My boyfriend doesn’t want me to know his phone passcode. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

This would sound quite silly but in all my previous relationships, my exes never had any problems with me knowing their passcodes for phones and stuff. My current boyfriend didn’t want to tell me when i asked to use his phone for directions as mine was in the backpack (we were travelling). He said he didn’t ask for my passcode (i gave him as he needed my phone when his ran out of battery) so i should not ask for his either. He said he prefers to have some personal spaces so i said ok. One time i saw an ex of his texted him, didn’t say anything. Second time i saw (several days later) she texted him again so i jokingly said “oh, is that your ex?”. I only saw the name popped up as the text wasn’t shown. He said “yes, not sure why she texts” which sounded strange since they have been texting each other previously. Anyhow, i didn’t question but it kinda bugs me as he got annoyed when my exes messaged me. I am still friend with 2 exes and sometimes they do text to ask if i’m doing well etc (i migrated to a new country). I had to tell my exes to message me less and cut them off during a conversation as my current boyfriend would be jealous and constantly asks what im up to. I even showed him the messages if he was with me at the time as i have nothing to hide.

I am ok to give him the space he needs however it feels like he is fine having his own space but i shouldn’t have mine? My friends told me to treat him exactly the same and be secretive, message my exes more but it seems rather silly. What should i do in this case?

Updates

+1 y

Another problem is that I have never been to his place. We have been dating for 6 months and it always happened at my place or in public. He always had excuses for not letting me visiting. And he is moving in with me in 2 months. I can't deal with all these secretive “privacy” stuff if we are to share the same living space. At the end of the day, it is not about the passcode. It is about me being comfortable with sharing this kind of info and he is not.

[dannyboy1999]

Trust is a two-way street. He can't expect you to trust him when he doesn't trust you and gets jealous. He's only seeing it from his side and isn't giving you the trust you deserve. Just sit down and have a talk about privacy and trust between you two because if there's no trust then things will always be fragile between you two and it's just going to cause stress for both of you.

I think it would be ok for him to show the recent messages he's had with his ex up until now just to clear your mind and relax you and then agree to keep a level of privacy between each other.

I'm pretty open to my girlfriend about what kind of texts i get so there's no shadowy privacy or me being suspicious. Like saying "oh yeah me and this person are catching up" or "me and this person just spoke about this trip or this and that", just so she knows. If you hide stuff from your partner, especially about the kind of text messages you're getting from your ex, you're always going to get doubt.

And if you ever feel like your ex is making any advances on you or says things that would make your partner uncomfortable, just be honest to them about it because hiding that stuff will only cause problems later.

[Asker]

Thats what i thought but most guys on here just throwing out words like “stupid”, “retard”, “abusive” and that. He was also mad when he saw that i have not changed the pet name for one of my exes, and i had to change it to avoid arguments. I like to be open and solve problems from the start but he just cut me off with “i like my privacy”. Wish he could just tell me something like you said so I don’t get all insecure. The problem is that I am not sure how to bring this up without making him feel like it’s all about the passcode. It’s the trust issue at the end of the day.

[SteveSmith1985]

No, you shouldn't have his passcode. You need to trust him. I wouldn't give you mine either.

But your friend's advice is terrible too. Purposely being secretive and texting your ex isn't a recipe for a successful relationship.

Chill out. Talk to him.

[Asker]

So he can keep his privacy and i cannot? Trust is to be built and it does not work with all the secrets.

[SteveSmith1985]

No, I think you both have a right to privacy. The same right to privacy. But if you should choose to waive thst right, that does t mean that he is no longer entitled to his privacy. You can easily "regain" your privacy by changing your password.

And trust is built, I agree. But it's built on the idea that that person will do right by you EVEN WHEN YOU won't FIND OUT. That is what trust comes down to. Believing that a person will do right by you, even if they can get away with doing you wrong.

The way trust is built, is through EXACTLY things like: not trying to spy on your boyfriends phone, and trusting him to do right by you. The idea being that, yes, without you looking... Who knows what kind of crazy things he's texting to ex girlfriends? He could even be texting OTHER girls? But you trust that he isn't.

