Am I a pedophile? Why am I a monster?

Question

I can't believe I gotten to this point in my life, I am overthinking.

I think I am a pedo, I am a female and I am 23 for starters. When in public I don't look at kids as a sexual thing. I know pedophilia is wrong and I WOULDN'T EVER act on it. I don't know why I am typing this, I don't know if it's intrusive thoughts but my mind is fucking me up right now. Whenever I see a kid on a show or youtube or anywhere online my mind wanders with thoughts, disgusting thoughts I don't even wanna say. Children are innocent and these thoughts can go far. I try and try to leave these thoughts, but I really worry about pedophilia. I think it's absolutely utterly disgusting how someone can do this to a child. I watched documentary upon documentary of kids speaking what happened to them. And I get turned on? I do like older dominant males, and always worried I am gonna end up with a Pedo. So I am afraid that makes me a pedo. Are intrusive thoughts a thing? I don't ever think like this when I am out doing things and living my life, but when I am home alone my mind wanders and wanders of bad thoughts sometimes. Am I a bad person? I wanna grow up and find a nice man and have kids? But should I even have kids? :( I barely hang with my friends because I am embarrassed of myself, I am runned down all the time and have a bad food addiction cause I don't wanna leave the house because of how shitty I am! What do I do?

Andres77 · Accepted Answer

How to fix a problem 101.
Step 1: admit that there is a problem.

I don't know what is going on or what has happened to you in the past but you're already making progress. For the honest but scared people who are desperate for answers... I'm grateful for the anonymous option so your voice of desperate frustration can be heard by someone somewhere.

*Yes, intrusive thoughts are a thing.

Step 2: find helpI was dealing with sexual addiction for years. Lots of reckless behavior. I'm lucky to be alive. I can't even take credit for getting help. Someone loved me enough to see that I needed help and encouraged me to follow through, even when I was mean to her for confronting me about my behavior. Find a therapist. As long as you're clear to the therapist that you'd never act on it and taken steps to minimize your contact with kids until you master these thoughts then they should be able to help you work through this. That's all it took for me. Everyone is different. You're already past step 1. Now find a therapist. Many are awesome, some are not sincere. Don't just pour your heart and soul out right away but when you find one that you can trust just be open and honest and it will transform your mind. Some thoughts just come to us. I won't explain in here why. It just happens. Regardless of where it comes from you will always be held accountable for what you do with these thoughts. Don't beat yourself up that random evil thoughts pop into your mind. They're not your thoughts. They came from somewhere else. But kick them out immediately. If they linger then you just basically are giving them an invitation to keep coming back. I wish you the best. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I'm proud of you for at least reaching out. Now it's time to move forward and deal with it. Good luck.

Everyoneisplastic · Accepted Answer

The following is what I said in a DM:
I understand that many times, pedos can't help but feel how they feel. If you feel that way, then my advice is to find a guy who looks younger than he really is or watch the loli hentai. There's probably porn out there with people who look like they're 16 but they're really 18. I know because I look like a highschool kid when I shave. People regularly doubt my age when I'm clean shaven and I've came across people asking me if I'm in highschool lol. I really pray for you. I understand having sexual immoralty. It's only wrong if you act on it with people. It's a very nuanced subject. I think a lot of people just say it's all bad or it's all good. But it goes deeper than that. The solution I think is to just keep from acting on sexual immoralty. Kids can't comprehend half of the things in real life, I doubt that they should be essentailly forced in a sexual relationship. Even if they think they want it, it ends up changing when they're older. I have a friend who was a victim of a pedo and she thought she loved him, but then later on she realized how bad the situation was. She was basically raped multiple times. She might've acted like she was consenting, but she later found that she wasn't mature enough to make that decision yet and now she regrets it. It wasn't her fault, she was cuaght up in a moment she didn't comprehend and now she wants to wait until marriage. I don't want to get too personal, but I've been in a similar situation when I was a kid. Let me know if there's any way I can help. And I hope this helps.

