE! Nobody is BORN confident or insecure - they are MADE that way.

So if girls were less shallow and used their brain more, they would realize that if they want a confident guy so much, all they have to do is walk up to the guy and GIVE HIM CONFIDENCE! Make him BELIEVE in himself! Show him that he is actually a great person! How does she do that? BY GIVING HIM A CHANCE, INSTEAD OF WALKING AWAY IMMEDIATELY!

Sadly, most are idiots and want things too fast. They follow their emotions, instead of putting effort to make something grow into what would be the best relationship of their lives. They keep waiting for their "Mr. Perfect", their "Prince Charming" to come along and sweep them off their feet. Or they date assholes who act like they don't give a sh*t about ANYONE (especially not the girl), and attempt to change them into someone decent.

But the thought of going to an insecure guy who is just out there looking for someone who will love and accept him for who he is, so that he may love them back with everything that he's got, and giving him the confidence that he requires? No. Of course not. They assume someone with no confidence is automatically desperate, and while that may be the case SOMETIMES, it's not ALWAYS the case. It's not even the case most of the time. But instead of over-looking the guy's insecurities and realizing that they will only be temporary, they immediately ditch the guy.

[huntusa]

I think confidence is not all about experience.Confidence is about having the courage to do something that you don't know about.Say..If you don't know driving then if you are confident then you will say.."Yes I can do it" and you will start to drive its just possible that end result of your driving may be same as end result of driving by a Wimpy guy who lacks confidence.

Second approach..Confidence is about keep on trying even after many failures there is something inside you that says.."Keep going". All this does not come from experience it comes from within by "Believing" in yourself.

Now getting to the point..Girls like confidence because confident guys are the one who take "Charge" of the situation they don't care about failing.They just go and do it.They don't care about being "Perfect" they are just being themselves.They don't change their inner-self to prove anything to a girl or to anyone.

For a perfect match girls want someone who can take the hit and keeps moving forward and someone who does not give up.

Think for once.If a guy who "Gives Upon" his own life,career and everything without a fight, how he can keep up a relationship? The day "Life" will hit the relationship "Wimpy" guy will give up on it in no time but confident guy's spirit will say "Keep Going" and remember girls want "Long Term Relationship" . Which they can find in a Confident,Nice Guy.

I hope this makes sense.

[Asker]

I think we should differentiate between reasons why a guy should want to be confident (for his own personal benefit) and reasons why a woman should care if he is or not...

There's also a very big difference in my mind between confidence and courage.

Let's turn the tables for a moment. I don't really care how confident a woman is at first with men or dating, because I don't assume that will make her a better girlfriend. I do care that she has basic self-esteem, but that's different.

[huntusa]

Why woman should or should not care is their prerogative. Can you stop from liking or loving someone even if you are told otherwise?

It's not just women even most guys don't like wimpy girls. Atleast I don't.

Now as far as difference between courage and confidence is concerned of course there is a big difference.It's lack of courage that makes you wimpy remember its not lack of confidence.Courage is the driving force that comes by strong desire to go after something and get it.

[littlemisspetite]

Who wouldn't want to be with someone who has confidence? Would you rather be with someone whose insecure, clingy, and jealous? Confidence is an admirable trait because it shows the person is content with themselves and they don't need other people to fill a void.

[freakyzeaky]

A person can lack the confidence to approach attractive women, and maybe even the confidence to risk rejection by asking her on a date, but that doesn't mean he would end up being a doormat in a relationship, that he has low self-esteem, would be jealous and possessive, or even clingy. I think those negative traits have nothing to do with whether a guy has swag approaching you or the surety to suggest a date.

[DishLady]

Confidence does not necessarily have to do with your success with women. It is an inner quality based on your ability to respect and appreciate your own qualities. That's it.

If you are truly confident in life you will be confident with women.

[Asker]

This is a theory a lot of women believe, but I doubt many guys would agree.

Almost every guy I know would say they had to build up confidence over time...it's not something they were born with, unless they're an ego-maniac. So logically, when they started out, they were not confident and they had little experience. The two go hand-in-hand.

Also, plenty of guys are confident in certain areas but not with women, so I doubt it's a universal inner quality.

[DishLady]

I see. Actually, my theory includes your point here to some extent. I mean, let's take "women" out of the equation for a second. Remember when you cracked your first joke? You were probably in kindergarten, right? Did anyone laugh? Did they joke back? Your success rate with this type of communication would BUILD your confidence, but you would have to have enough courage/confidence to speak up in the first place, right? (The same applies where girls are concerned. There's no great mystery.)

[Asker]

But let's suppose a different version of the story. You told your first joke in kindergarten, but it was to your first friend so there was little risk of being humiliated. Then, realizing it worked, you went and told your joke to others. Eventually you gained confidence in telling jokes, but it wasn't because there was ever a big leap of courage.

