So, I made good on my word and made a male version of this:
IT'S NOT SERIOUS. DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. JUST FOR FUN.
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James - Medium height, soft spoken, nice guy, but secretly kind of a jerk.
John - Your dad gave you a Biblical name, and you're likely very boring and predictable.
Robert - Your a nice fellow, but you're a loud talker. Your probably work in sales or an accountant.
Michael - In college, you were "cool Mike." But nowadays, since you got married at 24, you're just "Michael the serious businessman" at 30 and wondered where your youth went.
William - You used to be a major player, but then you got fat and started to lose your hair at 31.
David - You're a cool dude, but your jokes suck.
Richard - They call you "Tricky Dick" for a reason, and no one actually trusts you.
Charles - You're a friend of a Mike/Michael, and used to go by Charlie. You were a high school/college athlete, but now, you just drink too much beer. Will eventually be a bad-ass in charge who goes by "Chuck" but not until at least 40 or so. (Norris)
Joseph - Joseph/Joe is the clown and troublemaker when young and always getting everyone else in trouble as well, Joe! This is doubled if you went by "Joey" and not "Joe. When older, Joseph is often the middle-aged, balding boss with a wife and mortgage.
Thomas - You're a good guy, but kinda too soft and soy. Everyone always says "Tommy's a good guy; leave him alone."
Christopher - Everyone loves and/or hates a Chris. You're either ONLY tall, handsome, and rugged (Hemsworth/Evans/Pratt/Pine) OR you're short, kinda ugly, and kinda somewhat likeable (Rock/Priest).
Ryan - A lesser "Chris," but you do better with the ladies than a Chris (like Reynolds). Ryans are always sarcastic and smug, to the point of almost being annoying.
Daniel - You're an egghead and a nerd, and you're lucky if a woman so much as even looks at you. Regardless, you'll end up with a fat ugly wife by the time you're in your thirties.
Paul - Paul's are always a**holes. And probably perverts, too.
Mark - Marks are always douchebags. Whenever people think of late thirties, early forties, upper middle class white guys who work at car lots, it's always a Mark. (McGrath, Miller, Walhberg)
Donald - Donalds are always bosses. From Trump, to "The Big Don," to that Captain Marvel biker, to the Duck, Donalds are always bosses.
George - George Can't-Stand-Ya (Seinfeld). But really, Georges are usually annoying, whether it be in the "cool" way (Clooney) or the annoying way.
Kenneth - Kenneths are usually well-mannered Christians (30 Rock), but sometimes pretty judgmental jerks.
Steven - Lanky guys who are generally charismatic, but have bad breath (Tyler, Smith, Carell).
Edward - Sometimes fat, but usually jovial and positive. People often love "Ed/Eddie" and always talk well about him.
Brian - You're the male equivalent of a Basic Bitch. A nice fellow, probably in good shape, but boring.
Ronald - Usually sleazy, often times a "Nice Guy." To women, you're "Ronald." The boys, you're "Big Ronnie."
Anthony - Tall, rugged, somewhat handsome. Usually a decent guy, but kind of annoying and loud, at times. Likely does Crossfit. Likes to be called "Ant'inny" or "Tony Tone Toni."
Kevin - Kevins are annoying. They're like "that one guy in accounting." Kevins are know-it-alls.
Jason - Jasons are cool short guys... Unless they're a Vorhees.
Matthew - A Biblical name means you're probably an average 20-30 something who had a good dad growing up, but your kids don't like you.
Gary - Garys are always jerks! Even before Pokemon! Gary Oak was not the first a**hole Gary! Garys usually work for jobs like the IRS or the parking authority, just meant to annoy people.
Timothy - Tims are always going to be short guys, due to "Tiny Tim," or ironically HUGE guys, due to "Tiny Tim." Personality wise, they're lame, like Tim Drake.
Larry - Larrys are sleazeballs and probably ambulance-chasing lawyers. There's also that game "Leisure Suit Larry." Larrys are never pleasurable to deal with.
Jeffrey - Game of Thrones ruined all Jeffreys, even if it's not the same exact name. They're still going to be annoying, unfunny, and potentially overweight. (Bezos, Dunham, Foxworthy, Jeffries)
Frank - Franks are slimy, no good, and probably criminals, but still charismatic and likable. Franks are known for being "frank." (Filthy, Reynolds)
Scott - Scotts are also annoying. Talented to some, but annoying. They're also "basic bitch" white guys who live in the burbs. (Stapp, Bakula, Hall, Steiner)
Eric - Erics are usually cool, but lazy. 50% chance an Eric is going to be a stoner.
