How do you get into a guarded man's heart?

He's got a very tough wall up how do you get past it?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • As a man who had a very considerate woman who put up with the walls I threw at her for years, you can't. Either he will let them down after you show how patient, considerate, and sympathetic/empathetic you are, or he won't let them down out of fear of being hurt. The only reason I've ever seen people in general raise those walls is because in their personal past they've been emotionally damaged to a point where they were almost broken and they don't want to be there again. Its not fair for either one of those involved with the relationship because if both parties aren't fully invested they'll never truly know how WONDERFUL it can be when its not two SEPARATE people; when they are fully together and SHARE life experience. Just be careful, because you'll never know what will be the first to break: those walls or you.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Be gentle, don't try to argue with him about everything (let little things fly--if it won't make a difference in ten years, don't bother trying to pick a bone with him). But if you have to disagree, do so RESPECTFULLY, and don't nag him. You see it's not what you say it's HOW you say it. For example, if a guy always leaves his socks on the floor don't say "IM SICK AND TIRED IF PICKING UO YOUR DAMN SOCKS EVERYDAY! Stop leaving them all over the floor, you slob!" This alone will make him resent you, maybe not if you do it once, but if it's don't constantly. Instead, there's a more expedient approach: "honey, it really hurts me when socks are on the floor 😔 It upsets me because I like a clean home and having socks on the floor ruins it for me. So for me, can you please, please try to put them in the laundry bin after your done resting when you come home from work? Thank you babe" and follow that with a kiss on his cheek. See, no one gets mad and socks get off the floor :) just little things like this will make him see how soft you are and that he can find comfort when he's around you.

    Cook his favorite meals, make him his favorite drink--this will show him that you care about his needs

    Ask for his opinions on given topics such as morals he follows etc etc. this will show him that you care what he believes.

    When he's telling you his problems, don't cut him off, he's already stressed don't add to it! Instead, let him finish completely and then offer your opinion. Never pick someone else's side though when he's complaining about them.

    Don't force him to talk when he doesn't feel like it. You might drive him away. Let him feel comfortable coming to you when he wants to.

    Share secrets/fears, it makes people bond!

    And most of all, good luck:)

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What Guys Said 202

  • The answer is, you do that the same way you open up a guarded woman: with trust, and patience.
    A graded man doesn't want to rush things and wants to take it slowly, and step by step. He doesn't want to give his heart to someone who would enjoy smashing it to the ground. What you need to do is show him that he can trust you. You need to be honest, no matter what the situation and completely straightforward. You will also require to trust him a lot. He will need reassurances when his walls are going down. He's looking to invite you into a place where no one has been in years and years.
    Know that this man would leave you in a heartbeat if he doesn't trust you. But, once he does, his loyalty shall remain unwavering.
    With a man who takes such cautious steps, it takes a certain amount of trust, time, strength, and integrity. That's what it amounts to.
    What you do not want to do, is lie, mislead, or manipulate at any given point in time. Always remain honest and straightforward no matter what the situation is. Your trust in him, is what will cause him to trust you in the end...

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  • Patience, honesty and trust are key, I know because I am this kind of person. You're looking to breach a seemingly impregnable wall that he has put up and you're going to need to take your time to find it's weak points.

    Things that would normally pull a man into a woman's grasp will NOT work. Flirtatiousness, promiscuity, sweet words and the like mean absolutely nothing and you will be shut down with little to no effort. You want him to see you as a real person, not someone who just wants a new toy to play with and throw away at a moment's notice.

    Take time to talk to him here and there and get to know each other beyond just a face and name. Eventually, have deep conversations and find out what foundation his wall stands on. Once you find that, you can get down to a more personal, relatable level and have him see that you appreciate him for his time and who he is.

    In the end, it depends on him and whether he wants to put those walls down. You can only do so much and he needs to meet you half way. This is assuming he isn't playing you, seeking attention and all those dishonest, insulting tactics. If its what I'm thinking of, he can potentially become your most loyal and trust friend, even more so if you go take it a further, or he can devolve into the most annoying cunt you've ever seen.

