My boyfriend asked me for space, should I still reach him to talk or just let him look for me?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I had a very attached relationship for 3 months all of the sudden some family issues came to his life and he says he likes to be alone when he has problems and that he needs some space. I asked him if that includes not talking everyday and he said that we can talk but usually I send him 4-5 text a day and he only responds when I text and most of the time with short answers. One side of me tells me he wants to end up the relationship but its just waiting for me to do it the other side tell me just be patient till he settles down his life back. what should I do should I keep texting him at least so he knows I'm still by his side or should I stop reaching him all the time?

[Mikespence03]

I wouldn't necessarily interpret his lack of texting or phone initiative or his mono-syllabic responses to your texts as some sort of passive-aggressive signal that he wants you to end the relationship.

It COULD be that, but it seems as, or even more, likely that he is being totally upfront with you and just needs some space to work some things through.

It's a classic male thing that, for many men, is really true: when they're bothered, their response is to lock things down, "maintain an even strain," and go a bit solitary until they've worked things through to their satisfaction. Of course, in this age of hyper-communication, this can drive those close to them crazy with wondering what's going on inside them. Nonetheless, it's not an unusual approach for a guy to take at all.

To try to differentiate between the two options I'd lean on your previous experience with him.

For example, has he been totally open and free and frequent and deep in his communications with you UNTIL NOW (or at least more open and communicative than your standard-issue young man)? In which case his request for space represents a huge change in his behavior. If so, you might be right about his wanting YOU to end it, but it would be a pretty chicken-sh*t passive-aggressive way to go about it (in my opinion). If he hasn't shown a pattern of wanting to avoid responsibility by resorting to passive-aggressive tactics in other areas of your relationship I would think it unlikely that he'd suddenly change his whole way of relating with you.

Or... Has he always played certain things -- like strong, private, negative emotions (which I suppose he's feeling because of his family drama) -- pretty close to his vest? In which case, I think he's just leveling with you and being honest about his preferences for working on problems.

The last thing you want is to come across as so fretful about the status of your relationship, and so needy for steady reaffirmation, that you're whiny and clingy and he feels pushed to communicate even though he says he wants some space. In my mind that would be a recipe for his ending it with you.

SO, I would counsel patience. Take him at his word. Respect his request. Show some trust in him. An occasional text just reporting something light about your day and an occasional affirmation about your rooting for him (or something along those lines), that you're there when he's ready, etc., would be fine, I should think.

In the future, if your relationship continues and develops and deepens, you may find him including you more in his (for now) private deliberations about troubles. Nothing's for sure. But you'll set a better precedent by trusting him rather than either dumping him OR nagging him into dumping you.

[martyfellow]

Almost always, you're right, this is just a way of making you be the bad guy and announce the break-up.

Try giving him no contact for a few days and see if he starts taking the initiative in contacting you.

[toulouse]

If I said I need space, I'd mean it. id break up if that's what why intentions were. I would not lie.

maybe he's being honest & wants to be alone for a bit. HES not breaking up with u. if you don't like the arrangement you can break up with him, but that's your decision. that's not him waiting fir you to do it/.

if I was u, id just go do other things, give him some time,. id ask him about how much time he needs just so I can plan my schedule.

i would not text. just leave him alone. free myself up to do other things. give him space.

ge has to learn to ask for stuff he wants. if he says he wants space, but really wants attention, that's his problem, not yours.

take ihm at his word & leave him alone.

if you don't think that's appropriate you can break up with him

some people see taking a break as breaking up & think its inappropriate& disrespectful. but as for him waiting for you to break up. I don't think so. anyways, if that's your only reason, why do his dirty work. let him do it.

you can decide how long is too lon, for you to wait give him that number, if he needs more time than tht.. then its up to you to say or go.

[toulouse]

Good Luck ;-)

[Asker]

Thanks... let's see how long I can wait. thanks for the advising.

[toulouse]

no problem:)

[Zodiac988]

If he wants space you should have told him "Go to NASA".

[Moloch]

Give the man space. You're only exasperating the situation by texting him all the time. Text him once, twice tops.

[Anonymous]

leave him alone