Is this a red flag?

[simsx]

So my boyfriend makes quite a few jokes about hitting me. My boyfriend is very very ripped, 6ft3 and just overall a lot dominant and stronger than I am. But the thing is, he let's me know it all the time. He's constantly talking about "knocking out" any guy in my life, even my brother. Then recently we've been getting into arguments about my male friends, me living out, going clubbing. The thing is, I'm starting University, and so the first week is a time to get to know everyone, and in British culture that means clubbing. There's clubs at the campus and so I've tried to explain to him that I'll only go for that week, to make friends etc, and get to know the people at my uni. Then he starts to try and make me jealous, as he was a huge playboy from 18-20 years old, and so he constantly tells me stories about women. Now he's even saying "well if your going clubbing, then so am I", but he says it in a way to rub in the fact that he has women falling at his feet, just to spite me. Then he asks me outrageous questions and when I ask, "would I be allowed to do the same if it was the other way around?", he talks about how he'd hit me. Today he said, "I'd knock your head in with a baseball bat". Then he also talks about how he'd "break my bones", "give me a black eye", "punch my jaw in", if I ever did something he didn't want me doing. He's very controlling and possessive as a person, and normally I can understand that to an extent. But tonight we were on the phone, and he all of a sudden told me to stop talking because he was overthinking about something "I might do when I'm living out", and how he doesn't trust me. He only started talking after half an hour of silence. Then when I no longer wanted to engage in any conversations with him, after he had just ignored me for 30 minutes, he got angry and put the phone down on me. But then he also talks about how he'd never treat a women wrong, due to his mother and sisters.

Updates

+1 y

I had a friend call me the other night, crying, telling me he beat up his girlfriend. My boyfriend was disgusted when I told him, and doesn't want me speaking to that friend anymore either, because of what he did. So I don't understand.

Updates

+1 y

Also, my dad is a woman beater, and my boyfriend knows this, and knew how hard it was for me. He appears heartbroken for me, and reassures me that he'd never do that to a woman, but his jokes are rubbing me the wrong way.

[Guy13]

It sounds like he doing everything he can to control your life. And to designate himself as the only important thing in your life. It is really shocking the way he threatened your brother and is trying to separate you from family. He sounds like he has violent tendencies and overly controlling. Are you sure he is your type?

[simsx]

Obviously he's not all bad, he's sweet and caring and has a huge heart. I don't usually mind the controlling type to an extent, as I myself am quite possessive. But the relationship is relatively new, and he's very insecure over my ex boyfriend as I initially chose my ex over my current boyfriend around 8 months ago. So I can understand where some of his insecurities come from. But he even says that he knows I'm not that type of girl, as I've never been the type to be promiscuous, or have multiple sexual relations. So he knows exactly the type of person I am, which is why I can't understand some of his behaviour. He's just a very "I'm an alpha male" type of guy, and thrives off the fact that he deems himself "untouchable". But I knew this when I entered the relationship. I'm just a bit more concerned over the "power" he believes he has on me, and if he would ever act on what he says.

[Guy13]

I am Alpha male too, “prudish, university scholarship athlete described as “eye candy” etc…. I woukd not do the things he does. He obviously does not trust your judgment. And I’m guessing he does not know for sure whether you are promiscuous or not. He certainly has doubts.🤷🏻‍♂️ Are you going to stay attached to him?

[Anonymous]

I honestly would say they are. I don't think beating a partner is any joking matter more sk when you take into account your past.

Also how he seems to be upset with you going to clubs is to controling I'd say. As well as how he seems to want to go out as well just because you are. He does seem somewhat insecure and well tbh there is no reason not to trust you to go to clubs at any point you want. It's your life and a partner should respect that.

If I had a partner going to clubs I wouldn't mind all I'd probably ask is that they would let me know they got home safely, and also contacted me if they were stuck for a lift. I've gone out at all times to pick friends up as I wouldn't want to leave them stranded in a city. I also don't think this is controling but just caring. I hope I'm right about that tho.

[simsx]

Honestly, I myself wouldn't be too thrilled with my partner going clubbing. The reason I'm trying to explain to him is that, as he's older than me he's been able to experience things I haven't yet. It's also just an opportunity for me to meet friends, as I'm starting in a new city. It's called "freshers week" in the UK, and very important for uni life. My boyfriend attended them when he started uni and so I was hoping he'd be understanding. To try and make him feel better I also offered him to come with me, and stay with me for that week. But he still refuses to let me go.

[simsx]

The only options I can think of is: 1. Stand my ground and insist on going, but that will follow consistent arguments and him ignoring me.
2. Listen to him and not go, then maybe regret it in the future. Which I don't want to do and have a rift between us.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand the importance I live in the UK as well and most of my friends went to Uni.

This is actually important for experiencing part of life and also for making friends which will be important. You'll need friends with how stressful university can be.

I also think it would be rather immature to argue as often as implied and to ignore you. You are your own person and he should be able to respect your decisions and trust that you'll be true to your relationship.

It could be worth saying how he's already experienced this and it's something you want to do. And honestly I don't know why he doesn't seem to like your compromise of inviting him along.

I wish I could provide more advice but sadly I can only say from what I believe of relationships and what I've seen if my close friends.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for MHO, I'm glad my answer helped.

[jennifer_bloom]

I would break up with him, he sounds like he is fantasizing about hurting you and might do it.

[TheMajesticKing777]

You never know anymore, people can catch someone off guard nowadays, doesn't seem like he would cause I think he probably would've done it by now but I don't know how wife beaters work so I can really tell you for sure

[Effably]

A red flag? You've got a whole bag of them.

Even if red is your favourite colour, I'd leave. An insecure and violent guy with a constant need for validation isn't rare but a bad combo.

[Jamie05rhs]

Please break up with him. Immediately. Block him and never go back.
This is SERIOUS.

[KrakenAttackin]

TL;DR. Some other guy will be balls deep in you two weeks after your start "clubbing" in college.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a real piece of shit, which is probably why you like him.

[Scorpionn_l]

Can you send me a message?

[Nahid1707]

Yes. Well done on noticing and remember red flags.

[Anonymous]

I assume he was the one who asked you out

[In_Trance]

yeah