[DishLady]

The first step IS the leap of courage. After that, there's always a risk. It's confidence based on past experience that guides you to try the same method with others.

[freakyzeaky]

This reminds me of last week when I was apprehensive about jumping into a mosh pit at a metal concert. My buddy kept egging me on to jump in. I refused and stood my ground. I kept looking over at it. He kept pushing me, and finally, I got in there. I broke my mosh pit cherry that night. hahaha! It was a leap of faith and now I feel like if I went to another metal show, it won't be as bad the next time.

[rockmom]

lack of confidence often goes along with clingy, jealous behaviors. its perfectly fine for guys to have some insecurities as long as he prides himself in something(s). he has to have selfworth.

[Asker]

Ok, this is fair. Note, I'm not saying there's no point in wanting confidence...I'm just questioning the degree to which it matters.

I'm questioning why women seem to care about it more than men do.

[rockmom]

Thank you. confidence matters so much because it affects so many aspects of our lives. you need some confidence to succeed, to be assertive, to try new things. everyone has insecurities like with their bodies, but when those insecurities affect the people around you, its a problem.

[freakyzeaky]

There is a difference between BEING confident and FEELING confident.

Being confident is when you have experience as you point out. Being confident requires proof, positive reinforcement, and competence in whatever you are confident in. The driving example is a good one. You can be confident at driving, but you not be confident about approaching random strange attractive women or asking out that cute crush that you been eyeing up at college.

Feeling confident on the other hand is when a person has an overall comfortability in their own skin. They trust that they will figure things out, even if it is unknown territory. There are steps you can do to make yourself feel more confident and most of it is self-improvement. Losing weight, better hygiene, dressing well, breath mints, cologne/perfume, new haircut, better job, better car, basically anything that improves your self-esteem and makes you feel good.

In a way I think FEELING confident is more about courage, feeling worthy, and knowing you have something to offer in any given situation OR at least knowing you can learn and grow from it.

I think people, especially women, do put too much stock into it though. Most guys who aren't confident in dating or approaching people aren't that way forever. They tend to grow more comfortable with someone as time goes on. Friendliness goes a long way in making a connection and inspiring confidence in someone else. Most people are unsure of others when they first meet unless they are complete sociopaths. And many guys don't have the success to BE confident, and BEING confident influences how much you FEEL confident.

[magiiic_mike]

who said confidence was the most important factor. Confidence subcommunicates many desirable traits that women are subconsciously attracted to. All women are different so different things attract different women, however most women seem to prefer ''alpha males'' to beta males.

If you aren't confident in yourself, have confidence in those around you. Things come back 3fold so be the change you wish to see. Being confident that a night out with you will blow any interesting girls socks off doesn't require a long trail of sexual conquests, but then again it doesn't hurt...lol

You perceive confidence as experience, but most women perceive it as your level of comfort which can be attained through experience, but isn't always necessary. If you refuse to swap this reality for a new one, than work within the constructs of your reality by gaining the ''experience''.

Get out there and be yourself and make yourself immune to rejection, if that is what you are scared of. Face your fears, start a new hobby, travel, and live a life that women want to be a part of. Work towards that and see what happens.

[angelica3]

Perfect answer

[Asker]

Not really. It's perfectly illogical, assumes that we don't all live in the same reality, and doesn't answer my question about why women think it's important.

The reason I asked is because women themselves, on this site in fact, have said that confidence is very important...but they say that as if its a given, without giving a coherent explanation of why it should be important.

[magiiic_mike]

We all live in a shared reality, but YOU create your own reality. It's perfectly illogical to those unfamiliar with reframing, neurolinguistic programming, and dare I go as far as quantum physics?

Not everything can be quantified, friend. The shared reality we all experience is composed of ''particles'' that, according to modern physics, are more NOTHING than SOMETHING.

I digress, my answer is the second sentence of my reply. continued...

[magiiic_mike]

Cont...Confidence sub communicates traits like dominance amongst other attractive traits that signal mechanisms in a woman's brain that generate automatic attraction. It's subconscious, it's not her choice. This is not to say that confidence alone will attract a woman, but combined with other characteristics it can seal the deal.

Remember we are biologically programmed to reproduce and a woman is looking for the most suitable parent for her unborn child. Who would she choose? Be him or don't.

[magiiic_mike]

Cont...it's really just human biology...women are, for the most part, intuitive and make decisions based on their emotions. They tend tp any extremely talented readers of people and can smell desperation from miles away. Confidence and desperation don't go hand in hand, so do the math. Good luck and hope I didn't offend you at all...peace

[Asker]

But I can turn your own reasoning on its head...

If we choose our own realities, then that applies to women as well. They can choose how much they want to value confidence, regardless of whatever subconscious desires you say they might have.

