The Silent Struggle of Male Vulnerability and Women Who Dont Care

[Apope16]

Every have a wife or girlfriend that comes to you with her vulnerability guys? Men are culturally expect to comfort them and show strength and understanding. Be her rock, as they say.

Ever notice that when a guy opens up emotionally about vulnerability women are turned off? A guy comes home from work and doesn't want to hear a thing about his struggle. A guy tells a girl in a relationship that he was abused as a child sexually or emotionally or physically. What happens when a guy does this while dating? The gal comforts the man. Maybe gives them a hug. But over time...she starts to friendzone the man. Right?

His vulnerability changes how women see him. He is no longer the strong masculine macho man and is seen instead as a "friend". The sex starts to fade. She starts treating him like a best friend rather than a person she lusts for.

For men, opening up with emotional vulnerability is a scary thing. It takes us out of our masculine frame. It changes how a woman sees us. It causes us to risk the attraction that a woman we love has for us.

To me it seems that women respond to the vulnerability of their men as a chore. It is empathy because they have to express and show it. Not empathy based on a deeply rooted compassion to move with a man toward a journey of healing and long term commitment.

This is the vulnerability of men. This is the disrespect and lack of empathy that we face with women we fall for.

[MzAsh]

I imagine it’s easy to think this way when you’re dealing with immature girls as you do who aren’t grown up yet. Adult women not only welcome a man’s vulnerability, she must be attentive to it. My husband has lost almost his whole family, and he’s almost died once himself. I’m his wife, his best friend, and his therapist. He knows he can trust in being vulnerable with me. And I love him and respect him no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Women don't give a shit about men unless they are providing money.

[flamiE]

You got it all wrong. We don’t like weak men. Any woman would rather be with an emotionally strong man. Vulnerability doesn’t necessarily mean weakness.

A man can simply come to me and talk about his shitty day, tell me allll about it in great details, what’s important is that he shows resilience. He doesn’t whine but instead he tells me what he thinks is a good thing to do so he can recover from the bad day. If he doesn’t know we could discuss it and I would suggest doing things he’s supposed to do like washing dishes etc so he could take a walk or whatever helps him. Or we could go on a walk and we can talk about it and help him move on and make him feel better. And I would respect him and be turned on that he let me close enough to him to be comfortable with me and be vulnerable. But if he simply kept going I’d be turned off cause at the back of my mind I’d be like “alright, got it, you really had a bad day, but let’s try and bring your positive mindset back for the rest of the evening, shall we?”. Cause if he keeps going he’d bring me down too and then I’d have to be comforted too and wouldn’t be able to make him feel better.

It’s not vulnerability we don’t like, it’s being unable to deal with your emotions. Because we see problem-solving skills as a manly thing, while vulnerability is a human trait. There’s nothing wrong with being a human. But if you show inability to deal with your emotions you could be friendzoned cause we wouldn’t see you as masculine. And don’t get me wrong, we all find ourselves in situations where we don’t know how to handle the emotions we experience, it’s just that there’re people who are like that all the time.

[Kaamraj]

A beautifully put article and I agree with it fully based on experiences in my own life. Both men and women are sexually driven by their hormones and primitive evolutionary reasoning. Attraction cannot be calculated, it is either there or not there.
A woman tries to get a man to open up about his vunreabilies, but as soon as he does and exposes himself to be less "masculine" and her attraction drops. I believe the only female (s) a man can open upto about his feelings is his own mother, or sisters. Even your father's will put things into perspective and offer a solution and tell you to move on.
Therefore, I've come to the sad conclusion that men should not expose their vulnerabilities or emotions unless it's a therapist, very close friend (either sex), or if it's a spur of the moment thing, in front of another senior man. I remember I was doing a low level job and knocked over several carefully stacked exhaust pipes. I was on the verge of having an outburst and might be a few tears were shed because I was going through a lot at that time (mom's medical bills, my plunging college grades, etc). Another older man came and put his hand on my shoulder and said hang in there son, hang in there, relax and let's clean this mess. Nothing else was spoken.
Anyway, yes, until situation changes men will have to bear with this pain.

[Inquisitive3]

Oh poor men have it so awful all around globe! Should we have a pity-party for men who have always been slaves to women throughout history?

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Oof, sounds like you've had one too many bitches in your life.

For me, one of my biggest indications I have a strong relationship with a man is when they feel able to open up to me about their vulnerabilities. I recognize men struggle with this toxic idea of "machoness". Many have been raised to feel like they shouldn't open up or be emotional - but that's wrong. When a male friend of mine chooses to open up to me, I willingly and strongly step into the supporting role, because as a friend that's what he needs. As a lover, if he's my boyfriend, that's what he needs.

It is human to have emotion. It is human to feel. It is part of all of our shared experience.

I adhere to the very old world views on femininity and masculine vulnerability. Men are strong most of the time (so are women, but we don't tend to get as hung up on it as men do), and it's significant to them when they let those walls down. That's a time when they require protection, safety, and compassion - a time when (should the men choose) women (or other men) get to protect that space and nurture our men. There's divinity in both.