Deepsilence · Accepted Answer

I understand you. first, you should know that this is
kind of bad thoughts are in everyone's head. But these tour thoughts are actually a delusion of the devil. so it doesn't belong to you. if you accept that these thoughts belong to you, they will become yours, and you can try to bring these bad thoughts to life. It's just delusions. you're not a paedophile. it's not the kids that turn you on. what you read about you turns you on because it evokes sexual things. if you can't handle such delusions, you can get help from a psychologist. Don't stay away from children , your fear of hurting them will increase as you go away. if you can't trust yourself, play games with. child while with childs's parents. you're not a paedophile, and you'll get rid of these dirty thoughts. you'll be a great mother in the future. my sister*

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I would definitely talk to a therapist to go over your intrusive thoughts because the reality is a bunch of random people on this app probably don’t have the means to help you in the manner that you need helped. It is good that you are being honest with yourself that’s the first step I would think in order to overcome this.

zeitgeist057 · Answer

Hey I would not worry too much about this. It's about your ability to control yourself. Like you said you don't have these thoughts when out in public, it's just when you are watching internet or something you get these thoughts and it's clear you are very disgusted and appalled by child abuse and pedophilia so I think this is enough to deter you from doing anything. You get turned on, okay, but also disgusted.

I don't know if this helps you but I get turned on by younger women, under 18. Not children, or at least not what I think of as children (girls who have not gone through puberty or have no development like breasts) but young women who are developed/developing. But I've never messed around with anyone who was more than 4 years younger than me (a couple girls who were 17 when I was 21), and after 21 never anyone under 18. I am still turned on, but I never act on it so this is why I'm telling you that it's about your own self control and discipline. I do think it is a bit more disturbing that you find actual children a turn on, but most people would not make the distinction I do (as does Wikipedia: "... This article is about the sexual preference toward prepubescent children. It is not to be confused with hebephilia or ephebophilia..." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedophilia vs https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ephebophilia .
I identify with Ephebophilia, the distinction being post pubescent rather than prepubescent.
If you assess yourself and think there is a danger that you would do something, like you are not in control of yourself, then you should get some psychological help.

You can also DM if you like, this is a bit of a sensitive subject if you want to talk more. But if you look around you will see the hypocrisy is everywhere, so many people are attracted to someone that isn't "legal", there's a whole section of porn industry dedicated to "barely legal" because the attraction is so great for such a large majority of people. What they really would like to market is "not actually legal" because that's the taboo, what people want, but they can't.

Also, I would try to figure out why it is that online vs. in real life has such a marked effect on you. You don't find real life children sparking these thoughts which is great, so why does that change when watching a screen?

Forlorn011 · Answer

I hate that people on here are reluctant to show compassion. Perhaps if you were an MS13 illegal they would be more understanding im sure.

What age do you find yourself having these intrusive thoughts about?

Listen, don't overthink it or you're going tocreate something on your mind that was never meant to be there in the first place. Plus it could be a lot worse. It could be something that you're on the internet seeking out or driving around meeting teens. It can always be worse. It does not sound that bad. it sounds like you had an idea that went through your mind and has made you confused.

Don't listen to these idiots. Half of them don't know a damn thing about anything. I know something a little about this so you can talk to me if you ever need to. Until then don't worry about it, don't dwell on things that might not even matter because they're not real. It's probably not even anything that substantial. I hope so anyway and if it is you'll deal with it.

If this wasn't a public forum I would tell you a story that would blow your mind about somebody that I met online. A very successful financial advisor. A career woman with a family that shared a secret with me. And
you wouldn't believe it if you knew who this lady was.
No way I'm telling this bunch of mob mentality pitchfork and torch carriers.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Well you're desires are genetic so a therapist can't help ya, only advice I can give if you're a pedo is to find a guy your age who looks really young, also get steralized so you can't have kids. Maybe not pick jobs where you work with kids either, that way you avoid any problems.

Granted your line of thought is all over the place and honestly makes no sense. If you find it disgusting, how are you attracted? You may simply have a fantasy about being sexually touched and are easily triggered by any remote mention of it. Are you sure you aren't simply hypersexual? or have fantasies about rough sex with older guys?

You mentioned you like older dominant males and are afraid you will end up with a pedo, so to be honest it really just sounds like you are imagining yourself as the younger person and thats turning you on and it makes you uncomfortable about what that implies for the guy, If thats the case, you aren't a pedo, nor is he if your gag age is accurate, so at that point it's all in your head and you need to stop posting crap like this.

I can't help you there either mind you, but I think you might be blowing your thoughts out of preportion (or not, I can only guess at this point), maybe settle down a bit on self judgment until you can think clearly.

N192K001 · Answer

Perhaps, you are a pedophile… but you're not a child-molester. For so long as you don't act on it, things should be fine. At the very least, continually sharpen your capacity in self-restraint  (to confine the problem to only inside you, and stop the suicidal & self-destructive threat of contaminating your external-world).  At best (together with the previously-mentioned countermeasure), continually try to dissuade yourself as to kill the desire (and eliminate the problem).  If you can do that, you should be fine.  Getting help from a therapist should also be ideal (together with the 2 previous counter-measures).

