Why do men shut down when stressed?

Question

My boyfriend and I had a bit of heated talk yesterday and now he is acting pretty cold with me and quite distant. I’d like to talk it out but don’t want to push him and cause him more stress. I want to respect his feelings and what he needs but
the quiet is making me scared to lose him.
Is this how some men process things, by going quiet and taking some time and space? I care about him a lot and I’m really happy with how things are going between us so I’m worried he doesn’t want to be with me anymore

Bee-Hatch · Accepted Answer

Please don't take this the wrong way but you don't really understand men. Neither did I until I read - men are from Mars women are from Venus.

Firstly I'm going to be using a word many women aren't keen on - problem. It'll hopefully make sense as I go.

Breaks down like this - women talk and discuss everything. When we have a problem we share it. It's through this discussion we feel better. Basically we are social with our problems. And when other women have problems we listen and share and we all mostly gain from the experience. And it's how we show we care

Men - well it's different. When they have a problem they like to be the one that solves it for themselves. It's something they will work on until they come up with a solution, and it can take up all of their attention until they feel that they've resolved the problem. For men sharing a problem is not really done lightly. And sharing a problem is a huge sign of respect to the other person.

So what's happened is he's had a disagreement with you and he's looking at it as a problem. So he's solving it. Much as you might want to - going in and offering to help can be counter productive. It might anger him as he feels you don't trust him to solve the problem. So leave him to it, he will return to you.

It also answers why when you talk over an issue and he offers a solution to fix the problem. It's just a way for him to show he cares and wants to help make things better. You probably just want him to listen and empathise.

Account · Accepted Answer

I am the same way as him. It has nothing to do with gender.
Do not push him to talk about things, it never works.
I know that, because whenever people insist on talking things through, it makes me want to shut down ever more and I feel my privacy and space violated.
I can understand how that can be for him, but I can also understand how it must feel for you, since you probably feel that he is not doing anything to fix things.
I don't know about him, but whenever I do that, I sort of dissociate from the situation and it helps me see things from a third perspective, instead of my own or the other person's.
It gives me more clarity of the situation, instead of discussing it over and over again and going in circles.

Tldr: Just give him some space and time.
He will probably reach you on his own.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

I'm like that. It isn't "men" but some men.

Some people don't like conflict because in conflict as child their response was to shut down. It's fight/flight/freeze or argue it out. A child only has so many options in some environments. Showing weakness for guys (admitting fault, etc..) makes things worse, they are abused more if they cry and sometimes will only lose. So result is... shut down. His reality/psycyology may be different, so you have to delve into his upbringing to find out.

So now he's in a relationship where he has to be vulnerable, communicate, resolve conflict and perspective... and his training is all messed up. Solution... he has to learn to trust, listen, and retraining.. repetition.

One of biggest things that helped me was accepting my girlfriend was trying to help me see things correctly and wasn't trying to intentionally hurt me. That allowed me to be willing to listen to her view and accept it. That diminished the stress. There's no way around the old wiring being there that has to be managed.

note... you chose him. that says something about you.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Usually I read all other opinions before presenting mine, but lazy to do so this time.

Well, despite the reason just make sure that the first words or impressions are understanding, respectful, and caring.

This should apply to any human, but since you say men, then usually women get so hypered when angry.. I don't know if they feel themselves or not.

So maybe you overreacted or so, so first reflect on yourself. If all is quite normal, then just approach him and start saying whatever new thing you have and then add a normal but clear sorry after that. And pause but not awkwardly.
In case you overracted, then do apologize first with a quick premise.

Apology here is a form of understanding, as in saying I need to understand you more, so sorry if didn't hear you out till the end. That without downgrading yourself but showing what you mean by I care about you.

Hope this is related and not bullshit. As I said I usually read other opinions, but well, hope it helps and gets good for you.

LesterJester · Answer

Men's brains are aired differently. When we get emotional, stressed and such, we don't word ourselves very well and sometimes say something that makes things worse or it comes out not as we intended.