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  • For a serious answer, you need a lot of patience and tender attention. Do not expect him to let you in his walls right away. If anything, just keep talking to him normally until you find an opportunity or he opens up. Eventually you will find a time where you can spend it with him alone somewhere. Try parks, mountains and lakes. Go hiking if you can, for a walk in the park or beach. It'll just take time

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    • Also pay close attention to the little details that seem to make him open up little by little. Sometimes they're very subtle, but can make him feel more than he would ever care to admit.

  • You just try to be the one to give his heart a break. That's the reason why his heart would be guarded in y he first place, because he is afraid to love, and is afraid of getting hurt... And it's tough... But with enough time and enough effort you can change his mind...

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  • Gain his trust so that he feels comfortable around you. Show him that you're someone he can rely on when he needs it, and let him have his space when he needs it.

    There's also 2 shortcuts into a man's heart: food and sex.

    If you do all of these things right and he still doesn't let you in, then he either doesn't like you, or he's got some psychological issues. That or he's a unicorn 🦄

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    • I agree , trust of a guarded man may take a bit longer than other guys but it's typically worth it

  • The best advice I can give is this: patients.
    Just be patient and he will talk. Don't force him because he will just back away, guys don't talk under force, you have to let them do it first.
    It will help if you gain his trust and not break it. He will feel more secure if he knows that he can trust you and you are not going to tell your friends things that he has confided in you.
    Again, patients is key to a guarded guy.

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  • Just spend time with him and make sure he knows that you're emotionally available to him. Eventually you'll develop a bond and he'll probably -- and slowly -- open up.

    Side note: only do you this if you're having fun and your needs are being met, too. It's not worth solving someone else's puzzle if you're not getting anything out of it.

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  • speaking as a man who is guarded the best way is to show him your genuine. be honest with him and show him you really care. men who are guarded don't trust easy, so sweet nothing's don't mean anything. in this case actions speak louder than words can. so you must show him that he can trust you

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  • Play like your a six year old would play. Play keep away and invade on personal possessions in a fun light way it does not really matter what you do. He should follow suit and before he knows it he'll be chasing you and having fun.

    If there is ever a lull in the playing try not to feel awkward and just embrace the quite tension with a smile. That is also good time to cross the light touching barrier.

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  • Respect his limitations without judgement. Don't push it. Its basically like how a guy can get a virgin to let him be her first. Our emotional "cherries" can be very important to us as well. It needs to be sincere respect for the boundaries with no strings attached, otherwise we'll see through it.

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  • You get into his heart be being a loyal friend who will never abandon him. By being someone who will love him no matter what happens. You want to get into a guarded man's heart? Don't give him a reason to guard it when you're around, and be willing to talk to him about any and everything. You get into a guarded man's heart the same way you get into a guarded woman's heart, though perhaps with a bit more time and effort.

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  • Be you. anything more or anything less will eventually bring unhappiness. My personal philosophy is My name is (first name) mother fucking (last name) dig me or fuck off. well maybe not so harsh but you get the idea. one more thing your actions should be true to who you are and not predicated on another's actions. unless you have go into personal safety and security mods in which case I advocate a scorched earth policy.

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  • Depends on why he's guarded. Most likely he's been hurt in some way so you gotta communicate to him that you won't hurt him, that he can trust you with anything and you won't overreact, that you'll be there for him and stay by him. You have to actually show this as well. Words don't mean shit unless you actually back it up with actions. Then he'll slowly let his guard down if he feels any sort of attraction towards you.

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  • By getting inside and stimulating his mind.

    If he doesn't surrender his heart and mind to you, then he won't be able to emotionally connect. If he isn't into you then he will never surrender his heart and mind.

    If he is guarding his heart with you or holding back something, then I'm not sure if there is a match.

    Are you and he going out?

