Why is he behaving this way?

[Anonymous]

I can't seem to stop being confused about this guy I've been dating for months now. He has told me he likes me and wants to get to know me more and see how it goes, but he is not ready for a relationship with strings attached. I still want to see him because I care for him and at least want to have him in my life, even if my hopes are really low. But since he decided to travel to come visit me in my hometown, I have felt my hopes rise higher. He listened to me open up and he shared some really private things about himself. He shows respect every time I seem unsure about doing something with him and protected me and looked after me when I was dizzy after drinking alcohol, without taking advantage of the situation. I know he is interested in having sex with me, but after I seemed unsure about it he gave me time and even declined me when I tried to initiate it with him after that. He wanted to explore the city while he was here with me and agreed to meet my friends to hang out. But he told me he didn't want to meet my parents, so I respected that. After he left, he has shown effort in knowing what is going on with me at work and in general. I initiated a phone call with him, which he declined the last time I asked him for some months ago, but this time he said I could call him. He told me he didn't like doing phone calls, but wanted to try. It went ok, but he told me he was tired, but reassured me he managed to talk longer with me when actually meeting up. I know what he wants, but I don't understand why he wants to visit and make phone calls with me and hang out if he doesn't mean anything.. Should I tell him again, that I want to talk even more with him, or should I simply not say anything about it.. I know it probably seems simple since he has already told me what he wants.. I know he has problems and had to get through a rough breakup. I just wonder what makes him not want to try with me, at least just try and see?

[wheist9095]

It sounds like he's really afraid, the rough breakup he went through obviously deeply affected him. He likely trusted and confided in his last partner and was betrayed, and he is afraid to put that same trust and commitment in with you because he doesn't want to be hurt again. I think it's likely that he hasn't been in many relationships or had much experience with romance or sex So he doesn't know how to act or express himself in a clear healthy way.

The fact that he comes around and he likes to talk to you and spends time with you is good! I think he might just be one of the millions upon millions of awkward fucking guys doesn't know how to make the next step, so you can do it one of two ways.

You can try and make the first step again, tell him that you want a relationship or a friendship and you can't commit to a friendship with the idea of a relationship someday because it's not fair to you or him to hold out for something that may or may not ever happen. He still might not be ready to make that commitment and that's okay, but that means that you have to stop viewing him as a partner or a potential partner because it will just hurt both of you in the long run.

The other option is to try and go slow and build a strong friendship of affectionate commitment before involving a sexual aspect or romantic aspect, play the long game and try to win in the end but that usually doesn't work out and just makes everybody unhappy.

I vote the first way, Because I'm an awkward person, both socially and just on my own. I've always needed someone to take the first step to break me out of my shell so having someone clearly state their interest and intentions has always been the best thing to me.

It's obvious he cares about you, but he might not understand to himself how much he cares or he's simply afraid of being hurt again. I think it's worth trying

[Asker]

Thank you for answering. I definitely see where he is coming from emotionally and why it makes sense for him to hold back. He has talked about his past, where he has struggled with depression and anxiety. He was held back by negative self talk and perfectionism, which eventually made him see a psychologist. Work is taking a toll on him emotionally and he rarely takes proper breaks from it, which makes him exhausted and overly stressed in his daily life. This is also why it is confusing to see when he sometimes makes the effort, and then he pulls back. I do understand why he says he wants to "get his life in order" to enter a relationship.. But at the same time I don't know whether he sees me as a potential partner in the future either.. We have known each other for several months and my hopes is still there about a relationship, because he said he wants to see where it goes. But I feel like he also knows me well enough by now to know if he could imagine us in a relationship later on. Either he likes me enough to try, or he don't.. I think it probably is better for me to go with something along your option one. I don't think I know how to be just friends with him, because keeping in touch only makes my feelings stronger.

[Anonymous]

If he isn’t ready for a relationship, and he has verbally told you this (not you assuming, mixed signals or any of that), then to continue on the way that you are, you are only playing yourself and digging yourself into a deeper hole. Don’t let small gestures (like a visit) overshadow the bigger picture and don’t invest more hope into a situation that you already have an answer to. Because then when he does something like ghosting, losing interest or finding someone else, you will be crushed because you “thought” there was more. No, don’t do that to yourself. You have your answer, and wasting time trying to create other ones.