Its like a brain block to our mouths, and if we force that block, what comes out of our mouths is usually anger, rage and anything else that attacks others in a negative way, rather than discussing and coming to a compromise and solution.

Often, the best solution is to go silent and just walk away for a while to cool our heads, take some time to think about the problem and how we're going to word ourselves so you understand where we are coming from, what's bothering us and what the solution is.

I'm far better at writing out my thoughts than speaking it out, because I have the time to think, explain, reread, see that I'm coming off the wrong way and then edit before relaying the message to someone else.

In the heat of an argument, the default action is to defend and that defending usually means to attack the other, their views, their faults etc. And that only makes things worse.

Perhaps write to your partner explaining what you're thinking, then give him the time and space to respond in kind.

The problem with verbal arguments is that each person gets interrupted and their point lost, leading to more anger, frustration and eventual resentment. With writing it out, you can't be interrupted, your view is read from start to finish, the point is made, and they in turn can reply the same way.

Then you both can actually talk it out in a more calmer manner and move forward.

Anonymous · Answer

It depends on what it is really. Sometimes we just want to be left alone to figure out the problem without being interrupted. Other times we just want to calm down before we figure it out and talking about it will only make the situation worse until we do. Dwelling too much on negative stuff is bad for us in general.

Women also often can't seem to just drop it once a conversation has been had. I told my girlfriend I was ready to leave if she carried on doing this and I really was because it drives me insane.

For example if we have an argument over something she has done (or not done) which has pissed me off, and she apologises or we come up with a solution, that's it. The conversation is done, problem solved, I'm out of my bad mood and we don't need to speak about it again. I'll never bring it up again either. We can go back to positive stuff.

If she was pissed off at me for something I'd try to explain myself, apologise if I was wrong, and offer to make it up. She'd then want to carry on talking about it, and would bring up old shit. Or even after we'd come to a solution she'd stay in her bad mood and would not snap out of it no matter how much I tried to make things positive again. In fact she'd do that no matter which one of us was in the wrong.

I first began to avoid arguing with her at all because I just couldn't be arsed with that. I wouldn't avoid it so much if we could just have the conversation, solve it then go back to normal instead of wallowing in negativity. Maybe he's not interested in talking about it for that reason.

Anonymous · Answer

"Is this how some men process things, by going quiet and taking some time and space?"

Yes. Men are well aware that when pushed, they can lash out, verbally and physically. Since there's no social rule that seems to make it okay to hit a woman, (unlike women hitting men) men have learned techniques for restraint.

A key method of restraint when upset (and it can be used when stressed as well) is to shut down and isolate. If you have to punch something, punch the wall. If you have to call your partner a stupid unreasonable bitch, don't do it to her face or anywhere she can hear you.

Women who continue to pursue their partner at this point, thinking it's best to "air" things out and confront his feelings, are going to have a bad time.

In John Greys book "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" he talks about this and references an old tribal metaphor. The wise women of the tribe would instruct the younger women, that the man was going to his cave. Not a real cave. A metaphorical cave. He needed time away. They also warned the young women that a dragon lived in the cave. If tried to follow the man to the cave, she would be burned.

These wise women also told them the man would return, since that seemed to be the young womens main point of concern.

The lessons are - leave the man to deal with this stuff, don't keep after him or pester him. If you do, the dragon burns you, not the man.

hahahmm · Answer

Men tend to think before they speak. It's one of our characteristics. If you unload a bunch on a guy then he has more thinking to do. Or he could just opt to tune you out.

If you have a history of starting heated arguments, especially about the same topic then yes, he's thinking about dumping you. Real men don't like drama. The fact he even takes time to think about it means he really doesn't want to. How you behave now & going forward will determine his decision more.

If you say he started it all then I have no advice for you.

Floppy2112 · Answer

We need time to process information, so as to not act impulsively. The instinct for women is to talk, but for men it's to solve. If you just give him time to process everything he will come out much nicer. How much time? I'd say 24-72 hours on average.
You cannot nag him into a better mood. You cannot talk him into being happy about whatever y'all discussed. He needs a minute to process, if you let him, he will come out better and you'll both be happier. If you keep after him, you can drag out his bad mood indefinitely.

