Guys: why would you act super interested in a girl and then disappear? Does that say something about the girl?

[Anonymous]

I've noticed a bit of a pattern, lol. An attractive, successful, seemingly good-hearted guy and I will start talking. They seem to be enjoying it, laugh at my humor etc. Their friends and/or family will mention they're attracted to me. We could have met on apps or in person, but the outcome is always the same. They will always disappear, out of the blue. No explanation, nada. Never made it to anything physical in any of these cases because I was still feeling them out, nor were these situationships ever actually exclusive (because they never asked for that). Most of these last less than a month.

What I can't figure out is... Is it me? dun dun dun! Because it keeps. on. happening.

I'm trying to genuinely self-reflect; I've been told that I'm decent looking, athletic build, went to an ivy league school for a STEM career, not clingy with contact, not demanding of exclusivity, not rude or mean with jokes etc. Is there a glaring red flag I'm missing? Something I can work on?

What can I do to break this pattern? Ngl, it hurts to get your hopes up every time.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'll be honest... you have me really curious as to what the hell is happening here.

I can't say anything at this point. I have pretty much no clue why this is happening FROM WHAT"S HERE. But I would like to help you figure this out. I'm usually pretty good at this stuff. I feel like I should be able to give you (at least) SOME possible insight into what's going on, if you'd be willing to do a little back-and-forth replying here.

So, my knee-jerk hypothesis, is that it's NOT 'you'. But rather that it's something to do with the 'progression of things' during those early stages. Do these guys just not feel like you two 'click' enough? Do they think you're not as into them as you really are (for some reason)? Do they somehow get the impression that things don't seem to be moving forward the way they're expecting? Stuff like that.

Now, I pulled that right out of my ass. It's based on... nothing really. Can you detail some of the specific times this has happened to you? Also, just how many times HAS this happened to you?

What's throwing me off too, is the ghosting. That's... not something I would expect to be a 'pattern'. There might be something in that detail. It's a rude thing to do. I feel like, there's something weird about a bunch of decent-seeming guys all being rude to you in that same way. I would expect that SOME of the time, a guy would have 'ended things' the regular way. By saying something letting you know.

So, yes. Details please. Let's figure this out...

[Asker]

Thank you! Much appreciated. My suspicion (or maybe my insecurity?) is that its the high-paying STEM job from a well-known college. I try to be as discrete as possible about it, but whenever comes up, I feel like it's polarizing.
- Guy 1: Met on app. Chatted for a week, (regularly texting throughout the day about everything, life/movies/ philosophy etc). Goals aligned. He seemed very excited. I suggested transferring to text, then his responses started becoming further in between and he ghosted.
- Guy 2: met IRL at a mutual friend's graduation party. Kept staring at me from across the room, would hover near my table till he finally asked me to dance. Spent the rest of the night chatting but got separated at the end and din't exchange contact info. His sister later texted our mutual friend telling them how uncharacteristic it was for him to express interest (he's normally aloof). Like 2 weeks later, I ask my friend to let him know I'm gonna be in the area. Per friend, HE (immediately) tells my friend to have me reach out. I do, but poof! Houdini is gone. Text x 1, call x1, nothing.
- Guy 3: Met on app. Chatted for a week. He seemed excited; heard about my career (it came up naturally) and he seemed to get a little... colder. He vaguely mentioned a concert in my hometown that he was going to that I also happen to be going to, like two months away. He has no other reason to be in my hometown. I mentioned I was going and encouraged us to meet up without outright asking, because I was worried this may chase him off (the other guys seemed to disappear after things started getting real, at least my perspective). Third time evidently not the charm lol.

I feel like I am expressing interest, and being flirty, but I don't want to come across as overly eager.

[SteveSmith1985]

I actually think it sounds like your issue might indeed be in the "expressing interest" and "not wanting to come across as too eager". Specifically for guy's two and guy 3.

