I've met so many guys who have no confidence. Guys, what's the problem?

Question

I always hear how girls have no confidence, and guys ask, "what's the matter with you girls?" Well, I've met so many guys who have no confidence. What's the problem with you? Tell me, and I will tell you why you have no reason to feel this way.

freakyzeaky · Accepted Answer

I mostly only have low confidence in social situations and that includes dating. Why? Well mostly from childhood traumas. I was obese for most of my childhood and bullied for it. I became a very intense person who became very standoffish and intimidating used that as a defense against anyone who might bully me. I am still obese (327 lbs. at 6'1") but I am working on it (lost over 40 lbs. in 3 months) by dieting and lifting weights. I am actually quite handsome and carry my weight well (been told that by some friends).

I tried to approach a girl while I was in elementary school to tell her she was pretty but she slapped me in front of all the other kids. I can remember the slap vividly, but not much else about it.

I was sexually abused by a neighbor at around 8 years old. Don't want to go into it, but guys being sexually abused are more common than you think and many try to bury it for fear of it making them seem flawed or weak.

I was shy and afraid of failure in my youth. One of my report cards which my mother still has from 1st grade actually said that I was "fearful of failure". I hated going to school in 1st grade. They sat me with kids that were in 6th grade during lunch hour and they would tease me for being so quiet. I used to beg my teacher to let me go home; one time she locked me up in a recess equipment room in the dark. That caused me to be afraid of the dark until I was exposed to horror movies and I embraced the fear (around age 10).

I used to cry myself to sleep at night during my middle school years for not being able to talk to girls. I yearned for it so deeply; most of my peers were mingling and having early relationships.

In high school I was a ghost. Slept in class but still managed to get decent grades and do well on tests. My teachers would just let me sleep and call out sick. I'd hook like crazy. My friends during that time were users and liars. I eventually dropped out, got my GED and then my AS in Computer Science.

Currently working on my BS in Cybersecurity, have my own house, truck, working on fitness, reading spiritual books, dressing sharp, and doing whatever I can to improve my life.

We can come a long way, we can overcome so much, but no one cares about your journey, they only care about how you make them feel and what you can do for them. That is the way of the world. I wish I didn't have the trust issues I have, but I want so much to be vulnerable with that one woman who desires me. C'est la vie.

Asailum · Accepted Answer

I agree with what your getting at. Men are in general very unconfident in society today and its a complex thing...

At the end of the day though, everyone is responsible for where they get and who they become, so its not a question of "why aren't you confident" but "how are you going about to grow?"

Brando · Answer

True self-confidence (the kind that it takes to be approaching ladies) isn't really taught, understood, easy to grasp for people, guys included. That isn't for or against guys, it's just a statement.

Most people that are young don't have too solid of footing when it comes to matters of our self-image and mentality. There are many different reasons why a person might not feel up to the challenge: nervousness/anxiety, low self image, always witnessing classes/leagues in dating, not measuring up to what you see the girl usually dating, assumptions about her standards and that you don't fit into them, feeling like you have nothin to offer, feeling like chasing after a certain person (usually those "out of your league" people) will lead to pain and heartache, and other issues like that.

I think something is wrong with most people, not just guys. There seems to be this emotional wall that people build up to keep strangers out, there is a lack of any real courting method anymore. This might be a good thing because it sheds old ways but what has replaced it? What are the guys if our generation supposed to fill that spot with? We hear "I want a nice guy" but see nothing but pickup artists, flings, and bad boys. I'm not being affected by stuff like that, so I'm only speaking vicariously. But when we aren't letting our boys know how to feel strong about themselves and how to be comfortable chasing a lady, then...well, he's not going to chase her. That's what I see the most with guys our age- we just don't know or don't feel comfortable approaching girls. Just the thought of approaching girls is a brave thought.

So for the guys that get shot down by girls, say the wrong things, figure out the right things to say, and just generally get their stuff together- they're the ones doing good. But they're rare and the rest of guys are still out wondering how this whole dating thing works.

I got lost typing this on my phone, so it may not even be too on topic lol. Once I start typing I can't stop.

Quadrophonic84 · Answer

I went down jacksparrow55's list and I've had probably 7 of those. I have my moments when mentally I'm in the zone and I'm feeling like "the man". But there are subconscious forces at work here, namely behavioral conditioning. Your brain learns things constantly whether or not you consciously realize it, and those learned things shape your attitudes and influence your behavior in ways you are not consciously aware of. And anyway, being aware is overrated for many of us. The fact is that the more thoughtful you are and the more likely you are to look for meaning in your interactions with other people, the more likely you are to find a problem with yourself causing those poor interactions. In my case, I've had a horrible time of it since my last relationship ended 2 years ago. I have gone out with dozens of women and the ones I like tend to just disappear after a few dates, even ones that felt really good to me. I have heard this about a dozen times in the last couple years as well: "Well I just wanted to let you know that we can't go out anymore because I met this guy and we're going to be serious now." And those are just the ones who felt they should tell me about it. I'm not a top tier guy to the average woman. I get it.

