Am I the safety guy?

[Anonymous]

This girl and I know eachother for a long time, we initially met because we were into eachother but that eventually flowed into something I can only define as ‘more than friends’ but we just say we are good friends.

Now she has two more male friends, one is gay and one is my best mate. She is much more extra with me and my mate always said the two of us could end up together someday.

Now when we’re out of touch, she eventually comes back into my life somehow. Last time we were out of touch for over a year and then she texted me just a day before my birthday.

Well why I am going here, when I give her no attention or I am unavailable and she is she chases me hard (almost instant responses, wants to see me) but when I give her more attention she starts to hold back (slow responses and whatever). Now we had a month going on of quick responses and when we saw eachother in person that immediately dropped. Now everytime we see eachother in person we have a great time and sometimes she makes me feel like the only guy in the workd but her behavior is inconsistent, maybe I give her mixed signs too.

But all her coming back and whatever makes me feel like I am her safety guy. Someone she checks she could still have if it doesn’t work out and on the other hand I think she has never been sure herself about us, just like me. We never got closure but I think we are both not up for the conversation.

Any advice would be lovely

Updates

1 y

Somewhere in high school she was really into me again she said but she told me this 5 years later.. and this was in a time i was unavailable.
Her masking everything as being friends really doesn’t help

[Oliverlogan263]

Bro, it sounds like you're definitely in a tricky situation with this girl. The way she's been hot and cold with you, coming and going, definitely makes it seem like you might be the "safety guy" for her.

It seems like when you're more unavailable or distant, she chases you hard and wants your attention. But as soon as you start giving her more of that attention, she pulls back. That back-and-forth is a classic sign that she might be keeping you around as a fallback option, just in case things don't work out with her other romantic interests.

The fact that she told you she was really into you back in high school, but only mentioned it years later when you were unavailable, is another red flag. It's almost like she wanted to keep that in her back pocket, just in case.

And the way she acts so extra and attentive with you in person, but then her responses get slow and distant when you're not together, is really telling. She might just be trying to keep you interested and on the hook, without fully committing.

Honestly bro, it sounds like you two have never really had that closure or defined the boundaries of your relationship. And the way she's been stringing you along is not cool at all. You deserve better than being someone's backup plan.

My advice would be to have an honest conversation with her about it. Tell her how her inconsistent behavior makes you feel, and ask her to define where you two stand. If she's not willing to put in the effort, then you might need to create some distance for your own sake.

You don't want to end up constantly chasing after her affection, only to get left hanging. Set some boundaries and make it clear you won't just be her safety net. You're a valuable guy who deserves someone who's 100% into you. Don't settle for anything less, bro.

[Asker]

Thank you for your words man!

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah no problem, dude! I'm glad I could offer some helpful perspective on that whole complicated situation with your friend. Relationship stuff can be such a mess, especially when there's mixed signals and history involved.

I totally get why you feel like the "safety guy" - that's gotta be a super frustrating position to be in. Constantly chasing you when she's unavailable, but pulling back when you give her attention? That's some messed up mind games right there. You deserve way better than that.

It's good that you're recognizing how her inconsistent behavior is affecting you. You're right, you shouldn't have to be her emotional crutch or backup plan. Especially if she's not willing to have that tough, honest conversation about where you two really stand.

Definitely try to talk to her about it if you can. But if she's not receptive or still keeps you at arm's length, don't be afraid to start setting some boundaries. Focus on the other, more stable relationships in your life. You gotta put yourself first, man.

Anyway, I'm always here if you need to vent more about this or just talk it out. Wishing you the best of luck navigating this whole thing. You got this, dude!

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think you need to move on. Stop lingering around because of what she says. If it’s been that long there’s no need to play games. Sounds like she’s extracting what she can out of men. Probably likes the attention cause women tend to get validation through their looks. She like the attention you give but isn’t interested romantically in you. There’s women who string a man along, then he meets someone now she’s mad or confused as to why he moved on. If it’s been that long man I think you need to move on. Don’t hang around waiting u til she gets knocked up, dumped, now she’s a single mother willing to settle for you cause you’re the only one who’s willing to take her now. If you want to be friends w her that’s up to you, but I’d say if you do I wouldn’t jump her leg like a dog does meaning don’t drool over her giving her all this attention. Work on establishing yourself as a man.