Stephen - Stevens are cool, Stephens are insufferable douchebags (Colbert). Trust Stevens; avoid all Stephens.
Andrew - Andys and Andrews are usually the extroverted, grungy rock kind of guys who love to party and get wasted. Fun in your twenties, sad in your mid thirties.
Raymond - Raymonds and Rays are pretty boring (Romano). They're moderately successful and own a home, but still boring.
Gregory - Gregs are decent guys. Gregs can often be a friend, but don't trust them around your girl.
Joshua - Josh'es are like cheaper versions of Andrews. Usually short, fat, and ugly, but get by on their "personality." (Gad) Jonah Hill is really a "Josh/Joshua."
Jerry - The annoying ambiguously-Jewish guy no one finds funny, but is still always there. From Seinfeld to Lewis to Smith from "Rick and Morty."
Dennis - "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" ruined every Dennis forever. All Dennis'es will forever be known as the sex offender types. Before that, Dennis' were still kind of pricks (Leary).
Walter - Walt is the older guy who's a secret bad-ass you don't f*ck with. (White, Matthau, Whitman)
Patrick - Will forever be known as the "really dumb but lovable" big guy. Not just from Spongebob, but Warburton, too. Just don't trust one who goes by "Pat." Pat's a horrible name.
Peter - Speaking of Family Guy, Peter is one of the most "love em or hate em" names ever. Peters are either really awful (Griffin) or really likable (Parker).
Harold - Boring, nerdy, and potentially Jewish (Ramis). The one exception is "Harold and Kumar." It's otherwise a very old-school name.
Douglas - Doug is a guy you often hear about, but never see. Dougs are mysterious, but become super boring if you ever meet one.
Henry - Henry's are secret Alpha Males.The ones you never know are such. (Cavill, The Eighth)
Carl - Carls are usually fat black guys. Somewhat short, too. Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince should've been a Carl. (Winslow, Jr.)
Arthur - Arthurs are always nerdy beta males, thanks to that damn children's book!
Roger - Rogers are always the villain. Never trust a Roger.
Jack - Jack is always the fairy tale protagonist. Kind of like the male "Mary." Jacks get sh*t done.
Albert - Alberts are always geniuses from now on, but geniuses are almost always evil in some way. (Einstein, Wesker) Sometimes, they are morbidly obese, too.
Jonathan - Another Biblical name means another mild-mannered tall man who grew up in a Christian household, most likely. John's are usually nice enough, albeit boring, men. Jon's, though, are douchebags. And Johnny's are usually always criminals. Only trust the John's with an H. Never three-letter Jons and Johnny's.
Justin - Always the young skinny California-esque Nice Guys who are actually douchey. From Long to Bieber. Never trust Justins.
Terry - Terrys are wildcards. They are sometimes masculine enough (Crews), but then you find out they're male feminists and you realize how cucked and simped they are. That's what happens when you grow up with a female name as a boy.
Gerald - Geralds are old-timey males who were born in the wrong century. 21st century Geralds are just f'n weird!
Keith - Any redneck douchebag you meet is gonna be a Keith, whether that be first name or last name. Keith David is the rare exception to the rule.
Randy - Speaking of Randy Keith Orton, Randys are tall, smug, elitist, frat house, rich boy dipsh*ts. If you dislike Donald Trump, you'd assume all his sons would be named "Randy." Randys are total pieces of sh*t, and the ladies LOVE the bad boys like Randy.
Samuel - Sams are cool, but none are as cool as L. Jackson. But they're at least cooler than the beer or guy its named after.
Willie - Nelson made all Willies cool, stoner types from the South. So that's what a Willie is, now.
Ralph - Ralphs are fat f*ck-ups. From Cramden to Wreck-It. Ralphs are inexplicably popular, despite being drunk a**holes.
Lawrence - Lawrences are lawyers or police officers, because they've always been known as "The Law." I can't tell you much about a Lawrence.
Nicholas - Guys named Nicholas are creepy. Smiling nice guys who are probably the kind to drug women's drinks at the bar. Though, that depends if they're a "Nick" or a "Nic." The former is a "Jonas," the latter is a "Cage" Fighter.
