Why are guys so emotionally unavailable? (Page 2)
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You should read this article…
www.psychologytoday.com/.../the-crying-game
It explains it pretty well.
I also think that most guys need to really trust and feel comfortable around someone to be able to express their feelings to them. I think this is a big part of it because I am a girl and I still hate people seeing me cry cause I don't want them to think that I am weak. The only person I feel comfortable enough to cry in front of is my little brother. So, maybe he just needs some more time to feel completely close with you, then he can talk about deeper things without feeling ashamed of himself.
I do like though when a guy can open up to you because it is so rare to see, so when it does happen, it makes you feel like you are really important to him. There is a deeper level of trust and understanding.
Totally agreed. I'm the same way, which is why I keep stressing the fact that it's not about crying and the such. More about being able to communicate what you're feeling. I do get that it's a comfort thing. That goes for everyone. Thanks for the article!
For me, it's not because of an illusion of manliness, or fear of judgment, or anything of the sort.
On some level, you just have to accept that we don't deal with problems the same way you ladies do. Different chemistry, different hormones. It's been my experience in relationships that things that really bother my partner don't phase me in the same way, whether it's rude people at the store, a fight with a friend, or something else.
I do accept it. I know men and women are wired differently. 9 times out of 10 I don't press the issue. In this case, there was clearly something wrong and it was ongoing. Even still, I only asked about it once and then left it alone. It became a problem when he was able to spill his guts to a female coworker. And when confronted, he called me nosey bitch. Real nice way to treat the person you've been in a relationship with for a year and a half.
It’s not true for either sex to say “most.” Perhaps you are attracting men not emotionally available, which generally means you are putting that aura out there that you might be available as well. Dig a little deeper and ask yourself what you really and truly want in a man and stick to those things by praying and repeating it often and you will change the energy of what you are attracting.
Thank you for your insight. I actually have done that ironically. I sat and thought maybe it's me. But it's a common factor. And not just in the men that I'm involved with romantically, but friends too.
I have never been able to trust a girl with my emotions because of how immature they all were with me growing up... the first girl i dated who was 27 told me she was not like that and i placed my trust in her for the first time and opened up... later for her only to tell me she didn't want to lead me on and she completely broke me. Now I find im very cold with dates and can't fall in love anymore...
Well that certainly is unfortunate, but understandable. I've been there. I AM there right now in fact.
Well most guys will show their feelings to the one who they love. But that does not come in the way a girl show it. Like a guy will not always make special cards or write how much he love you, or keep on hugging u infront of your friends etc. (I had a girl who broke up with me for lack of public desplays) so if you try to measure it in that way you will be disappointed. But a guy will let you feel. You will see and feel it on a date or anywhere that you 2 are alone.
I don't need a guy to do all that. It would be a sweet surprise if he did, but it's not necessary. He does need to be able to communicate how he feels tho.
Well yeah true. Like I said with the girl he wants to commit he will. At least most guys will. Some are very silent type.
Lol yea. Guys are just as confusing as girls are.
well not sure about other guys who are told to sheild their emotions from the wolrd but I have gone through the route of acepting my emotions. I feel joy happiness, passion, sorrow and loss just as any other human being. I know that I feel an emotion during a situation for a very valid reason but i will never let my emotions rule my actions or judgement of a situation if it can be helped.
Well that's good. I don't think anyone should let emotions rule them. And I think that not ever showing any is letting them rule you in the long run
Because showing your emotions is a weakness, especially for men. Women who claim they want this usually are not honest--with themselves!
Moreover, successful men learn to "compartmentalize", so that problems in one's personal life do not impact one's job, for example.
Compartmentalizing is not just a male thing. I do that too. And I don't need you to cry on my shoulder everyday, but I do need you to be able to communicate how youyou're feeling to me if we're in a relationship.
As males we are programmed differently from women, is it culturally or do our differences in hormones determine this.
Not forgetting on average Women are in general better communicators then Men. We do have feelings and are emotionally available but Women show more empathy than Men.
It is not deemed Manly to voice your everyday feelings, we are taught to get on with it and only Women moan.
Well I personally don't moan about anything unless it's an orgasm. And you don't need to voice your feelings, but if I ask you something you did need to be able to express yourself.
