This is my 100th MyTake! So I'm going to go back to an old MyTake and update a little bit for 2023. If this is your name, this is likely your personality and who you are.
IT'S NOT SERIOUS. DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. IT IS JUST FOR FUN.
A
Aaron - Aaron's are snooty, WASP-y, and arrogant. Typically the types of people to come from New England. (Eckhart)
Adam - Adams are slightly annoying Jewish guys who are less funny than they think they are, but they grow on you over time and you learn to enjoy their company (Corolla, Sandler, Levine, Brody, Copeland, Goldberg).
Alan - Alans and Allens are pretentious, liberal, college professor beta male types. Especially thanks to Two And A Half Men, but also Alan Wake.
Albert - Alberts are always geniuses from now on, but geniuses are almost always evil in some way. (Einstein, Wesker) Sometimes, they are morbidly obese, too.
Andrew - Andys and Andrews are usually the extroverted, grungy rock kind of guys who love to party and get wasted. Fun in your twenties, sad in your mid thirties. (W.K)
Anthony - Tall, rugged, somewhat handsome. Usually a decent guy, but kind of annoying and loud, at times. Likely does Crossfit. Likes to be called "Ant'inny" or "Tony, Toné, Toni."
Antonio - Antonios are cool Mexicans. ...Usually (Banderas). They never go by "Tony."
Arthur - Arthurs are always nerdy beta males, thanks to that damn children's book/show! And even the "Joker" movie show Arthurs as being incel betas.
B
Benjamin - Bens are big fat bosses. The fat ugly guy who's oddly enough a player oozing confidence and charisma (Franklin). Patrice O'Neal and Rick Ross are really actually "Bens." Cause "It's all about the Benjamins, baby."
Billy - Billys are short funny guys who like to joke around and act like clowns, but still get the job done. (Mays, Joel, Zane, Ray Cyrus, Crystal, Dee Williams) Jack Black is also really a "Billy." Billys are different from Williams.
Bobby - Bobbys are the short skinny party guys with buzzcuts. Unless they go by "Robert;" Roberts are Bobbys stern fathers. Bobby Brown is the exception to the rule.
Brandon - Brandon's are skinny but tall white nice guys who used to be jerks. In grade school, Brandon's were always the "coolest kids in school" and the male version of an Ashley.
Brian - You're the male equivalent of a Basic Bitch. A nice fellow, probably in good shape, but boring. Everybody always asks, "But what about Brian?"
Bruce - Bruce is always the "cool uncle" type with a million different stories. Campbell started this trend, but Springsteen also applies to it.
C
Carl - Carls are usually non-nonsense fat guys, and sometimes non-nonsense black fat guys too. Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince should've been a Carl, like Steve Urkel's neighbor. (Winslow, Brutananadilewski, Carl's Jr.)
Carlos - Carlos are the Mexican sidekicks who die early in the story. They're like the Red Shirts of men.
Charles - You're a friend of a Mike/Michael, and used to go by Charlie. You were a high school/college athlete, but now, you just drink too much beer. Will eventually be a bad-ass in charge who goes by "Chuck" (Norris) but not until at least 40 or so.
Christopher - Everyone loves and/or hates a Chris. You're either ONLY tall, handsome, and rugged (Hemsworth/Evans/Pratt/Pine) OR you're short, kinda ugly, and kinda somewhat likeable (Rock/Priest). Chris's get chicks.
Craig - Craigs are British/western European twats. Annoying pompous know-it-alls. The type you say "Shut up Craig!" to. (Daniel, David)
D
Daniel - Daniel; you're an egghead and a nerd, and you're lucky if a woman so much as even looks at you. Regardless, you'll still end up with a fat wife by the time you're in your thirties and your kids probably won't hate you.
Danny - Dans and Dannys are usually cool guys who you don't want to get on the bad side of. People always think Danny is a "boring" name, but a lot of Dannys are rarely that type. (Trejo, Hartman) Daniels and Dans/Dannys are not the same.
David - You're a cool dude, but your jokes suck. Most Davids are fat/have dad bods.
Dennis - "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" ruined every Dennis forever. All Dennis's will forever be known as the sex offender types. Before that, Dennis' were still kind of pricks (Leary).
Donald - Despite seemingly like fools at first, Donalds are always bosses. From Trump, to "The Big Don," to that Captain Marvel deleted scene biker, to the Duck, Donalds are always bosses.
Douglas - Doug is a guy you often hear about, but never see. Dougs are mysterious, but become super boring if you ever actually meet one.
E
Edward - Sometimes fat and loves to eat, but usually positive and jovial. People often love "Ed/Eddie" and always talk well about him.