Roy - Roys are trouble. They're the bullies in elementary school, but deep down inside, Roys just want to be loved.
Benjamin - Bens are big bosses. The fat ugly guy who's oddly enough a player oozing confidence and charisma (Franklin). Patrice O'Neal and Rick Ross are supposed to be "Bens." Cause "It's all about the Benjamins, baby."
Bruce - Bruce is always the "cool uncle" type with a million different stories. Campbell started this trend.
Brandon - Brandons are skinny but tall white nice guys who used to be jerks. In grade school, Brandon's were always the coolest kids in school.
Adam - Adams are annoying Jewish guys who are less funny than they think they are (Corolla, Sandler, Levine, Brody, Goldberg).
Seth - All Seths are smug pale white douchebags who are overly liberal. (Green, Rogen, Meyers, McFarlane, etc)
Harry - Harrys are always handsome British twats who are shorter than you'd think. From Styles to the Prince.
Fred - Freds are annoying short fat guys. Ten times worse if they're "Freddys." (Durst, Savage, Flintstone)
Wayne - Waynes are usually tough bad-asses, if it's their last. (Bruce, John)
Billy - Billys are funny guys who like to joke around and act like clowns.
Steve - Steves are always slightly weird, somewhat nerdy, colorful try-hards (Carell, Martin, Tyler.)
Jeremy - Jeremys are annoying know-it-alls who like to critique and nitpick everything. They're often nerds too, but not the likeable kind.
Aaron - Aaron's are snooty, WASP-y, and arrogant. Typically the types of people to come from New England. (Eckhart)
Howard - Howard's are eccentric geniuses who may or may not have a sense of humor. (Hughes, Stark)
Eugene - Eugene's are creepy nerds and the most common name for an incel. (Byrd, Levy)
Carlos - Carlos are the Mexican sidekicks who die early in the story. They're like the Red Shirts of men.
Russell - Russells are typically mid-life crisis stepdads. The kind you hate when you're a kid, but respect more when you're an adult. (Kurt, Crowe, Brand)
Bobby - Bobbys are the short skinny party guys with buzzcuts. Unless they go by "Robert;" Roberts are Bobbys stern fathers.
Victor - Anyone who's name starts with a V and an I is just begging to be a supervillain. A vile, venomous villain.
Martin - Martins are introverted quiet nerds who are likely sociopaths (Van Buren). Some Martins (Lawrence) are funny though, but still secretly sociopaths.
Todd - Todds are wildcards. Todds are usually the type who start out quiet, and end up getting really loud and extroverted. Never give alcohol to a Todd.
Jesse - Thanks to Breaking Bad, Jesse's are always going to be young troublemakers and high school dropout types.
Craig - Craigs are British twats. Annoying pompous know-it-alls. The type you say "Shut up Craig!" to.
Alan - Alans are pretentious, liberal, college professor beta male types. Especially thanks to Two And A Half Men, but also Alan Wake.
Shawn - Shawn's are usually southern California, slightly chubby skater-boy types. (Mendez) Ed Sheeran is more of a "Shawn Edran." However, "scenes" are typically the more sophisticated, debonair counterparts who always die at the end (Bean, Carter).
Phillip - Phillips are artsy perfectionists who take their craft seriously (Hoffman). Quentin Tarantino is more of a "Phillip." Phils are slightly less serious, however.
Jimmy - Jimmys are insufferable. The kind of skinny soyboy you want to punch in the face. Jimmys also think they're funny, but rarely ever are. (Kimmel, Fallon, Neutron)
Antonio - Antonios are cool Mexicans. ...Usually (Banderas). They never go by "Tony."
Danny - Dans and Dannys are usually cool guys who you don't want to get on the bad side of. People always think Danny is a "boring" name, but a lot of Dannys are rarely that type. (Trejo, Hartman)
Stanley - Stans are also usually narcs and tattletales. Stans will always turn on you, betray you, or rat you out, even more than a Judas.
Nathan - Nathans and Nolans are the stereotypical male movie protagonists. Handsome, charming, tall, and fearless. (Drake)
Rodney - Rodneys are usually ugly-but-likable guys who never get any respect. No respect at all. Especially King.
Marvin - Marvins are always the perpetual virgins. Short, overweight, nerdy, pitiful types. You know Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons? That's a Marvin. Or even Milhouse or Martin Prince. They're all Marvins.
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