_no_one_ · Answer

At least you admit it's wrong. I mean most would keep it a secret and would never even care to work on this thing.
Try meditation to clear your mind.
Jogging and working out may also help in order to distract your mind and channel these thoughts.
Make a few markings related to this that would always keep you reminding that this thing is not good or something like that.
I won't call u a pedo unless u do some shit to some child. Having such thoughts is not normal but could be prevented if wroked out in time and of you watch anime then avoid it for a while.

Anonymous · Answer

well, you can start by stop hating yourself. Bad thoughts are pretty normal. What's important is you don't act on them and then you're fine. What I do when I have thoughts pop into my head that I don't want is start singing a song that I like or watch some videos on youtube or even exercise. Things to get your mind occupied with other, more positive things. But it doesn't make you a bad human to have bad thoughts so get rid of that way of thinking and things can change real quickly for the better.

hopegirly · Answer

Keep calm. There are many illnesses that can make you have intrusive thoughts and you have not fault, example of these illnesses is that you can have OCD maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️ Who have OCD have many many many intrusive thoughts about many things. I would say to you see a therapist as soon as you can. Do not blame yourself because it is something out of your control

Wishingforyou · Answer

I want you to know I swore I thought I was ready a page of my own journal from 5 years ago I’m 29 and holy fucking moly did I let this run my mind ramped to the point I let it almost ruin my life I was ready to just hang myself I thought I was turning into something because of the thoughts my mind was having I really let it do me in good for like three years and finally once I started
Smoking weed again it finally went away but this reminded of me so much I had to create a account just to reach out to you shorty just tell yourself this ain’t me it’s not consistent with anything I believe morality and sexually thoughts are things we can’t control it’s just a bunch of head games like you said you know what makes that pussy wet and it’s older men like you said I promise you I went through this and just try not responding to it from here out because it happened to me and it’s bogus mind tricks

The_Inquisitor · Answer

those intrusive thoughts are your mind telling you that your lonely, you rejecting the idea of being lonely shows that its true.

You would sooner accept that your a pedophile then accept that your not romantically or sexually satisfied, most pedophiles are pedophiles due to extreme abuse and trauma they faced as young children.

from what I read you if i had any guesses your just doing this for attention

gecebutnotgecendayaa · Answer

you’re literally getting turned on by kids talking about their experiences with pedophiles- yeah you are a pedo, and i think you need to get professional help with a therapist...

slow_cooker · Answer

Whether you are a pedophile or not, I don't think having those thoughts is something one is in control of. You should not act on those thoughts ever, if you keep yourself from it you are acting morally good. I would suggest talking to a professional about these thoughts so that you can learn how to cope with them.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Your problem is coming from deep loneliness. The human heart is evil to begin with, add deep loneliness and idleness to the mix and your mind can wander into some very disturbing thoughts.

Be around family and friends a lot and beware of bitterness not to come into your heart as it can defile the mind more when anger and unforgiveness is in your heart.

Groley · Answer

I'm a pedophile too, and I understand. I'm 21 now, and I've been treated for it for two years. I'm fine now, and I can help you. I came across this place randomly, I wish I'd seen it sooner. I don't know this website, so somehow I'm going to check this place out every once in a while. You'll be relieved if you talk:)

Lessthannothing · Answer

Do not repress/avoid the object of your fixation. Find a therapist, if possible as others have said. I actually struggle with this myself, and have found help in speaking to others who struggle, and can go to for advice. I actually made an account just for your question. I would be happy to try and share some coping mechanisms and advice if you want.

I hope you're doing okay with it.

Alyssa11 · Answer

I think you're getting too caught up with these things. No need to watch documentaries etc because it'll be caught up in your unconscious mind. Focus on other things.

chriscdi · Answer

find yourself a man, a big part of these thoughts can be cause you are very horny but I don't know, still a bit odd but i think the important thing is that you dont act on it

Not_Average · Answer

Hey I don't think you're a bad person. There's something quite alarming there though. I'd suggest that you seek a mental health professional and work on this.

Anonymous · Answer

You're not alone, here is a site that might help,,, You're not a monster, you're an angel because you don't act on your urges,,,

Anonymous · Answer

Yes intrusive thoughts are a thing; but you don't have to act on them. Recognize what they are and then push them to the corner. You are not a slave to your thoughts.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't think someone is a pedo untill they abuse children. I think you should just go about living and keep your thoughts to yourself, who cares how messed up they're nobody can read your mind.

Am I a pedophile? Why am I a monster?

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