My boyfriend says things that hurt me?

Question

So, my boyfriend is very clear about his physical preferences about women and they represent someone who is completely my opposite: blonde, blue eyes, tall, etc. I resigned myself to the idea that I'm completely not his type... it's okay, he loves me. But it just gets to me whenever he makes comments about this.

 He's always so sincere... one time he told me that I looked disproportionate (my hips/ass is bigger than my breasts), he often jokes about my small breasts and points out my flaws, like it's nothing, while talking (some of them I didn't even know before I met him and made me really insecure). 
Sometimes he would make comments about girls, like saying my friend X is cute or good-looking or compliment someone about her hair or something like that. One night we were out with my friends, he turned to me and said "Sarah looks really good tonight". One other night we were hanging out and, while we were talking, I don't remember why, I ended up saying "beautiful girls", he answered me that when I said that someone showed up to say hi (meaning he got turned on).

I never do this kind of things, give him negative comments about his looks or positive comments about his friends' looks. I think it's very disrespectful and hurting, he sounds insensitive when he does it, like he doesn't understand that it could possibly hurt me.

Am I overreacting? Do you do the same as my boyfriend with your partner?

messijessi · Accepted Answer

You aren't overreacting and your relationship isn't really all that normal, unless you're asking other girls who date narcissists. It seems to me like he's the one with internal problems and to make himself seem or feel better, he puts you down. The reason he puts you down, is because he's still a social guy and doing that to friends, people who aren't secured to him (such as being his partner --girlfriend in this case), would cause them to leave, whereas with you he feels like you can't leave. In all honesty, these type of guys are not worth the hassle. Either show him, hey cut the crap or else, or drop him. If you do drop him, make sure to put on a tough face because any sign of weakness will make him target you and he may somehow convince you back into his hold on you. Also be aware, guys like these, when they feel they're about to lose something important, they will flip the card and play the nice, sweet guy role they did in the beginning. Trust me, this isn't because he's suddenly changed. Once he thinks you're "back" he'll just act like the previous jerk he was. If you're dead set on being with him, just make sure he knows you won't tolerate his crap. Put on a "don't screw with me" facade if you have too. Typically this behavior is also a show of lack of respect so make yourself seem like you have a high respect for yourself and anything he does/says doesn't change that.

Paris13 · Accepted Answer

I don't know how long you have been together but if you Continue to Stand for this rude and crude, disrespectful behavior, you will Always be Stooping to whatever poop he decides to throw your way, sweetie, and Compliments is not in his bag of bad jokes and ill behavior.
He is Not accepting you Unconditionally and with his High opinions that are less to be desired in my book of baby names, this Schmo has to got to go or you will be going down nothing but a beaten path and in the End----It's War of the Roses, you not coming out to smell like one.
He has no respect for your Nor your feelings... bottom line, he doesn't care. He thinks of you as this Robot Rebecca who listens to everything he says, every rude remark he makes and deep down even Expects you to Change for him. However, no matter what you do be even be this Ms. Perfect tomorrow, he will never be happy with anything because he will always Want more down the rough road.
You deserve better than this crooked con who for some reason sticks around, in my book, just to add Insult to Injury and make you his scapegoat.
Good luck. xx

Pallid · Accepted Answer

By no means are you overreacting. Dear, if he truly loved you, he would never bring you down in such a low manner. Love is not about the flaws and just the fact that he continues on pointing all of them out already tells you how recklessly involved he is with you. I can hear from your speech that you possess strong feelings towards him and that you brush off these comments even though deep down it gets to you. And I know it'll be even harder to leave someone like that, but if he doesn't change, that's what you'll need to do.

This isn't normal. So please, sit down with him and let him know how you feel because unfortunately guys can't read minds. You need to pour your heart out and tell him every single thing he does that makes you feel like you're not worthy. If he truly loves you, he will apologize. Not only that, but he will once and for all stop with all the negative and diminishing comments. Now if he doesn't change, you need to move on. You CANNOT settle down for less than you deserve.

sammy_31 · Accepted Answer

What a low life douche! Instead of appreciating having a beautiful girl, he makes her question everything about herself. Get him out of your life, he does NOT love you because he is clearly hurting you for his pleasure. He is probably insecure and doing it to you since you're an easy target for him. I would NOT deal with that crap, we women already are put down for many reasons we don't need anymore aholes making it worse. Dump the ahole! I'm sorry if I make him sound like he is a mega douche but you didn't describe him otherwise. Seriously dump his ass and find a REAL MAN who will appreciate EVERYTHING about you. Good luck honey.

