I loved him so much and he basically ghosted me and got into another relationship. It broke my heart so bad. I was scarred emotionally to the point that I was afraid to be intimate again because I feared getting close to anybody enough for them to hurt me. So when I needed to fullfill my needs on my own or just think of sex I would have the vivid reference in my mind of us. It got bad sometimes to the point where I actually wished I could sleep with him without having to be attached to him anymore. I have felt repulsed by new men and not wanted to even allow anybody to touch me at times. The one time I allowed a guy I was dating to give me oral I felt such strong regret that I just broke it off. I was dating an amazing man who only wanted to hold me without trying to have sex but I couldn’t admit that I didn’t like to be touched or even hugged because I would have instant flashbacks about being with my ex whenever I had any physical contact with a man. And I would feel sick to my stomach imaging sex or new experiences. But I would feel good thinking about sex with my ex. But I hate my ex and I don’t hate any of the guys I dated after him they were all decent guys. My ex even tried to reconcile and I ignored him basically. Hearing from him literally made me want to vomit-I had to lean over the toilet and breathe slowly because I felt so sick. But even though I am disgusted by him I still love him. And I still think about him in a pretty fond way-but I avoid him like trash and have ignored him the few times i saw him in public as well as rejected his attempts to makeup.
I hate my ex boyfriend but I still fantasize about having sex with him but I don’t want to have sex with anybody. What do I do?