Cooperation, mutual support - that's what deepens relationships. I hope you can find more women who treat you as you deserve when you require a time to let down your guard and let down your walls. Women who treat you with respect, with compassion, and with understanding.

Don't let the weird ones who want a false image of manhood to corrupt you. They're not worth your time. Leave them to the false men who refuse to think of vulnerability as the strength it is. They can be "happy" in their lies together. You deserve more.

[Tiffany_Taylor_Made]

Every woman is not turned off about men opening up emotionally. In fact, many women exist that wish that their men were more emotionally expressive. Many men have a macho attitude where they believe that they shouldn't be emotional at all. Personally however, I'm not turned off by men opening up emotionally depending on what they're opening up about. If my man opened up to me emotionally, I would ask why he's struggling and offer him solutions to solve the problem. I expect him to take my advice and solve his problems as a man should. I would only be turned off if he refuses to solve those problems and continue complaining about his struggles. What woman wants a man that comes home constantly complaining about his struggles but fails to solve his problems? I've also never heard of a woman friendzoning a man simply because he opened up to her about being sexually abused. If anything, women would be highly supportive. Ending the relationship for that reason isn't a common thing. Where are you getting this bullshit information from? Personal experience? Personal experiences alone don't represent broad, overlapping truths.

Not every woman views her man as a completely macho robot that doesn't have emotions. We know that men experience emotion and may open up to us. When they do open up, this doesn't mean that women start treating their men as "best friends" and stop having sex. It only becomes a turn-off when men wallow in their own self-pity. It's not that women respond to the vulnerability of their men as a chore. Truth be told, it's more so that we don't want to constantly hear about our man's struggles. We much rather hear news of our man's successes in life. Men should confide in us about whatever negativity they undergo and we should help them excogitate a solution. They then should solve whatever problems they had and share positive news of their success. As a result, struggle shouldn't exist anymore. If a man constantly complains and doesn't want to consider our solutions, then he's not being a real man anymore. Instead, he's a whiner proving that he can't handle life's challenges and simply wants to use our shoulder to cry on. That's not sexy. That's a major turn-off. No non-desperate woman in her right mind wants a man that constantly bitches and moans and doesn't try to stop bitching and moaning.

[coldmarch]

I kind of agree but I find this discourse a bit too dualistic because there are many shades in the middle. It's not true that a guy who shows his real emotive side is going to be friendzoned automatically, and with the age women like more and more men who are genuine and who aren't pretending. Also, more emotional freedom means more connection and more things to share in a relationship.
I think that the main difference in treatment is not about the emotional freedom of the guys itself, but it's mainly in how they express their weakness, what they expect from the world to do for them and how they're facing them in tough situations. You can express an incredible strength if you show your emotional sides while being also in control of its side effects and conscious of how to manage them with maturity.

Let me tell you my own experience, since I had -only- guys who were pretty much feminine, emotionally expressive and free. Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but I actually cringe at guys who try to be masculine and I would feel very uncomfortable to imagine myself in a bed with men who are emotionally stuck just to pretend to be strong. It just literally makes me cringe instead of attracting me, and it's a dealbreaker in my case.
On the other side, I have a clear division between emotionally expressive men who I like and who I don't like. When a guy opens himself and implies that I am the solution of his problems and that without me he is lost, it's a dealbreaker as well. When a guy opens himself and implies that he is ultra-triggerable for everything, has abandonment paranoia about me and seeks for continuous reassurement over and over as if I'm an undrainable caregiver, it's a dealbreaker as well. If the guy continuously gives fault to everything for all his discomforts and is not able to do introspection and to manage his issues alone or to take responsibility on his problems, again a dealbreaker. What I mean is: if "male vulnerability" means "becoming an appendix of myself that pulls my skirt like a baby with her mother giving her all the responsibilities for his mental health, future and plans, draining her and whining to get attentions", then I am repulsed because I'm not interested in being emotionally abused like that.
Instead: if the guy knows his vulnerabilities, knows how to cope with them, knows his limits, understands my space and that I cannot be absorbed by his problems, and is able to face his fears, then there is no dealbreaker for me but only maturity to share, connection, a good communication, deep mutual understanding, and mutual protection. 100+ points if in addition he guy has a high artistic sensibility.
Sexually-wise: I like enthusiast sex where the guy is creative, moans, is not afraid to do different things and passionately enjoys and expresses his pleasure, and likes all the roles, also being passive. Instead guys who are inexpressive, only-dominant, serious, scripted and automated, just make me cringe and I can only go frigid with them. I'd feel like if their inner crying baby is trying to free himself through pounding my vag and getting obsessed of that because it's tragically the only channel they know to get some covered "comfiness" from a women to heal their ego wounds, without feeling exposed. I know this is not popular though, but I automatically associate this to a man who tries to be strong, that's why I am put off... I only see covered desperation, and I can't see all that "charm", "dominance" etc that they try to express.