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  • the only way you can open a guarded man's heart is simple be his friend, like someone that is there for him, talks to him daily and spends time with him for about 6months to a year and then confess to him, basically you are building his trust towards you

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  • for me : you have to spend a lot of time with me. more than 8 months at least, in person. because i have a lot of trust issues, and i dont hangout with anyone, i prefer my own company more than everyone, so if you want to get to my heart, your must be better than my own company.

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  • You don't. He's a fixer upper or he's playing you. Either way, long term, he won't be a good mate in any measure. If he's triving on your pitty he's sociopathic or if he would " just be the real person " you see inside, he's a narcissist. He needs a professional and shouldn't even be dating if he's struggling like that.

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  • First you'd better make sure he's worth it because, if its anything like a guarded women's heart, you might want in. I couldn't close this women's heart quick enough. It totally destroyed our once unbreakable friendship and turned it into a memory. I ain't trying to scare you, but adhere to the statement "you're not his therapist". I wasn't " HERS".

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  • Show you can be trusted. Or try to find out what happened to him.

    Yes, men go through things in life too. Usually it's from trusting someone too easily,

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    • my crush showed like he likes me he is a nerd so i thought he might be shy... he told me that he is not sure if he sees me as a friend or not bc at first we were only friends.. now i have said that whatever he will say anymore I won't be thinjing that he is flirting ( bc I am sick of him ) and that I am just a friend...

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    • And so does he.

    • we have already talked many nights etc. . . and he started sending me goind night 😘😘 text without us even talking and then happened what i told u on the 1 answer ... he denied everything and said its just his way... he had sended me a romantic song and told me to look at the lyrics and when i told him about that he said he just liked the lyrics... the lyrics tell about a girl who is perfect etc... wtf

  • You really have to get to know him. & I mean really get to know him. Listen when you asked your question did you mean in genaral? As in he doesn't open up to anyone? Or is it women he don't open up to? If it's women then there is your answer he's been hurt by a woman or women...

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  • I'd say just be you, and be human, and understand pain. Also, don't be all up that guy demanding attention. Just be kind, be helpful at times, and be there when you feel like being there, don't do it to get his repsect. Also maybe once in a while when mature enough just tell him you like him and yo feelings but tell him that he too thick skinned that you don't know if it is worth being around with, you just want to give it a chance to know him cause you like him a lot.

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  • several different ways
    1. patience
    2. dont push it, give some breathing room
    3. be yourself and nothing but... a lot girls/women think men are stupid or they are not knowing. just like women have that little sensory gift, they or we can tell when your being fake.
    1) the most important... honesty and loyalty...
    reason being a man has a wall up is because he's been violated, everything shattered, heart, mind stripped. possibly abused

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  • maybe you don't. people's personal walls are their own problems to solve... and it has nothing to do with gender.

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  • Smile and offer a positive outcome in life, start talking about deep things at first, however don't go in too deep just small things and build up until he trusts you completely and opens up on his own

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  • show I'm trust compassion and understanding. try to find out what the root of his fear is and help him let his guard down while understanding that he might get upset or scared but it's not against you personally it's because of the fear and what has happened in the past. just stay strong and confident that you can help him

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  • Be sweet to him. Show you actually care and don't just be as fickle and most women are these days. I know be cause I'm very cautious because getting hurt sucks. I stopped dating for a year. Still trying to figure it all out but.. really showing you care.

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  • Too many suggestions sound like there coming from a these-are-my-issues p. o. v. Basically you show him you won't put up with his b. s. as well as not leaving at the first sign of trouble. However, if cheating is his way of pushing you away, then that a whole different ballgame. over all, he's still responsible for his actions no matter what they are. And there should be consequences.

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  • Sometimes it is not even worth it. This is my personal experience, but even if you go the extra mile to gain his approval even in the relationship, yet he doesn't acknowledge it, give your break and leave them. It is no disorder that can be treated, it's simply his fundamental character which may not change.