Figen · Answer

Probably because he is pondering more before he speaks as to prevent saying anything he may regret. If anything he is doing you a great service and showing he cares enough to think things through as to not hurt you or your relationship further. Just wait patiently and try not to let it drive you nuts and act on the nuts by blurting or saying something you may regret. Take this time to evaluate the fight you had and see from both sides. Take this time to think and welcome the silence to help with that. I know easier said than done sometimes lol.

Kiss_Me · Answer

Women are wired to be very social, while men are wired to be very private. It will take a while for a man to open up about what is on his mind. Although it is most likely an unconscious decision on your part, men are expected to be emotional anchors that keep a situation grounded. A whining, crying, or bitchy man is considered unattractive and less masculine.
Give him some space. When HE feels the time is right he may discuss what is on this mind. Any pressure to do so will only cause the subject to be placed on the bottom of his "to do" list. However, a single inquiry may be fruitful.

TheorionMage · Answer

Apparently you've hit upon a paradoxical point of irritation.
There's an expression:
"UNSPOKEN words require NO apologies" and...
"Better keep silent and be thought to be a fool... than to speak and remove all doubt"

BECAUSE he cares about you... he's not wanting to say something in his Ego's heat of the moment
that he'd regret later. Physical blows bruise but hurtful words sometimes NEVER heal.
(I grew up in a heavy-factioned household and developed a razored-tongue in self defense.)

He must come to his own decision about whether the loss of your companionship outweighs whatever it was the disagreement was about, just as you must. <3 ;)

Juxtapose · Answer

I personally grew up understanding that the more I talked about my problems and feelings, the less other people cared.

So I learned to be stoic and solve my issues myself. If there is something I actually can't solve, I'll bring it up to someone I know who I think can help me and because I don't bring shit up like this often, they usually do help.

I think that's at the root of why I really don't like people who complain a lot.

"Why should I listen to you bitch all the time when NOBODY would even do half of that for me?"

lucas262 · Answer

Other night my brother and his girlfriend are flipping out because they had an emergency with their washer leaking in their 2md floor aprt. Bro gets super pissed off talking about how he can't take shit anymore and she yells back for him to calm down she's leaving him if he's like that etc etc instead of attacking the situation they went right to attacking each other.

Men keep quiet or leave when they're mad because it can get violent or they will day some things they shouldn't. If your guy does this leave it be. Leave him be, give him like 15 at least to chill and most times he'll be just fine. That isn't the moment to get up in his face and go off on him.

Swear rhe women iv met don't realize when to shut the fuck up. There is a time we all should and they never see it.

Grond21 · Answer

Men do process by taking time and space, yes. However, this sounds a bit more like silent treatment, which is a toxic wave relating.

The best way to handle it is to be respectful to your feelings and to him. By saying something like the following,

"Honey, I can tell that something is bothering you. If it is the argument from yesterday then that's fine. If you need to process it I will wait for you to do so and I won't nag you. All I want to make sure of is that you and I are okay. That will figure this out and stay together. As for the rest, you can take your time and come to me when you've got it figured out"

MrOracle · Answer

When women are stressed or upset, they want to talk and share. Men don't do that - they want to be left alone to think.

Men don't want to feel better, men want a solution to the problem, knowing that a solution will make them feel better anyway.

We're different, and we have to understand these differences about each other.

AmandaYVR · Answer

Men are often raised to be stoic. Showing of emotions denotes weakness, they are often taught.

A controlled man will not even allow anger to come out.

Containment is a fairly rational strategy. But sometimes it does get to be too much to bear, and so others around them should just say, "I'm so sorry. I'm here for you if you'd like to talk." Beyond that, don't push. He knows himself better than you do.