[Opinion Owner]

I feel so bad for you because I’ve been in your shoes and I totally understand how much you want him and how you wish that if you stick around longer he will change his mind. But girl if you don’t leave, you are only heightening the heartbreak you will experience and will be disappointed by how much time you’ve invested into hoping and not getting anything.

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer. I understand what you're saying.. I guess I think it's better to keep in touch than to face the pain and suffering it will be letting go of him. I don't know what I can do to make the pain stop and for my brain to stop trying to confuse me. I know I deserve better, but the pain is so sharp I don't know how to deal with it. Should I be honest and tell him all of this? I mean would it help..

[Opinion Owner]

I completely get it, I just got out of a situation like that a month ago which is why I feel like you’re wasting your time. With my guy, I’d asked him about a relationship, told him front the start that I wanted one and he kept dragging his feet, saying he wasn’t ready, blaming past trauma, etc. The worst thing I did for myself was hold on, and his gestures made it no better. We were a bit long distance, but he’d drive down to see me every weekend. Not a day went by since we had met that we didn’t talk, he was good to me and in my mind I couldn’t see how it wasn’t already a relationship or how he didn’t want to just make us official. But in the end he said he was indecisive, always going to be indecisive and it wasn’t fair to me. I felt so broken, and still healing but the worst thing I did was hang on, even when he said he wasn’t ready. I tried keeping in touch too, but stopped that last week to be exact because I was like what’s the point? I love this guy and it’s not enough for him, and talking to him just makes me hopeful and confused. You’d probably be in the same boat, if you held on. So if you want to talk to him, you can, but you said that you’ve already talked, it sounds like more than once and he has the same answer. I don’t think you can expect different again..

[Asker]

I'm sorry we both have to go through this. It sucks giving so much effort into something for so long and feeling so close but yet so far.. But it also made me feel less alone hearing about your experience. Now it feels more clear to me why I need to let go, even though it seems nearly impossible to do right now.. A little part of me wants to meet with him and tell him, again, that I want to try to make a relationship work, even though I know he probably haven't changed his mind.. At least I would have an ending.. I have only ever told him about my feelings while texting, which is a while ago.. I forget to tell you I already cut the contact with him for a month, but I chose to come back to try a friendship with him. Now, after a month of contact again, I know this can't work because of my feelings for him. I feel weak for even going back to him again, but I guess I have to just accept it. He seems very indecisive, with always going with the flow, agreeing a lot when we are together (when asked to hang with friends or taking a walk for example). What did you do to end things with your guy, did you talk to him one last time? Did you give yourself a time limit for him to come around? And what helped you to start healing?

[Opinion Owner]

I’m sorry too, because it really does hurt a lot. Honestly if talking about a relationship with him will help, then you should, because you have to do what feels right for you. All I’d say is to go into it expecting either outcome, like be prepared. As for friendship, personally I feel like it’s too soon for you since this is still pretty fresh and you’re still healing. I think it would be a big setback, and I don't know maybe these are just moments of weakness but when I have those, I’ll either call a friend, write, or just distract myself somehow some way. It’s all I can do bc I know I can’t go back, it’s like a revolving door, you know? And it’s only been about a week since I stopped talking to him entirely, and I can’t lie it’s very hard. What helps is reminding myself of why I left in the first place, and looking at the bigger picture, which is that I want something real with someone, who wants that in return and works just as hard to have that with me as I’d work for them. I wasn’t going to get that with my ex because he couldn’t offer it. Maybe that’s a good perspective for you to start with, like putting the pain aside and just recognizing that he is incapable of giving what you’re willing to give and he simply just doesn’t deserve you. Men like that don’t deserve women like us, tbh. Journaling helps too, because you can vent without judgement and it’s nice to clear your thoughts🤍

[Asker]

