Why did my crush agree to go out and then tell me he needs space?

[Anonymous]

I finally bit the bullet and asked out my guy from who I've had flirty encounters with for awhile now. He said yes and acted really excited initially. He even told me everything's fine and I can stop worrying. Now, my last relationship was abusive and I get really triggered by long periods of time with no responses to texts. I do sometimes text too much in a moment of panic. Yesterday he told me I message too much and that he needs space right now. He also told me I confuse him and he's starting to stress out. I asked him what he wants and he said "what do I want? I don't know what that means.. you said you wanted to be friends and we are." Why is he pulling back, and what can I do? He's always been flirty with me and I usually freeze. He has told me that causes doubt. What does all of this even mean? I just want to make it better.

[FilmGuy93]

He agreed to go out with you because he liked you, but now your behavior is overwhelming him.

[Asker]

So what do I do now? We talked a little yesterday morning and he said he wanted space. We haven't talked since.

[FilmGuy93]

Keep giving him space lol probably for like a week or so. Don’t hit him up before then

[Asker]

So my behavior could've made him act like he was never excited even? He told me "you said you wanted to be friends and we are." He said I confuse him and he's starting to stress a little, and that he just needs space right now. It was like complete opposite of the night I asked him out. I wouldn't ask a platonic male friend out to drinks. That only leaves room for confusion.

[FilmGuy93]

The problem is that you were being inconsistent and super intense. You asked him out on a date, and then didn't keep the same assertive energy going on the date, which made him wonder if your date was actually a date. Now you're being super clingy and pushy with your texting, despite coming across like you only wanted to be friends.

[Asker]

We didn't even go on the date yet. We were just talking about going and figuring out when we'd have time. He has to work on his house for a bit to get some things done so we didn't have a set date yet. I let him know that I'll be gone for a couple of weekends on a hunting trip and he wished me good luck. Then I panicked cuz he didn't say anymore on getting together, and I worry about being stood up or used.

[FilmGuy93]

It sounds like you really need to take some time to get that anxiety of your's under control.

[Asker]

I had an extremely abusive ex. I work on myself every day. I just don't want to have the wrong idea. If he doesn't want to go out he doesn't have to, or if it's a platonic thing then make sure I know that. It's kinda like, I sabotage unintentionally because it's easier to hurt my own feelings then let someone else have that control.

[FilmGuy93]

Unfortunately, getting to the point of being able to take that risk is a huge part of developing your relationships.

[Asker]

I understand that. I really only seem to have this issue with him. I've never opened up about my feelings, and I always wonder what he sees us as. That uncertainty leaves me putting up walls and self sabotaging.

[BarryLiverstone]

You can find another guy. He clearly told you that he is your friend so he isn’t signing up to date you.

[Asker]

He told me that I told him I wanted to be friends and we are. If he only has platonic feelings why does he flirts all the time and hold my hand and tell me he actually thinks I'm cute? And why accept an invitation to go out together and grab drinks?

[BarryLiverstone]

Because he may have more than platonic feelings but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He may like touching you and flirting but he isn’t willing to be your boyfriend. Does that make sense?

[Asker]

That does, but it's also not fair. If you don't want to date someone you shouldn't mess with their feelings. At the very least make it clear you just like casual flirting, and probably don't accept a date offer.

[BarryLiverstone]

It’s def not fair but if he was honest and said he wants benefits but no relationship would you hold his hand anymore?

[Asker]

I sure wouldn't. But why agree to the date then? If you only want benefits wouldn't you just say no or ignore the offer?

[BarryLiverstone]

Because he gets benefits on the date. He gets to touch you and possibly kiss you or more and doesn’t need to step up like a real boyfriend does.

[WhitneySnow]

I think he thinks you’re being too clingy

Wym by freeze?

[Asker]

Like, in the past he's held my hand, brought up going on a date, told me he actually thinks I'm cute, etc. Every time he does these things I choke and say nothing, and then eventually change the subject.

[WhitneySnow]

That’s why you’re confusing him. He thinks you don’t like him like him.

[Asker]

So what do I do now? He wants space and is acting like his excitement never happened. Like I'm talking to two different people. I'm confident my anxiety and over messaging would all end if admitted my own feelings. I get anxious because I don't know how to act. Like, is he cool with flirting or it's only platonic? That's my biggest stress.

[WhitneySnow]

Talk to him. Tell him why you freeze. Explain that it’s not him.

[Asker]

I don't want to message again when he asked for space. I don't know how long to wait.

[WhitneySnow]

Don’t give it too long or he really will lose interest. You need to talk to him.

[Asker]

So how long do I wait? I feel like at this point if I message it'll be disrespectful of his request.

[WhitneySnow]

Give it a few days

[Asker]

Also, I've told him that I freeze because I question if he means what he says. I also admitted it's partly my own trust issues. He said "that's why you need to stop caring so much about what other people think, or what you said, because it causes nothing but doubt and makes it socially awkward.

[WhitneySnow]

Oh! You’re that girl. The one with the doubt. Well he’s not wrong. You do gotta be careful though.

[Asker]

Yes, I finally made a move and somehow it went from unexpectedly good to unexpectedly bad in the course of a few days. What do you mean by be careful?

[WhitneySnow]

Some guys will try and play you

[Asker]

I've asked him to be honest so many times and he says he is. I even asked if there's ever been anything that he's said to be drunk that he didn't mean to say? (He's an introvert and flirts more when drinking). He said nope.

[WhitneySnow]

Tell him you really like him and you don’t wanna confuse him. Tell him he can ask you anything he wants and you’ll answer honestly. Guys like straight up talk like that.

[Asker]

I told him the other day that he could ask me anything. That I'm willing to talk and clarify any confusion. He said what would help right now is just space. I just don't get why he went from excited to saying it was no big deal to grab drinks. I feel like he would've known it wasn't a platonic thing. Unless I have it all wrong. But his whole way of texting even got cuter, more emojis and excited punctuation immediately.

[WhitneySnow]

Then I’m really confused too. Sorry girl. Sounds like you’ve tried everything. I guess just give him space and try again in a week or two.

[Asker]

I just feel terrible for coming off clingy. I was just excited and confused. I don't want him to hate me. 😞

[WhitneySnow]

I don’t think he hates you. He just wants space.

[Asker]

Does that mean no contact? I've never done this before unless it was my ex giving me the silent treatment. I want to be respectful. It's been no contact for a couple days. I would like to apologize for my behavior, but won't that look more clingy?

[WhitneySnow]

No contact for now. Try again in a week or two or if he contacts you.