Now we'll get into each of them to see what's happening. But... I can tell you, for sure, it's not the impressive career thing.
Personally, I do not have an impressive job. I can't imagine myself or any other guy who I work with (I work with all dudes... unfortunately) being so intimidated that it would be an issue no matter how impressive your job is. You may find down the road that someone you're dating has some insecurities around that--but only a minority of guys would be really bothered by this. It's certainly not going to de-rail things in those early stages.

Basically, if a nice girl who happens to have an impressive job, seems interested in a regular shmuck... the impressive job isn't going to be an issue.

Ok... so let's start with Guy 1...

[SteveSmith1985]

So this... sounds like a more-or-less typical 'fizzling-out' of something that may have started looking like it had potential, but turned out to be a false-start. (now, I could be wrong about ANY of this, of course, since there are still all sorts of details I don't have)

This sounds like a situation where everything seems to be looking good right at the very begining, but... you essentially weren't 'clicking' well enough to sustain the conversation long-trerm (even if the first few were fine). Is that essentially accurate?

The other fairly likely thing could be... this guy from the dating app was talking to more than one person, and happened to really hit-it-off with someone else, which led to his drop of interest in you. (it depends on the nature of the drop-offs in conversation. What kind of texts you were sending to each other etc)

[SteveSmith1985]

But to me, this sounds more like a 'typical' story of two people meeting, seeming to hit it off, then finding out after a short while... that they just weren't 'meshing' right (conversation wise).

The other question is... was there talk of an in-person date? Usually, you'd talk a while, and if you hit it off, you'd set a date, so even if your text conversation stagnates, you have the upcoming in-person date to 'reinvigorate' things. (And to make sure everything still seems good)

[SteveSmith1985]

So I'll let you reply, and tell me whether any of what I said, might ACTUALLY apply to the real-life situation of guy#1

Then, we'll look at the other two guys (as a teaser... I've got some complaints about your conduct... coming up)

[Asker]

First of all: THANK YOU SO MUCH!! This is so incredibly helpful, and I really appreciate you taking the time. You might be right about the expressing interest/ not wanting to overwhelm them. I'm intrigued by the complaints! Lol
- Guy 1: To be fair, we found out we were in different states (similar city names lol); but we found that out before transitioning to texting, so if LDR was a total no for him I assumed he would have said something? Maybe this was the issue? But especially in the setting of COVID, a temporary LDR doesn't seem that much of a stretch, and I know a lot of couples who started that way

[Asker]

So to clarify, no explicit talk of an in person date for Guy 1, although Guy 2 was aware I'd be in the area (for an event unrelated to him) and Guy 3 happens to be going to the same concert as me. Not explicit dates, but opportunities to meet and feel out the situation more.

[SteveSmith1985]

The long-distance thing certainly might have been a factor in things fizzling out... but I don't think it was THE issue. As you said, he was aware of the distance. To me guy #1 is... a very very typical case of two people hitting it off, but it not having 'legs' to keep it going. I don't think this had anything to do with YOU.

I think it was just... well.. if you guys were having continual amazing conversations... the conversation wouldn't have stagnated and become increasingly difficult to sustain naturally (so there is a mutual drop-off in the frequency and length of your chats... until it kinda just fizzles out on it's own. Is this an accurate description of what happened?

Also, is it accurate to describe him as disappearing? (you may have been the one to send the last message... but still... did he disappear? Or slowly fizzle out (i. e. BOTH of you fizzled out sorta mutually).

Now freaking guy number 2... This one... hurts-my-heart... alright so...

[SteveSmith1985]

Guy #2 sounds like a genuine missed opportunity. It's almost painful to read.

This guy liked you. A lot. He clearly and very obviously was interested in you. He didn't leave any room to doubt that. This guy was on the exact same page you were on in terms of being excited to reconnect.

So, after everything seems all set (with mutal friends and sisters playing a part helping facilitate this)... this... doesn't end up happening.

Now... I don't know if you waited until you were in his area to call and text him or if you did it just before. I don't know what his reasons were for not being available to SEE that you called or texted but this guy obviously MISSED YOU (... and the reason he missed this isn't even relevant anyway).