By the very same reasoning why are women so over the top with their feeling? Not disagreeing with you but can you see what I mean?
Well that could be for the same reason every guy has answered this question with the whole "that's the way our brains are wired" thing. It really depends what your definition of "over the top" is.
OK If I'm totally honest its a blend of culturally being told thats not a manly thing to do. You must admit that is evident in a lot of cultures. A fear of being vulnerable, to be honest and open up is to be truly open. However that is not to say women analyse more, for example if I have a disagreement in work I might mention it when I come home I might not however If my wife has we will be reliving the moment step by step, bless her.
Well that's how most women are. We'd rather tell you that we're in a bitchy mood bc of something that happened at work instead of having you play a guessing game as to why we're in a bad mood.
I like your way of thinking however sometimes women have a policy that us emotionally backward men should know what your thinking, with these so called subtly hints. I for one am rubbish at reading them. To be honest I would be more upset if my football team lost than anything that happens at work, sounds real cavemanish but is it really if most men think the same? Anyway you have a good out look on I have a question I have asked and am a little confused again I am not good at reading signs.
A little confused as to what you're saying at the end. Are you asking if you can ask me a question? If so then sure you can.
If you don't mind I have posted a question about my best mate who is a girl. If you go on my profile page it is asked on there. Thank you
Done
Thank you
I think it requires time that they feel ready to share feelings with you. They are not unavailable , they are just more sensitive. Growing up as a girl, we learnt how to share quickly. But they experience how to share. That is more painful in my opinion.
It does not happen often; but it does happen.
I understand and agree but if we're in a relationship I feel like constantly telling your S. O that you don't want to talk is a problem.
Yeah it really is. If he never tries, i can imagine; it bothers you. I guess it is more related with individual. There is no more gender issue. That person is not open to share and it is not really related with being a man anymore. It does take time to open up generally. ıf it never happens. you need to tell that it does not work for you.
It's not just him tho. I watch and listen and see how my guy friends are too. I get why it's easy for them to be that way. It still doesn't make it ok.
It is about him; not being a man. Have you ever talked to him about it? What he says?
Some guys do show emotion in different ways a touch a smile may not seem much to you but it is for them some tease or are really playful show there love (or if they are really mean about it they just don't liKe u)
Men may convert emotions into other emotions example vulnerability sadness into anger
Lol I'm not mean. I just want the guy I'm in a relationship with to be able to express himself and communicate his feelings to me.
It's not that I as a man am emotionally unavailable, it's just that my emotional availability is prorated. Not every one is going to get the priveledges that come with my emotional availability. It's worth more than gold, so I am sure to only allocate resources in good markets.
You might think of it as practicing good emotional economics and frugality. Sort of like being on an emotional budget.
Lol I mean that makes sense.
emotions yes we have them and we stuff them so that we do not look weak to others so that every thing looks under contol and were kings of our pride. its pride that makes us do this and its destructive. all guys do it some of us just learn to look past the lie we keep telling our selves
I'm glad someone finally mentioned pride because it's a huge factor in all of this.
It get girls frustrated. It makes them want guys to not be like that, and so the girls think they can tame guys by getting in a relationship with them. So guys learn to be unavailable so girls will want them. IF guys are exactly what girls want without being in a relationship, the girl thinks its ok to just stay friends.
Well I meant after they're already in the relationship. And I don't go into relationships wanting to tame a guy. Or change him. But I do want him to be able to communicate how he feels and be aware of my feelings as well.
Controversial to the popular belief, we guys are just as complicated as girls! However, I find that the average guy is only 'emotionally available' to people he is comfortable with. I personally wouldn't share my deeper feeling and thoughts with a person I wasn't connected to. If you want a guy to open up to you, then get to know him. Take him out, hang out with him, share your thoughts. Don't be a stalker, though. Be a genuine friend.
Well I would like to think that if we're in a relationship that he's comfortable. I was in a relationship that lasted for 5 years and he had issues with expressing himself and his feelings so...
Perhaps he just isn't interested in sharing his feelings. If that is the case, I would try to make him interested. Like I said, share your feelings. Ask him questions, and engage him in conversation. Hopefully, he'll become interested and open up to you. I wish you the best of luck!
Thank you for that!
I'm a hyper-sensitive overgrown baby with delicate feather like feelings. It's in my nature, born a pacifist with a soft tofu heart.