I suppose now my issue isn't so much confidence. It's ambivalence and apathy. I don't believe I'm going to get married. I don't want children. I don't even think I'd be any good in a relationship long term because of mental/emotional blocks that bleed into all aspects of my life. You say "ok so fix it" which sounds great on the outset, but to someone like me who has undergone therapy multiple times and only finds his problems increasing, it seems facile. Actually it underlines the idea that many guys like me get, that most women just cannot understand what the pressure of being the aggressor is like in the face of constant failure. It is one of life's cruel facts that when a man and woman break up, the woman can go out and have a rebound immediately by raising her hand in a bar, but the man is stuck in a cycle of isolation. He's down, he can't attract a woman because of it, he gets further down.

Humans are animals, like monkeys, bears, sharks, and all other wild animals. Those animals basically die if they stop moving, stop mating, stop hunting. Given society most of us don't worry about our next meal. But failure still takes its toll. Think about Mazlow's hierarchy of needs - just because the items at the bottom are fulfilled doesn't mean that the pressure to fulfill the next level's items isn't just as tough. In fact, it may even be tougher. When a man has people constantly telling him how great he is yet he cannot find a good mate and woman after woman rejects him and often cons him too, he concludes that there is no point in getting close anyway. Behavioral conditioning combined with an enlarged cerebral cortex is a formidable obstacle. Just because it all happens between my ears doesn't make it less of an obstacle.

Trend-Shatterer · Answer

My problem falls in the fact that confidence isn’t part of my DNA.

Loads of people have come my way and each have hurt more than the next.

Cheating, lying, manipulation, deception, it all has fallen on me. I’m no saint by any means but I’m 100% sure I have that heart and capability to love someone- at the expense of confidence.

Too many people are living lives in the past. Working to “better” men. All men and women from birth to death have every right to be who they wish to be. Sometimes, shyness is a trait. Not a thing to correct. Tomboys exist and we never really shed any light on why women need to lower their testosterone levels; it’s normal to people.

The moment a guy is seen as disconnected from his masculinity or his manhood/confidence is the same moment neglect occurs.

Men can be masculine. Men can be feminine.
Women can be masculine. Women can be feminine. Too many people are trying to find “attractive men” when those hunky-fucks of the past aren’t there anymore; we as a species are growing to be less in touch with those traits and attributes.

Why did I say all this? Because men truly are the ones waiting for women to cycle out of this thought that a lack of confidence is bad- because it isn’t. The moment all men and women stop looking for confidence and people who lack an understanding of compassion or love is the same moment y’all will find better people.

I’m not sexist, but women really do think things are on an even playing field. You want masculine men? Hit up your local factory and apply or go work for another hard working company. Masculinity on a genetic level is fading and same for femininity. You guys have to stop pushing as hard as you do to find traits and shit in people and you just need to find someone you love who also loves you. I don’t look for sex and physical traits from a woman and it should be the same globally. Who cares if she’s fat; she has a heart capable of loving too. Why would I discount her identity because she struggled at one point? Society is deplorable.

Yeahhbro · Answer

There are many factors of why lot of men don't have self-confidence and are scared of women

1) Growing up with a dominating and initimidating mother.

2) Growing up with a father who wasn't there to teach him about this stuff, much less if he doesn't know how to get girls any ways.

3) The first experienced that the guy ever had with a girl was a bad one. Probably rejection or humilliation. Since there it became what I call a funnel effect, any experience since then became more and more like the first one and as the time passed by his perception of women became worse.

4) Constant rejections very few wins.

5) He does not feet on the stereotypical male. Tall, handsome, sporty, smart, popular, dominant witty and so on and so forth. Therefore he believes he has no chance competing with other who do feet the stereotype.

6) Women don't give him a chance. Women love to also categorized men on certain schemas, if a guy doesn't fee tin the attractive schema, he is very likely not going to get any attention of girls, even if he tries hard enough.

7) The fact that women play games or tests if you want to call it that to make things more politically correct, makes things even moooore complicated for men with no self-confidence as they are not like the other men with self-confidence who know what they are doing and are resilient, as they see it more like a game. A guy with no self-confidence or shy or whatever thinks the girl doesn't like him and leaves even though she may have like him in the first place.

These men for the most part believe however that relationships are based on other factors more than chasing, like friendship and the like.

