I feel like people judge me for dating someone who's "below my league", and it's wrecking everything. (long)

[Anonymous]

Basically I'm dating a very unattractive guy. I went from dating the quarterback to the overweight ex-stoner. From being with a 10 to a 3.5... I know it's ridiculous to think like this, because I love my boyfriend, but ... I feel super unattractive simply because I'm dating him. I haven't been hit on as often, I don't catch guys checking me out. I don't look any different, it's not like I've let myself go. I don't know, maybe I just have sh*tty self esteem? Or I'm not trying to pick up other guys? Would that even make a difference?

People I graduated with are constantly saying "Why is she dating him? I know he's nice, but she could do so much better..." My friend even assumed I was embarrassed of him. My friends even try to get me to ditch him whenever we're at the bar.

I feel incredibly stupid for complaining about this, because I love his personality. He'd drop the world for me. He quit smoking weed and partying for me. He got a job because I wanted him to, even though he could have just lived off of his parents' money. He started going to the gym. He brings me coffee. He was there for me while I still wasn't completely over my ex. He was there for me when my grandpa died... He's perfect in every way except for his looks.

He's 240lbs, and 5'9. I'm about 107, and 5'4. I'm not attracted to white guys, especially blond ones with blue eyes. But I'm fully aware that I can't expect his looks to change.

Basically, has anyone else been in this situation? What should I do? Am I crazy?

[Prof_Don]

Not to be an ass...

...but I GENUINELY feel that the peer pressure / influence from others is GREATLY affecting you. Frankly that's a sign of severe mental weakness / self-esteem.

That's not good. You're gonna break up with a guy that's an ideal boyfriend b/c:

1) your friends don't think he's good enough (your friends are bitchy and shallow btw)

2) you don't get attention from other guys (which shouldn't matter when you have an awesome bf)

I feel bad for this dude. He's doing everything to better himself and to make ther relationship work...and YOUR severe mental / psychological weakness is going to ruin everything he's working hard to maintain. :(

------------

The solution? Get thicker skin. Don't give a f*ck about what your friends think about him, and don't give a f*ck about attention from other guys.

It's a gradual process but you can adopt the "i don't give a f*ck" attitude.

Your boyfriend is doing SO MUCH to make this work (as you describe it). He DESERVES for you to not be so influenced by others regarding your relationship.

P.S. Get new friends. These ones care A LOT more about image than how happy you are with your boyfriend.

Are these people really your "friends"?

Do they have YOUR best interest at heart, or are they concerned about imagery of themselves and their group to the masses?

[Anonymous]

Nah, I'm only attracted to white girls with a standard. Usually people see you at the level you put yourself. If the guy your with has no self respect to do something for himself, they're going to view you as such. "birds of a feather flock together", whatever stereotype there is or generalization, and you are associated with a person whose group is known for it, just shoot yourself in the foot for it and kiss your life bye bye. Drugs is one of those things associated with negative traits to avoid.

But this should only matter if you care what others think. If you don't, then well, not sure why this question is being asked. Then again the stereotype is that White Men are more intellectual,more loyal, and definitely more attractive, due to different phenotypes (traits like blue eyes-which is rare, like green, as well as being fair haired). I'm not attempting to stroke my own ego as I have blue eyes, with fair hair, but that is the stereotype, just as it is with the blond bombshells. So either you buy into it or you don't. Pick whatever you want to side with, you sound more confused than anything.

[Asker]

Drugs really aren't an issue. Where I live, probably 80% of people my age - 18, or so - smoke weed occasionally. It's the norm. Drugs aren't an issue, and I'm still seen as the innocent one who never talks much (to my understanding). Everyone cares to some extent what others think. It's human, and we're programmed to be that way.

[Asker]

You didn't really answer my question, you just beat around it.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't believe I did beat around it, I can't tell if you actually care, or you don't, so I explained what you should do and what you shouldn't do based on whether you care or not. If you do care what people think, then leave him, because those associations you have with a guy with such negative traits is going to kill your "attractiveness". You'll just be seen as that stoner chick and whatever else that follows. If not, well then you have no real reason to ask this question.

[Opinion Owner]

Nah, I've managed to walk away from quite a few people who had no self respect and weren't giving any towards me. I have no issue with not caring. Well, drugs holding negative connotations was an example, as the other people in the world usually don't see it in a positive light. In my previous reply, you should understand what I said, at least a sentence. Although I'm not sure if that is very assuring after reading the replies.

[Asker]

I see what you're trying to say. Sorry I'm just tired and stressed. Thanks a million. Really.

[onemoreplease]

Obviously, you're being incredibly superficial. But it sounds like the people around you are the ones who are really being immature and cruel- trying to leave him at a bar? Seriously? I would guess that if you weren't surrounded by shallow jerks, his looks probably wouldn't even be an issue for you. If you love your boyfriend and he is wonderful to you, no one- and I repeat NO ONE- who really cares about you would EVER put him down this way. Real friends will only care if you are happy and he treats you well. Maybe you should start asking yourself why you're associating yourself with people who are very ugly on the inside rather than questioning your sweet bf's looks.

And when it comes down to it, you are the one who is dating him. And if you find him attractive and wonderful, who gives a damn what other people think? Are you going to dump him and start dating superficial d-bags who treat you like crap just so your friends are impressed you're with a "hot" guy?

[pr3ttybr0wn]

it seems like you mainly feel this way because of peer pressure. don't let other people who aren't in your relationship mess up a good thing. if your happy with him then your friends will have to take their heads out of their ass, stop being shallow and realize that you don't have to have the best looking guy to make you happy. if your happy with him because of how he treats you then stay with him. you would feel really bad if you let him go because of your stupid ass friends. they are in bars single probably looking for a guy who treats them as good as your guy does now. remember the old saying MISERY LOVES COMPANY.

also if you aren't attracted to him, help him get to the gym so he can lose weight so you can be attracted to him just like he is attracted to u

[Prof_Don]

You're awesome, Ms. Brown. :)

thumb-up #2 for you.

[Prof_Don]

In the question, QA did mention that he is losing weight.

Just wanted to let you know that. :)

[Anonymous]

You're problem is that despite what you seem to be saying, you're not really attracted to this guy. That's probably because it sounds like he totally kisses your ass all the time. You want validation of your attractiveness from others and you probably want to date them too. Your friends see you aren't as happy in your relationship as you should be and that's why they want you out of it.

[loudman1994]

People are too obsessed with other peoples looks ... follow you're heart and don't care what everyone else thinks.