Guy's Behavior

Hello setbacks my old friend... I've come to wallow with you again!

I guess I'll start this off with - I hate that I'm writing this but I'm feeling pretty apathetic & numb to everything at the moment... not in a depressing & sad way just more so in a lacklustre & defeatist kind of way.

Well how predictable, I've written a few myTakes on this site before that are pretty much diary posts masquerading (which this one is probably going to end up being the same) which is funny because I have such little to no presence on this site so it doesn't really make much sense to write this or even post here considering it will be lost in the void of questions/polls/mytakes/whatever (but maybe that's what I want, to be forever a adrift in obscurity... it certainly seems like it)

the further we stray the more we see how lost we truly are
the further we stray the more we see how lost we truly are

This is going to sound a little underachieving for me but many years ago when I 1st made an account on here and posted questions about whatever woes I was going through at the time which was struggling to attract some girl(s) I was interested in, friend drama as well as other uncertainties, appearance insecurities and sprinkle in a few troll posts (sometimes done anonymously) and that pretty much summarizes my contribution here, but mainly I was hoping to find some kind of solution and answers to these everyday problems (that feel pretty mundane & petty to me at this point)... BUT I NEVER DID.

I was hoping that I was going to crack the code, become something greater than what I was, like finally start having a successful & fulfilling dating/sex life, find an audience and momentum as an artist & musician, get in shape and develop a personal style that I was proud of and others would be fond of (to attract the women I was interested in), as well as find independence and start paying back those who helped me the most when I struggled (mainly my parents and a few friends)... BUT I HAVEN'T DONE THAT.

Don't get me wrong - I've grown. BUT if I go back and look at my questions even the ones when I 1st joined here, I'm still having those same problems just slightly different/with different people & situations and I find that so maddening and frustrating to the point where I just feel disinterested & numb to almost everything. I can't tell if I'm being too hard on myself, if I'm expecting too much (or accepting too little) or if I need some kind of medication, therapy or both so I can start thriving instead of living like a Peter Pan, a overgrown man child.

I'm going to paraphrase an excerpt from the clip above (if you don't want to watch the video and/or if you dislike JP)

"When you are 25 you can be an idiot, it's no problem. Even when you're out on a job search, it's like well, you don't have any experience and you are kind of clueless but you're young, it's no problem. That's what young people are like, they are full of potential... okay well now you are the same person at 30... it's like people aren't that thrilled about you at that point, what the hell have you been doing for the last 10 years? - Well I'm just as clueless as I was when I was 22 - well you are not 22, you are an old infant"

I am the old infant... I remember seeing the original video of that years ago when I was 26 or 27 and thinking "omg, I need to do something to change my circumstances" and knowing me I probably got a anxious and flustered about making a change and then probably did nothing but binge watch some YouTube videos or something... The problem is, I already was an old infant back then and I lacked the skillset & guidance to change my current circumstances and I still struggle with those same problems.

The issue now isn't the accumulated problems - it's time and how long it takes to grow and make changes (as well as my loss of enthusiasm) and if it's possible to even make significant changes.

I look at my rate of progression and it's either average or slow (depending on who's rating it) which makes it hilarious and asinine to me that I have ambitious goals (but those might just be niche ideas for mental masturbation)... either way I find myself asking - how am I suppose to succeed when am I already behind?

I don't expect things to get worse, I know they will... this is going to sound nihilistic & dark but we are all destine for tragedy, everyone you know & love will die and so will you someday and everything that happens between now & then will have elements of good & bad, ups & downs, comedy & tragedy.

The setbacks... but 1st the build up

Since the beginning of the Pandemic I looked at it as an opportunity to focus on the things I care about with zero guilt for the things I lack. It was easy to do with all the uncertainties in the world, I no longer felt embarrassed about all my shortcomings... so I started recording songs and created a demo for a 10 song album, I started rollerblading/skateboarding again, I lost 30 pounds, I went on some dates with a beautiful brunette (she's actually taller than me but I like that) and I was teaching her how to skateboard, and I started working out and running 5 km everyday, I created a new musical project with a few people and writing songs for that project... I started really trying and putting in effort for things that mean something to me so maybe I could finally make it over the hump to the other side.

I felt like I was running a marathon, but in actuality I probably was just running aimlessly.

As selfish as this sounds, 2020 wasn't that bad for me, it was an opportunity to rebuild and I did, I started off the year lost and flat-footed and ended it with momentum with a bunch of personal accomplishments, but just like there's a rise... there's a fall.