Yes, we definitely deserve better than someone who is unsure about us. I will have to face the truth and accept what is. It is for the better, even though I am scared my feelings for him will never go away. At the same time I have to have faith that time will heal the pain. I got to be happy about the experience it has taught me being with him and try looking at the memories in a positive way. I am thankful for your answers, it does feel a little lighter now. I think the best decision for me is being honest with him face to face about what I feel, about my hopes for a relationship.. No matter what he says, I will have more answers and hopefully be able to create some peace with myself. It's like I already know the answer, but I still have to make sure for one last time.. Right now, my mind is telling me that time will change things between us, but I know he knows me well enough to be able to tell if he could ever imagine us together in the future or not.. I will try to expect nothing and hopefully learn from all of this.

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly it’s no problem, I believe everything happens for a reason and it was meant for you to cross paths with someone like me who’s gone through something similar and can relate a bit more. Otherwise, it just feels like people “advising” who haven’t gone through it and have no idea. I definitely understand your need to have that final talk, I did with my guy too which finally led to him admitting that he was indecisive and it wasn’t fair to me. Technically it’s not yes or no, but it’s another way to keep me around and hopeful while he drags his feet. I hope you won’t get an answer like his from your guy, but pay close attention to whatever he says and the meaning behind it. Any version of stalling progression for you and him should to be unacceptable, because after all this time, he DOES know. Indecision is a decision.

[Asker]

I guess it makes sense for him to try to keep me around, but I think someone who likes you well enough would at least try to have something more valuable with that person. I feel a bit afraid about the pressure I am going to put on him, but I have to respect myself. Having feelings for someone and trying to have a no strings attached relationship will only hurt me later on, as you said. I thought it would benefit me to have him in my life because I care about him, but there is probably someone out there who is more deserving of my love. Someone who will give it back and not make me worry and question his intentions.. It's like I'm slowly unlocking myself from a dark cave I've been helt in..

[Opinion Owner]

I completely agree, the right person would not only try to have something, but they’d want that. A guy friend of mine once told me that men know what they want by month 3. If the guy hasn’t asked you out after that point then he has no intentions to. I didn’t want to believe that but I mean, look at these situations. Like With your guy, it’s been how long and he hasn’t initiated a talk about a relationship. It’s gotten to the point where you’re afraid to ask because you already know the answer probably won’t be what you seek, and then you’d really have to let go. I think that was the sad and scary part for me too, my apprehension to have that talk because I hardly needed an answer, his actions alone showed me but I wanted that verbal confirmation. Now I feel better, but there’s still some frustration because I don’t understand how a guy can fill your head with lies, make you feel like there’s potential but in the back of their mind, know there is not. It’s such a selfish thing.

[Asker]

Exactly.. In one way I don't want to put the pressure on him, because I know he only wants something casual and I have to accept it or leave. If he was feeling enough, I think he would have initiated something already because he knows me well by now. I believe he would want to pursue me if he did like me better. Even if he did find a solution to all of his problems, I still wouldn't think he would commit.. But I guess I just have to hear him say it out loud, without him beating around the bush...

[Asker]

I don't know if you will see this, but I just wanted to tell you that I confronted him a few days ago. I asked him if there was a chance in the future for a serious relationship. He told me he needed a little time to think, but explained further on that he wanted to keep his freedom and figure out himself, especially since he recently (a year ago) broke it up with his ex due to moving away. He specified his answer by saying freedom to do things whenever he wanted to, without always having another person in the back of his head while taking these decisions. I asked him if there was something about me that were lacking, but he explained it wasn't about me. He couldn't give me an answer to when he was going to be ready, because he didn't like thinking about the future as much... He also did mention it was times in his past relationship he wanted to interact more socially outside his relationship or together with friends. He wanted to be alone and focus on what he himself wanted for now.. I said I didn't think I could wait around for that, because I would give myself a false hope about him. He said he understood where I was coming from and I had to prioritize myself first. I told him then I wanted some time to think about what he had told me and would come back to him later..