KBMC1 · Accepted Answer

my boyfriend is very clear about his physical preferences about women and they represent someone who is completely my opposite: blonde, blue eyes, tall, etc. -> that`s just so wrong, why be with someone if it doesn`t even match up what he so much desires in a woman`s physiek... and always shoving it right under your very nose is just a cruel and unrespectful thing to do...

one time he told me that I looked disproportionate (my hips/ass is bigger than my breasts), -> my opinion? It`s more a turn on, because there are some pretty models who have all down below, but rather minimized up there in the front, so what? You can`t have everything right, everything in perfect preportion? How about women who don`t seem to have neither on both ends and do that make them less feminin? everybody has a different preference, but don`t it ever let it ruin or influence the relationship you are in, because it is all superficial and just details... for example once I did had a woman that furfilled all my fantasies concerning physiek, but that was becoming my ownly focus point when we met and went out... while a girl with less here's and there's I could respect even more and focused more on her inner qualities and beauty instead ;-) it`s all in the mind

Phantom-menace · Accepted Answer

The guy is not worthy of your time, I feel sorry for you that he treating like that. Don't allow it, dump him, he needs to learn respect. Go and find someone that respects you. Don't allow negative people in your life, they are emotionally draining.

Whatever your boyfriend says about you, it is his problem, and not yours. This type of guy is what call a leveler, he will either shoot you down, to make you feel bad, to bring you down to his level. Or he will big himself up, and make himself sound better than you. These type of people have major insecurity issues, they are missing something their lives, and they make up for it, by bringing you down. Its a very unhealthy relationship to be with someone like this. friendship etc.

A insecure man, is a dangerous man to a women, and you young lady, are experiencing an insecure man.

jaycee360 · Answer

No dearest (for the lack of name), you are not overreacting. What he should do is learn to accept you as who you are: to love, care and respect you. He should also realise that nothing is perfect out there and he should see the perfect in the imperfections in you. I made the mistake of complimenting my ex's friends. I know how much that hurt her and it didn't do well in sustaining any feels of security with her. I was an a**, and I admit that it hit directly with her self image and self esteem. But you should let him realise the damage he's doing. You should voice your concerns. Don't let this a** continue on with this disrespectful behavior. If he doesn't get it after a decent conversation, the next time he makes a stupid comment on another woman tell him that he's better off dating her, or better yet put him on the spot and ask that girl to come over for a little talk. If he was doesn't follow through with his comments then he shouldn't be making them in the first place. Hope this helps.

EtherBot · Answer

wooookay. So most others say something along the lines of "HE IS NOTHING BUT AN ABUSIVE ASSHOLE." For one, no abuse can not be unintentional. And for two, I cannot stress enough TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.

Don't just write on a forum and get stuck with a stranger's (A stranger who only knows about 3 paragrphs of information, mind you) Opinion.

If you have a problem with your partner. Talk to them about it. (If it's not petty) They will usually at least TRY to change. And if they don't THEN I would consider breaking up with them.

I had my girlfriend break up with me about 2 years back, for more or less the same reason. But I didn't even know she had a problem with that. She had never said ANYTHING to make me think it did. So when I didn't stop she left me.

Your not overreacting, but please, if you have a problem with your partner, address it with them first.

IbbyNeedsHelp · Answer

My ex was like that. Dump him. He'll only end up hurting you more.

My ex liked bigger girls and ones with bright fun make up. I was never like that. I am chubby but I worked out a lot at the gym to get better. He'd try to push me out of working out and would try to fill me to the brim of food. And he'd wipe off my make up if it was dark and grab my eye shadow out of my bag and make it bright colored. He did a bad job either way :P.

I dumped him when he ended up not talking to me for days on end.

