You need to leave him girl. I saw in another comment you said you have a child together, so I don't know if it’s you not wanting to be a single parent or feeling like they’d grow up in a broken home. But let me just say that your kid is happy when you’re happy. Any arguments or upset moments, they are absorbing that negativity and you’re teaching them that this is love. It’s not and you know that. Maybe you were happy once upon a time, but you can only focus on the here and now. No one else is going through this but you, so their input doesn’t matter. Life is too short to live this way.
^^^^ This!!! A million times this!!! Never use your children as the reason to stay in a toxic environment. It isn't healthy, not only for you but, more so your child. Toddler age through Teenage is when they are really picking up things from you and how your accept or reject things happening to you, and how you react and respond to it. Show them how people should be treated. With love and respect. :D
I haven’t been able to get a job since there’s no daycare here and can’t find someone to watch the baby. And I can’t afford this place or any place in my town by my self. It’s the cheapest place I could find for both of us
That does make things a little more complicated. Do you not have family around that might be able to help for the short term? In addition check for jobs that have a daycare or provide a service for aiding in.
If you are going to stay though, communication in addition to finding a common ground is of the utmost importance.
I know this is all easier said than done, and we are only observers looking from the outside in. Regardless I hope you are able to figure out what works best for you and your young one. Best wishes and safe adventures moving forward!!!
I live in a very small town so there’s nothing like that available sadly. And my family is 2 hours away and couldn’t care less about me.
There’s no communication there never has been we have never talked about feelings. He can’t. He shits down when I ask him too. So that’s off the table no matter how hard I try. His dads the same way. Will not speak a word about his feelings. Or the problems in a relationship
This is a perfect oppritunity to give him a chance to break that wall down. Remind him he has a child also. If you are able to start the discussion, reaffirm that this is not an attack, but something you see as a way to bring your family closer together in addition to setting a great example for your kiddo to not only see how adults can responsibly resolve the situations such as this, while not only maintaining your marriage, but your friendship and show its okay to not always see eye to eye, and its okay to be open and honest about how the other is affecting one positively or negatively. Take some time over this holiday weekend, reflect and if you have to write down your thoughts, or a letter explaining your view of the situation. This way emotions are not able to rule the conversation enabling a more productive result moving forward no matter which ultimately is decided upon.
Side note, should you decide to separate, there is the option of staying room mates, though that could be a new situation either for bad, or good like bringing you two back together as you have had time to grow and move past the you of today, becoming a better you for tomorrow on.
@swellstroke you’ve made some really great points🙏 to add to what’s already been said, Asker, I couldn’t say you aren’t in a tough position because it sounds like you are, but tough does not equate to impossible. Once you decide it’s time to leave him, then commit to that and start mapping out your plan. You mentioned that you can’t get a job because of daycare issues, so consider exploring remote job opportunities. This form of work has become increasingly popular since 2020, and there are plenty out there if you dedicate time to finding it. I don't know if you use TikTok, but there are so many people sharing job titles, links, even step by step tutorials on how to apply — all of their jobs being remote. Another option to start stack a bit of cash is getting a side hustle. If you’re flat broke, then consider collecting your old items and sell them. Mercari is good for clothing/shoes/jewelry, even OfferUp for other items.
Another option is finding a seasonal or very part time job for now. If your boyfriend works, it’s not a literal 24/7. Use his off time to be your working hours, and leave the baby with him. He will surely pitch a fit over this, but the time of accommodating him is over, because I doubt he’s shown you as much Grace. On top of that if you co-parented then he’d have to get used to carving out time anyway, so why not start now? In the meantime, do some hunting on places like Craigslist for roommate ads, get an idea of how much money you would need, and start saving. Preferably look outside of your small town for a roomie, which would work if you find a remote job but if you have to physically go to work then look for a place reasonably close for transportation, like the bus, Uber, etc.
None of what I’m suggesting sounds desirable, this I know. But no matter what if you leave, then you have to start from the bottom to build a life for you and your child. You’ve been financially codependent of your boyfriend for who knows how long, so getting your bearings will be tough. But when you get to your destination, which is being able to care for yourself and your kid then you will be so content and proud of yourself. You’ve tried everything to make this relationship work and he’s checked out, so it’s time for you to do so as well. Your kid deserves to grow up seeing a positive example of what a strong woman and healthy living environment should be, and there’s no better motivation to start grinding then that alone.