I can tell you, for certain that this guy didn't 'change his mind'. He didn't see that you were calling and texting him and CHOOSE NOT TO PICK UP THE PHONE. There is absolutely no way that he purposely disappeared! I'm sorry but no way! This guy liked you, and this guy FOR SURE is kicking himself for having missed you. He was too emberassed to follow it up by reaching out, but this dude is probably STILL kicking himself for having missed your ONE call and ONE text message.

This guy didn't disappear! He missed you.

So my criticism of your behavior is: IN THIS SITUATION... you were being WAY too reserved or cautious about 'not seeming too eager'. This guy, without a doubt was interested in you. You can be very confident of that. Given that you can be pretty confident that he wants to see you, just as much as you want to see him... you should have called/texted a hell of a lot more times than ONE!

[SteveSmith1985]

This is a guy you KNOW wants to connect with you. You really have no reason to think you might scare him off by seeming 'over-eager',

I am going to guess, that the way your message was worded, it was something along the lines making plans to meet up for that specific event. Which makes sense... if you're only gonna send one message. But it also doesn't invite him to reach out to you afterwards IF HE MISSED IT AT THE TIME.

THe nature of the message likely would have left him with the impression that "he MISSED you". (period. end of sentence).

Is that fair to say? Like there was no "sorry we didn't connect this time, but I hope we'll talk soon" about it? More: "Hey I'm in town, did you still wanna get together"? (the second one doesn't invite any contact if he missed it at the time).

So... that is my hypothesis. This guy did not see your single attempt to get in contact at the time, and he feels like an ass for having missed you. BUT at the same time feels like he missed his chance, rather than thinking you might still hope to hear from him, even if you didn't connect that particular night.

I'll wait to hear from you again before guy number 3. To me, this second guy is the most significant one. I'd like to hear whether I've missed the mark somehow, or if I'm reading this accurately.

[Asker]

Oof, this is painful! To clarify Guy2:
- I ask my friend to let him know I'm in the area/ pass along my number
- Per friend, HE (immediately) tells my friend to INSTEAD have me reach out; so he could have texted at this point
- I text him like a day later --> no response. This was maybe a week in advance of coming. No biggie, I I figure he's busy
- Once there, I text him again (technically 2 texts, asking to meet if he's free (while I'm there)). No response that day. I call the next day --> no response. My friend (elated at playing matchmaker) excitedly calls me and asks, and is astounded when I mentioned there was no response from him.

Ngl, at this point I was somewhat miffed; it seems unreasonable that he didn't receive any of those? Or maybe he got cold feet? And you're right in that I never specifically gave him the green light to contact me after, but I just felt the response had been such a 180 I didn't know what to make of it. Tbh I did like the second one the most too, so it's extra ouch lol.

[SteveSmith1985]

No... what happened here was that my take was wrong. Period. It simply doesn't reflect what actually happened. You can pretty much throw-out everything I said. It was all based on the premise that there was only 1 call and 1 text message.

You DID give him ample opportunity to see you tried to contact him. Moreover you DID try him enough times that there really is no excuse for him to not feel there was 'a green light to contact you'. You gave him that green-light.

Given that's the case...

Then this guy's behaviour is genuinely perplexing. It's weird. It makes no sense. Something obviously happened on his end that you and I are completely unaware of. But... you have every reason to have been 'somewhat miffed'. There is EVERY REASON to have assumed he wanted to connect with you. He made that very obvious. Whatever changed on his end... it didn't have ANYTHING to do with you. How could it possibly? Whatever happened there... is not something that you (or anyone) could have anticipated or foreseen. (it doesn't fit with any of his other words and actions). Similarily... you can't really hope to figure out what happened here. Again, it doesn't make sense without some piece of information only he knows. But whatever that is... it's nothing to do with you. This is like a 'freak-occurrence'. This is not how you (or anyone) can expect a situation like this to turn-out. There is nothing you did wrong here, and nothing to 'learn' or to 'change'. You handled this... perfectly. I withdraw all criticism of your behavior.

[SteveSmith1985]

With guy number 3... so first of all... I wasn't there...

