So Are You Really A Nice Guy?

People always consider themselves a "nice guy". We have this duality of "nice guys" and "bad guys", right? Nice guys are the ones who are caring and loving, and who would never do anything that would harm their significant one. Bad guys are the ones who don't care about anything (including the issues of their girlfriends), and yet their girlfriends are all over them, despite that he's a complete total jerk. He's the one who violates all the rules, does things that a normal human would never do. These are the stereotypes.

But let's not forget - people are subjective about themselves. Sometimes, we are all blind to our own errors - we might be arrogant at times, we might be jerks at times, there are times when we don't care, and there are times when we do all these negative things. Well guess what, those who claim to be "nice guys" usually tend to be jerks themselves as well, they just don't realize in the spur of the moment. It's always easier to see the whole picture from the outside.

But the fact that we are biased against ourselves as we tend to believe our erroneous actions are "normal" and "not unusual" is not the real point I am planning to make. Of course, it is important that if you always obey every single rule, you will never cause any excitement - and most people consider excitement as the base of "fun", which causes "happiness", so they say. But, the real point is - the actual base of attraction is not completely on the scale of morality. It resides on various other axises.

First of all, we have this over-clich├ęd thing called Confidence. You can be as loving as you want, but if you are not sure about yourself, if you don't project to the world that "here I am, and I am awesome" (not with words, but with your actions, and how you do actions), most girls won't love you. Confidence is a trait taught by society that it is meant to be attractive. Therefore, most girls, especially those who had a happy life, will be looking for that.

Confidence is everything in your appearance - both your physical and your mental appearance. To be physically attractive (have nice clothing, have a nice haircut, have a nice body - and of course have a nice face and all, but you cannot really alter that), and to be fine with yourself, to be happy about yourself. To be sure of your actions, and not to worry if they are right or wrong. Not to be uncertain. Don't worry if they are right or wrong - because everything you do should be right when you do it. By worrying about it, it will be done in a wrong way - and that turns girls off.

Why is this so important? Because if you don't need to pay attention to yourself, then you can start paying attention to others. And people just LOVE attention. Therefore, attention is something they like to be given, but they don't want to give to those who they don't feel worthy for. And people prefer to give only if they are hinted to, but are not forced to. If you are absorbed in yourself, and therefore direct your attention to yourself and other people's attentions to yourself, people might throw you a pity party, but in reality, no one would want to be with you as a "mate". The reasons are, that trying to patch up someone who hates themselves merely because they love to hate themselves to get the sympathy from others, they eventually drain the energy of everyone around them. It's like an emotional black hole. It is exhausting to be constantly giving attention (especially if it does not make any results). The second reason is of course, that people are trying to be happy, and if you just ruin the good mood with your entire existence, people will think of you as a burden. This is due to that you direct everyone's attention to yourself, and to your negative side. Your insecurities. However, everyone is insecure to some level, but most people don't need to and don't really want to know about your insecurities. In reality, almost everyone has some insecurities - they just don't show them to the world around them.
Only insecure and shy people would want to know your insecurities, to ensure that you are just like them, for being similar and being compatible - but let's not forget. Secure guys want secure women, insecure guys want insecure women, and insecure women want secure guys. Oh wait, did I break the pattern? Well, guess what. Girls are looking for someone to fill out their own errors, while guys tend to look for someone with the same errors so they won't feel they are inferior. But if you are equal, you cannot be superior. Which is why you should seem you are better than the girl - but not by telling her that you are better, but by being sure of what you are doing. And this is confidence. The ability to show off that "having you" will overcome her insecurities by being with you. That you can supplement her errors.

That was the original base of attraction that everyone knows about. But there is a catch. We don't always think our actions through as if we were in the place of that other person we are doing things to. What do I mean, by that sometimes we don't run things through your "empathy"? Well, apparently there are times when we think we are doing the best thing we can do for someone, and in reality, if someone did the same thing to us, we would be just as intimidated - we just don't realize this as we are doing it to someone else.