[Asker]

The day after I decided to call him and I told him I had made a decision to cut the contact and delete him from all my socials.. He wished me luck and hoped I found what I was looking for.. I said I was happy I got to know him and mentioned I really cared about him and I wished I could have been his friend. But it is simply too difficult since I would always give myself this hope about something more. He told me I had been a positive impact on his life and he didn't regret knowing me. But he didn't mention he cared about me too.. I felt a twinge of anger when I hung up afterwards about having said all these things to him... I still have this feeling of hopelessness and loss, because I have known him for quite some time and he feels like a second home to me. I think about what I could have said to make him change his mind or what could have been different, but I know it will not change the reality of this situation.. I just thought you should know what happened. I try to keep reminding myself that he really didn't care all that much about me, because then I would think he would have taken a shot with me. He wouldn't have been so indifferent or okay with me just cutting of the contact if he really did care to be with me.. I try to not regret giving all this effort and love away to him, because I now understand I deserve better than what he could offer me. It sucks and I really do hope the pain goes away soon.. How are you doing? Are you still holding up and have you been able to fully move on?

[Opinion Owner]

My gosh, I am so sorry to hear this, girl. On one hand, I’m glad you were able to close that door amicably and got some closure, but as I’ve said to my friends (and myself) is that healing isn’t always about the closure you get from the person who hurt you, it’s about finding healing on your own, too. Bc 9/10, they are not going to be saying what you want them to say. I’m so glad he wasn’t a jackass to you (I mean in the sense that he is verbally bashing you, what he said was still hurtful), because that would’ve sucked way more. But in the positive side, now you have finality to that situation. You don’t have to feel confused or wonder if he would change, because he wasn’t going to..

[Opinion Owner]

It’s interesting because it was also a similar situation with the guy before my last ex that I was telling you about. That dude I’d known for years (with like 3-4 years no contact) then we ran into eachother, felt connected again and decided to try once more. For almost another year we were hooking up, acting as boyfriend/girlfriend, he was the one professing his love (like in love with me) always on me or in my face, there was no confusion there. Yet whenever I spoke about a relationship, there was always an obstacle. Some form of him dragging he’s feet. We’d literally argue because I just could not understand wtf. So last September I just stopped trying, and he didn’t try either. Then literally 3 weeks later, I text him asking if he was going to be at the bar (it’s a small town bar and he’s always there so I wanted to check first), and he said “yes I’m here with my girlfriend” I will never forget! Lol girl I was completely shattered! Thank goodness my last ex came in when he did and distracted me from that pain. Moral of this whole story is that sometimes when it’s not us it’s just not us. A guy will swear up and down that he’s not ready, but when I reality he’s just not ready for US. Let the right woman come along and the whole story changes.

[Opinion Owner]

If anything these are such valuable (and painful) learning lessons, because for your next guy, you will know what you want and what you will not tolerate. You can gather that friends with benefits situations are just not made for you, and you want commitment (at least that will actively be the plan on both ends, I don’t mean diving into a relationship). And avoid those unavailable men. Like your guy saying he was still healing from a breakup that happened a year ago, there’s no way he should’ve even bothered you. Last month is recent, not a year ago. Things like that just show he was full of shit from the start, and was going to keep being FOS until you walked away. I’m so glad you did and I hope you are proud of yourself. It’s gonna be hard as hell but you will move past the hurt! I’m still healing from that ex. I’ve seen him at the bar with his new girlfriend, I even cried there once (not on purpose, a mutual friend that was more his friend and there with him approached me to say hi and I cried bc I missed her). I still can’t face him, to say hello or anything but I don’t hurt over it anymore. That’s the best part.

