No mouth kissing but he will go for a neck snuggle, holding my hand or feeding me food if we are eating. I don't feel so comfortable with it so then he will play footsies with me instead. He's super affectionate with them too.
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+1 y
I just want to thank everyone who has weighed in so far.
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+1 y
It was haaaarrrd choosing the MHOs. The convos on this are so amazing! @Ghostluck flicked my balls and got me to calm down. @driven159 amazing! @anon1903 thanks for hearing me out girl. @Sonorous and @Pinay_ako very helpful too. Thanks everybody, even the people who insulted me! This was a very real situation and you guys showed the G@G is a place where people really do help each other. Thank you!
Why does my boyfriend want to make a point of showing affection in front of my kids who aren't his?
I think he's trying to prove to them that he loves you and cares for you. If you're worried just ask your kids what they think of him. If they speak kindly of him then clearly he's doing the right thing.
Most children love their parents. They pick up on a lot more than they let on and also probably see a side of him not even you know about so their judgement could prove valuable. If your kids think he's a good guy then he probably is.
This is my opinion: If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have even brought someone around the kids at all until you were in a relationship with that person.
I don't think it's his fault that he is being nice to the kids. What do you expect him to do; ignore them? Women preach all the time about it being a test of a man's character whether or not he's "good with kids."
We have been in a relationship. They have known him since October last year. We started in November but it was secret from my kids until now. There was a whole lot of drama and a 2 month pause but it's been very much solid since reuniting. This is the forst time they have seen him acting romantically towards me.
He was always nice to my kids. They vetted him first to be honest. We had a business relationship before this.
My issue is that he was feeding me in front of them and wanted to kiss me. Since that's how he usually is with me.
You're kidding right? Must be a troll. He's showing your kids he loves you with those little things and being affectionate with them shows he loves them too. If you're uncomfortable then have a chat in private but how he's being sounds so sweet...
Honestly? I would leave you if you had an issue with it. So because they are not his kids, he has to refrain from showing you affection and allowing your kids to see how a man is supposed to treat a woman? Good grief... if your boyfriend has any balls at all he would get away from you... far away.
Ya can't win. Either men are too closed off and aloof or "why is my boyfriend showing affection" and it happens to be in front of your kids. Because that's what happens in normal and happy families. The father figure is something other than a cold, unfeeling tyrant.
I mean... He's not dicking you down at the dinner table... So to me it sounds like he wants to do normal couple things that aren't dangerous for kids to see... And the cause?
I diagnose him with passionate & affectionate lover syndrome.
Bingo. Such a normal thing. But, I ask to see what his motivations may be. Trust us not easy to gain and very easy to break. People projecting a lot of their biases and seething hatred towards women dating with kids in this answers I'm getting. And just because a man tries to get your kids to lkke him doesn't mean he has any plans on going the long haul. It only serves to up my suspicion. Not make me feel all warm and fuzzy.
Part of it is my problem because he was around my kids before but we weren't an item at that time. Now we are so it's changed.
Ahh okay, thanks for the back story. In this case, I think it would say that his intentions could be pure & instinctual or they could be planned. Don't really know him so say with certainty. And I wouldn't be able to relate to him either way since I'm more like you in this way. But regardless, I think it's your right to be this way. And that he should adapt if he really cares for you. Even better if you communicate with him that you'd wanna take things more slowly if you haven't.
Ahh okay. Then coming from someone who understands relationships a little too well even though they have never been in one, I think your stance is completely fine. I even think it would be completely fine if you had a preference of not being touched unless intimate. Of course, only if it's mutually understood as to not lead anyone on. But it sounds like you're making it mutually understood.
Sounds like he's subconsciously posturing as alpha in the household. As the man of the house he should, he's commanding respect and authority and marking his territory. If that makes you moist down there then you're normal.
November last year but he knew all of us a couple months before that. He has always had a soft spot for them.
It's just ciming off a divorce and so many horrible lying people out there it's hard to trust even when someone feels sincere.
Thanks for this answer. It's just a simple matter of PDA that I need to discuss. If he were my spouse fine but he isn't. It's so irritating asking these questions because people get judgey and rude.
Yes, PDA politics are different here. Also, perosnally as he isn't my husband now, I don't like it. Anyhoo, my son is asking for him now. Again, an attachment is forming which is whatvmy boyfriend wants. He wants my kids to get attached to him. Now, our connection is strong and there are genuine feelings BUT there are other issues that are very problematic and the actual possibility of the relationship is tenuous at best.
The thing is when I take a macro pook at the relaover the past year, it has progressed. I am a very open communicator and don't mind being vulenerable and expressing my worries. He has responded in kind and as such the relationship has gone forward. I told him that I told my mom about the relationship and in response he is trying to really root in. I pulled away some to think and now he's kinda after me a bit. Is this normal?
He's letting the kids know that he likes their mother, which is important if you two settle into a long-term relationship and possibly marriage. Think like a kid. If he likes Mom and Mom likes him, then I (the kid) likes him.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
If you're a decent mother, I'm sure you have your with you the majority of the time, right? Is he just not supposed to act like he's your boyfriend until the kids go to sleep? That seems reasonable to you? I get not wanting your kids to take to him too quickly incase it doesn't work out, if that's what the issue is, that's 100% your fault for bringing him around if you weren't sure about him yet. This is why men don't want to date single moms.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
Would you prefer that he beat you black & blue, punch you in the face, or drag you around the house by the hair? Just asking. I mean if you don't like his affection.