Then as over time, you become more confident that he really isn't doing anything behind your back... You've built up some more trust. If you're constantly spying and checking you cannot and will not ever build actual trust.

And secrets have no place in a relationship. They really don't. But basic privacy does. To me, and I think most people, that includes my phone password.

[Asker]

I understand your point. However changing my passcode now is just to get even and honestly I have nothing to hide, he can use my phone as he wishes. I am not sure I can be in a relationship totally blinded hoping the guy will not cheat on me so it’s pretty hard to decide on what actions to be made. He opened up about his last relationship with a married woman which totally threw me off as I have a strong belief on never to break another relationship. All these little things make me more insecure and I can’t bring it up as it was him sharing his “dark” past.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well to be honest, like you, I am ultra-ultra worried about being cheated on. But I have a different way of protecting myself.

For me, the trying to check up and make sure someone's not cheating, is just not the type of relationship I'm ever willing to be in. I absolutely refuse to be that controlling, spying boyfriend. Besides, you can't police everything. If someone's gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat despite your best efforts.

So my solution is to be ultra picky in who I choose to get into a relationship with. You have to be someone who i consider to be extraordinarily trustworthy. I actually wrote a rediculously long answer somewhere in GAG detailing all of my thinking on that (I can find and link it if you really want me to).

Anyway, for me, I have the exact same feelings about seeing someone who's married or otherwise attached. If a girl who I'm interested in tells me something like, the fact that their last relationship was with someone who was married... that would be about the end of that, for me. That would be a big red flag and my ultra-self-protection pickyness kicks in.

If I felt like you feel about a significant other. I could no longer stay with them. I would feel I couldn't really trust them, but I refuse to have that spying-type of relationship... So I would be looking for someone else, someone who seems much more trustworthy.

[Asker]

It would be nice if you can link me to that article. It was a red flag knowing he dated a married woman but I wanted to give it a try as he seems to be a nice guy. I guess i have no other choice but to leave it as it it if i want to continue with this relationship. Thanks for all your input, much appreciated.

[SteveSmith1985]

Just to be clear, this isn't an article. It's my own long rambling account of my thinking on rationships, trust, fidelity and all that sort of thing.
#MARRIAGECOMMITMENT : Why do people who are willing to divorce over non abusive situations, Marry in the first place? ↗

And i guess you have no choice but to leave it as it is...

I really hope this guy proves worthy of your trust. If you can't spy, make sure you keep all your other instincts sharp. I wouldn't ignore too many more red flags.

Also, what were his views NOW about having been in a relationship with a married woman. Does he feel guilt? Remorse? Or is it nothing to him? That sort of thing would matter to me as well. 🙂

[Asker]

That one is very well said but it is definitely difficult to do. I am not sure i would be able to let go of a long term partner that chooses to leave the relationship. Anyhow, it is a different matter. I often see a lot of red flags but just wipe them off hoping that i am too cautious. His views on the past relationship aren’t align with mine i must say. He said the woman was in an abusive relationship and he wanted to help her in some ways. The ending was her coming back to her husband and kids and cutting him off which resulted in him moving to another country (and met me). The woman works at the same company and they meet everytime he comes back (every few months he would need to come back for meetings and all). I feel like he still has feelings towards her, more like anger for being dumped by her, not guilt or anything else. I did not question him but I am not sure I can trust him 100%. It happened to me before when i dated a married man, 2 months into the relationship i found out he was still married (not divorced as he told me). I cut off all ties and moved to another city. I would act differently and expect a similar thing from my partner but you know, love is blind... sometimes it is hard to let go while nothing crazy has happened yet.

[SteveSmith1985]

I guess... Although... All my red flag alarms are going off about this guy. Everything you just said makes me think... "yea, no shit... I wouldn't trust this guy either"

I hope I'm wrong... But... seems like your own instincts are rebelling here too. You shouldn't ignore them. And I donno, to me nothing crazy having happened is the right time to decide you don't really trust someone. Otherwise you're already burned.