So if you tell me that you noticed a change as soon as you mentioned your career... then perhaps there is something to that.

Not having been there to judge for myself... I think it's unlikely that a guy is going to have this reaction (I feel like the intimidating career thing is a worry of yours, but not actually something a guy is going to find problematic). However, I will take your word for it, if you're saying that you definitely noticed a change as soon as you mentioned your career. But how sure are you that this change was actually there?

So this one seems more like number 1. It's a regular case of... meeting someone, and things looking like they had potential... before fizzling-out (not having legs).

(You do realize that this is... very normal right? Like this happens MOST of the time when two people seem to hit-it-off initially when you meet someone online. It just doesn't 'have legs')

So the timing of this concert is... awful.

If it's a concert 2 months away... you've only been talking to the guy for a week. So it's hard to make any plan to meet in two months... without knowing how things are going to go between you during the interim. So if you guys had continued talking and getting closer over those two months... meeting at that concert works out well.

But it's hard to make plans to meet in two months... and then have regular conversation fizzle-out in a week.

So if I'm not wrong about there not being anything IN BETWEEN those two months... then it makes sense that when the concert rolled around... he wasn't really going to text that girl he hasn't really talked to for 6 weeks. That makes sense to me.

Even if I'm not able to give you the best insights into the particulars of these three situations, I DO feel like I can help you with your original problem. My read on YOU: Ready? Well... maybe I'll let you reply again first.

[Asker]

I cannot tell you how reassuring it is to hear your take on Guy 2 lol; on everyone! But that truly baffled me, and it seems a small measure of comfort that you, mutual friend and his sister all seem equally perplexed.

Tbh the concert hasn't happened yet (late Jan), I met this Guy 3 like before Thanksgiving, but I assume it won't be happening since the silence circa mid-December. I don't really like dating apps, so I guess the fizzle-out process you mention is new to me. Plus, I only tend to make plans I want to keep, or alert people if that changes, so I guess it isn't my style.

Haha alright, let's hear it! I'll brace my ego! I know I have said this a ton but I am extremely grateful for your insights. I wish you had a channel or something!

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh no need to thank me. This is interesting for me too. Like a real-life detective story... but with none of the danger. Honestly though, it's my pleasure.

NOW.

The 'fizzling-out' is simply the natural process of contact growing less frequent and less lengthy... as it becomes less enjoyable... for both of you. But you can absolutely expect guys to keep their plans! That's fully reasonable. Guy #2 was NOT a 'fizzling out' (not at all!). However, the first one sounds like it. And I don't think it's the 'dating apps' aspect. I think it's an inherent part of the process of people trying to find a partner. It was happening in the 1960's too. It's just meeting someone and initially hoping things will work out better than they do in reality (after a short time). Most people aren't lucky enough to 'get it right' on their first shot. If they don't... then it fizzles.

Now, Guy number 3... what's the current status of that?

Do you WANT to pursue something with him still?

(you can, but it depends if you think there was something there or not. If not, then the fizzling is just fine. It's mutually beneficial. It only sucks if it's one-way... and their feelings fizzle while you still really like someone. That's not what I'm seeing in what you've said)

[SteveSmith1985]

So now, my read of YOU!!! (spoiler alert. No need to brace your ego. It's all good stuff)

**clears throat**

...

[SteveSmith1985]

Everyone has different narratives they use to help them make sense of their lives. That's normal, and healthy, and nothing out of the ordinary.

You have developed a false narrative for yourself when it comes to "your love life'. The story you tell yourself is:

"There must be something wrong with me; or something wrong with how I'm approaching relationships, because; after a short time, men disappear with no explanation"

That is where you started with your original question. This is fundamentally NOT accurate. (unless there's a bunch of examples you didn't mention).

It is not accurate. It simply isn't an accurate 'story' of your recent love-life.

It IS accurate for guy number 2. It really is fair to say that this guy disappeared on you, for no reason... after everything seemed to be going well... with zero explanation.

So you aren't getting this from 'nowhere'. It IS 'the story' of guy number 2. But ONLY guy number 2.