Thank you for adding and expanding upon. Very well thought out and conveyed. *chef kiss*
I’ve looked but there’s nothing around where I live. It’s 2 hours from any big city that offers more. There only 4000 people who live around my area we don’t have bus or Uber transportation. No one’s looking for a roommate and two kids. I get a 1400 a month but the lowest places to rent here are 1200. So not much wiggle room for other bills and food. I can’t even start saving with how expensive life is right now
Dang it almost sounded like you were describing my area also, but ya have more people than I do, and rent is almost double what it is here.
I know its not really something you are wanting to consider at this moment, however as a precaution expand your job search out a little. This will help you keep options availiable should a need to be rushing manifests (hopefully not the case, but wouldn't hurt to keep it in the back pocket as a better safe than sorry thing.
There are other options. Twitch for example lowered the payout threshold to 50 acquired a month to receive payout.
Purchasing and reselling items obtained from yard sales, flea markets or garage sales (for example)
There are a few cam sites also that are options for making money.
Just have to not only have the drive to make things happen, but the want to make them become a reality that you will obtain!
I can’t move anywhere away from my child’s grandparents my bfs parents since they are the only reason I get a break from my kids when I get too overwhelmed. She takes them for a few hours. So I can clean and relax. And when you say cam sites. You mean like sexual?
I’ve done everything possible for around here. But I’m just stuck. His parents even say it’s not a reason to break up with him and that I have to make it work. Since all guy will choose to jerk off over any other relations
There are sexual sites yes, however there are non sexual also. Off the top of my head, I know Chaturbate has a non nude, and video game section. Then of course Youtube, Twitch and the like has non gaming also.
If his parents are aware of the situation, perhaps have them bring it up to him. As you talking to him has not been productive. Not an ideal choice, however another option is better than none.
Sadly his parents don’t care what he does. He cheated through my pregnancy and all his parents told him was stop since it was disrespectful to the mother of his child. And they told him he can do what he wants as long as he’s giving me some sexual attention. They say once a week if absolutely fine. As long as he’s not going a month then there’s no problem. I also said he got mad about the toys and they said it’s not lady like to have toys. You have to wait for your man to wnat sex and then that’s when you get off. Other then that you sit pretty and hope it doesn’t take too long to have sex again. It’s absolutely ridiculous
I said fuck it and bought the toys. If he gets mad again. Imma just whip it out and use it in front of him.
Oh that is not a healthy environment for you to be in if that is being taught.
You need to take a serious sitdown with just yourself. if you have to take a note book out, one page Pros of staying, the next page Cons of staying.
There are more important things than staying together for your child and having no place to go with your child. There are homeless shelters, and rescue shelters. Not sure what ya have in the area, but that is another option to look into. Stop by the local religious facility as they may be able to at the least provide you with information in reagards to options to get away from that.
Real talk here, no fooling, 100% legit being dead ass serious when I say this.
You need to really think about this, because with all the info I am privy to and was afforded. This is not a healthy environemnt for yourself and more so your child as you are seeing what is potentially going to be taught to them as they grow up should you stick around for the covienice rather than chosing the path of more resistance in starting over. I am sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, regardless now you are there. it is now that you really must take some YOU time and really really really look within to choose to either stay and prepair for what your child will be influanced by. Then for yourself in what as I am gathering to be a situation that no one should ever have to deal with.
if you leave, don't look back! It will be there clawing in the back of your mind. However, remember what you are trying to take a stand for. You are more deserving than how they are in their attitude when it is in regards to you. Again then think about your young one, and ask again IS THIS WHAT I WANT THEM GROWING UP LEARNING AND POSSIABLY BECOMING A PART OF WHEN THEY GROW UP.
The bad part is if I leave and go to a homeless shelter or a safe place. It’s away from my town. And I get my kids taken from me. Bc of my past and social services all bc I was a dumb teen when I got pregnant the 1st time. The thing about staying is I keep my kids.
Like I mentioned, I dont have the full story, and I am not asking you to post it. Just from what I have gathered. You really have some thinking and self reflection on what you want and or will either let slide, put up with, or say nothing. Regardless reach out to those people at social services. You could always test the waterrs and see if they may be able to help. Though from seeing how it works with them at times, it might not be a good thing to do. Depending on if its a ligit they are looking to keep the kids safe in addition to providing aid for the momma
I will raise some smoke for you and your children tonight, asking for help in keeping you safe, and to lead you to where it would be best for you and yours.