Eric - Erics are usually cool, but lazy. About a 6 out of 10 in looks and typically skinny. 50% chance an Eric is going to be a stoner. (Foreman, Idle)
Eugene - Eugene's are creepy nerds with nasally voices and the most common name for an incel; don't blame me for it. (Byrd, Levy)
F
Frank - Franks are slimy, no good, likely fat and bald, and probably criminals, but still charismatic and likable. Franks are known for being "frank." (Filthy, Reynolds)
Fred - Freds are loud, annoying, short fat guys. Ten times worse if they're "Freddys." (Durst, Savage, Flintstone)
G
Gary - Garys are always jerks! Even before Pokemon! Gary Oak was not the first a**hole Gary! Garys usually work for jobs like the IRS, the parking authority, or some other job just meant to annoy people.
George - George Can't-Stand-Ya! But really, Georges are usually annoying, whether it be in the "cool" way (Clooney) or the neurotic and uptight way (Constanza). Even King George was annoying.
Gerald - Geralds are old-timey males who were born in the wrong century and often have handlebar mustaches and sideburns. 21st century Geralds are just f'n weird!
Gregory - Gregs are decent guys, but can't control their se x life. Gregs can often be a friend, but don't trust them around your girl.
H
Harry - Harrys are always handsome British twats who are shorter than you'd think and less charming than they appear to be. From Styles to the Prince.
Harold - Boring, nerdy, and potentially Jewish (Ramis). The one exception is "Harold and Kumar." It's otherwise a very old-school name.
Henry - Like Clark Kent, Henry's are secret Alpha Males. The ones you never know are such. (Cavill, The Eighth)
Howard - Howard's are eccentric geniuses who may or may not have a sense of humor. (Hughes, Stark, the Duck)
I
Ian - Ians are Machiavellian evil geniuses who may or may not have a refined British accent. (McKellen)
J
Jack - Jack is always the fairy tale protagonist. Kind of like the male "Mary." Jacks get sh*t done. You always want a Jack by your side.
James - Medium height, soft spoken, nice guy, but secretly kind of a jerk who hates everyone behind the veneer of friendliness.
Jason - Jasons are cool, laid-back short guys... Unless they're a Vorhees or Momoa. Jasons rarely ever get upset and are almost always chill.
Jeffrey - Game of Thrones ruined all Jeffreys, even if it's not the same exact name. They're still going to be annoying, unfunny, and potentially overweight. (Bezos, Dunham, Foxworthy, Jeffries)
Jeremy - Jeremys are obese, annoying know-it-alls who like to critique and nitpick everything. They're often nerds too, but not the likeable kind. Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons is technically named Jeff, but he's definitely really a Jeremy. (The Quartering)
Jerry - The annoying ambiguously-Jewish guy no one finds funny, but is still always there. From Seinfeld to Lewis to Smith from "Rick and Morty."
Jesse - Thanks to Breaking Bad, Jesse's are always going to be young troublemakers, life f*ck-ups, and high school dropout types who can play the guitar. Even "Uncle Jesse" was kind of a loser. "Jessie" is a girl's name anyway, so what do you expect? You're not going to be Jesse James (or Meowth!)
Jim - Jim is a simple man; owns a house, has a wife, smokes sometimes, and likes to work on his car. What you see with Jim, is what you get. Jims are not Jimmys; to make that clear.
Jimmy - Jimmys are insufferable. The kind of skinny liberal soyboy you want to punch in the face. Jimmys also think they're funny, but rarely ever are. (Kimmel, Fallon, Neutron)
John - Your dad gave you a Biblical name, and you're likely between 5'10" and 6'0", very boring, and easily predictable. Hank Hill is really a "John."
Jonathan - Another Biblical name means another mild-mannered tall man who grew up in a Christian household, most likely. John's are usually nice enough, albeit boring, men. Jon's, though, are douchebags. And Johnny's are usually always criminals. Only trust the John's with an H. Never three-letter Jons and Johnny's.
Joseph - Joseph/Joe is the clown and troublemaker when young and always getting everyone else in trouble as well, Joe! This is doubled if you went by "Joey" and not "Joe. When older, Joseph is often the middle-aged, balding boss with a wife and mortgage who "lost his smile."
Joshua - Josh'es are like cheaper versions of Andrews. Usually short, fat, and ugly, but get by on their "personality." (Gad) Jonah Hill is really a "Josh/Joshua."
Justin - Always the young skinny, tattoo-sleeved southern California-esque 'Nice Guys' who are actually super-douchey. From Long to Timberlake to Bieber. Pete Davidson is most definitely really a Justin, too. Never trust Justins, especially around your girl.
K
Keith - Any redneck douchebag you meet is gonna be a Keith, whether that be first name or last name (Toby). Keith David is the rare exception to the rule.
Kenneth - Kenneths are usually skinny, well-mannered Christians (Parcell from 30 Rock, Copeland), but sometimes pretty judgmental jerks. Kirk Cameron is also a Kenneth. Just note that Kens are more laid back and agnostic/atheist, compared to Kenneths.
