Why do all guys when I show interest back off?

[Anonymous]

my dating life has been miserable. I ve noticed that there is a pattern...

First, guys hit on me and they think I am challenge. In the begiining I am alittle and I tease them, but I stop with that behaviour very quickly and show interest, like asking them out etc., they do it before as well.

Few years ago, I had a few dates with a guy, nothing serious happened. After the first kiss he became distant and always rejected me whn I asked him out. After few weeks silence, he contacted me agin, but I was already over it. We are friends now, and he admitted that he was really into me back then, but wasn't sure about my intentions.
I suppose he backed off to test me or because he was insecure? Guys just don't understand that with this behaviour they loose the girl.

This year: I travelled 5 h to a guy that I met on the internet. He was very keen to meet me and wrote me all the time to visit him. When I was there it seemed to go well, but I rejected his sexual advances. Well we kissed etc, but I didn't want to go further physically. He got very distanced after that. He was either insecure and felt rejected or he just wanted sex.
he didn't reply to my email and when I asked again he said he didn't like the date and he thought I felt the same... he even deleted me from fb few months ago. I had stopped any contact with him, because he told me, that he didn't want to see me. So i suppose he was just not into me?

also this years: guy with girlfriend. I made clear that I am not going to have anything with him physically. nevertheless, he textd me all the time, but I remained distanced. We also met up a few times. The last few times, i told him to stop with the writing or to meet up if he wants me. I showed signs that I was interested. What happened, he backed off.

this year on holidays: Guy was very interested in me, very touchy, but he respected me and didn't even try to kiss me, but there was heavy flirting and he toook my hands etc. In the beginning I acted a little disintersted, I didn't let him touch me too much etc, because I wanted to feel confortable before. I alswo left always so early. The last evening, he didn't want to meet me, he ignored my messages evne though I sent a few and showed him that I wanted to meet.

What am I doing wrong? most of these guys sooner or later return and text again. Am I showing them mixed signs?
Or are they simply jerks and insecure guys?

Updates

+1 y

last year same problem:

I added guy fro work on fb. He seemed very interested and texted every day. I always texted back and texted him too. He waited few weeks to ask me out, but with him and his friend in a club which I found weird. I am a shy person and went to the club last minute. He asked with me not even 2 min, he smiled and leaned forward and I smiled back. Then he went away and asked the whole time with a girl. I didn't go to him agin. He stopped contacting me.

Updates

+1 y

Later he told me that he thought that I was playing games, because I didn't go to him again. wtf? I felt rejected because he was talking to another girl all the time and I didn't go to him for that reason.

are these guys insecure people who need girls that show very clear signs?
Do I send them mixed signals? I am shy myself and sometimes insecure, but I seem to attract guys that are also insecure and shy?

[Anonymous]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm guessing it's the sex thing. Personally, I don't understand why guys figure they automatically should have sex just because they spend 10 minutes talking with a girl. I've heard too many times from guys that they figure if they take a girl out, pay for the dinner, movie, the entertainment, etc, they're "owed" something back - specifically time in bed with THAT girl! And if she doesn't give him that, there's something supposedly wrong with the girl.

It's not your fault at all!!! Please don't think that, and not all guys think that way either. But in this social networking time we live in, it seems that sex is so freely swapped it's virtually expected on both sides. When a girl - like you - wants to take her time to know someone before doing that, I think a lot of guys your age don't like waiting and taking their time to get to know you and letting you set the pace.

I think you haven't met the guy with enough patience to understand your personality and get to know you as YOU first. You sound llike you'd prefer dating the old fashioned way where people got to know each other way long before sex came into the picture. I like that myself. But I'm a bunch older too. I don't think anything is wrong with you.

[Asker]

I can completele relate to the first paragraph. It's terrible for a girl, because we kind of feel "obligated" to have sex with that guy. I don't say that I give in easily, but I've met guys who kind of expected it. My ex took me out on dinner in the beginning, he offered drinks to the girls next to us during our date! and when we got to his, he expected to have sex! I have nothing against cuddlng and making out in the beginning, like in the first month, but many guys can't just enjoy this, but always expect more!

Yes, I prefer to establish a relationship/friendship with a guy first than to have sex from the start on. Even though many don't like to wait, many guys also don0t respect the girls who have sex early on, but they are not ready to be patient. it's a double standard!! as a girl, I dont know how to behave. If you have sex early on, the guys that I met just proceed to the next one, but if I wait, they can't wait and so on. It seems never to be the right way.

[Asker]

yes, I prefer the old fashoned way more. once you had sex with a guy, you can't change to that pre-sex mode anyway. They kind of expect it everytime you meet. I had this experience with a few guys. The do things with you etc, but sex has always to be one part in the dates. Sometimes I just feel like going out with a guy or cuddling. It puts to much pressure on me if a guy expects to have sex whenever we meet

[Opinion Owner]

There's an old saying: A guy WONDERS if he'll get lucky on any given date. A girl already KNOWS.

Please hold to your standards and preferences. I realize there's a lot of pressure on girls, but do your best to keep them/us in line. Too any of us guys let the little head do the thinking for the big head.

[Dєѕιвσу]

I like how you rejected their sexual advances and didn't became sex toy like other stupid chix do..

#Respect.

But seriously, be open to talk. It is possible that you are too beautiful and intimidate guys in some way to make them feel insecure? Is it?