[Asker]

I am so happy you answered me. It both upsets and annoys me to hear about the situation with your guy just showing up at the bar with another.. I can't imagine how destroyed I would've felt if I were in the same shoes. Just thinking about the guy I was dating with another makes me feel so hopeless and hurt.. It's only been a few days and I have felt so tempted to talk to him again, too many times.. It only hurts to think about how much I thought he cared about me, but really it was all in my head.. With a little distance and after reflecting a good amount, I can see how my infatuation made me blind to how he really was with me.. While being around him, I think he is the safest and most caring person I've ever met, it just feels amazing no matter what he says or does. But really he didn't give any real effort, besides putting on a movie and offering sexual intimacy.. Meeting with him, texting and calling always had to go along with his own terms. There was times he would cancel last minute and one time he just forgot, but I chose to ignore these red flags.. I was almost compelled by the sweet words he would use, always complimenting me but rarely about anything other than my looks. He made me laugh and always flirted with me and made me feel so wonderful, so much that I thought he definitely felt the same..

[Asker]

I felt almost hopeful when I brought things up with him a few days ago, but when nothing had changed his mind over the summer, I was just left with a feeling of worthlessness and anger about the effort I had put in, only to recieve nothing back. He even made a "joke" to cheer me up, and asked if I had to ghost him.. While I wondered if I should delete it all.. What I still think about is the last phone conversation we had and how he seemed so indifferent to me just deleting the contact and moving on. Did he never even care to lose me as a friend? Was my company that unimportant to him.. How could he meet up with someone for so long and never develop even a twitch of attachment to that person:// I have to try to count my blessings more often, try thinking about the people that actually do care and give some of that love to myself. I made a list of character traits the guy I dated lacked and what traits I liked about him. I found it really helped a bit, because then I can go back and remind myself it exists something better out there. And as you said, it is the healing with ourselves that is the most important.. If anything, I should try to not regret knowing this guy, because the experiences makes us stronger.

[Asker]

I do hope we can keep in touch, because you seem to be a very kind and compassionate person. I want you to know I am really proud of you and I admire your ability to stay strong through all of your experiences. It's not easy, but you make me hopeful about my own situation and even though it hurts a lot it only gets better with time.. If only I knew how much time it takes to really accept things as they are.. It's like my brain is stuck trying to move on, but I am still hopeful.

[Asker]

I don't know if you can relate to this, but I have struggled with this feeling of feeling unsafe and really alone for the past few days. It's like I don't trust myself to be alone with my thoughts or go out, when I have this fear of getting flashbacks of memories about him or even just seeing him on the street. I feel completely vulnerable and alone with my feelings, which I think has to be with this attachment I developed to him over the time.. It feels like a hole deep in my chest.

[Opinion Owner]

I completely get where you’re coming from. I think what’s making this the hardest for you is just the sole fact that you were the one to end things, and you probably have those nagging regrets and confusion. Like wondering if you really made the right choice, if he would’ve changed if you waited, if you did something different would it have made things different, etc. But just let me reassure you that you could not have made a better decision if you tried. As women I think we are guilty of imagining a future with a guy who we’ve already made more perfect in our minds than they actually are. The reality of things is that you were never going to receive that future from him, simply because he was never going to be the man that you needed him to be. There was nothing you could’ve done differently, because he is in a point in his life where he just wants to be free, mess around and leave his options open. The part of you longing for the right guy deserves someone who will reciprocate everything that you are willing to also put into a relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

I think another element too is just the sheer disappointment. You’ve spent so much time and energy wanting this person, and you want the payout. It really sucks a whole bunch to walk away with nothing. But I think you have to realize that you were more infatuated with the idea of him, and the positivities you experience with him. Overall though, he wasn’t this guy that you made so ideal in your mind. I think something would’ve always been wrong, even if you got into a relationship, it would just be the same package of a mess but with a label slapped on it instead. You are worth so much more than what he was emotionally putting your through. As for the friendship, well, I think you both know it wouldn’t have been a good idea. You’d still want more, but we’re willing to chill on the sidelines until he was ready for you and you’re above that as well. I don’t think you would’ve been ready to go from the extreme of having to emotional ties, sex, etc, to just flat out being a friend and having to watch him move on and head about it as well. Why would you want to torture you’re like this, you know?