But I see we just have different philosophies on this. And that's just fine. I wish you all the best though, and I hope in the end this guy does do right by you. 🙂

[Asker]

Thank you very much for all the kind words!

[gorman24]

Sounds like a possessive boyfriend to me. While I agree no one should rummage through their boyfriend or girlfriends phone. If he is getting upset that you are texting exes or friends and you are doing nothing wrong it means he has trust issues. Also if he is invading your personal space he should be letting you invade his own. Trust goes both ways.. I couldn't be with someone that gets triggered that easily.

[Asker]

So what do you suggest i do?

[gorman24]

I Suggest that you tell him that lines have been crossed and have a talk about it if you can't make a compromise its time to leave

[gorman24]

Also a huge red flag if you never even seen his place.

[Unit1]

"I am ok to give him the space he needs however it feels like he is fine having his own space but i shouldn’t have mine?"

You are not giving us the full story in relation to this one:

"He said he didn’t ask for my passcode (i gave him as he needed my phone when his ran out of battery) so i should not ask for his either."

You say he did not ask for your password, then you say he has access to your personal phone. So does he know your password or not?
I'm not going to judge until i have the full story.

"My friends told me to treat him exactly the same and be secretive, message my exes more but it seems rather silly. What should i do in this case?"

Oh dear! With all due respect but Your friends are such dumbasses to even suggest messaging your exes more often. This will lead to attempted cheating and inevitably ruin relationships!

Privacy matters regardless who it is but i do not have the full story in order to give you some proper advise.

[Asker]

He did not ask for my passcode, he asked if he could use my phone and my hands were busy so i told him the code. I dont plan to do as my friends said hence why i ask on here.

[Unit1]

well... difficult situation. i know i love my privacy.

[bjstevenson89]

You have what is known as a big RED FLAG!! There shouldn't be anything on his phone worth needing that kind of privacy unless he doesn't want you to know something. You should definitely keep an eye on this. I'm just a regular dude and this is an issue.

[Asker]

I am not sure what the best option would be. If i ask more questions, he might take it as I am invading his personal space. We have been dating for over 6 months but always meeting outside or at my place. I have never been to his place as he said it’s too small/messy or just avoid the matter. He is moving in with me in 2 months and this kind of secretive behaviour annoys me.

[bjstevenson89]

Oh I see, I didn't know you haven't been to his place yet. I'm sorry but these are HUGE red flags. After 2 months of dating you haven't seen his place that's a problem. Is he really living with this women that you think is the ex? Is there something he's hiding. I am begging you to please get to the bottom of this before living with this person, not just for the sake of honesty but frankly for your personal safety. It's insane to let someone live with you without knowing about these things, and this sounds like a perfect storm.

[bjstevenson89]

Sorry meant 6 months

[Asker]

The ex is in another country, we both migrated to this current country. He always seems to have an excuse not to meet at his place and I just stopped asking after asking a few times. Now i am worried...

[bjstevenson89]

You know this man better than any of us but if I were to hear this from my sister, or someone in my life I would really be concerned. Hmm.. have you thought about just stopping by with some fast food or something randomly one day? Catching him at home when he's not expecting you could tell you a lot, and if everything ends up being fine then it's no big deal, you were just being nice.

[Asker]

No idea where he lives lol! He won't tell me. I didn't think of it as a massive problem until now :|

[bjstevenson89]

It's just something to think about, you are about to live with a guy who hasn't even shown you his place. Living with someone requires a lot of trust and yet you are not trusted to know where he lives, who he might be living with, or even a simple phone password. Again this might be an overreaction but you have a right to know these things if he's expecting to live with you.