[Asker]

thank you!

this might be possible. I actualyl seem very confident from the outside, but I am very shy normally. A lot of people comment on me and tell me that I am pretty. I have also a nice figure and guys on the street stare a lot at me. I am actually petite and people have commented that I look a little like kylie minogue and shakira. Like a mix. even thoug I am petite, I have long proportiante legs etc. I a not arrogant. The friend from the guy on holidays told him to stay with me that evening, because I was just amazing.

Even though people tell me that I am pretty and cute, I actually feel "ugly" and not good enough, because these rejections happen all the time to me. Being beautiful is sometimes a curse.
Do you think I might be intimidating? I have overcome my shyness and talk with guys normally, but as soon as I feel some insecurities or when they don't text back, I become insecure and I might act distanced...

[Dєѕιвσу]

I have to actually see you to know if you could possibly intimidate. But nevertheless, assuming that you are hottie, i guess it does play as curse at times. Because for many many average guys, they would feel under confident, unworthy for beautiful ladies.

But hey, cocky guys will keep approaching. They are very confident but there lies a negativity because they usually come for sex.

To attract the guy of your type, most of under confidants being shy... you need to be very friendly ONLY and ONLY towards him without showing interests in other guys.

What happens usually with beautiful chix is (especially when they are above 22's) that most guys will assume that a beautiful girl like her must be already taken. Already committed. She can't be single at her age. So most shy guys never make moves at first place lol.

Some will assume that ohh fuck she is hot! But they look at their own low bank balance and feel NO. Because they will again assume "she must be high maintenance type.

[Dєѕιвσу]

Hence again it reduces the possibilities of getting approached.
And you only face some egoistic confident guys approaching you who hope of having sex as soon as the friendship is developed. If not done, then leave you.

Am i right? Is it happening this way?

[Asker]

well i am now aware of these guys.
in the past, it was usually like that. Guys got angry when they didn't get what they wanted right away. When I was 20, I didn't really understand much about guys and my horrible ex behaved the way you described. He got very angry because I wasn't willing to have sex with him in the first 2 weeks.

the guy from the holidays also wondered why I was single, because he thought that I was pretty, nice and funny...

[Dєѕιвσу]

Ahh you will find a decent boyfriend hottie ;-)
I know it happens with most women because good guys like us are usually stupid and incompetent in attracting the girls we love for which douches rules mostly

[Asker]

it's very hard. I am not looking actively though. There is something that about me that makes them act weirdly...
I guess it's my personality as I act sometimes a bit reserved and distanced and they probably interpret it as disinterest?

[Dєѕιвσу]

Yes it is possible. Body language is much important form of communication. Miscommunication is common problem nowadays especially between opposite sexes

[far2gud4u]

I think you dont know deep down what you want to happen and you blow a little hot and cold, you worry about what is happening with them rather than just realx and take it easy...

Some people are interested and some are not... you will find a decent guy though!

[Asker]

so what should I do?
I find this hot and cold thing interesting though. I mean how am I supposed to know within a few hours or even days and weeks what I want from these guys?
Wit the first example, I really didn't know what I wanted and I wanted to give it a go. But he felt insecure about my intentions, but I still contacted hin and he backed off.

the guy from holiday showed very very clear sings, whereas I didn't. his friends even told me that I wasn't interested, but I found him very attractive. Since I left him behind 2 times because I had to go, he probably believed the same and didn't respond to my text the last evening. He expected that I would spend more time with him, but I planned to do that on the last evening. I could have kissed him etc. right from the start, but I found this hot and cold thing very interesting. I think that his friends convinced him that I wasn't interested in him. It was holidays, i dont know why he backed off? he had nothing to lose unless he was afraid?

[far2gud4u]

when you meet a guy you like it is fairly quick... i know nearly instantly if its someone i am attracted to or not!

[Asker]

I know that to, but how should I know if he feels the same? There are so many jerks out there, you can't trust anyone. I dont trust guys in general, they have to prove me somehow that they dont just want sex. I^ve met many guys who pretended to be interested and then left when they got what they wanted.

Wit the holiday example, I was attracted to him straight away, but with the other examples I was hesitant, but wanted to give it a try...

If you really like a guy, how do you behave? do you show him etc? I am not a very emotional person and need time to feel confortable around someone. But guys always interpret that as being disinterested, which is not true!!

[far2gud4u]

so dont give them sex... ?

[Asker]

i didn't have sex with any of the examples above! read it again carefully, it was not about me having sex and then getting rejected. I usually stopped the sexual advances of those guys and then they got upset. This is just the case in one of the examples.

your last commen tdoesnt really make sense with your previous one. I asked you how you show a guy if you're interested.
my post was more about, why these guys back off after I show real interest in them. I wondered if I was sending them mixed signals or doing something wrongly...

[far2gud4u]

i think because i am more of a take the reigns girl i dont need to show them, they get their chance, i get bored if they dont take it and usually send them a message like 'so u interested or not?' usually they just say yes or no. I am a forward girl though and i am very confident so if they are wasting my time i will tell them i dont like it and i am leaving them to it. they will soon either come running or just not bother. You leave too much in their courts, take control. Like I say to all girls on here, you need to respect yourself before a man will respect you so stand up for you. If a guy wants you he will come and get you. I am a vocal person who has been lucky enough her whole life to tell guys what i said above and get away with it. I know its not the way for a lot of girls, but just dont let them take the control or you will always be wondering what is going on.