[Opinion Owner]

I’d love to keep in touch, I’ll unanonymize myself so that you can DM me if you’d like. I honestly wouldn’t have gone anon on the first place but sometimes advice isn’t well received by women on here and I didn’t want another angry message lol

[Opinion Owner]

Also, thank you so much. He’s given me some grace, and doesn’t come to that bar anymore. But it’s a small town so I see him occasionally at another bar we enjoy, I think he switched to going there. Last time I went, he was there without his girlfriend and he did exactly what I knew he would do: come over and hang around all night talking to my best friend I was with and trying to say things loud enough for me to hear, like “you have no idea what I’ve been going through this year” “well I’ll be sitting right here having a drink if anyone wants to have a talk”, all that bs. The universe is very karmic though and I am not surprised that his girlfriend is a controlling psychopath, but I feel no remorse. I’m working hard to not have any feelings about it. I know that the time will come for us to talk, he doesn’t know how to leave me alone when we are in person and I am certain he will corner me somehow. All I know is that he made his choice, it was a big one and I will make him stick to it even if it hurts me, simply because I can never forget this hurt and I love myself too much to be put through that again. Having that mentality, putting myself first and recognizing that I am too good for him has been so refreshing. I think if you adjust your frame of mind to think like this, you’ll be right up here with me. You are TOO good for that shit. When you forget or have moments of weakness then remind yourself of that, fiercely. Any time you want to give in and talk to him, just slap yourself with the memory of how much he’s hurt you and how undeserving he is of your kind of love. It’s knowing our worth and never settling for less again that gives so much power and strength.

[Opinion Owner]

I don’t think it took my off anon, so if not then my name is HollyK21

[Asker]

It really is no use thinking about the past and what could've been done differently and I keep reminding myself that every day in front of the mirror. Even though I deeply know inside of me that a relationship with him wouldn't be successful, my brain keeps saying "what if he treated me differently if we were in a relationship, because it wouldn't be casual anymore".. And "he must have been relationship material if he already has been in one for 4 years".. I also remember me asking him "do you think there would ever be a chance in the future for us", and then he replied "can I have some time to think about it?", before I started saying "I think you would know by now.." and then he would continue on with his answer.. I keep having nagging thoughts about how he liked me BUT just needed to change his perspective about being in one, or starting to be afraid to lose me as time would go by.. I am scared I am letting go of a good friend too, because he really was a good friend either way. At least he cared for me in a friendly way and wanted me to feel safe and good. It also bugs me how he simply could not even try to make me stay in his life or make things work.. It was his choice and I can never change it, which only makes me feel hopeless. I really do hope I can stop this fight inside me of racing thoughts, but sometimes I feel so weak and compelled to just "pretend" things are ok again by contacting him.. But then I ALSO remind myself I would feel good for about a second and then continue on to feel like shit because I inside me deeply I know I am betraying myself by doing it. I've felt like shit for a long time now and want control over my life again. I don't want to feel like I need someone to make me feel safe and worthy, I know I am capable of achieving that myself. I really do believe it. When other people have achieved it, why shouldn't I?

[Asker]

So you probably see I am currently in a fight with myself. I deeply believe I deserve something more than him, but yet I can't seem to really accept it yet. I can only hope time will heal me past this. I try to just keep going while I also try to be grateful about everything I am learning about myself right now. He is the very first person I ever fell in love with, so the feelings I am having now are very new to me. In a way, it makes me understand more about myself every day that is passing. It is strength in knowing to let go of something and ACTUALLY doing it and never looking back again. We really do become stronger and we find out what we simply can't tolerate anymore. I know I also don't want to even think about finding someone else, because I know I have to find that "home" and stability in myself. If not, I am going to continue searching for a fantasy of someone always protecting me and giving me closure.. It should only be a bonus, really..

[Asker]

Reading about your episode with your ex in the bar is making me feel sorry for him and he probably (or should be!) regrets not trying to be with you. He can see how well you are now doing, without him, and probably is going on and on about what he did wrong. I have heard so many stories, from my friends and over the internet, about exes and men you were dating, that comes back and suddenly wants you.. I guess it would be a sweet revenge, because after time without them you know how much you achieved by actually letting go and moving on. My friend told me she had an toxic ex who suddenly came back after a YEAR and wanted to meet up again. Luckily for her, she was in a much better place mentally and said she simply couldn't understand why she ever liked him in the first place. I hope you know I am really trying every day to come to a better conclusion and not blaming myself but actually be thinking realistically about this. And about you, what would you do if he tried talking to you one-on-one, would you walk away or hear him out?