8) There are abusive men with no self-confidence though, although these are rare, these are men that abuse women for the sake of feeling superior, perhaps because of an abusive mother.

whitarkness · Answer

I think girls think that guys have no confidence in dating have no confidence in achieving anything else. It is how uneducated girls are. Everyone gets nervous when they jump out of their comfort zone and try something new. Some people are lucky that they have built experience of talking to a person of opposite sex but others are not. Some people may be a millionaire but never had a single girlfriend. Some people may be extremely confident and know how to talk to girls naturally but have nothing to offer except for just a smooth talk. I do not know why girls who talk to multiple guys never approach or disrespect guys have no confidence, I know confidence is a merit but I cannot figure out how a lack of confidence would harm anything in a relationship or even just in a conversation. Besides, in a relationship if you want a guy who is funny, generous, rich, or smart... not having confidence does not mean the person do not process any of the such qualities. You girls always fall for fake confident guys who use confidence only to get you but whom in fact are not interesting at all. I am sick of this situation that girls would spend a long time talking to a stranger who approached to her but ignore the shy ones whom they each other actually like. This is hopeless and I do not know what girls want.

Yurzman · Answer

I have no confidence because at 26 I have never had a relationship. I feel pathetic that at my age I would just be learning things that most people learned a long time ago. After being constantly bullied throughout school I don't see how any woman could ever want a guy who is just figuring thing out. Perhaps after being rejected by most of my peers for so long is what has driven me to succeed academically and in a career (I just graduated with a masters in biomedical engineering and have bachelors degrees in mechanical engineering and nuclear engineering) and am now starting medical school. I am also presently a design engineer at ford while I finish med school. I also go to the gym almost everyday to stay in shape. In my heart I know that a quality girl probably wouldn't place too much importance on academic, professional, or personal achievements when it comes to deciding if she would be with a guy, yet that is where I place most of my energies. I know that relationships are based on how you make the other person feel and not achievements. I just don't know how. After enough bad experiences it begins to break your psyche. I don't blame women for my problems. I just don't know how to fix them. Sometimes I even feel twice as pathetic for being able to teach myself advanced calculus, physics, organic chemistry, and engineering concepts, qualify for Mensa, but yet not being able to connect with women on a romantic level.

So in direct response to your question for me the two concepts of dating and confidence are not distinct entities, but rather very much an integral factor that is directly proportional to the success one has. It is not possible (at least in my mind) to have one without the other. Mating is something we are all programmed to do, so despite all other achievements in life if you struggle to find true acceptance it only gets worse. I feel like the Greek figure tantalus in that I am in a land of plenty but unable to partake in it's fruits.

Kifn2 · Answer

I'm a good looking guy with a decent job and relatively stable life, but I have zero confidence in developing romantic relationships. Reasons: I've been on hundreds of dates (conservatively close to 700) and no matter what the circumstances or what I do they all reject me at some point. I've seenever it play out so many times that unconsciously I know what's going to happen before it does. More often than not, the point at which they reject me is when I expose my personality in some way, either by accident or on purpose. Sometimes it'll come out on the first 10 seconds, sometimes 10 days, but as soon as they get a taste of my real personality, they go running.

I've changed a lot over the years and I'm now in the best shape of my life but the reactions stay the same. I try not to date, but it's hard to say no when a cute girl asks you out or is obviously interested. So I will still go on dates and stuff, but the reactions are always the same.

Also, is not like girls make me nervous or anything. It's just a certainty that therected isn't much else I can do and life sucks for me, i. e. fatalism.

max21212 · Answer

Its a particular type of confidence. I'm confinent to do anything. I've alway prided myself in being able to talk to everyone. I can face any fear, fight any battle, face and foe, be strong but also compassionate. I'm successful in school, business, life in general, thanks to my confidence. However when it comes to girls I have none. All the years of rejection no matter how low standards were lowered, not to mention never finding anyone with a particular interest in getting to know me just the other way around. Grew tired of putting myself out there only to be ignored or tossed like some sort of refuse. Some become bitter from this and try to blame woman. I know its not their fault, there can't be something wrong with all woman. obviously just something wrong with me. I must just be deficient of something. I guess some people are just meant to die alone. Its gotten to the point that the idea of the opposite sex wanting anything to do with me relationship wise is laughable, like i literally laugh its that silly.

Hrnek · Answer

Hi,
confidence is like the hardest quality to gain because it boils down to so many things that some people have it much harder. Like life itself. There are individuals who think they are bosses because they can drink 8 bears a night, every night. So he goes out and feel like he is the shit. On the other hand, if you are intelligent and think you can be anything, a billionaire, loved by everyone, respected, well educated but you are a loser who still lives with his parents, only job was waiting tables to get some cash, you will feel like shit.

Personally, I have total WUSS father. He is so lame I can not describe it. He has some good qualities like willing to help but he has no idea how to help. My mother on the other hand is this woman with 22 years of experience in higher management, she just crushes him in everything. So I have no strong male role model, I modeled myself subconsciously after my mom and now I am empathic, sensitive, used to be a pushover but worked on that, I have no drive, only for sports.