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  • Honestly I'm like this and I've only opened up to one person and it was because she talks to me about her problems, didn't push me to talk about things when I didn't want to yet, she showed she really cared, and it did take time before I finally opened up to her but I couldn't be happier now

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  • Definitely DON'T PRY. Guys are super protective and secretive of their emotions, it's how we have mostly been taught to be by our parents and peers. If you want to get to know him on a deeper level just show an interest in what he says and be supportive, but don't try to break that "wall" down when he has defenses behind it lol.

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What Girls Said 61

  • Stop trying to get pass it and respect that 'wall'! The more you try to push, the more he will pull away. There is a reason why he is guarded, but this is my advice for you strictly. If your dating him, give it time and let him know what your intentions are for that relationship. Don't make promises you can't keep, and let him know where your limits are. Now if you are NOT dating him, don't bother. Your going to waste your time with a person who is very emotionally unavailable. Lots of heartache comes from this and abuse comes with it if your not careful from both your end and his. The worse thing that a person can do is try to force their way in and then mock the person or get upset when they see that they can't ever get through. If he can't trust you, he won't. I'll just be honest. And this is coming from a person who is always on guard. In truth, you have to guard your heart and mind. You have to set boundaries. So don't try to tear it down. Respect his desires. Otherwise, if you can't, then move on.

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  • Just stick around. Show him that you're there and that you are not going anyway. Allow him to trust you. You have form that level of trust, it's very crucial for him to be able to let his walls down around you.

    Don't give him any reasons not to trust you. If you make a promise to him, keep it. For whatever reason, if you do have to break it, tell him why. Never keep secrets, he'll found out eventually and feel betrayed.

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    • I agree with this, I'm personally very guarded myself. If you want him to open up to you, he has to know he can trust you. That means no lies, no cheating and no... Intentional manipulation.

  • Talk to him about your problems first. Then, tell him that you trust him and you care about him. Don't press him, give him time. It's more difficult for boys to talk about their problems because of the society. Probably he don't want you to know about his problems because he want to be the ''Mr. Perfect'' for you. Everyone likes hugs, so hug him a lot and don't forget to show him how much you love him in every way.
    *sorry for my English

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    • If he bulks at hugs? Hug him more! He'll appreciate it. (I do)

  • Don't force anything, it takes time to earn trust and comfort. He will open up on his own time. Until then, just remind him every now and then that you're there for him. Patience, understanding, and trust are key.

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  • Watch Matt boggs and Matthew hussey on YouTube. I've been watching them and they explain everything so well! Basically, dont rush it, be patient with him. Guys tend to run when they feel pressured. There is so much to it. Guys minds are so different from a woman's. We tend to know how we feel before they do. But seriously, watch those guys on YouTube. Anything you want to know, they have an answer for it.

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  • Its nothing to do with you, actually. The fact that you are trying doesn't do anything. If he is in the right place to let you in then he will probably let you in. I've liked plenty of guys with huge walls up and I was unsuccessful in my pursuits.
    Save yourself the heartbreak.

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  • its not necessary to guard a man heart coz its always upto a man if he will stay to you forever. coz even if you did your best to show how much you love him, care, treasured and loyal their always a tendency that some man will try to look on other woman despite of your efforts... so its still up to your partner whether he will love you for the rest of your life or hurt you and leave.

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  • No easy way u have to be loving and consistent and trustworthy and u also need to see progress from him!

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  • Been there done that. Only he can fix himself. NOTHING you can do. People do not change unless they want to and comit to it. My guy is now 42 been this way his entire life. Hence no kids or wife. He doesn't really want to change.

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    • Have you tried cooking an amazing meal for him? I see a lot of women here making that suggestion.

  • Usually food I find! The old saying that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach always rings true for me. I'm a pretty good cook.. Men seem to love being pampered with lots of good food and an attentive woman over dinner 😊

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  • From past experience, these men tend to be quite sensitive. So make sure you are always there for them, and show genuine concern for their wellbeing, even if it feels like they do not appreciate it sometimes. He most likely will, just doesn't know how to express that very well :) one of my friends is like this.