2021 started off pretty isolating (because during the 2020/2021 winter we had a lockdown where I am so I wasn't meeting up with my current bandmate because of it) it was dull but I was very serious about practicing music & exercising. The only real negative aspect was watching my dog suffer from an incurable illness which eventually took his life in late March, he was just a few months shy of being 15... My family & I miss him.

RIP 🥀
RIP 🥀

Besides that - things were pretty good.

When the spring came along and restrictions loosened, my bandmate & I started meeting up again, we finished a bunch of songs and when the summer began and we played our 1st show (and my 1st live performance in 2 years).

I also started skating with the brunette again...

Quick back story on her, she was the ex of a friend mine who I am no longer friends with anymore because he is an abusive addict (we both felt burnt by him) the problem with that is I felt weird for meeting up with her, it felt like it was betrayal which is funny because he had no issues with betraying & abusing me as well as her and many more (my old questions show I'm no stranger to these types of situations unfortunately).

In my head I like to think there was potential or something there but I know there wasn't, she just felt comfortable opening up to me & viewed me as somebody who is safe and I just wanted someone to hang around with to make me feel less lonely.

her with my skateboard in hand
her with my skateboard in hand

The fall...

Towards the end of the summer and through September I felt burnt out, I felt like I was running on fumes and just pushing myself for the sake of pushing myself.

At the beginning of October it all caught up with me.

My grandmother died the night before her 97th birthday, my family had been anticipating this for weeks since she had a stroke a month prior and she had been bed ridden since. I didn't have the strongest connection with her, I mainly just wanted to be there for my dad when the time would come to see the rest our estranged family BUT that wasn't meant to be apparently.

I got pneumonia on her birthday (didn't know it at the time) everyone was worried that I might have gotten covid but it might as well have been considering they are both lung infections & the lengthy recovery time. So I was too sick to accompany my father on the trip out of town for the funeral and obviously too sick to maintain my daily 5km run streak - I was 3 weeks shy of the 1 year mark - I really wanted to accomplish that goal but I fell apart at the finish line.

And with all that happening my unemployment insurance ran out which just added to the uneasiness and rising tensions.


So here I am feeling paranoid to do my daily runs because that's what gave me pneumonia (running outside everyday with no off days) and because of being sick for an entire month plus I've gained back half the weight I lost (so maybe like 15lbs or more), I just saw a snapchat story of the brunette on date with some guy (why am I never good enough for the women I'm interested in?), I need to find a job asap before my bank account reaches zero and I have no idea what I'm doing or how to make a proper artistic push in today's current musical landscape and the fact I'm practically a senior citizen in the music scenes I'm into... oh and my insomnia is back.

I feel like all these things are weak & insignificant in the grand scheme of life but the inability to maintain substantial change and find fulfilment is agonizing. I feel autistic, I feel incompetent, I try to find compromises but they don't exist, like I'm destine to do this forever.

This is going to sound lame, but years ago shortly after making my account here, I envision myself logging in and writing a few posts or maybe just one gigantic one about overcoming these problems, issues and setbacks, give some useful insight on what others could do to achieve the same and just never come back here.

BUT no, here I am at 3 am writing this pathetic dribble complaining about the human experience when I should be grateful for the things I had/have and what I've accomplished but that's not enough and I'm not sure I'm capable of finding what is.

*So it's the next day, I didn't want to abruptly post this at 3 or 4 in the morning without an attempt of conclusion*

I had dream last night that I vaguely remember, my dreams are always hazy & leave me disoriented and usually I forget them immediately but this one was different. Throughout the dream I was being chased or just running away from something, climbing buildings, crawling through crawl spaces, there was a decent amount of different places I ended up. At some point I realize I was being pursued by an ex-coworker from my last job that I had falling-out with (he accused me of damaging company goods, it's a long story) anyway, I came across him and someone else in this cellar or basement of an old building, they were looking for me. I was going to try to sneak out or rush them but then I saw my dog, my focus changed and I ran over to get him & get out of there... and then I woke up.

I don't really know what the purpose to that is (most likely because there isn't any) but I felt like the dream was symbolic for how I've been feeling lately - trapped and running aimlessly.

Everything I do just feels like a continuation of more of the same, I have these tendency of trying to find meaning in things that are meaningless but maybe that's what gives the meaningless meaning (or I'm just trying to rationalize insanity).

So if you can find meaning in this than kudos to you... I got somethings I need try to figure out in meantime.

Thanks for reading

Hello setbacks my old friend... Ive come to wallow with you again!
Hello setbacks my old friend... I've come to wallow with you again!
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