How do you stand up to an adult bully?

[Anonymous]

This girl grace has been starting really bad rumors about me for years that I’m the town whore… here’s the kicker I now live in a city and have a happy relationship far away from my home town. This woman is a pseudo feminist and absolutely despised me?

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok, this is some bullshit.

You are... way too nice and reasonable. You're trying to appeal to this woman's rationality, empathy, maturity and whatnot. This woman clearly doesn't posess any of those qualities. Appealing to them is worse than useless.

It won't ever work, but it gives her all the satisfaction of knowing "she's getting to you." Since her whole point is to "get to you"... there's literally nothing worse you could do, than send her messages like the one you posted. That's... literally giving her what she wants.

So, I don't know this whole story, but obviously this bitch has been talking shit about you for a long time. Now you've moved far away, have a relationship and are doing your own thing.

Now, I can totally appreciate how it might bug the shit outta you to hear that this girl is STILL trying to spread rumours about you back home. Like trust me, I get it.

But the first thing I'd have to ask you is: Do people BELIEVE her?

I mean, she's been talking all this shit about you for years, and telling your whole home-town that you're a whore. But... do most people in your town actually think you're a whore? Like has her campaign to paint you that way been successful?

I would think that either way, people's opinions about you and whether or not they thought you were a whore... has probably been established for a while already.

In other words, the people who believed the lie 2 years ago when this bitch told everyone you were a whore... didn't have their view changed by this LATEST shit this girl is trying to spread. They thought you were a whore... and still do... and finding out one more time that this bitch thinks you're a whore, literally makes no difference.

The people who recognized this as a case of one girl making up some bullshit lie and talking shit about another girl when they first heard the rumours, are not going to suddenly believe this latest round of the same bullshit rumours.

The way I figure it is: This girl has definitely succeeded in making the town think ONE of the two of you is a piece of shit. Either they believe her, and genuinely believe you're a whore. Or they know she's full of shit, and she makes herself look like a shitty-person by going around saying this about you for years and years.

I think, (hope) that the bulk of people see that SHE is a shitty person. But I don't know your situation.

So my best advice, would be the classic: "What about just choosing not to care"

You don't live there anymore. You're building your own life in a new place. Does it REALLY matter now that this girl is talking shit about you back home? I mean... if it's been going on for years... it's kinda pathetic. Don't you think people are gonna start to see that if they haven't already? Are the people back home who are actually important to you going to believe this? No.

So, the best thing you could do would be to just... choose to not care. Recognize how pathetic this girl is. Realize that she will inevitably come off that way to others too. Just... live your life. Love your partner, and be happy.

If however, you CAN'T let it go. Then I completely understand that. I really do. I'm a nice dude. But if I feel wronged, I am a super-not-nice-dude. Like night-and-day difference.

Now the way I see it, is: There's no such thing as being bullied as an adult. That is simply an unacceptable situation for anyone to find themselves in. That is a situation that you go to whatever lengths necessary to fix. You're a goddamn adult. You dont' have to put up with this shit. Nobody's adult life should have "bullying" as a part of it.

You seem like a very kindhearted girl. You need to start thinking in a way that you aren't used to thinking.

You need to find a way to FORCE her to stop. Not ask her to stop. Not convince her to stop. But to FORCE her to stop. Against her will. Give her no other viable option but to stop.

In other words, I would look at being bullied as an adult extremely seriously. As seriously as anything gets. There is nothing I would be unwilling to do, to put a stop to it. Nothing is off the table. This is war. Not hyperbolic war. Actual war. This girl is an enemy to be destroyed. Nothing is off the table.

Now, everybody has friends in "low places." It's the 6-degrees-of-seperation thing. I don't care who you are, or how squeaky-clean and wholesome your life is. Everybody's got some connection (often two or 3 degrees separate from anyone you actually know). Most people wouldn't ever think about that very hard, because they don't need to. You need to start thinking about that.

Everyone's got that uncle who nobody talks to because he's a full-patched biker in some well known-club. Or your cousin's husband is a great guy, but you know he used to be into some shady shit before they got together. Or the guy you grew-up with and have known since kindergarden... who you may not have talked to for 10 years, but who you know has family with some underworld ties. If that dude would take your call. Rach out to him.

But if you think hard enough. If you try hard enough, you'll be able to get someone to do you a favor.

If you can't let this go and choose to not care. (and honestly, you really really should do that if you possibly can). Then for me, it's time to get serious.

You'll never get anywhere with this girl unless you FORCE her to stop. You just won't. None of your arguments hold any weight with her. If you can't let this go, send somebody to her house. MAKE her stop.

[Asker]

I keep getting messages from males in my home town trying to sleep with me… they obviously bought it. Some of them are married and have girlfriends…. I threatened to get one of the guys kicked out of school for doing it

[SteveSmith1985]

Jesus, I'm really sorry to hear that. Don't get me wrong... I do understand how you might not be able to "choose to not care" (particularily because I didn't know how successful she had been in her campaign, nor did I know it was affecting you like that in your new life).

In that case, you need to look at that second option (although it's one you and I can't talk in too much detail about... given that we're typing on the internet). But... to me bullying is wrong when it's kids. When it's as an adult, it's simply unacceptable. Start thinking outside your usual box for solutions. You need to work with force. Anyone understands force because they have no choice. I don't know what else you have left. If she can't be convinced to stop, you're going to have to force-it on her. Otherwise... you're a grown-ass woman with a bully. Which you just can't allow.

[Asker]

I thought of something

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh, excellent, and what's that?

[Asker]

I dmed you

[noohair]

Social Media has its dark side. Do not engage with morons and don't live your life online.

[Anonymous]

How exactly is she a "pseudo feminist"?

[Asker]

She doesn’t practice what she preaches

[Opinion Owner]

Lots of people (men and women) don't practice what they preach. I'm just wondering how exactly her bad behavior and lack of character makes her a "pseudo feminist".

[Asker]

Women who are feminist stand against sexual violence/harassment/assault and slut shaming

[Opinion Owner]

Does she claim to be a feminist?

[Asker]

Yes she writes how women should support each other it’s sick

[Opinion Owner]

Are you a feminist?

[Asker]

I don’t claim to be one but I follow those doctrines, I’ve met too many pseudos

[Opinion Owner]

Anyone who claims to be a feminist today is a shitty person.

I do however find it comical how women today, and especially feminists, spend more time calling each other fake feminists than they do actually trying to do anything positive.
Such is the state of modern feminism.

[Asker]

My boyfriend claims to be feminist.

Famous people wise Emma Watson is pretty close...

The only person I knew who was feminist at their core was a girl named Phoebe, she was my friend at one point in high school. She's a vice president, athlete, advocates for women's sports. She was a good person too.

[Anonymous]

Sue her for defamation.