I've listed my experience with motivations because I wanted to add an insight about the shades between these 2 extremes, and to prove that showing vulnerabilities can bring considerably better benefits in a couple and that some women who prefer emotional men exist.

Sorry for all the "daddies" who have been mistreated in my essay. ;)

[Warmapplecrumble]

Don't know why but I never had any guy comfort me for anything. Not even rape, sexual abuse, domestic violence, miscarriage, flat out being hit by other people.

But I try to still be there and listen to other people. It helps me a little when I make others happy.

[JSmuve]

"His vulnerability changes how women see him. He is no longer the strong masculine macho man and is seen instead as a "friend". The sex starts to fade. She starts treating him like a best friend rather than a person she lusts for."

^ This right here! All the women say that it's okay for men to be vulnerable and cry. They'll even go as far as to say they comfort these guys, but do they lust after them the same way? Eventually they lose attraction for these guys and see them differently. Sure, they may still care about them, but it's more like they care about you as a friend or a brother, than a lover.

If a woman can't support a guy through his struggles, that should be a huge red flag for all guys. But equally so, if she can't support you while still giving you the same level of sex and physical intimacy, then that's another red flag. It's not obvious but festers over time until she blindsides you saying she doesn't feel attracted to you anymore and that she sees you more like a best friend.

[chicchic]

I think this is completely wrong. I wish my boyfriend was more vulnerable.

I had an ex when I was younger who showed a great deal of vulnerability.. he used to cry more than I did during the relationship. I loved him for it because I knew who he was.

I'm slowly getting to know my current boyfriend, but it's hard because he doesn't often show his vulnerable side.

[LayLay96]

Well tbh half of what you just said is false, sorry to say... But you'd be happy to know probably that it's false. It's actually opposite, this statement would've been more accurate 5-6 years ago but nowadays it's different. If this statement is still going on, then its only true for girls that are still immature, not women. Women are actually looking for a man that can be vulnerable with her.

Women know that it's hard to find a man that's willing to emotionally open up, and if they already do have a man there's nothing more they want than for him to open up, and for them to see past his masculine side. Women that do have a man that opens up emotionally know that they're the lucky ones to have such a man. They know it's a big prize. It shows that he trusts her with his emotions, any man that isn't vulnerable with his woman shows that there's some type of lack of trust.

It's hard to build a connection in a relationship if one can't express how they feel. And that's what a relationship is made out of, trust and connection along with a few others. But trust is the main one. It's not a turn off, if it is, it's for girls that are still immature and think that guys always have to put on a straight face everywhere they go.

I'll tell you my story, I've had a guy cry for me, it was on a video calling session. That was the first time I'd ever seen a man that wasn't still a boy cry. Let alone for the thought of me leaving, he was crying in front of me. He was letting it be unknown though, I could tell he was trying his best for me not to see his emotional tearing up. But at the same time I felt like he was also trying to let it be known that he was upset. He told me "We'll talk again later"... the more I tried to get him to open up the more he said that.

Since that day I've never been able to get him to open up, sure, he shares his feels towards me... But never has he ever explained his sudden crying in the past. For a woman getting a man to emotionally open up is like pulling teeth these days, but it's all worth it in the end.

[MissGeorgia]

Anyone who cares about her man will listen to everything he says.
We want you to tell us.
Connection is not made by a person being perfect, it's made through vulnerability.
You cannot be close to someone you know nothing about.

[Justneedtokno]

Well written, but a few things are off I think the friend zone works in both ways vulnerability works in both ways

[MecheD]

Well written my guy definitely has some validity in this. You’ve showcased strength whether this pertains to you or someone you know. Keep it up.

[The_Sal]

it's all good but then over time she'll want a rough neck manly man that shows no vulnerability. it's in their psyche, embedded in their brains. attraction to storing barbaric cavemen is too strong 🤷‍♀️

[Juxtapose]

Yep, that's the life of us men. There's a REASON why we keep shit to ourselves.. and why we talk to women differently.

[joeblow123]

That is why I don't care about women. When I hear about a rapist at large or rapists at large (male on female rape) I LMFAO.

[b5fan]

Yes. Women do not want vulnerable men. They are looking for vulnerability theater not the real thing.

[MsLivy]

Starting off by saying then it is a real issue that men dont get the support they need but there's 2 main reasons for it that need to change.

men need to be honest about their feelings and understand why its effecting them and in what way, simple gestures of support from men to men goes along way in highlighting and validating real issues and talking about It in a healthy manner.

I know it's not a Male only trait but I'm going from experience, past issues do not excuse shitty behavior or remove accountability for your actions, its not an insult to seek help but using it to be resentful or cruel whether you mean to or not isn't acceptable and does create a barrier.

Personal responsibility plays a big part in mental health and coping healthily, while you can have passengers telling you where to go and how, you have to make the effort to get their yourself.

[malik_yashvardhan]

Wow. Nice MyTake.

[Anonymous]

That's because the Jews created feminism and destroyed everything. Hitler was right about Zionism.