Kevin - Kevins are annoying male versions of Karens. They're like "that one guy in accounting." Kevins are dumb "know-it-alls" who know nothing. (Smith)
L
Lance - Lances are tall, fit, handsome, successful secret assholes who often work in the corporate world, who appear nice on the outside, like they've got everything under control, but are really unhinged psychos in secret. Patrick Bateman from American Psycho is really a Lance, and so is Dexter Morgan. (Armstrong)
Larry - Larrys are sleazeballs and probably ambulance-chasing lawyers. There's also that game "Leisure Suit Larry." Larrys are never pleasurable to deal with. Saul Goodman is definitely really a Larry.
Lawrence - Lawrences are lawyers or police officers, because they've always been known as "The Law." I can't tell you much about a Lawrence other than to not trust them.
Leonardo - Leos are players with natural leadership skills who ooze confidence just like the King of the Jungle. (The blue-masked ninja turtle, DiCaprio, DaVinci)
M
Mark - Marks are always smug douchebags. Whenever people think of late thirties, early forties, upper middle class white guys who work at car lots, has bicep tattoos, and owns a guitar, it's always a Mark. (McGrath, Miller, Walhberg)
Martin - Martins are introverted quiet nerds who are likely sociopaths (Van Buren). Some Martins (Lawrence) are funny though, but still secretly sociopaths.
Marvin - Marvin's are always the perpetual virgins. Short, overweight, nerdy, pitiful types. You know Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons? That's really a Marvin. Or even Milhouse or Martin Prince. They're all Marvins. Marvins are pessimistic virgins for life and losers who everyone hates. (The Martian, the The Paranoid Android)
Matthew - A Biblical name means you're probably an average 20-30 something with a successful job and wife who had a good dad growing up, but your kids don't like you.
Michael - In college, you were "cool Mike." But nowadays, since you got married at 24, you're just "Michael the serious businessman" at 30 and wondered where your youth went. Most Michaels are alright, but some (Myers) are nightmarish.
N
Nathan - Nathans and Nolans are the stereotypical male movie protagonists. Handsome, charming, tall, and fearless. That's why the Uncharted protagonist is voiced by Nolan North. (Drake, North)
Ned - Neds are nerdy, good family men and Christian types. Yup, all thanks to Ned Flanders!
Nicholas - Guys named Nicholas are creepy. Smiling nice guys who are probably the kind to drug women's drinks at the bar. Though, that depends if they're a "Nick" or a "Nic." The former is an effeminate harmless "Jonas" type; the latter is a "Cage" Fighter.
O
Omar - Omar is a seemingly cool and friendly dude, but hides a dark past of violence and is the 'nice man' you don't want to mess with, as he has a particular set of skills he has acquired over a very long career; skills that make Omars a nightmare for people that cross him. (Epps)
P
Paul - Paul's are always wimpy, skinny, ambiguously gay a**holes (Feig, Ruebens). And probably perverts, too. Many male feminists are Pauls.
Patrick - Will forever be known as the "really dumb but lovable" big guy. Not just from Spongebob, but Warburton, too. Just don't trust one who goes by "Pat." Pat's a horrible lesbian name.
Peter - Speaking of Family Guy, Peter is one of the most "love em or hate em" names ever. Peters are either really awful (Griffin) or really likable (Parker). You never know which Peter you're gonna get until you meet one.
Phillip - Phillips are artsy perfectionists who take their craft seriously (Hoffman, Hartman). Phils are slightly less serious, however.
Q
Quentin - Quentin or Quincy is the quiet artistic kid who will later go on to have an eccentric art career. You could argue Quentin Tarantino fits this, but he's more of a Phillip; although Phillips are similar to Quentins and Quincys. (Adams)
R
Ralph - Ralphs are fat f*ck-ups. From Cramden, to Wreck-It. Peter Griffin is also really a Ralph. Ralphs are inexplicably popular, despite being drunken a**holes.
Randy - Randys are tall, smug, elitist, frat house, drunken, rich boy dipsh*ts. If you dislike Donald Trump, you'd assume all his sons would be named "Randy." It's not a real thing, but if it was, "Toxic Masculinity" would be describing a Randy. Randys are total pieces of sh*t, and the ladies LOVE the bad boys like Randy. (Orton, Marsh)
Raymond - Raymonds and Rays are pretty boring (Romano). They're moderately successful and own a home, but still boring.
Richard - They call you "Tricky Dick" for a reason, and no one actually trusts you. Richards/Rich's are schemers.
Robert - You're a nice fellow, but a loud talker. You probably work in sales or an accountant and is balding/bald by your late thirties. David Koechner is truly a "Robert/Rob."