And this is where the real "Nice Guy" thing comes in. If you are overly loving and affectionate, you can find yourself trying to be with a girl all the time, to express your love, and to feel happy because she is around. But this is the real problem. If you haven't really been in a relationship, then you don't know, that even if YOU want to be with the given person at every single second of every single day (given that you don't have anything else to do), your CONSTANT presence is UNWANTED. If you spend every single second with the person "of your desire", you will eventually drain off her energies with your presence. You will "suffocate" her. You will intrude her "personal space" constantly, and with you being around, she would be limited in her actions - she would not always be able to do what she would originally want to do. And people dislike being limited on what they want to do.

Therefore, if you want to constantly stay around the girl, then you are what they call, "CLINGY". Clinginess is one of the most ANNOYING aspects in a human, so they say. It's not about attractive or unattractive, it's just UNWANTED. People don't want you to be always around them to show them how much you love them. They want you to be there when they want you to be there, not when YOU think that you should be there. You are so self-absorbed in what you think is right, that you don't realize you are suffocating the needs of the other person. You force yourselves upon them, and don't realize what you are doing is wrong. So if you always try to spend more and more time with a girl... You should notice that it's not the right thing to do.

This is the first article I've written, and I've hope you've found it useful. With some introspection and reflexion, you might see some errors you haven't noticed before. If you've read it, I'm glad that you did - if anything comes up in your mind, feel free to comment.
So Are You Really A Nice Guy?
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  • FloppyBunny
    I know. Sometimes there are guys who are angry and misogynistic and then complain that women don't date them because they're "too nice" when it's the complete opposite. Most of the time, the guys who are gripping about how women ignore nice guys are anything but.

    Or those guys have OTHER major flaws that they completely ignore and just chalk it up to their supposed niceness (an overweight guy gets offended that a gorgeous girl isn't interested in him and he thinks it's because he's "too nice"?)
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guy

  • Mesonfielde
    Thanks for all the positive feedback! :)

    A lot of time has passed by since writing this article, and I'd like to add that there is a whole new level to "directing your attention towards yourself". This "self-consciousness" of yours, that originates from FEAR, makes your projected image unauthentic. Because it's imperfect, because you're not sure about it either! Therefore, to get over being a nice guy, you must Lose Your Fear and be sure of yourself - be confident. Know what is right, and do it.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Mesonfielde
    Yes, and your appearance will be defined by your inconfidence in your own actions. Apparently it's not about being irresponsible - it's about not worrying if it's right or wrong (preferably right). Know what you are doing, but don't be held down by it. And not just looks - I'm talking about the image. Looks and actions represent who you are (or at least in the eyes of others)- therefore if you know and do what's right, without worrying about whether it is, then you'll be credible and attractive.
  • Mesonfielde
    Indeed. Most assume that they are "too nice", which is technically true in a way - they are so "nice" to the girl that in order to make sure there's no conflict, and therefore she won't find a difference in opinion that would make her dislike him, he eventually refuses to accept his own opinion. He just throws away his "self" and -worth- as a person.. Others would word this as "becoming passive".

    Some other flaws include being generally uninteresting, passive-aggressive, or dependent.
  • Mesonfielde
    I wrote this article in 8/25/2010 10:41 AM, and I had to re-read it to remember what I had to say - but I still agree with it.

    To answer your question, most of it can be applied, yes. A personal advice from me would be that you can always try to project the situation onto yourself, and picture how you would feel in the same circumstances. Assuming less desire for immediate physical contact and less powerful physical attraction increased my effectiveness at providing better empathic estimation.
  • Mesonfielde
    That's like saying all male human beings are attracted only to extroverted party girls who wear pink clothes, black mini skirts and red high-heels; based on their boobs and behinds

    I think you should also see that this is not necessarily true in all cases, even if it is in some.

    I never actually realized that I never replied to Merope, darn. Some people take rejection pretty hard, and take it as if they had been betrayed. And those who betray you "are to be condemned" or at least he thought so.
  • Merope
    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article and I agree with most of your thoughts and opinions when it comes to the depth of the individual. I once dated what I thought was a very nice and intelligent guy. However for all of his "nice" attributes when he broke up with me he turned into a total jerk and then did I see that even though every other girl that dated him said he was "nice" he was such an awful man on the inside.
  • aster
    Can I just say thank you. Seriously, how can guys sit there and say they don't get it when you put it so straight forward yourself? It's not that guys don't get, they don't want to get it, because they'd rather play the victim.