[Asker]

By the way, I added you:)

[Opinion Owner]

Hey love! I’ll check now, what’s your name start with? You don’t have to say the whole thing ofc, I just don’t ever bother with my friend requests so i have quite a few lol. Also, I completely get where you’re coming from, girl. I went through that as well, like wondering if being in a relationship would have made him behave differently. In hindsight though, I think it would’ve been the same situation, just with a label on it. Simply because he would be the same person, and that wouldn’t change overnight or even at all if he didn’t truly want to. It’s too bad because he’s like a typical dude who went through a bad breakup and now that’s his excuse to string women along. It’s not ok.

[Opinion Owner]

As far as friendship goes, I get where your head is at, like why was it so easy for him to not even consider it and just walk away completely. But if anything this just shows that you were the one hanging on, wanting him more, and having him in your life can’t matter this much more to you than it does to him, love. I think that has been a driving force for me to stay away. I also understand the feeling of deserving something with him, but honestly, what would you be getting? I’m sure he is a good person, and a good friend, but once romance is involved then he really sucks at that. Even if you settled for friendship, I think you’d feel terrible because you’ve had no time to heal from wanting more with him, and it would crush you to have to hear about women he’s dating, or interested in, seeing him move on and be happy while you’re dying inside. That is a deep torture you shouldn’t want for yourself. Maybe one day you two can be friends, but right now you should heal.

[Opinion Owner]

I also hope that you feel proud of yourself, and when you look in the mirror you are seeing the strength that is growing every day. This is hard shit, but I swear it gets easier. I was in such a deep depression over the ex before this last guy I dated. From last October to February ‘21 (when I met my last ex) I just could not shake the devastation. Then I’d see him at the bar with her and I just hated life so much because it was like why can’t I have my moment? Why can’t I have the opportunity to walk in with a guy, looking amazing myself and make him feel like shit? Why does he get to move on and flaunt her around and be happy and I just have to cry all the time and feel this much hurt? Gosh I was so mad! Lol but I’ve worked to heal and now as I reflect, I was so above him. He had nothing going for him besides his looks, and even that won’t last forever. I have goals I’m working towards to elevate myself and I need a guy who is also driven. There’s so many things I realize now as to why we just won’t work but I would’ve never saw them if I hadn’t walked away. I would have kept making excuses for him and myself, telling myself he was so much better than he even was as if he was a god or something. I feel dumb now for even giving him so much of myself. But I can’t get that time back, 9 years knowing him, loving him and all that gone, but it’s ok. He wasn’t the one, and maybe your guy isn’t either. I think we just have to understand that not every situation is going to work out. I think these obstacles are meant to shape us for when the right guy comes, and trust me, You have better coming.

[Opinion Owner]

I know that the time will come for us to talk. I definitely would not seek it but the thing about him is that when we are together, he so very much all about me, I have no idea what’s wrong with him but it’s like he can’t stay away. He has to try and talk to me every time (if his girlfriend isn’t there of course). I ran into him earlier this month, he was alone and this is what happened. It’s crazy because as much healing as I try and do, I still shut down if I run into him, so that’s what I did. I stopped having fun, of course I didn’t talk to him, I just treated him like he wasn’t there when he tried talking to me and my friend but it ruined my night. He will catch me off guard at some point to talk, and when he does, I would like to hear what he has to say. I’d love to know why he did what he did. But that’s it, I have no desire to go back because he made his choice and it wasn’t me. So it can never be me again and he has to live with that.