Numbers 1 and 3 were basically... just... not being interested in EACH OTHER (mutually) and then... things just sorta... fizzled-out. Which DOES suck... for sure, but it is a very very different thing... than having someone disappear on you out-of-the-blue when everything seems to be going well.

I think you were kinda scarred by the experience of having this ACTUALLY happen with guy number 2... and so you reinterpreted guy number 1 'through that lense' in retrospect.

(Please don't hesitate to correct me. I'm talking about YOU and YOUR life... you are the expert. I am just trying to interpret the things you've shared with me)

Do you happen to remember if you saw guy number 1 as 'disappearing' before the experience with the second guy? If so, then I am not properly understanding the nature of how things ended with guy number 1.

So, that's still not really my analysis of YOU. So...

[SteveSmith1985]

Like I said, you have that narrative you tell yourself where there is some 'problem' (with you, or your approach or something) that has led to this negative pattern.

There is no pattern.

There is no problem.

The ACTUAL story of your recent love life is way less dramatic.

"You've met a couple of guys, who seemed like they had some potential at first. You seemed to hit it off, and had some pretty good conversations for a few weeks. But, there wasn't enough there for anything to become anything significant. Except for this one asshole I met at a party, talked all night with, who seemed totally interested, and then straight-up disappeared."

That is the story of your love life (as I have come to understand it, based on the pieces you've told me).

But this is good news!

You don't get to keep the (admittedly) cool, mysterious story about yourself, but... It DOES mean that you've got nothing to worry about.

There's nothing you really need to change about anything that I can see.

You're not even someone I would say is particularily unlucky in love! (not to minimize what you've experienced, and you're feelings... that's not what I mean, and that's really not what I'm trying to do/say here).

I just... you're not a 'cursed girl.'

You're..."a regular girl who is dating, but hasn't found the right person yet"

I think it's probably better if you don't keep thinking you're cursed (you're not).

I obviously don't know you AT ALL. I realize that.

Nevertheless, you seem freaking delightful! I don't know a thing about you aside from what you revealed about yourself here. But... you seem funny; intelligent; kind; sane; like you're after something meaningful; and (from what I've seen) you have ALMOST the exact right amount of confidence.

You. Are obviously a catch. Clearly. You are someone that a good man is looking for. Make sure you're somewhere that you can be found. Because he's looking for you too. I'm dead serious.

[SteveSmith1985]

I talk to women on here all the time. From all walks of life, and all manner of situation.

You... are going to be FINE. You really are.

I don't know when exactly it will happen. Maybe next week, maybe next month, or maybe next year... but if you 'hang-in-there'... a great guy is going to snap-you-up as soon as you cross paths.

You only might want to make one, minor change.

Don't try not to appear over-eager. That really is always a bad idea. You're playing the "guess what he must be thinking" game. And everyone is always inclined to think the other person is SUPER judgmental, so they hold back.

Don't do that. Nobody is smart enough to do that well. IT ALWAYS fucks with someone's ability to be 'their best selves'. Trust that your 'native social instincts' will keep you from doing anything too emberassing without any additional 'calculating'.

Be yourself. You seem pretty awesome. Don't worry about what the guy might think, or about scaring a guy off. If the guy is looking for the same thing you're looking for, and you guys are feeling the same thing for each other... then you honestly don't need to worry about scaring him-off. You won't. If you do... the guy wasn't looking for what you're looking for anyway.

[Asker]

No mysterious backstory? But drama is my middle name!!

Hi Steve, I really do wish I could give you a hug through the internet. In all seriousness, I really can't tell you how much this means to me. I'm sorry it took a bit to respond; I really was processing what you said. Your compassionate words and keen insight have really bolstered my spirits at a time where I was feeling, well... honestly pretty demoralized.

I'm going to take your advice to heart; I was pretty shellshocked from Guy2, but I won't let that make me cynical/ too aloof/ too reserved for future encounters.