But being natured in this world, I actually turned violent after 21 years and lost my tenderness, my true nature. It's so sad, but I lost myself and turn into something else that society wants me to be, a "manly man with a masculine and tough disposition".
*nurtured
Lol well hopefully you can gain some of it back.
Yeah, I really hope too. Lol.
Well, in this world, one has got to adapt to survive I guess. Losing myself is pretty sad, but it ain't a choice I have.
I dont think only guys do this. a lot of woman do it too. I mean think about it. Guys have feelings aswell, guys get hurt to, guys put up walls also, just like girls Have you ever been hurt? and met a new guy and havnt shown your feelings the same way? well i know ihave. Everytime a guy hurts me i build my walls higher and i show less and less emotions, because i think showing 100% emotions when things aren't so serious yet ends up with heartbreak, its easier not to get hurt.
I'm talking about when they are serious. If you can't express yourself to me and we are in a serious relationship then that's a problem. I don't feel like I'm wrong for feeling that way.
Well than that is differerent, maybe there is other factors that are playing roles here, better to ask straight out and dont go analyzing.
Because when they do "open up" emotionally, the girl runs away.
Girls run away. Women don't. At least I don't.
nice response QA!
Exactly.. I'm drawn toward a man who is not only confident with a slight of arrogance but when in the right setting can express emotion. Feelings are huge with me. There is a difference between a person acting emotionally babyish and expressively strong.
Exactly. Nobody is saying that you have to walk around with your heart on your sleeve, but you need to be able to express yourself with me. And there is definitely a difference.
I can definitely understand running away from emotional crybabies, but the thing is, that's what guys now think of when they hear "emotional" nowadays and they steer far away from that image. Anything that seems like he'll be viewed that way ends up being "that guy" who meets a girl and just pours out all these tears and all that. There's plenty of legitimate situations where a guy is genuinely down and now cannot express anything to the girl because he knows she'll be unable to handle the burden. He'd rather keep her and let it slide and understand she's not able to handle it and get a therapist instead of risk losing her. Guys just accept these kinds of things.
But how does he know if she can handle it or not if he doesn't even give her a chance? He just assumes.
He doesn't really know if she can handle it, but he assume she can't because why risk it? There's so much talk about confidence that it seems natural to not want to compromise our confidence act. Even though girls like to say it's ok to show negative emotions they still admit to not liking a wuss, so how are we supposed to know where that line is? We don't know and that's why we don't risk it. You say it's ok to show sadness but when you talk about not liking a wuss then we feel like we aren't entitled to being sad, really sad. I get that getting super whiny is bad, but I think we all give women so much more leeway when is comes to crying and feeling sad and helpless.
Does that make sense? @Asker
It makes sense but not every girl is the same. I feel like if you're hurt to the point that you might crythen you should. I don't think that's being a wuss. I'm not saying you have to cry it out everytime. Or even cry in front of me. But be able to express to me why you were so upset. Society does give a lot of leeway to women but contrary to popular belief, not all women are blubbering idiots. I'm not always quick to shed tears and I can be closed off, but I'll always come back and explain what was going on. Guys don't do that.
I'd wager most guys approach their first ever crushes in quite the opposite way, with their emotions plainly on the surface. But it will almost always lead to rejection and pain so they start to hide them. Most emotionally distant guys you meet will have been conditioned to be like that because they think it's what women want.
Understandable. But women are not the only ones that do the rejecting. That works both ways. I get what you're saying. But there's always the option to go against the grain and just be open, especially if you're in a relationship.
Guys never show emotion but deep down the feel everything. Around school I've constantly been told I had the look on my face like I wanted to kill someone, but even then I could have just hooked up with a girlfriend and been the happiest man on earth, guys are basically a book with no cover at all (well most). I never just walk around with a smile on me at all but I'm never frowning either, I'm just normal blank expression, but inside I could be depressed or I could be happy.
Most women don't care about a guys emotions. Besides guys solve their problems by doing what need to be done to solve it, they don't talk about it with every single person they talk to regularly. Being emotionally available means that guys are your crutch. Unless you at a friend or we really like you we don't have time for all the problems
No. Being emotionally available means that you are able to communicate your feelings when you're in a freakin relationship.