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like he's immature, and trying to get a reaction out of you or get your attention, but also to beat you down for self satisfaction. I agree with what others have said DUMP HIM, I think it'll only get worse the closer you get, and then it'll be even harder to break up because he's beat you down so much.

These are traits of a negative person. I dated one who took all that I gave, and gave, and gave, and still found ways to insult me, or act as if I didn't exist. Up until I got so angry/frustrated I lashed out [mind you the few nasty things I said didn't come close to her abuse and verbal insults, but she felt perfectly fine walking away like I was nothing].

You need to get away before you lose yourself, negative people have a way of twisting normal people into a bad toxic version of yourself.

DoriantheArtisan · Answer

What is there to add. You got yourself an asshole. He doesn't love you so don't even try to justify his behavior, stop playing dumb and send his ass away. Who wants to be with someone that puts you down and doesn't respect you? That shit is so unattractive urghh. If a girl belittles me like that I'd just leave and never come back.

Gemstone2411 · Answer

This is a fine example of an abusive relationship.

If he says things that he knows that hurts you, he is being vindictive and an asshole.

I was once in a abusive relationship. He always picked out flaws about my looks but then when I do change that part of myself, he still found errors. For example; he said I should start wearing black eyeliner (I only wear little to no make-up) and when I did wear black eyeliner he called me a whore because "girls who wear make up look like prostitutes".

Get yourself out of that trap before it's too late. You want a lad that will make you feel good about yourself, not one who makes you feel imperfect.

jammasterjay · Answer

Whoa! This guy sounds like a bit of an asshole! If you're a decent person you can accept that people come in all shapes and sizes and everybody is definitely attractive in their own way. I bet you're beautiful! He may be playing mind games with you, knocking you and bringing your self esteem down so he owns you and you feel like you can't do any better than him. If this is how he's behaving you definitely can, you should feel valued in a relationship. A good boyfriend wants his girlfriend to be happy and he supports her through life. If you love him it's going to be hard to see this, as they say, love is blind.

alliknowisthatidont · Answer

You are not overreacting his actions are completely foul and hurtful. It's one thing to think other people are attractive, we are all human I get it, but it's another to openly talk about getting turned on by other women. Not to mention talking about your friends is beyond disrespectful, people on tv and movies aren't 'real' people. When you talk about someone in real life that's just wrong. He's messing with your head and creating insecurities that you don't need. I don't know how you've dealt with it thus far. If he finds those types of woman attractive that's just fine tell him to go get one. If I were you I'd dump him before you lose whatever self esteem you have left. He sounds like a pig.

Lexxy666 · Answer

Wow one of my ex's used to point out and be like oh that girls hot, and I used to be so jealous so once I said to one of his friends "Wow your looking hot" at the beach and I saw my ex his face was all red and he never said anything like that ever again, I don't know why but it sounds like he's so insensitive and I love how your trying not to hurt him, the exact stuff girls do yet guys are so careless, he obviously doesn't deserve you. One thing you should do is talk to him about make it casual so he realizes it. Sometimes guys act like little kids and tend to point out your flaws. Or what about you try those breast enlarging exercises, but I personally think you shouldn't be changing yourself for someone who does something like that. I know my answer doesn't make sense but hope I helped.

VulcanHades · Answer

Yeah I don't think he says those things to hurt you on purpose. But he seems completely unaware that those comments might make you feel insecure and bad about yourself. You should confront him about it and tell him to stop because of how it makes you feel. If he continues, dump him he's a jerk and has no respect for you. If he really loves you he will understand, apologize and stop doing it.

He's too honest for his own good. I mean it's perfectly normal if our gf doesn't have our ideal body type, face or our prefered hair/eye color. Everyone has ideals of beauty but nobody is perfect. So it's no reason to constantly remind our S. O. that they aren't exactly a perfect 10.