[Janncis]

Well not giving phone password isn't any red flag. Most of peoples phones has some confidentional information of job. Or just to open messages with friends, that he doesn't want you to see. And diging trought them your shure to find something you dont like. And honestly about fift of my messages would be trerrible for any girlfriend to reed. He must have seen that shit strom when girl find old sexual messages before her. can't realy blaim him for it. So It isn't unresonable not to give out phone password.
What is odd is that you haven't been at his place. By all means you could be his mistress. Or you have really wrong idea about relationships you two have.

[Asker]

I am not the type to go through my partner’s phone or email. Like i said, its just upsetting to feel like im in the unknown and he does not trust me enough to give me the passcode while i had no problem giving him mine. So now i am not sure what to do as i don’t want to pester him for the code, it does not matter at the end of the day. I was cheated on before and all these things annoy me big time! And it seems like girls cannot be insecure these days according to some guys on here.

[B_rad3057]

I think he should give you his passcode. This shows that he has nothing to hide from you. He should trust you that you won't go looking through his stuff as well. Also the fact that you haven't been to his place is very strange and I would be questioning that as well.

[CoffeeWC]

To him it might seem he doesn't trust you enough. Don't try to force him or manipulate him to trust you with passwords. That'll give him more reason to not trust you. I personally don't like giving other people my password. Even people who are close to me. So he may never even give it to you at all.

[Asker]

So he can text his exes all he likes and I cannot because he gets annoyed. What a double standard.

[CoffeeWC]

If you can't trust him enough to let him have his privacy, then why are you with him?

[Asker]

Trust is to be built. Do you trust someone 100% within months of the relationship?

[CoffeeWC]

If he doesn't trust enough, you he won't give you any passwords.

[Asker]

So i should do the same and change my passcode and be all secretive with my life?

[CoffeeWC]

It's a little late for that since you already gave him his password. He'll be hurt if you change it. You don't need to copy him. And he doesn't need to copy you.

[Anonymous]

Then separate. You don’t need his pin to his phone. Yes I get that you two are together but sometimes you just need your space. I think you don’t like it cause all your other exes gave you their pin, but w him he isn’t like all your exes so you’re not happy w that. It sort of sounds controlling. If you can’t handle it then it may be time to leave. As for him moving in I think that’s a bad idea. You need to figure this out before he moves in.

[JamesBoradil03]

its none of your damn bussiness. would you be ok with him constantly going through your phone? when guys dont allow our girls on our phone its not cuz we r hiding something, its cuz we dot want you snooping through our shit.

[Asker]

I am fine with him going through my phone as much as he wants.

[JamesBoradil03]

guys are different, we need privacy. its not a hiding thing, we just like our stuff to be ours. we dont want to go through your phone cuz we understand that.

[Asker]

I did not ask to go through his messages and stuff. Was a bit upset as he’s not as open as I am while i can give him the passcode. And he can get upset with my exes texting me but not me when his exes texting him. I showed him the texts as i didn't want him to think there's dodgy things going on.

[Anonymous]

You should accept it and stop being a controlling/abusive partner.
He shouldn't have to or feel obligated to be under surveillance by you.
Just because your exs were pathetic soy males who allowed your control doesn't mean he has to be.

If you are too insecure and paranoid to let him have some personal privacy, then you should not be in a relationship.

[Asker]

Oh wow, and now i am an abusive partner for being upset when he doesn’t want to share and be all secretive. I have never controlled any of my exes. If you are to lead two separate lives, what the fucking point of being in a relationship? Why not be in an open relationship where you can fuck your exes for fun?

[AdithyaR]

He doesn't need to give you his passcode.
But on the other hand, the fact that he texts his ex while he doesn't let you do the same is hypocritical. You need to have a discussion on this and make some decisions about your relationships.

[Vesta]

Yeah, i wouldn't tell my girl my phone pass either

Why should i

it's like giving her my ssn

ITS JUST STUPID

AND you're STUPID FOR WANTING IT

[Asker]

Then apparently it is fair for me to do the same, be all secretive and that. Not sure which is more stupid

[Vesta]

yeah, it's fine. at east you're not being dumb by giving out PASSWORDS!

by the way your mho, is stupid

you're a STUPID GIRL