As for why? Use your brain. You're his girlfriend. He is trying to show kids that he cares for you. Not his fault their father (possible multiple) didn't know how to treat a woman.
When I was a kid, I loathed my mother's boyfriend. I got that this meant they were doing more than just being affectionate. It was traumatizing and for years I resented both of them. I don't want to repeat it. Now, my father wasn't in the picture but my children's father very much is. It's a scary place for me. There is so much right and so much that is wrong at the same time. I don't like how much I miss him when we part. I don't know if it's my issues and past stuff making me doubt or if it's him. I think he's hiding little things so as not to upset me. And it is disturbing for me because this is the type of pressure I was under growing up when I felt on edge. But then sometimes he is doing something dumb. And he never really gets pissed at me.
Normal relationships don't have the push pull dynamic and of I'm pissed he gives me space and let's me come back to him. This again makes me feel like he is certainly up to some evil plot. Then I just want to escape from my own self. I don't want to say this to him because then he will know just how nuts I am. (He actually already does).
He is very vulnerable with me as well. I don't know if I'm looking for problems. I know I have a problem with splitting people all bad and they are rarely ever all good.
He is so focused on connecting with my kids. He loved them before me honesty, but it still makes me wary because my Dad would try to get in good with his myriad girlfriend's kids and never stayed with anyone. I haven't seen much in my life to make me trust anyone.
You need to know he means well. I'm sure you don't still hate your stepparent. Your kids won't either, as they mature and understand that he did the best he could to ensure a wonderful life with you guys.
wants to make sure the kids know he cares for you be happy could do a lot worse could have a guy that doesn't give a shit about any of you if that will make you happier, but you can always dump him if that's such a big deal I am sure he can find one that likes the affection
I really hated my mom's boyfriend and resented her for the PDA is saw with them because he wasn't my Dad. I just don't want my kids having those awful emotions. Their dad is active in their lives unlike mine who was basically a deadbeat. My mom is still with her partner more than 40 years later and we are beyond cool now but it really had a very truamatizing effect on me. People are really not understanding of that side of things. Jut a lot of vitirol. But anyway G@Gers love to be particulary hateful on single or divorced mother posts.
@DermalPunch If that is how you truly feel about it, then you obviously don't need to be dating, because your mentality of the situation isn't fair to him... at all. The way you felt toward your mother's boyfriend was your own personal issue that should have been corrected when you were a kid. You don't get to control your parents. You don't get to decide that your parents can't be happy because they are no longer together. Your mother's only mistake was not setting you straight when you had an attitude over it. She should have nipped that in the bud, because that is something that should have never "truamatized" you and you are projecting on to your kids. If you don't change you way of thinking, you are going to have a VERY hard time finding a man who will stay with you very long and you are going to end up growing old before you finally find happiness.
@DermalPunch It's too late now, but maybe you should have told your mother about it. It might have helped you tremendously if you and her could have talked and learned each other's point of view. Had you talked to her, you might not have felt so traumatized. Hell, it might even help to talk to her now about it, assuming she is still alive, which I hope she is. Because right now, it sounds to me like you could use her advice once you let her know how you felt as a teen, a hell of a lot more than you need our advice, since none of us know you and only have assumptions and what you wrote to go off of.
@Ghostluck plenty of people answered the question withiut the accusatory language and assumptions. FYI he is now one of the dearest people to me. Any normal mother wants to minimize their children's pain. Thanks for taking the time to share your perspective.
@Ghostluck yeah the other half of the night he was being shady AF on his phone. And Inam awful for not wanting him to do PDA and suck up to my kids? Can you stop busting my (figurative) balls so hard now?
@DermalPunch Well, if he is being shady on his phone, that's a whole new issue. And I didn't mean to bust your balls quite as hard as I did. I just meant to flick them a little, lol.
@Ghostluck we sorted out the phone thing. And he said something shockingly mature abiut the whole situation. This guy jas my whole f-ing number. It's scary man.
Your inability as a child to accept your mom moving on from your dad and having a new boyfriend should not be projected onto your children. Just because you didn't like something in the past doesn't mean it's wrong, you were wrong. You're going to push this guy away because you won't let him into your life. If you will never feel comfortable with another man in front of your kids then maybe you should go back to their father, and stop leading your boyfriend on and getting his hopes up thinking that he's going to be part of your life.
Going back to their father would be a mistake and that relationship was over long before he came into the picture. I guess it just feels like he wants to root in and I'm just not trusting of whether it's for him to feel good in the moment or to lay a groundwork.
I read some of your comments and it sounds like you are suspicious that this guy is some kind of psychological manipulator. If he's sneaky, mysterious, hides things from you, and you have a guy feeling of mistrust, then you are probably right to not let him into your life.
Oh, we sorted out the phone issue. Also, I am suspicious that everyone is a psychological manipulator. I am working on my paranoia.
There were a lot of men to choose from and no one showed up in a real way except him. He isn't perfect but as you can see neither am I. I can't be afraid. I also know when it's time to go.
I mean you don’t want your kids to have a good example of how to showing affection. I wasn’t raised in a affectionate family and my girlfriend hate’s it
well, you did not specify he is the same person and I did not pay attention enough to actually realize that it is the same person
but now that you have, yes... it makes sense, some of them can be very skilled at that... they will act like angels around your kids, your parents, your friends, your neighbors, and when it is just the two of you, comes the switch
I'm not in North America. The mentality is very different. Your son is my son type of communal attitude so know this wouldn't be an issue. He had a bad couple of weeks and he is better now. He really appreciated my support.
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