sunshine_2300 · Answer

This guy does not deserve you at all no its not normal. When I was dating a guy he totally wasn't my type and it made me feel a bit insecure but never did I tell him I didn't like certain things about him. He even had long hair and asked what I thought about it and even if I cldnt stand it I told him it was how he felt about it and I would like him no matter what and I did. Eventually he cut his hair on his own because he felt it was better and even dressed the way he felt I wld like him more. What I'm saying is he made his own choices because it made him feel good i never compared him to anybody b4 but he knee my past bfs and so he did some editing. So never cont to let a guy tell u what they dnt like about u if they truly care about u they will like u just as u r. Him comparing or making remakes about other girls is completely disrespectful. . make it known to him

coquettish · Answer

I'm really sorry to what you have to deal with, one word to describe your boyfriend and that is a jerk.
A boyfriend should be always honest with his girlfriend, true. But not to the point where he points out her flaws and disrespect her.
I mean who goes out with his girlfriend and tells her that HER friend looks really good tonight instead of telling the GIRLFRIEND herself that she's looking good?
I don't think you can see it, dear. But he clearly does NOT love you. If he did, he wouldn't have done ALL of the things you've mentioned.
I advise you to talk about it with him, see how thing goes. And if nothing worked out then don't hesitate and BREAK UP IMMEDIATELY.
He is not worth it.
Good luck.♥x

Gicelle · Answer

You are not overreacting... a boyfriend should be the person who makes you feel beautiful as hell, not... not good enough. He sounds either manipulative (like maybe he says those things because he wants you to get jealous), or insecure (sometimes people put other's down to bring themselves up). this sounds unhealthy because if you're around this too much, you might start to actually believe that you're not good enough. I think he needs to either cut it out or you should end it. :/ He needs to learn how to treat a woman, and you deserve a guy who makes you feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

Arguydo · Answer

I think sometimes I do or I used to do similar things to my girlfriend, but not with bad intentions, just trying to be honest with her, forgetting that more often I point bad things on her than positive things. I believe I changed a lot, but helps if the other side (her or you) come to the boy and say the things that you don't like on him, in a good way, like a relax conversation, but show him how down you get when he tells you that bad things. And if he really likes you, soon he will change his behaviour.

Scorpiox · Answer

Talk to him about it. I've been in your place and I'd take it as a joke and some guys joke like that and want a girl strong enough to handle his humor.
If he is being honest then respect his honesty cause no one would be that honest about their opinion like that when they know it's going to hurt you.
It shows how comfortable he is with you.
Also the checking out other girls, he might be doing that to make you jealous (trust me I would know)

Observe his actions, see if everything else he does weighs out. like if everything else is great and he shows how much he loves you then maybe he is joking and you should adapt to his humor.
However, if he is showing you negative signs pointing out he doesn't respect you then reconsider what you have with him.

Also do not feel insecure, that only makes it worse.
Try replying with something like "Yah my ass is big I know you like it" or "Fine no touching my boobs anymore"
Be confident, love yourself so others can love you :)

hina_hanta · Answer

I think you should confront him about this. Like, sit and talk calmly about it. Make him aware (using assertiveness, not aggression) that you feel hurt by some of his comments about your body. If he realizes then stops, then it will be settled. If it doesn't work and he just turns to the manipulation/"poor me" routine AND/OR continues his behavior, you might want to think about trying to find someone better. Who knows? He may change his attitude. I hope this helps, and believe me, I feel you should say something. You don't deserve the way he's treating you.
Take care :)

TheYellowBear · Answer

This is a form of emotional abuse.

Your boyfriend doesn't love you because if you love someone you don't constantly put them down, you don't destroy their confidence and shatter their self esteem.

You respect them, you accept their flaws and you treat them like they're the other half of you.

oddsonchances · Answer

He is being very cruel , start making comments about guys you find attractive and I bet his response will be totally different. Tell him that if it doesn't stop you will dump him and stick to your guns. Find a guy who treats you right and with respect you l

EllaC · Answer

It's disrespectful and no one should put up with this. Are you sure he loves you and is not after something else only? Talk to him about it. If you feel like you can't, then this relationship is already doomed one way or another (meaning you'll break up eventually or be unhappy).

normaltypeofgirl · Answer

I really think that he's a big jerk... Because.. Come on it's so obvious.. Mocking you, and turned on with other girls... It's just disrespectful and unbelievable for a boyfriend treat his girlfriend like shit! ( no offence but it's true ) .. I mean.. Do you think that he loves you? No.. If he loves you then he would not do such disrespectful things on you... Tell him how you feel about it ! If he doesn't understand.. Then break up with him !

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