How can I politely suggest that my friend stop being such a h**?

[DishLady]

A friend of mine (a little younger) seems to be headed down a bad life path where her exchanges with guys is concerned. To be blunt, she's really acting like some random little chippy. She's someone with kids, etc. who should be setting a good example for them rather than behaving this way. As a friend, I'm trying to find a nice way to suggest that she change course and not toss herself at every guy who approaches her, taking them home, exposing her kids to these random guys, etc. Suggestions?

MIND YOU: I just want actual, polite suggestions on what to say to this one. I don't want to read through rants about women, "old people" and whatnot.

[HawkPerception]

I'd hate to say it, but it's not likely any words you say will get through to her. People have to change themselves. They have to WANT to change.

You could tell her "Think about what you're doing to your kid. It's not normal to see your mother bring different guys home all the time. That's a traumatizing experience for the kid and kids aren't dumb. They'll realize their mom's sleeping around with a bunch of guys.

Not just for your kid, but yourself. Sure you'll find some short term pleasure and excitement in bringing new guys home all the time, but in the long term that's just to fill a void in you and you'll never feel truly fulfilled like that."

But I guarantee it doesn't matter if you say that to her or not. It doesn't matter what logic you bring to the table. People only change with traumatic experiences or deep realization that what they're doing is wrong to the point that it makes them sick. If she doesn't see what it's doing to her kid now, I doubt she'll change any time soon.

[SixFootSexy]

The thing you have to ask about addiction, is "why does it make sense to them?"

Everyone with an addiction is typically trying to feel a certain way, or avoid feelings, such as 'being alone' in this instance. Maybe she just really enjoys the thrill of having a new guy every night.

I think the old adage goes: You can't make a h-- into a housewife, but you can turn a housewife into a h--.

People won't and literally cannot change until the problem becomes intolerable. Morally or otherwise. She's choosing a path because it feels good to her in the moment, but her kids will certainly take on the effects of her choices not having a father in the home.

[DishLady]

So you think this is some kind of addiction? I figured, based on her age, that it was hormonal.

[SixFootSexy]

@DishLady
Was she promiscuous before and you just didn't notice? Women usually have some trigger before they go full whºre mode. A divorce perhaps?

[DishLady]

No idea. We're not super close, but it's impossible for me to bring her along for a night out now. She always ends up playing tonsil hockey with whomever she's standing next to for over 5min.

One of the people in our group will even try to "salvage" her by letting her know we're ready to leave and she'll opt to go home with the guy rather than to come back with the rest of us. I don't know...

[NathanDavis]

but... what's the point, I am sure she knows it already...

it is her choice and decision, and being "polite" about it makes no difference... just be more tactful

maybe just ask her, if she is aware of the possible consequences that there are to these actions, and do listen to what she has to say about it...

[MicahRaine]

That's a really sensitive topic. . .

I'm too tired right now to give a very put together opinion, but I'd say maybe just start by asking her where she sees herself in a decade or two and what she thinks she'll value then.

[DishLady]

I don't know if that would work, tbh. I'm thinking more and more since this morning that this is just none of my business. But if she continues I'm going to have to back away, esp if our sons are talking to one another about this mess.

[MicahRaine]

Fair enough. . .

[HungTexan]

It’s a difficult one to answer. I’d start out just discussing her current life with her, don’t judge, just get her to talk about her sex life, dating etc — like you’re interested in how she thinks about it and what she does. Once you understand her motives and rationale, you may better know how to suggest a change.

[DishLady]

Hmm. I honestly don’t want to hear the nitty gritty she’s likely to share… it’s also none of my business.

Her motives and rationale are secondary to the fact that she has to snap out of it and get her act together. Folks are starting to back away from her and her kid, who just turned 20, is getting sick of it and ready to move out rather than watch her behavior.

[ryanrhino]

Maybe ask her how she can protect her kids from the rollercoaster of love and keep their lives less stressful?

[OlderAndWiser]

Maybe you could find an opportunity to mention a cousin who went through a divorce and lost custody of her kids because of hoe behavior.

[MikeRJ]

I would sit down with her and explain your feelings in a non-judgmental way, emphasizing that you care about her and think that her current lifestyle will cause her misery.

[DishLady]

It’s not my feelings… I’ve been asked not to include her in our future gatherings, for example, and she’s going to catch on… And her kid is about to leave her, no joke, just to get away from all this. SMH.

[MikeRJ]

How old is her child and is it a boy or girl?

[DishLady]

A boy (just turned 20). A girl a little younger (~18). He’s getting ready to leave so he doesn’t have to see this. She’s away for college, dorming.

[MikeRJ]

Does she know how they feel?

[DishLady]

Her son spoke to her about it and she brushed it off. She says it's none of his business... but she's bringing all this unneeded sexual drama (all the strange men, etc.) into the house. So he's perspective is that if it's none of his business but he also doesn't want to see it the only alternative is to leave. She hasn't spoken about it at all. My son's been talking to her son about it bc they're old chums from school. It's a mess.

[MikeRJ]

She seems like she has no awareness.

[DishLady]

She's in her 40s and doesn't seem to care about anything but her sexual urges. I don't know why. Funny thing? Around this time last year was a young person asking how to talk to his mom about this sort of thing... who asked me if all women in their 40s were like this... But of course having been in my 40s I knew that NO, we're not all like this. But his mom went off the deep end. And now this person is doing basically the same thing to her son. Strange.

[MikeRJ]

She has always been like this, or only as she got older?

[DishLady]

I honestly never paid much attention to her. She was part of the PTA while our kids were in school, but we traveled in different circles. In the back of my mind I'm a little concerned she's one of the PTA chippies my ex hubbie slept with when the kids were all in school together. She kind of spotted me at one of the girls nights we were on (post-COVID) and recognized me then joined the group. We're not close. My son was "big brother" to her son and sat together on the bus to school for a year, that's all.

[DishLady]

The boys still chat a little on their gaming chat group.

[worldscolide]

Not a clue.

[DishLady]

Lol. That makes two of us.