ShadezMcgee · Answer

Men need to collect themselves and be calm when they get mad during an argument. If my girl and I argued and it got heated, I sure as hell wouldn't want to talk to her until I have calmed down enough or she has calmed down enough to the point we can talk like two grown ass adults.

Talking while still mad doesn't stop a hostile environment, it just adds fuel to the fire. Best be cool and collected and then talk when both are calm.

RawIronhide · Answer

If we opened up our anger and frustration it's dangerous, not just phisically but psycologically we can be much more volatile than women. It shows maturity maybe it's not the ideal way to deal with it but opening up in that moment is a bad idea and he knows it.

jshm2 · Answer

Not "shut down" but "go silent". It depends on the person.

If he is the angry type, then he's probably planning your murder. But if he's a normal person then he's just muddling through his options.

Don't talk to him direct, but text him, and talk to his close friends until he's open to talk

jgokgotit · Answer

Give him his space. Men prefer to think rather than talk. Unless he says otherwise, things are ok.

Angelo75 · Answer

Many times "shut down" would give time to think, reflect or analyze a situation.
There's also a fact that men will think before acting. Maybe he's still in the "thinking" phase.

Either way, don't start playing chess in ur mind against him.
Just be open and honest, even though it means u'll lose the advantage of being closed-and-mysterious.
"Just talking" beats the hell out of "being-silent-without-knowing-limbo".

Alexandrubaschet08 · Answer

Personal i do the same when i'm stressed and/or angry. Live him a lone and try slowly, slowly in time to talk whit him.
Ask small questions and don't expect long answers. Watch your buisnis but still don't disapear at last let him know you are still around but keep it low.
In time he will open up to you again. Personal it take me like a week to brake out from a really bad mood.

JSmuve · Answer

Well, it's either I remove myself from the stressful situation and deal with it quietly, internally, and in peace. Or I deal with the stressful situation by blowing up at it and going on an emotionally-charged verbal attack that'll probably put her in tears and make me feel bad afterwards. The former seems like a more desirable option.

recvcv · Answer

he could have suffered from low iq. its same with me my psychiatrist told me i have lower iq than average. the really hard part is when i have stress i just need time for myself because all the stuff is affecting my brain signals etc. it really gets tiring it feels like you receive thousand information to your brain at the same time. good luck!

TruthBringer · Answer

Men are taught from a young age to repress their emotions. While for women it's the complete opposite. He is simply doing what he has been taught and urged to do from a young age. Sounds like he is distancing himself from toxicity. I can't blame him.

007kingifrit · Answer

depends on what kind of fight it is. sometimes i want women to leave me alone for a day or so and i'll be back to normal.

but the most annoying thing ever is when i'm mad and she wants me to talk about my feelings. men use feelings as only a means to an end, when i'm angry i don't want feelings i want SOLUTIONS

Guanfei · Answer

I'm following a lot of social medias, a recent trendy catchphrase on one of them was from women, saying, I quote: "We are not rehab for broken men".
Truth is, many women, and they say it clearly, don't want to care for someone who isn't feeling good. They want to be supported, not supporters. And that, us men knows it. Therefore, we either have to lose women we like, or shut the fuck up and keep everything we like.

YHL6965 · Answer

I usually process my feelings better when I'm alone and, although talking about it can bring some reliefs, it usually does not bring up solutions or it does not process the feelings in itself.

You can still ask him if everything is okay, telling him you feel like he has been more distant and you're wondering if he feels alright.

Raveagit · Answer

Yes, he's calculating whether you are worth it. He's not shut down. He's shut off from you.
All I see here is you not wanting to lose anything nothing about whatever you did. He should probably leave you.

Newhead · Answer

They are machines that usually shut down when they have to process emotions, you must do a reprogram and upgrade, but first try turning off and on again before calling our customer service line for further assistance.

locutus9999 · Answer

there is a time for everything. look we get stressed by wathever that made us stress. but the add to the stress the preasure to talk about it. best... give him his tine alone. and tell him he can tell you once he feel confortable. we are a lot like cats you know? is not the thing but a lot of timing... get wen is not time, and offer time and care so when he want to open do so.

