What do I do if I have been living a lie all to be what my crush thinks I am? I am not as impressive as he thinks?

[Anonymous]

So basically it all began about 1.5 or more years ago when i was new at my job. One day this 38 year old man walked in the room. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. It feels like every time i tell this story beginning, i start crying. I guess i really am in love. Its sad... That i am in love with him and have been for so long. I had to suppress all my feelings and attraction since the beginning since i found out he is not aligned with my morals and values. And I have been suppressing myself for this whole time. It is what it is. Its good obviously that i am doing this but obviously it is also sad for me internally at times. Anyway, so now that I am done crying I can finish the story... One day he said I look like someone who reads books. I did not confirm or deny. I was secretly very flattered. Nobody especially a guy ever gave me such a compliment. Its a compliment where it can mean so much so many different things and yet its so simple and so particular and ugh i can't even describe it. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU LIKE TO READ. I've never gotten such a flattering compliment. Maybe its because he said it, as well.

I really have not read a book for a long time unless you count college books I was forced to read to pass classes.
Ok i know this sounds so dumb but I really let that little comment of his about me reading blow out of propotion. A long time after that I started to identify as a reader and like even would tell people I read books in my free time. I figured I would buy a few so it would not be a lie but I still haven't been READING to the point where you could call me a "reader."

I am actually more of a writer than a reader. Not a book writer but I am a good writer heck I am writing right now. You'll catch me writing SOMETHING before reading a book that's for sure.

but now i told people at work that i read. And i feel like horrible because i identify as something im not and i have basically lied or at least misled to others about myself.

[caring__1]

You're discovering how deep we can fall when we aren't truthful. Eventually, someone will ask you to name your favorite book or what draws you to a particular genre, and you'll be stuck. People generally don't care what the truth is; they just resent being misled.

You are also discovering the repercussions of allowing yourself to emotionally bond with a person before you truly know the essence of that person. It's hard to let go of that emotional bond when you discover incompatibility exists. If you don't let go, you'll find yourself compromising your own values and becoming what you believe the other is seeking rather than being true to yourself.

You're asking how you can clean up the paint you spilled on your new carpet rather than learning how to protect the carpet before you allow any paint to get close. To move on, we need something to move on to. Without a different focus, we'll continue to fill the void with the last intense memory. You don't necessarily have to replace your crush with another guy. You can find something meaningful to invest in. You can volunteer or join an organization that supports a cause you believe in or an interest of yours. Take an active role in the new focus rather than just be a tagalong. If people ask about what you are reading, let them know you've discovered you are more into writing than reading. Unless you are willing to share your writing, you can also tell them you are a beginner and aren't ready to share your writing, but it's something you look forward to in the future. Make this a learning experience, so you don't continue the same pattern while expecting a different result. I hope you find a path that works well for your real you.

[Hdivrvr]

I appreciate you.

[caring__1]

@Hdivrvr Glad I can be of assistance. Hope it helps.

[MotorcycleMan]

Well, if it comes up, you can say that you just haven't been reading much lately, which isn't a lie.