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  • I don't think you directly fall in love or be in a relationship if ur had a heartbreak recently because as u said u make walls around yourself prevent it again... But if u genuinely like him then be a part of his life and by part I mean u should be a person to him who he is comfortable to be with you alone without faking his emotions then may be you both can have a chance for a future

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  • tbh…I wouldn't even waste my time.
    "Guarded" is code for emotionally unavailable and/or commitment issues.
    They're not ready for a relationship. Find someone else who is open to dating.

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  • you can't exactly do anything exept be yourself anf have mutual respect and trust... it just happenes with time. can't be guaranteed...

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  • guys knows who to open up to. You just need be patient with him and not constantly harass him. once he feels a connection and is comfortable with you, opening up is not hard

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  • Make him feel comfortable around you. By comfortable I meant feel like he can trust you and can be himself. Make him laugh. Make him food as well. 😜

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  • Ya don't! Poor fellow. Let him choose when/if he wants to share.

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  • be patient. love them no matter what. don't tell them but show them that you are not like everyone else. and wait. lots and lots of wait

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  • I don't try, I am not a stripper anymore, you only care when you want their money, let him stay guarded.

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    • The guy who downvoted wants women to play his head games whaap whaap whaaaaap.

    • Says the woman who's openly talking about ripping guys off for their money like a straight hoe. No wonder a real man most likely don't wanna fuck with you.

    • @cerealcy93 I never ripped anyone off when I was stripping, never stole. But if he doesn't like me I don't get paid, that's the only time I care about his walls or shield or whatever the fuck, and I'm fine I've had enough fuck, I exhausted and bored.

  • if he's truly guarded then he does not reveal his true self, in which case how do you even know you like him?

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  • u don't. u can't. its up to them to tear down the walls they build!!

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  • I would not do that. Why would I do that in the first place. I would rather be patient enough to wait for the man to approach me rather than go after a guarded man.

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    • then you're probably going to keep finding guys that just disappear after a little while.

    • @cerealcy93
      I would rather wait for someone who would be serious to me than a person who has a guarded heart already. I would not want to be a second choice anyway.

  • Are you dating this guy? Are you a couple? Or are you just going out or hooking up?

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  • hard to explain but easy to understand. simply switch roles. don't hurt Urself in the process so if Ur goin to do this... make sure he wants to be with u sincerely. I switched roles by simply doing things for him that usually a man does for a woman. no questions asked , no expectations for wanting something bak... just simply showing money nor time was something I cared to break and waste for someone I wanted to be with. I showed him that I was making myself vulnerable to be hurt by him. I'd take him out to dinner... everything I wanted to do , I paid a way and made a way for him to do it with me .. I told him to shut up before he started to say he felt awkward...

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    • shows him that ur not a person to hurt him by doin or using him the way others have , and by putting urself in the killing zone shows him that u care and ur ginuine about how u feel.

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    • that's just amazing Idea,,, if any woman tried this with me i will feel awkward and i will leave the walls and go out>>> Amazing advice

    • thank you. he's proposed already lol and it hasn't even been 2 months wev known each other. he had some serious walls up as did I , but realizing that we connected 100%on every other level... I wasn't gunna let that wall kill my vibe. haha.

  • i wouldn't try to. i think it's just better to be comfortable with another. just hang out. have fun. over time, he'll learn to trust you.

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  • become their best friend get to know him until he's comfortable with everything about you

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  • In the comments below two people comments which I liked... 1# provide person with caring, love, feelings and patience which is right. Never know what standing behind his protected heart. 2# someone who said it won't work and there's available men around which I have a little bit different opinion about tht. In the song Kahlia-gansta if you know it she sang that she don't want what she can get. Yes its correct there's plenty available men over there but if your heart lend on someone else you should keep on trying till you give everything you have to melt his heart but however if no matter what you could've possibly done wouldn't change this person only then you should take step back and find someone who will appreciate all the effords of yours

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  • It takes time. Bake him a cake just for fun. Do silly stuff to show you care and they wallet should go down.

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  • patience, a lot of time and really build that trust up

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  • just be there for him and hell slowly understand hw can trust u

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