Anonymous · Answer

Usually for me, I'm weighing options. I really don't discuss much, I just decide if I can live with it because there's really no point in arguing with a woman or trying to change her mind on anything. It's a simple "is this really how I want to spend the rest of my life?". If no, I end it and go find someone else

iseekpinetrees · Answer

Press him to talk. Resolve the issue. Guys shut down when there is communication issues or if they're ego is burst. Some people need some time after an argument but try to resolve it that day.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

Yes some of us guys do process things by going quiet and contemplating what is going on. I think it has to do with the person's personality more than it being a "male" trait.

Jusin · Answer

I mean not all men are like that. Not everyone of the same gender have the same traits, I've know women who were like that. Just give them time.

Bat-Perv · Answer

When a man expresses any anger the police get called

MannMitAntworten · Answer

It is how some men ‘and’ women deal with ‘things’. Allow him the space he requires and definitely do not push it. Pushing it is what usually causes things to come to an end.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Damn, you women are so full of shit. "I want you to talk about your stress" , but the moment a man does start talking about his stress and fears, women are repulsed and see the guy as weak. So please just STOP.

genericname85 · Answer

everyone is different. but i'd say men tend to try and leave people out of the stress they're having by locking them out mentally a bit.

RSav4013 · Answer

Everyone is different. What were you two discussing? The context might help me develop an opinion.

krin_m · Answer

I normally like to be in my own space and sort thins out in my mind when I'm stressed. So really understand is way of processing things. It is not personal and I'm not shutting anyone out. I just need to think it out myself. At least initially!

kingofthellamas · Answer

I go quiet. It helps to process things and decide if Im the asshole or not

ThisIsMyOpinion · Answer

Because we don't want to keep being mad at you. So we want to calm down.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Answer

Some do, some don't, it's all personality based i think

jasco · Answer

Because when stress we rather not be bothered, we rather be with our own thoughts and simply being patient with us is the best thing for you to do

sidhutv · Answer

Just talk to him and take initiative to solve it if he tries to say be patient don’t again argue it will be fine

worldscolide · Answer

need more of the story before i comment, what exactly happened between you two?

Ryfyle · Answer

Let him chill, don't force the issue unless you want to see him bail or make a Jackson Pollock with his head goo.

Waldoe · Answer

women use their words to Beat up men... and men cannot fight back, because we use our muscles, so he retreats...

EaterPeter · Answer

Hunter gatherer theory? I dont know how to take care of this need some extra cave time. It was all working fine why this happened all of sudden.

Emperorxxxemilio · Answer

Specifically your boyfriend? Well a lot of people “shut down” for different reasons irregardless of gender. It’s just how they deal with overwhelming stress in their lives.

Meldrum · Answer

Allow him to cool down. If he wants to talk he'll come to you.

michael1469 · Answer

Because rather then going off like a raging lunitic... he distanced himself to gather his those so have a meaningful productive conversation.

Smegskull · Answer

Did the heated talk have a conclusion or do you both still think you're right, waiting for the other to give in and apologise.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Life is difficult as it is, last thing someone needs is a person bugging them.

InferiorElegy · Answer

Because guys are raised to keep emotions in check and in doing so it fries us and we shut down.

Anonymous · Answer

We actually dont shut down. We just want you to shut the hell up.

Anonymous · Answer

He is cold because he doesn't want to punch you and get in jail🙃

colin77 · Answer

Th way we were created to rule... plus if someone don't know there inner strength it will happen

bend-u-ovr · Answer

Multiple reasons I do it an I try to come out of it and end up sinker deeper holding it in

boggboss · Answer

Men just process things differently

sheikalana · Answer

That's how they deal with their issues.

AFellowWeeb · Answer

Then stop fucking nagging at him dumbass

Why do men shut down when stressed?

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Why do guys shut down when they are stressed or have a lot going on?

Why do men shut down when stressed?

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Why do guys shut down when they are stressed or have a lot going on?

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