Hope you both had a great Thanksgiving. I’m just tapping back into this conversation, and a few questions came up for me. Asker, I genuinely hope you don’t take this the wrong way because I in no way mean offense, but I have a hard time understanding how each route is a hard wall, because I firmly believe there is always something. There’s homeless people on the street with kids staying with family or even in the system, that somehow manage to pick themselves up and make something happen. But it takes hard determination, something I worry that you lack whether it’s because you hit a wall and gave up or you’ve convinced yourself all routes lead to stuck. Be it because of your babysitting situation with the grandparents, not wanting to move too far from this or that person, etc etc, these are excuses when you really step back and look at it. Anyone who wants to be in your kids’ life will make it happen, and nothing you do temporarily has to be permanent. This would all be just a means of getting away from your partner. If you need any motivation, watch “Maid” on Netflix if you have it, because it’s based on a true story, and that woman fled her toxic relationship in the middle of the night with $20 in her pocket, no part of this show is exaggerated, she went through hell but got out clean. You can do it too.
When you say you looked at jobs, how often is this? Is it every day at least once? What about remote jobs, is that a non factor too? You don’t have a single bus route in your area and assume no roommate will take a woman in with two kids, emphasis on assume because postings for roomies get cycled out often and all it takes is one person to say yes. But that’s a hop skip jump way into the future that you can’t even look at until you have money coming in. You said you get $1400 coming in each month and the lowest places to rent are 12. Is this money coming from a job? Or government assistance? Because no matter what you can’t just rely on that. You have to work, maybe you don’t really want to, I don't know. Then you mention getting a break because of the grandparents, well they will not abandon their grandchildren regardless of your choices because it’s not about YOU, it’s about those kids. I’ve seen family put much worse to the side just to be in their kids lives, not disown them because mom is trying to break up with dad.
Thank you. I hope your Fat Puppy Day was nothing short of amazing!
I would think that there has to be some options that you would be able to tap into, just have to know where to find them or whom to ask.
Also good for you in getting something for yourself. Should ya ever decide to share what ya decided upon. Feel free, however don't feel as if you are required or obligated to do so.
You also mention the bad part of if you leave you’ll get your kids taken, well I’d advise get a second opinion on that. Women’s shelters do exist, with case workers who can give some guidance. If everything I’m saying you will just shut down then I won’t waste anymore Words. But you are in a position to help yourself and your kids, if you’re motivated enough, and not just getting a wild hair to try A bit then stopping because his parents or himself guilt tripped you and you settle for what you’ve got. Speaking of his parents, they say lack of intimacy isn’t cause to break up, but I believe it is. For people in solid relationships and marriages, sex is more than just getting off or feeling good, it’s connection, it’s necessary intimacy to keep the spark and attraction there, it’s love. Without it, your relationship will feel like a dead arrangement lacking love. Of course people get older and don’t feel so much need to have sex but that’s when they are older, have grown together and feel so connected. Right now you two are still building that.
Sorry swellstroke I just sent a comment as you did lol but yes I completely agree, no obligation, but the desire to make a better life for her and her kids should be the most motivation. If she doesn’t have it then she’s stuck in this, which is so sad at such a young age.
Mature adults would move heaven and earth for their children. Going without to make sure they were taken care of. However, as the information provided has given us a vivid picture it appears as if not everyone involved is mature. Which is unfortunate.
You are fine no worries at all. I am still getting use to the site myself so I can relate in keeping up.
I agree with you in your responses. I truly hope that things are able to work out for her and she is able to be in a place of warmth and caring. Someplace that would be better for the kids.
I live in a very small town there are very limited options. I put resemes out very second day. I’m constantly looking at remote jobs. I’m under watch with my kids with social services even though I’ve been clean for 4 years. If I end up in a shelter that’s 2 hours away from my home town and my kids will be put into foster care. You may have a lot offered where you are but here in this small town in Canada there’s not much. I’ve done hours of looking and calls and everything I’d have to move 2 or more hours away. I don’t want to make my life and my kids lives harder they at least get to see there dad if I can figure out a way to stay in town.
Both my kids are very very happy and they don’t see us fight and I don’t show that I’m sad around them. I’ve had to learn to hide my feelings for a very very long time. They are both very happy. And my boyfriend is great with them when he is. It’s just me that he gets mad at when the kids are asleep but never raises his voice. We both spoil the living heck out of our kids.