My friends are constantly badgering me with "WELL HAVE YOU MET SOMEONE YET? ARE YOU DATING? ARE YOU DATING IN SECRET? WHY? INVITE US SO WE CAN INTERROGATE HIM" and I know they do it from a place of meaning well. It can be kind of alienating to see your crew all hitting that milestone while you're still searching. Perhaps I didn't realize just how hard dating can be because I wasn't really taking it seriously before; but there's nothing to do except persist, and realize that it only takes one. You're absolutely right, I shouldn't be wasting so much time worrying about what he might think/scaring him off. The right one won't be.

And besides, you know what they say... save the best for last ;)

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm very glad if I helped bolster your spirits when you were feeling demoralized. I think you have every reason to not feel demoralized. There's nothing wrong with you or your approach. You just haven't met the right guy yet.

I hope you don't let Guy2 mess with you as much as it has. It had nothing to do with you. It was a 'freak occurrence'. There is nothing to change, nothing to learn, it was just some weird-bullshit that won't ever happen to you ever again. (it really won't).

[SteveSmith1985]

You really do need to persist. Just keep wading through the 'wrong guys' as well as the guys who seem right at first, but then fizzle-out. That's unfortunately the reality of dating. For anyone. And you certainly aren't the first person to find it stupid, frustrating, and full of uncertainty and dashed-hopes. Dating is stupid. So much about it is just... stupid! But it's the way 99% of people who find their 'right person' end up finding them. Nobody remembers how they felt before they found the right guy. I can tell you that your experience and frustrations are very normal. WHat that means is, (almost) everyone who finds Love experienced all this same bullshit you're experiencing. What you're going through it 'part of the process'. It's just, so easy to forget, for everyone who has already found someone... how they felt while they were still looking for them.

I 100% hear you on the friends thing. I very much know what that's like. Like you said, they're coming from a good place. If they understood how they were making you feel, they wouldn't be talking/acting the way they are. It's only because they don't realize how you feel. Let them know, however you think is best. Once they understand that they're hurting, not helping, they will stop putting that overt pressure on you.

You've got a lot to offer. I think you even know it. It's just a matter of wading through all the wrong guys until you find Mr. Right. It's not that the outcome is in question. It's just that the process is kind of a pain-in-the-ass. Just keep on keepin on, despite the ass-hurt.

You truly do just need to 'hang in there' and keep trying to meet new people, until you happen upon 'Mr. Right'.

You are 100% correct. You won't find Mr. Right, until the end. He'll be the very last guy you try. Funny how that works. 🙂

[Anonymous]

'I feel like I am expressing interest, and being flirty, but I don't want to come across as overly eager. '

Like most people, you are busy protecting your ego and your self from rejection. By doing so you end up with the same result... that which you resist persists...

But when you do this as a woman, it is likely to have a bigger impact because men receive less attention overall and look for clear signs from you (choosing signs) in order to ascertain your level of interest. When this is too low, it kills attraction.

The STEM thing is less likely to be a problem unless it's something you bragg about, use to look down on others through, and have an attitude about.

Having said that. One of the most common reasons I've lost interest in women due to was their past history...

[Summeroflove]

Some guys and gals do this where they think they’re into someone and just loose interest or someone isn’t exactly what they thought they would be.


It’s not the best way to go about it but

[spartan55]

Are you putting out?

[Asker]

Nope. They haven't even asked me on a formal date, so I don't think they've earned it lol. I just have trouble reconciling how interested they seem with the outcome. Guys who seemed wayyyyy less interested in me asked me out on dates before so this new pattern seems... interesting lol.

[spartan55]

You aren't making it to the first date with ANY of these guys?

[Asker]

No, hence the question. Everything seems dandy till it actually comes time to meet in person/ progress. Kind wondering if they're players (attractive, successful and suspiciously single), or if there is something that I can improve

[spartan55]

Well if they were players they would be taking you out and trying to get laid... 😂 😂

[Asker]

True! But I think they can sense how malleable someone is in that regard! Otherwise I don't know, maybe its that unblinking stare of mine xD (jk)

[spartan55]

There aren't nearly as many players out there as girls think.

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