[Asker]

My username is quotiee.
It does make sense for him to stay the same.. In my eyes he seemed to truly be himself around me, but at the same time I knew he had told me he didn't like talking about his feelings and never talked about any deeper non-superficial subjects. Around him, I was almost scared to ask him how he was really doing. He would always answer shortly and change the subject or simply say "We don' need to talk about that". I wanted to build a deeper connection with him, but I couldn't get to him no matter how hard I tried. So I felt I was doing something wrong, because why wouldn't he trust me enough to open up to me? I still think about it. I tried to share vulnerable things about myself and I was met with him trying to help me, but I left disappointed to how he wouldn't talk about himself. Something was lacking and I tried too hard to change things between us.

[Asker]

I tried to get people to open up more around me, because I almost dread having those superficial relationship. A serious relationship would make him open up, I thought. But as I think about it, his mindset was probably already made from the start. He chose to stay casual and chill with me, which ALWAYS was HIS choice, which is not about me. He never wanted to have more than that, with anyone, for now. If he really did care for me and wanted to at least try and see if we would be a good fit, he wouldn't just tell me "ok, I understand".. But he did, because he never even thought about me in such a way. I remember I said we maybe could try as friends, which he agreed to. He mentioned "life is short and you should concentrate on yourself", which kind of made it seem like he didn't give a f about me staying.. I was always used to him going along with whatever I said, he didn't make much effort to share more himself. Indifferent. He just seemed really confused, because he was like "I like you, but..".. I truly see myself as a person who could give a lot to him, if he only tried. I try to remind myself that he doesn't truly know me or if we would be a good fit, simply because HE chose to not give the effort to find out. Why is it that my brain is wired to constantly make me think I could change a situation? That if I try ONCE more, "I definitely will make it work this time with him"..

[Asker]

A friendship would probably not work, as you are saying. I tried that earlier, but I don't feel like I could ever be just friends with him. He is naturally this flirty guy and I don't know if I could take it if we were friends and he talked to me in that way. I know I would confuse myself every time I would be around him, always enlighting this hope inside of me. I had my 20th birthday a week ago and I remember I was so hopeful about him wanting to hang out and surprise me in a way. In weeks beforehand, I had given him clues about my birthday coming up and even asked him beforehand if he would've liked to hang out on my day. He never even gave me a proper answer, just a "maybe I will get the time".. I knew that is how he is, so I chose to stay silent, only to be met with utter disappointment. He didn't even call me on my day or cared to ask me to hang out or even ask me how my day was. Meanwhile, this other guy I date surprised me with flowers and cake, which made me even more frustrated. I remember I tried to hint about something I wished for, which he said he could pay it for me, but when it came down to buying it for me, he wouldn't give the effort. So nothing happened when I met him for the last time, but I still didn't care to think I deserved better. He is not the romantic person, like you said. He couldn't give the effort to offer me that. I thought he could, based on the intimacy we had, but I managed to fool myself.

[Asker]

I don't expect him to do these huge gestures for me, but I know actions matters before words. He was always good with his words and he said I should always trust his words even though he did something different? It is like he wanted me to think he was in for it all, like I would continue to give him attention.. Which I unfortunately fell into. As you say, the excuses we make just for someone to be there with us, is so easy to fall into. We only truly see it when we choose to take action and stay distant from the person.. They switch between hurting us and making us feel good, which we grow to believe we deserve.. I am glad you were able to shift that mindset and focus on your exes' faults, which is power in itself. Attraction and charm are far from the most important things, but can really mess with our heads. The purpose we make for ourselves is what shapes us into who we are, and if we don't have that purpose we start to feel lost and helpless, maybe dependent on others. And hey, even if you knew that ex of yours for 9 whole years, you definitely know what you should be staying away from in the future. You know what you want and that is shaped by our experiences, so don't regret him giving it to you.

[Asker]

My god, you must know how utterly grateful I am for you choosing to add an opinion to this post. I don't know anyone around me who can really relate to the pain of losing someone you never had. It is so bitter and frustrating that it is easy to fall into this hole and just stay there. I have tried talking to a therapist, but it is a nice way to put thoughts into words, not just for yourself but for another person to read and share an opinion to as well. The amont of respect you now show for yourself, by choosing to listen to him, but not buying into his words, is powerful. I hope you praise yourself for that, really.

[spartan55]

Because he isn't that into you.