I'm 17 and in high school. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for years now. I finally got a therapist which has been about 4 or 5 months I've been talking to her. I always have thoughts of suicide and dark thoughts like harming myself, getting hit by a bus/car, cutting, stabbing myself etc. I used to cut but I still do, just started again on Friday. I talked to my therapist about medication (anti depressants) but my parents disagree with it and don't want me taking it. I'm really depressed and want to stop being a downer. I don't want to do special excersizes because I'm too lazy. I want to take the pill and just lower it down. I have friends who take medication and they are happy which I want to be. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months now. I told him a month or 2 ago about my depression and that I cut and that I'm getting better and trying to stop, don't remember what I said but I remember telling him.
He later told me that we need to find me a hobby that will make me happy since he plays football in order to get out his anger and it makes him happy. I was hanging with him at his house watching a movie and while he was hugging me, he saw my cuts on my wrist. I forgot that it was there and feel so embarrassed and like an attention seeker. He asked me if it was recent and I said quietly “no” (it was recent though) and he said “Better not be recent”. I think he was staring at me like he knew I was lying, I don’t remember but he wanted to talk to me privately since his relatives were in the same room as us watching the movie.
He told me that I need to stop and that next time I do it or he catches me with more, he’s going to hide all the knives and sharped objects in my house. Today, we were hugging and looking at each other in the eye all lovey dovey and he ALMOST lifted up my sleeve until I quickly moved it away. He said “I need to check!” and his sister interrupted about a TV show and thankfully he didn’t bring it up. I want to stop but I want to feel good and stop being so anxious and depressed about things. I feel like an attention seeker now especially since last year, he used to sort of make fun of people who cut “emos”. I really want the pill. I feel so stupid. I’m not sure what to do now. I feel like I ruined everything and I won’t make it in life. I keep over thinking about different things. Help?
He later told me that we need to find me a hobby that will make me happy since he plays football in order to get out his anger and it makes him happy. I was hanging with him at his house watching a movie and while he was hugging me, he saw my cuts on my wrist. I forgot that it was there and feel so embarrassed and like an attention seeker. He asked me if it was recent and I said quietly “no” (it was recent though) and he said “Better not be recent”. I think he was staring at me like he knew I was lying, I don’t remember but he wanted to talk to me privately since his relatives were in the same room as us watching the movie.
He told me that I need to stop and that next time I do it or he catches me with more, he’s going to hide all the knives and sharped objects in my house. Today, we were hugging and looking at each other in the eye all lovey dovey and he ALMOST lifted up my sleeve until I quickly moved it away. He said “I need to check!” and his sister interrupted about a TV show and thankfully he didn’t bring it up. I want to stop but I want to feel good and stop being so anxious and depressed about things. I feel like an attention seeker now especially since last year, he used to sort of make fun of people who cut “emos”. I really want the pill. I feel so stupid. I’m not sure what to do now. I feel like I ruined everything and I won’t make it in life. I keep over thinking about different things. Help?
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