Rodney - Rodneys are usually ugly-but-likable guys who never get any respect. No respect at all. Especially King. (Dangerfield, King)
Roger - Rogers are always the villain. Never trust a Roger. They'll always betray you!
Ronald - Usually sleazy, often times a "Nice Guy." To women, you're "Ronald." The boys, you're "Big Ronnie."
Roy - Roys are trouble. They're the bullies in elementary school and everyone wants to punch a Roy in the face, but deep down inside, Roys just want to be loved.
Russell - Russells are typically mid-life crisis stepdads. The kind you hate when you're a kid, but respect more when you're an adult and they've heavily matured. (Kurt, Crowe, Brand)
Ryan - A lesser "Chris," but still handsome and you do better with the ladies than a Chris (like Reynolds). Ryans are always sarcastic and smug, to the point of almost being annoying.
S
Samuel - Sams are cool, but none are as cool as L. Jackson. But they're at least cooler than the beer or guy its named after. Female Sams are cooler than male Sams, though.
Scott - Scotts are also annoying. Talented to some, but annoying. They're also usually "basic bitch" Christian white guys who used to be jacked when younger, but now have dad bods and live in the suburbs. (Stapp, Bakula, Steiner, Hall)
Seth - Almost all Seths are pompous, ultra-liberal, upper middle class yuppie, possibly-Jewish assholes who think they're funnier and more likeable than they really are. No one in reality really likes a Seth (Rogen, Green, Meyers, McFarlane).
Shawn - Shawn's are usually southern California, slightly chubby skater-boy types. (Mendez) Ed Sheeran is more of a "Shawn Edran." However, "scenes" Seans are typically the more sophisticated, debonair counterparts who always die at the end (Bean, Carter).
Stanley - Thanks to stupid Zoomer culture and an Eminem song from 20+ years ago, Stans are now known as obsessed staker-ish fanboys. However, Stans are also usually narcs and tattletales. Stans will always turn on you, betray you, or rat you out, even more than a Judas. So it still fits the fanboy mold.
Steven - Steves are lanky guys who are generally charismatic, slightly weird, somewhat nerdy, colorful fun-loving try-hards. (Tyler, Martin, Carell, Smith). They sometimes have but have bad breath. Steves and Stevens aren't so bad once you get used to them.
Stephen - Steves and Stevens are cool; Stephens are smug insufferable douchebags (Colbert). Trust Stevens; avoid all Stephens.
T
Taylor - Like most guys with a female (aka, "gender neutral") name, Taylors are severely overcompensating and trying their hardest to remain masculine and manly, and less "swift."
Terry - Terrys are wildcards. They are sometimes masculine enough (Crews), but then you find out they're male feminists and you realize how cucked and simped they are. That's what happens when you grow up with a female name as a boy.
Theodore - Teds are tall, rugged manly men on the outside, but are a lot softer and afraid on the inside. Teds try to never crack under pressure and remain being seen as a leader and bad-ass, but eventually, all Teds need to go to therapy and let it out.
Thomas - You're a nice fella, but kinda too soft and soy. Everyone always says "Tommy's a good guy; leave him alone!"
Timothy - Tims are always going to be short guys, due to "Tiny Tim," or ironically HUGE guys, due to "Tiny Tim." Personality wise, they're lame, like Tim Drake.
Todd - Todds are wildcards. Todds are usually the type who start out quiet, and end up getting really loud and extroverted. Never give alcohol to a Todd.
U
Uri - Sleazy, probably Jewish, and works either as an agent in LA, or a scummy lawyer doing work like patent trolling. Uri's are never good news.
V
Victor - Anyone who's name starts with a V and an I is just begging to be a supervillain. A vile, venomous villain. (Von Doom)
Vincent - Vince's are asshole bosses, to the core! Hypocritical, often incompetent, and arrogant as hell, yet seem fail-proof. Everyone hates a Vince! (McMahon, Russo, Price)
W
Walter - Walt is the older guy who's a secret bad-ass you don't f*ck with. (White, Matthau, Whitman)
Wayne - Waynes are usually tough bad-asses, if it's their last name. (Bruce, John) They're chill Canadians if it's their first name (Campbell, Gretzky).
William - You used to be a major player, but then you got fat and started to lose your hair at 31. Wills are okay enough.
Willie - Nelson made all Willies cool, stoner types from the South. So that's what a Willie is, now. Note that Willie and Will are not the same.
Y
Yancy - Male Yancys are gay, quiet, and were bullied heavily throughout school. With a name like that, they never stood a chance. Shame on their parents! Luckily, almost no male in the Western world has a Y first name. They're never any good.
Z
Zachary - Zachs and Zacks are the lazy, average-looking, average height white guys who think they are more interesting than they really are. Zachs/Zacks may be "somewhat cool" at best, but never legitimately cool. Zach/Zack sounds like a cool guy name, but they rarely fail to live up to the hype.
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