    Like I just had this one guy tell me that if a woman dates "a bad man" she deserves to get beaten up. This same guy said that he was a "good guy". Bullsh*t.
  • gtex1991
    Well written

    but so much for getting a girl. and why should guys suffer when girls can be worse than guys, is it because they don't approach, and thus don't expose themselves. it is not until later in the relationship that we find girls to have insecurities. thus get dumped
  • human_condition
    Absolutely, it seems like 98% of guys on here are the 'nice guy', always missing out on the girl who goes for the 'jerk'. Most girls aren't actually that stupid, and there'll be another reason why you're still single.
    • Skyrim

      Yes of course, being simply "nice" is nothing.. well. as a human it is needed to be nice. that is standard. what I think you mean is: there must be more then being "nice" behind a face.

  • biirujapan
    Just the same how many drug dealers do you know that don't have a girlfriend? What about guys that volunteer on weekends? I know plenty of them that don't have girl friends. Of course it's all anecdotal but the fact remains that women have been scientifically shown to be attractive to men that have same personality traits that pathological liars and malignant narcissists have.

    British scientists actually did a published study (it made it into a peer-reviewed sociological journal) on this.
  • Hanzo
    Well nice guys are humble and wish everyone the best. But after long periods of time they see that their kindness is mistaken for weakness and exploited, they have every right to lash out at the ones who manipulated them.
    LikeDisagree 2 People
    • No, they don't. You don't need to lash out at anyone. You should be nice because its the right thing to do.

  • everlite
    I don't necessarily agree with everything you've just said, but it was well-written and the clingy point is by far some of the best advice someone should receive if they haven't already
  • findingdreamland
    Are you at college and being a researcher or sth? If not, you should totally go for it.
    If yes, forget what I said.^_^
    you are exactly in correct place.
  • MmaTender
    You seem to have the cycle of things well in hand, and the harder part of expressing it was well done. great read
  • georgewilson
    "Confidence is everything in your appearance" and "to be sure of your actions, and not to worry if they are right or wrong." If you care about doing things right, you'll do them wrong. Looks and irresponsibility are sexy to women. This appears to be the gist of the article. Appearance is not all controllable and depends partly on how the viewer thinks. Not giving a damn is not the same is having the guts to make the right decisions. And skill does not make you fail. See my rebuttal.
  • SlashCo
    Continued - it's easy to say 'have confidence and be yourself' but for some people it's just not enough.

    I've seen too much bashing of 'nice guys' lately and I don't think all of it is warranted. Most of them are probably just confused because the stuff that society has taught them should work to attract a woman doesn't work. They see other guys pick up girls effortlessly and don't know why it doesn't happen for them. Honest introspection and change is the key, for those strong enough.
  • SlashCo
    A lot of this is true, but I also know guys who are quite literally jerks and have no trouble getting women. One guy I knew treated girls like servants, cheated on them, was an abusive and controlling bully, yet he had a new girlfriend almost every month. Another guy was basically an arrogant meathead jock with the mentality of a 4th grader, but because he had a good body, he was always with the hottest girls on his arm. Meanwhile a nice normal guy hears 'let's just be friends'.
  • Skyrim
    I am known as a nice guy. Well... as it is known i get kind of... ignored to be nice. girls seem to be talking to me when they need something.
    actually I try to be helpful, not because they are girls, but because I know I am the only one who can help/solve problem. girls often mistake it.
    When I get full of the girls. yes it happens. I have my selfrespect, I act like a jerk... and guess what? they complain about me, when I talk diffrent, not so polite, do what I want. etc.
    so "confident" think I am kind of obliged to be a servant?
    • Skyrim

      correction: so the "confident" girls think I am kind of obliged to be a servant?

  • Sim0nSay5
    Very interesting article. Could it also be applied to the opposite sex?

  • iamranga
    Great article, liked the definitions and has made things clearer for me. Thank you
  • said42
    Interesting point of view. Must say that I, in fact, liked the article. Aside if the that, you are a very good writer.
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