But when an idea goes unchallenged, we are socially reinforcing it.

Being a MAN, imho, means standing up for reason. Society is programming us to accept an irrational idea. Biology is just being used as an excuse to not reason.

[magiiic_mike]

People that understand metaprogramming and NLP shape their own realities. Your thoughts shape your realities, and people who are still struggling with semantics cannot comprehend this. You aren't really turning anything that I have said on it's head. What I say comes from my own personal experience and observation ''in the field'' so to speak.

The idea that central banks can create money out of thin air and destablize economies is unchallenged largely by the entire world..

[magiiic_mike]

We are socially reinforcing mass debt. Many more important things are to be stood up for. It is what it is, and you aren't going to change women millions of years of biological programming. You don't even mention anything about psychology, sociology, and neuro-linguistic programming. You speak so highly of reason, try researching these things a little further before asserting your perspective as the only one in which everybody should view things from.whatureallyknow about the subconscious mind?

[Asker]

The biology argument is pseudo-science at best, and most likely a superstition that defies logic and can only be supported by circular reasoning and over-generalization.

If a woman is looking at a man's bank account, that make some sense in terms of man being more fit to raise her children. Looking at his physical strength and IQ also matter.

Bill Gate's children are much better off than Joe the Plumber's, no matter how confident Joe is about dating. Biology arguments don't hold here.

[magiiic_mike]

Your idea of what a MAN is, (one who stands for reason) is a biased idea. Biased because it's based off of your experience. My idea of a MAN is someone who keeps their word and is a leader. An apha male. Who is right and who is wrong? Reexamine einsteins theory of general relativity, and reexamine it with all the REASON you can muster up.

Instead of asking why women dig confidence so much, ask why they don't dig indecisiveness and timidity etc etc.

[magiiic_mike]

Lol this is great. The human mind is a fascinating thing. You say over generalizations and then you also say most likely a superstition. You have no research or experience to back what you are saying up. You have only your fear of the unknown supporting your logic. I could go on forever arguing semantics and perspectives with you, but my attention for this matter has withered.

How do you know for sure Bill Gates' kids are betteroffthan Joe the Plumber's? What is ''better off"? object or subject

[magiiic_mike]

Basically, your mind is going to believe whatever it wants until you experience something that makes you evolve beyond semantics and beyond reason. Your type clings to reason in this chaotic reality but you ignore experience. and you are ignoring the things I have suggested you look into, without even looking into them? I have plenty of ''proof'' to back up what I'm saying but your reason should inform you to never analyze women's behavoir and to learn how to work out your intuition more.cheers

[Asker]

All biology theories I know are based upon necessity. For something to have evolved naturally, there had to have been a necessity for it.

Despite what you say has been true for "millions of years", the fact is that until recently, women were placed in arranged marriages and had little choice in picking men. This still happens in the East.

Modern dating is relatively young, so the idea that biology influenced it is silly. "Needing an alpha male" is on par with "needing central banks".

[Asker]

I haven't ignored what you said...I'm familiar with all of it.

Since you're very passionate about this topic, let me ask you...

How would society possibly be worse if women didn't value confidence in men?

[magiiic_mike]

Arranged marriages started at what time period after the development of the neo cortex? It's a good point nonetheless and still we will forever be only able to speclate despite any apparent facts. Arranged marriages were not, in fact, the norm all over the world. Despite any power a man may have wielded, they were just as easily controlled then as they are now, by women. Very few men know of women's kryptonite..you have a sharp mind, read The Art of Seduction if you haven't read The Art of War yet

[magiiic_mike]

How about this..would society be any worse if more men were confident enough to shape themselves instead of allowing external circumstances to become the sculptor? who leads and teaches them to do this though?

How much of your familiarity with the topics mentioned is compartmentalized knowledge?

[Kokujin]

You're being honest, and honesty involves people dealing with their insecurities and honest feelings. It's not attractive in today's world, so of course, some confident male-cunt who can take you from point A to B to C without you having to think about is going to be easier or better.

I think, confidence helps a guy, because someone who doesn't have the experience to be so is actually going to strip himself of opportunities more than he will ever realize,

but ultimately girls are making it near impossible to date them in the first place. I'm not going to confidently jump off a cliff but apparently that's what I have to learn how to do.

[TheDarkNoodle]

Because you can actually tell when a confident guy likes you...Shy guys are way more work. By the way I do go for shy guys myself I'm just saying they are a lot more confusing and I would understand the preference of confidence.

[Asker]

This is a reason that's somewhat legitimate (although it doesn't say that things won't work well with the shy guy in the long run).

But what if a girl knows that two guys like her...but one guy is just a bit more confident than the other due to having more experience. Why does it at this point still matter to the girl?

[frustratedchump06]

because women are complicated, us men are simple, women are not