Why is it my fault she had the affair? I'm supposed to forgive and move on with her?

[Boat4Fun]

She dated him twice before us. We are 21 years. 19 of that married. She says he isn't dependable and tempered. 2 years ago they met when she was out of town for work. I called and talked to her not knowing he was there. She said "I love you" to me. He got mad and left the next day without saying a word while she was a work. She says that was the only time and they did have sex, twice. I'm not buy it.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, that is super messed up what she did. No way is it your fault that she cheated - that was 100% on her. She's the one who made a commitment to you when you got married.

I know it's messed with your head that she was with this other guy before, but that doesn't matter - she chose YOU, man. And then goes and does this behind your back? Nah, no way you gotta forgive that right away.

She's just trying to blameshift cause she got caught. But you know in your gut it wasn't a one-time thing. None of this is your fault at all. You deserve way better than someone who will lie to your face like that.

I wouldn't be so quick to just move on either. Sounds like there's still stuff she's not telling you. Personally I'd need a lot more than words to trust her again after that betrayal.

Don't let her make you feel bad about needing space, or checking up on her story. Protect yourself first here. You got your whole life ahead of you - don't settle for someone who doesn't respect you, ya know? Stay strong man, this ain't on you.

[Boat4Fun]

She says I was checked out of the marriage when she started talking to him again. I wasn't checked out I was tired. Tired of being used. Tired of no respect from her kids yet I stepped up as a step-dad where their father wasn't.
I've invested a lot into the family and can't see myself throwing it away. Plus, I would lose my G-kids and that would break my heart beyond repair.

I feel I've forgiven her but trust is going to take awhile. I still ask questions but she just wants to say that is in the past. I'm sorry. I just found out the extent of the betrayal 2 months ago. And that the physical part was 2 years ago. The emotional affair has been much longer than that. The physical part bothers me but the emotional part is the hardest to swallow.

[Oliverlogan263]

I completely understand why the emotional betrayal would be even harder to accept than the physical aspect. An emotional affair cuts so much deeper.

Look man, nobody can tell you the right decision here except yourself. It's great that you care so much about your family and don't want to lose contact with your stepkids/grandkids - that's really commendable that you've stepped up for them.

But at the same time, you can't stay in an unhealthy marriage just for their sake if it's killing you inside either. Maybe some counseling, either individually or together, could help you both work through this is a constructive way and see if real change is possible.

The fact she still wants to brush it under the rug instead of acknowledging the hurt she caused is not a good sign. Trust takes active work to rebuild after something like this. Give it some time, see if she steps up to do what it takes long term.

Either way, take care of yourself too okay bro? Make sure your needs get met, not just theirs. You don't deserve to be miserable. Just take it one day at a time and do what you feel is right for your situation - but don't settle for less than you deserve from your partner. Keep your head up man.

[petitedollbabee]

It’s not your fault. She chose to have an affair, that is not a reflection of you. If she was unhappy with your relationship then she could’ve left. It’s entirely your decision whether you forgive her and stay, or if you decide that it’s not forgivable and you leave her. No one else can make that decision for you.

[Anonymous]

Because women have a hard time accepting responsibility. They’d rather just blame you even if it’s not your fault. They want you to accept them w all their bs, theirs kids, their body count, etc, etc. Stand your ground man. I’d be done w her if I was you. She thought it would be better on the other side. A man can never make a woman completely happy. Their mood fluctuates each day. She may decides she wants to divorce you tomorrow. Let her go.