AndyTheG · Answer

I know this is not an answer to your question, but I want to say that I really respect you for coming here and trying to help people with their problems.  We're in the same boat, sharing frustration at the (often unjustified) lack of confidence in others, lack of willingness to step out...so hats off to you for fighting the good fight! :D

RedThread78 · Answer

This is something I've never understood either. I rarely if ever fall for a girl but once I do I can't see myself without her... I'd do anything to hold onto her my whole life. Of course that includes being confident and honest for her to notice and acknowledge you. <3

anon1111 · Answer

A lot of it has its roots in peer development in childhood.

Guys who are different from their peers growing up (shorter, skinnier, fatter, taller, different ethnicity, etc) tend to get picked on which makes them less confident. As they grow up, this lack of confidence perpetuates itself by making them shy and unable to talk to people well (especially girls), stunting their social development which creates additional lack of confidence, and the cycle repeats. This is a very hard cycle to escape and sometimes can last all through adulthood for some guys.

Nikie · Answer

I feel like if I approach a girl, I'm going to scare her away or creep her out. I grew up in an abusive household and my self-worth is total garbage. While I love people and desire to be with someone, it's very difficult when I feel I wouldn't be anything but a burden on them anyway. Another thing to add to the confidence issue was that in high school I was severely overweight (325 pounds, to be exact) and even though I go to the gym and weight 185 pounds now (At 6'3", if that puts anything into perspective) the scars from kids bashing me for my weight still run deep.

That's why I have no confidence in myself.

MrWrong · Answer

It's not that I don't have confidence, it's that I don't trust easily. I'm not shy, I'm just guarded. After having been lied to by every woman I've ever let close, except my sister, there are few people out there I'd be willing to trust. Half the girls I do go after end up only being interested in fwb, and I'm looking for a serious relationship. I pretty much stopped dating in college because of that.

I'm not one of those guys that whines because women don't make the first move. I agree that men should.

GoodMemory32 · Answer

Woman, it's hard to hit the jackpot the first time. Let me ask this, did you have confidence when you had sex the first time? If you did, amen, but in dating, confidence is slow to build. Guys have to f*** up a lot of times before we get it right and with the add on with feminist culture that just adds to how lightly we have to tread to make sure we don't mess things up. Give the guy a pat on the back every once in a while. Get over that hurdle of the awkward questions and strange fears. Just go straight to the communication. You're not getting any younger. Good luck with the dates, B.

Armada · Answer

How the hell is your confidence NOT affected by your dating "situation".If you have low self-esteem and you already have a significant other, that to me just means you were willing to "settle for less" and aren't truly happy. I understand your intentions but I don't think you know what are talking about. My parents don't give a f*** what people think because they are married lol. I have pretty high self-esteem when it comes to anything besides women.

Shaun · Answer

There aren't very many opportunities for young men to build confidence these days. Men gain confidence through success.

Career success, the economy is in the toilet with no end in sight.

Romantic success, so many women are players and users.

Anonymous · Answer

My biggest confidence killer is the fact I have a driving phobia, I've tried for 6 years to get over it but have not been successful, driving is such a common thing that it's expected from people that you can do it, and if you can't then your some type of retarded loser.

I would love to go up to a girl and ask her out and say would you like me to pick you up and drop you off (generally said after the first date or 2).

The girls I have spoken to and asked about the male driving are pretty much unanimous about it's the guys duty to drive when they are together, in a relationship or not.

Connah · Answer

Probably a dead thread but I'll chime in
For me, it comes from being naturally shy which became social anxiety and depression followed with other things. Should probably be in an asylum. And bullying. Lots of bullying. I learned to believe all the things they said and to this day I hate on myself. And when the whole crushing on girls thing started I kept to myself as usual and didn't even bother. Here and there some girls would pretend to like me to play a joke on me and make their friends laugh. Or the friends would start a rumor that I liked one of them and then their social status was put in real danger. It was pretty dumb, once got made a team captain because the teacher didn't like seeing me sit in the stands all the time during P. E. and to get it over with I picked people quickly and one was this girl who was convinced that it was because I liked her and kept telling me to stop even though I didn't.

TinyTavine · Answer

I have no confidence, but I think I know why... When I was little, growing up in elementary and middle school, and some early parts of high school, I easy very attractive at all. I was able to accept it and I didn't really care. Once puberty hit, I became tall, my muscles began to expand and show more, and I I just looked vey attractive in general! Girls were telling me on a scale of 1 to 10, almost all said I was a 10... Now I have no confidence because im not use to this new "social world" and I get very awkward... My awkwardness is what stumps my confidence

I've met so many guys who have no confidence. Guys, what's the problem?

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