This girl/friend told me she is ADHD after a few weeks of odd behavior on her part. Is she trying to explain why she is acting that way?

[Anonymous]

She's shared a lot about her mental health lately, the bad days, her meds, the costs, now her diagnosis and how she handles it

She broke up with her boyfriend of 6 months a few weeks ago and asked me to go out that same day. We had only known each other a couple of months and while we talked every day it was brief and friendly. She said she wanted to get to know me finally and we did, had a great time, got a bit drunk, had a great meal together, it kind of turned into a date with her having her hands on me a lot, sharing our food like an old couple feeding each other and suggesting we went to her apartment

Of course nothing happened, not with alcohol involved. But she has been very distant since then on some days, other days she's all happy and wanting to talk to me and make plans, then on bad days cancelling. Some days she's plainly ignored me when I see her, on others wants to walk home with me. She's told me about her frequent visits to her therapist and how she constantly has to change meds

Yesterday, she confided in me about being ADHD and the kind of things that upset her, she was having a rough day. But it turned into a good day, from what I saw afterwards. I'm happy she did and I want to know how to be there for her, especially since she seems to want me in her life? Then at other times doesn't?

I have had experience with ADHD children but never with an adult, we're 29, especially one who has become so close by breaking into my bubble/space. I also feel like I should maybe share my mental health issues with her? She's been very accepting of me knowing full well something is "off or different" in me, but I haven't actually shared what that is

I don't want to overwhelm her either, with that or asking her to hangout too much, but I do like that she has gotten herself into my life and want to proceed well here, giving her the space she needs and whatnot

Any suggestions would appreciated

[quaranta]

(She "isn't" ADHD, she "has" ADHD - it means she has a disorder about keeping attention and focus on things)

The fact she broke up with her boyfriend and suddenly asked you out has nothing to do with ADHD not even indirectly, this is called rebounding.
She didn't even give herself any minimum time to unload all her perception of her ex in her daily life and didn't even get a chance to elaborate her mistakes and how they both could have handled problems better, to then get a better relationship in the future and improve herself. She just decided to use you as a comfy fast bandage to avoid facing any suffering or responsibility, but this cannot really work completely, because you can't just rearrange your brain about 2 different daily situations with 2 different people (not without overlapping/shifting them) authentically, all of a sudden. This is immature and she isn't objectively in the condition to give you a proper relationship that is about "you" for real and not about the ghost of her ex she asks you to be dressed with. And again, this has 0 to do with ADHD anyway, it's just being immature/irresponsible.
I'm not saying it won't work, it could, but it's a bit of a gamble. Just be aware that at the moment you are a replacement and she isn't reacting to the full "real you" but mostly to what you can provide that replaces what her ex didn't do well towards the end of the relationship, that makes the relationship quite centered around her rather than around you. So beware of not getting sucked into this situation too much and check how much the real you is recognized here.
And no, making plans and canceling them "because bad mood" is not necessarily derived from ADHD, one can be just a demanding irresponsible person and you shouldn't take the abuse too much about this. She takes medicines and knows how she works so she should give instructions and provide ways to make up for problems she causes, anyway.

I am currently dating a guy with ADHD. I don't have to endure really any problem. He has only ADHD, no other disorders, he has his life together since when he started treating it with meds and keeps being successful and stable. Only, when he doesn't take meds, he might forget to reply to some messages here and there but would quickly make up for it later when he realizes, and in voice calls his attention would zone out sometimes while I talk so he asks me to repeat and apologizes. That's the maximum extent of what you have to deal with untreated ADHD, but since she takes medicines...
All the rest is up to her maturity or other kind of disorders she could have, so don't be fooled by ADHD if she uses it as a weapon to start justifying every lack of respect or every request for you to put more effort and invest more empathy.
Remember every dysfunctional person, has always an explanation behind, but that doesn't make it a justification automatically. And it's also up to them to manage the outcomes of their problems the most they can, without expecting the others to do all the works around them. So if she makes plans then cancels them out of bad mood, she should make up for that by maybe at least offering a long call and apologizing, explaining why, and setting up another date in the shortest time, promising she will be more careful about that.

[restop99]

Thanks for your thorough answer! I do think her adhd is the cause of a lot of issues, two weeks ago for example she was having problems with her meds, she told me this, and had to change them, and was still having issues after that. She missed work one day and told me she slept like 13 hours. We had a plan the day after that and she cancelled, due to that. Maybe she is not completely forthcoming but I'm going with what she tells me

I don't think she used it as an excuse, but she constantly tells me how difficult everything is, and her diagnosis just puts a name to it

Yeah I don't think she has completely processed her breakup, it's been a couple of weeks, which is why I don't want to hurry into anything but I do want to get closer to her, as she seems to want to do with me.

You think I should tell her about my own mental health issues?

[quaranta]

@restop99 Well yeah mental issues are something that will be needed to deal with if you want to proceed with her, as you'll tolerate some of her ADHD she will have to tolerate some of the effects of your side. Whether you tell it now or later, it won't change anything, the problem is there. She gave you the responsibility to aknowledge her side, so you're definitely in the right to give her yours.

[restop99]

I also think she has seen the extend of my issues, not starting conversations with people, not having much of a drive, odd behavior, general but controlled anxiety... At least the ones she's mentioned. But yeah I also want to mention how things could get if my environment changes too much and thus causing changes in me

I feel like now is better than later, especially since it's something we can bond over, if she feels comfortable with it

[Guy13]

Exactly... she cares about you enough to tell you what is going on. I assume she is a truthful woman.

[restop99]

Should I share my own mental health issues with her?

[Guy13]

@restop99 You will know. Let things settle down until she’s secure with you knowing. Bring it up walking around the lake or something like that. Timing will work itself out