Why would a guy who’s engaged keep staring at and talking to another woman?

[Anonymous]

[SteveSmith1985]

Engagement, and marriage means absolutely nothing to a certain type of guy. This guy is of that type. Don't overthink it. It's not complicated. Pretend he's not engaged. That's what he does.

[Asker]

Well he keeps staring at me so obviously and initiates conversation every time I see him. Once I was out walking and he stared so openly at me and his wife was with him. I don't know he seemed like a good guy who’d be loyal so I’m uncomfortable on how to navigate it.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well you're wrong about one of those two things. Either he isn't intending anything with his actions towards you, or he is not a loyal guy.

But it doesn't really matter. You navigate it the same way. Which is, basically constantly rebuffing his little advances. You make it clear in those little ways, that the extra attention is not reciprocated. You just need to basically send him those little signals back, that say "not interested."

There are only so many times a guy like that is going to "try" with someone before realizing it's not gonna happen. Just make it clear that it's not happening with you (by, looking uncomfortable when he stares, being polite but reserved when he strikes up those conversations etc.)

Treat him as though he's a guy interested in you, when he's engaged. If you're wrong, then no real harm. There's no need to know his true motives. You can go based on his perceived motives here.
To you, he's showing inappropriate interest... but not overtly. I bet you've been in those situations before. Same thing here. Just... send those "not interested dude" signals back, and he'll stop eventually.

[Asker]

That’s a really great way to go about it! I agree!
It’s just that I usually do that - I am uncomfortable so I avoid eye contact at all costs and still he’ll stare and stare.

[SteveSmith1985]

Really! Wow. That sounds quite over-the-top. It takes someone going way out of their way to do this to someone who is shy and uncomfortable making eye contact. That really does make it way more significant than if you were "a regular person" when it comes to this.

Any chance he finds your discomfort itself amusing? (certain types would enjoy making you uncomfortable/nervous)

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh also, bring any conversation back to his FIANCEE every chance you get. Like throw that word into your conversation as much as possible. If he asks you if you like chocolate... you BETTER bring the fiancee in on that. If he asks where you've been on vacation, bring his fiancee into that conversation too. ANYTHING.

That's your best bet for an "overt, but not quite" way to rebuff this dude. It shows him "I know what you're doing and I think it's fucked-up" pretty clearly without risking some sort of overt confrontation.

[Asker]

It’s quite possible I read into it too much. But the staring is the big element here. Even when I moved in (we live close by) I’d feel him staring at me and I’d look and he sure was! I couldn’t tell if he was making fun of me or something. But then he’d stare and stare and make conversation about the weather or my coat being too much for the weather. Anything. Then other times he’s awkward and kinda rude. Doesn’t seem super happy now that he’s married - I don’t see him nearly as much and every time I do I never see him smiling. It’s fucking strange. Maybe he liked me when he met me but was already like engaged?

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes, I think your explanation basically makes sense. Depending on the timelines for all the behaviour. But it's entirely possible that he likes you, and even that he was inadvertently sending you those signals without WANTING to. He may then have remembered he was engaged and put you back into the "off limits" category and acted differently. But... I donno. I would tend to think that you were right in your original assessment that he was continually showing signs of interest even though he was engaged.

Let me ask you this: Let's say he was actually single. What would you make of his behavior if the fiancée never existed?

[Asker]

Here’s my additional theory — they’re within the same religion and usually Jews don’t marry outside their religion. Also my friends have said I’m way more attractive than her so it’s possible I’m eye candy, but me and him work in the same industry and I’m an engineer which he thought was cool. And not many women work in what I do.
Anyway - to your other part She’s a human being and while I definitely think I’m physically more appealing than her objectively, that doesn’t take away from who she is. I’ve talked to her a few times and she’s ok, I think she’s a sweet person. If he wasn’t with her I guess I’d probably see him as more creepy because then I’d be like oh so that’s why he’s single. Lol.

[SteveSmith1985]

Hmm... I think it's notable that you'd find his behavior creepy even if he were single. That's... significant. But as for the rest, it comes down to a guy's personal morals, not how attractive his wife is vs other women. It comes down to the guy. Plenty of guys act totally fine with the most beautiful women... if they're married and believe it's wrong to show interest in someone else. If the guy doesn't care. Then to him you're simply an attractive girl who he'll show interest in like he would any girl he found attractive. To him the fiancee is irrelevant. It doesn't matter how hot she is, or how great a person she is. If a guy is going to act that way despite being engaged, that's a TYPE of guy. That's the only real relevant factor (as opposed to attractiveness etc).

This is not just a case of "eye candy" if it were, you wouln't have really thought twice about it. Guys check you out like that all the time. You wouldn't notice it. It would be subtle. This is more than that, for sure. It's almost overt. He is well aware that you realize he is paying you more than appropriate attention. That's why I'm suggesting making it crystal clear that this attention is unwanted. I feel like maybe he doesn't appreciate that fact yet.

[Asker]

What do you think he wants from me then? What do you mean by this is way more than just eye candy? I don't know I hope it’s nothing dark…if you know what I mean.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well I would assume that ultimately he wants sex from you. Not that he's hoping to get it that day, but that's always going to be the ultimate goal of guys showing interest in you with less-than-noble intentions. Unless you think he's a serial killer or something (not sure what you have in mind exactly when you say darker).

[Asker]

Yeah that’s the thing — I got the creepiest vibe from him when I caught him staring. It wasn’t normal. Honestly I called a friend about it right after saying I felt insanely uncomfortable and couldn’t understand why. For context I’m VERY energy/aura sensitive and can pick up on vibes and for him it’s literally like a gut wrenching feeling I can’t describe.

[SteveSmith1985]

Generally speaking I'm not energy/aura oriented person. (In fact, I think I involuntarily cringed a little when I read that).

But I AM a huge believer in "trusting one's gut instincts." I think that's particularily true when it comes to women trusting their instincts with regards to men.

So while I am "coming from" a very different paradigm that you're coming from: We end up on the same page. I believe you if you tell me that things felt "wrong" to that extent. I'm not going to try and tell you that you're wrong, or that you're inventing something that's not there. I believe you.

So if THAT's the case, then you need to be... basically as assertive as you need to be to get this dude to leave you alone. He's not going to react to your showing romantic disinterest, or reminding him he's engaged if his intentions are not those of the "typical guy" staring too much at a woman other than his wife.

If he's legitimately creeping you out, then it's time to throw politeness out the window. Definitely.

[Asker]

Thanks so much for the help. I’m uncomfortable because sometimes his fiancée is kinda cold around me and I don't know if it’s because she thinks he likes me or she thinks I like him (depending what he tells her I don't know what they talk about). He could also be on the spectrum so there could be neurodiversity involved.

[SteveSmith1985]

His fiancee could definitely be acting that way for either of those reasons. And it sounds like she's justified in noticing this, and being annoyed (just like you're noticing, and being creeped out). So I can't find any fault with her for that.

But you just figured out the answer. Something to do with something mental (if you suspect he's on the spectrum). I literally said "Oooohhhhhhhhh" out-loud when I read that part. That's what it is. That explains EVERYRTHING. That's strongly what I think is happening here.

[Asker]

Lol I genuinely think he is. It’d make a lot of sense. Maybe that’s the weird feeling I get around him. Maybe he didn’t mean to stare or be like this and maybe his wife knows he’s on the spectrum so she’s defensive about it. Lol could be a lot of reasons. But he’s also 35 so he probably would know how to act by now around women in that regard at least.

[spartan55]

He's not allowed to look at or talk to other women because he is engaged? That's absurd.