@swellstroke, per usual in this conversation I agree with everything you’ve said lol. @asker, my responses I hope in no way were offensive, because that isn’t my intent. I based my opinion off of the information you’ve provided me and swellstroke, and to me it almost came off as an automatic “no” or excuse as to why this or that just can’t work, and in my mind that felt impossible. But if you are genuinely doing all you can each day, such as what you’ve listed, then all I can hope is that your consistency and effort pays off. I’m from a very small town in the states, so I understand that vibe and what obstacles it can present, but nothing is impossible if you keep trying. So I genuinely send you well wishes and luck. I’ve also just realized I never directly addressed your actual question you initially even posted which I apologize for. If I were you, I would not involve myself with that man at all. The point in all this work you are doing is to get away from him, not share intimacies or really anything romantic, because that only muddies the waters and gives his family more ground to input on a situation their opinions shouldn’t be involved in, as they are biased. Get your toy, focus on getting away from him, and that’s all.
That is good to hear he is actually present for your children. However, you can say nothing happens in front of the kids. No matter what you think though, they know things are going on. Likely with being younger not being able to properly process or know what is really going on. Energy around the house shifts when anger becomes present.
Now to be straight and to the point. You and your boyfriend need to have a serious discussion. As this is something that is very important for not only you but him and the kids as well.
Before you sit down with him though. Make sure you are prepared to take what actions will be required should that be the course that is required. I would say message me. If it was in my state or a neighboring state I would offer assistance in ensuring your ability to find shelter and those kiddos are set up to be comfortable whilst the transition is taking place.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to come off as upset either. I’m just trying so hard to not split my girls up from there dad but also be self sufficient without him if you get what I mean.
Swellstroke - one thing about me and him is we promise to never be angry when the kids are up. And we both do that very well. But once the kids are in there rooms and asleep is when he gets upset with me for things during the day. We both have had houses where parents faught when we were still up so we don’t then. We act like a perfect couple. We do that I. Public too.
No need to be sorry, you are being a human, ya are able to process and feel what you are going though. It does make it rough to be able to provide any actual assistance when it is through written word over the net.
Now in the later part of your replay the key word in there is ACT. You shouldn't have to act. I get it though, I grew up in an environment that wasn't always ideal. However my parents are still together being in their 60's now. I am able to gather reasonings and you are both at least attempting to not let it affect them. However, you will not be able to hide it from them forever. You will come to learn, even compaired to our own childhoods. Kiddos are more resourceful and pick up on more than we would like to claim.
That is good that you also were able to come to at least this agreement.
Now I have to ask, you mentioned your family was 3 hours away. How often are you able to see them?
Swellstroke I don’t see my family. My mom is verbally abusive towards me and my dad agrees with cheating so I don’t really like seeing him anymore.
I’ll see them on Christmas Eve and then again when they take my oldest on a trip in February
Fuck get one. He has his ways of getting off why can’t you? Why you even w this dude?
Convince him to have sex. Without words or with
I can’t he’ll say he’s not horny. And will tell me to leave him alone before I piss him off
The problem is you two never created a detailed, concrete joint vision and committed to it.
If there had been one, he would know this isn't okay and that it needs to change. That's literally the problem in every relationship that is doing bad in some manner. The couple is living out separate, undefined visions and want the other to get on to their path with them.
I'd sit down and think of solutions everyday. Adult solutions. He obviously has something he isn't telling you.
I know you don't see this as a big problem but it is. It is a big problem not because it's about sex but because you two aren't on the same page. He is being unfair and I believe he isn't telling you something. Maybe he is porn addict and experiencing porn ED. Maybe he isn't attracted to you anymore. I don't know but there is something going on. Fix it and fix it like an adult. A well-mannered adult.
Above all be patient. You're in your 20s. One day very soon you'll look up and things will be better because you made them better. Be patient and don't do anything reckless off the advice of strangers.
First decide whether you even want this guy anymore. Then after that you can think of what to do to get your life headed in a better direction. If you don't even want him them getting a toy should not be a problem. He will dislike it but who cares because you don't even want him. But do start to make a plan to not be depended on him in any way.
I do want him and he says he wants me but he just stopped wanting any sexual interaction with me after I got pregnant and it hasn’t gotten better after I had the baby. I made it very clear that I thrive off sex and sexual interaction in a relationship. Doing something at least once a day unless life gets in the way. And he said he was the same way. And we were really good. I said I didn’t like him picking porn or girls over me come to me 1st and then do what you want. And he was again really good with that. But I got pregnant and he no longer wants anything to do with me. And it’s not like I’m ugly. I’m back to my same size I was before I got pregnant and no more stretch marks. He met me when I alreday had a kid so he already loved the stretch marks I had. But I didn’t get any more with this child. My body looks the exact same except I have a bigger ass now.
Opinion
1Opinion
Why are you still dating this person?
Because we have a kid together and every said I can’t break up with him just bc he jerks off to girls. Bc that’s petty and stupid
We were then I got pregnant And everything changed. And he no longer wants sex
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