So my husband is a guy that loves attention and loves having lots of friends because he was unpopular growing up etc. so he has a lot of female friends. I’m having some trust issues with him because I found out right before we started dating (he was calling me his girlfriend to me and some friends already) that he was hooking up with one of his friends at work. Once we made things official he cut her off but it still hurt. Then I found really inappropriate jokes between him and another female friend which he also stopped talking to because he understood why I was upset. He says he doesn’t think about it when he talks to men or women because he treats them all the same because he sees them as only friends and the only woman he thinks differently of is me. Now he has a new friend at work that he says he has been friends with for months but just started messaging on Facebook over common interests and work about a week ago. I told him I was uncomfortable with this because of previous issues and that’s he already constantly on his phone. So after a huge argument he agreed to only message her while he’s at work and leave his home time to his family. Well he fussed at me one night while he was at work because I was playing an Xbox game with a male coworker online and he said that I should have to follow the same rules so I said that’s fair and got off the game. Then when we were playing after he got home I noticed he was playing scrabble an self up lot and on his phone so I looked over his shoulder and he was messaging his female coworker and playing scrabble with her. When I called him out about it because he just fussed at me for the same thing he lied and said he didn’t message her and that he was playing with random people. It’s not the messaging that’s bothering me now it’s the constant lying about talking to her. I have to basically ask ti see his phone before he admits that he did message her at home after our agreement. He tells me I’m being crazy.. am I?
What do I do about my husband and his friend?
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I'm so glad that most of my marriage was before smartphones and all of this online interacting with others. We were truly focused on each other until she got a phone and started messaging other guys on facebook. Then everything went downhill and we both spent our time talking to other people online.
Your situation sounds extreme and I don't know how people stay together theses days.
He obviously likes that he has good social media skills and he likes to flirt with women and have options. He likes the game. You didn't help by playing x box with a friend online either. I think this is gonna be a major problem for you guys if you don't make the effort to focus on each other. With lots of outside temptations and constant competition your relationship is gonna be high maintenance.
Is it controlling of me to ask him not to message other females?
I’ve asked him to go to couples counseling multiple times so we can talk with an outside party who can mediate but he doesn’t think we need it. We weren’t having any issues before now and this is just giving me too much anxiety. He says I should trust him and I trust him not to cheat on me but I don’t trust him not to talk inappropriately with other women. I don’t see the need to message new women when you have a wife.
Let me put it this way, I trusted my ex-wife completely and it totally blew up in my face. By the time I actually snapped and took her phone from her to check it she had been messaging with 4 other guys and probably fucking most of them. In retrospect I was stupid to trust her at all.
If I was your partner I would throw my phone into a fire for you, but some other people like your boyfriend and my ex aren't like that, they're a bit shady aren't they?
I have broken down and gone through his phone and he hasn’t said anything inappropriately to her and even talks about me a lot being excited about what he got me for Christmas and telling her that I’m his wife and she’s just a friend. So I feel like there’s no inappropriate conversation but for me I put my relationship first and I would never do anything he wasn’t comfortable with so if he asked me to never message another guy again I would do it but for him that’s controlling and asking too much.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I just feel like I’m losing my mind
I understand.
I guess the main thing I learned from my experience was to compete for my partner's time.
In the future if I'm in a relationship again I'm gonna try to make plans for us, and basically keep her busy, lol.
She should be having sex with me multiple times rather than being so bored that she needs to look outside of the marriage for attention.
How long have you two been married? I understand how you feel about the messaging. It’s one thing if you’re at work, but even than at work why would you need to message each other. Wouldn’t you just talk to them while you’re at work? I feel this will always be an issue. Counseling would be a good idea, but like most men he said nothing is wrong we’re fine. Which I can understand because in his mind things are good, you’re just over exaggerating. But if things were reversed I’m sure he would not like numerous male “friends” messaging you all the time at home. Messaging may seem ok but eventually things can turn into more than that. For his female friends to know that he’s married shows some of their respect for you not only as a wife but as a female in general. But maybe it’s him who’s initiating these text messages. So I’d try to have a serious conversation about this.
He's your husband, you should be his oasis. Keep his balls empty and his stomach full and you know who he'll want to come home to? You.
The more arguing, distrust and complaining you sow, the more repulsive you will become to him. Simple.
He may be making dumb decisions, but you are wrecking your own relationship right now.