Wonder if I should just let myself be used?

[Anonymous]

I only attract flirty men and those that only want to use me for sex. I’m debating if I should go for those type of men because why not? 🤷‍♀️

[WaterIsland]

I think there’re a lot of reasons personally why this isn’t a good idea. Sex is one of the most intimate things people can share together. Having true connections and relationships with people I think is a lot better.


However, you have to decide what you value most. There are pros and cons. And you have to weigh those factors and make the best decision for yourself.

[Asker]

I just don’t care at this point.

[SteveSmith1985]

If you're looking for casual sex too, then it's fine. In that case, you aren't being "used." Everyone is on the same page.

However, if you're not just looking for casual sex... then no. You shouldn't let yourself be used. That's not a good idea.

[Asker]

That’s all I’m looking for is casual.

[SteveSmith1985]

Then I would say that's no problem. If that's the case, then it's not really a matter of "being used."

To me, it's the idea of "allowing yourself to be used" that's a problem.

What you're talking about is basically just casual sex between two people who both agree that the sex has no meaning. It's for fun. As long as both people are on the same page, and everybody is up-front about there being no expectations attached to the sex... then that's totally fine, healthy and great.

The only problem comes when both people AREN'T on the same page. A woman ends up "being used" when she is hoping/assuming that sex means something when it doesn't. As long as nobody is being deceived, or under a false-impression about what this sex means, then you're all good.

In fact, if you're genuinely also just looking for casual sex, then I would encourage you to find yourself a friends with benefits to have that casual sex. There's nothing at all wrong with that. As long as everyone's aware of the terms. I'd definitely say "go for it"! 🙂

[Asker]

I mean, that’s not a bad idea. I’m just worried about falling for my friends with benefits. Then again we can always call it off.

[Asker]

Thing is though I don’t have guy friends who want to do that.

[SteveSmith1985]

You're absolutely right about the "risk." You REALLY DO need to be careful about falling for your friends with benefits. No joke... that's a really really common way women get hurt. I talk to girls on here all the time who have fucked themselves over in this way. So really, that IS something you need to be careful of.

The problem is... it can be hard to "call it off" when... you like someone... and you're spending time with them and having sex. It's difficult to be rational in that situation. But you're absolutely right... at that point you SHOULD call it off. Or at least you'd need to have a chat about whether or not both of you wanted more. If not... you'd have to end it (or end up reaaaaly fucking hurt).

Basically, the main thing to keep in mind is:

Friends with benefits DOES NOT lead to a relationship. (occasionally it does. But it's a huge mistake to think that the two have anything to do with one another).

If you have romantic feelings for someone, you are fucking yourself out of any chance of a real relationship by making him your friends with benefits. That's the last guy you want to pick to be your friends with benefits. What you want is someone you DON"T have romantic feelings for. But someone who you're physically attracted to, and ideally... someone you feel is trustworthy.

I would be willing to bet that you do have guy friends who would want to do that. It's honestly, not something most guys are going to turn-down. It's more a matter of whether any of those guy friends are guy YOU would want to make a friends with benefits. It can change things between you two. But doesn't have to. It depends on the nature of your friendship. You can be pretty confident that most single guys are going to be up for some casual sex.

[Asker]

It’s true though. I don’t have guy friends who want something like that with me. They’re not into me like that. If anything, I would go for randos.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, going for someone random is certainly a viable option. It's just a bit more of "a lottery" as to who you end up "trying" (much like dating... people might end up less cool than you expect they'll be).

That's not to say that it's a bad idea. It's not a bad idea. It's just harder to end up with someone who you click with. I mean... as casual as the sex may be... you're still sharing your body with someone. You want them to be someone you at least like a little as a person.

That being said, I happened to have met my most recent friends with benefits totally totally randomly. And I lucked out. She's fucking great. She's one of the most genuinely kind-hearted people I've ever met. Couldn't have worked-out better so far as "lucking out" by choosing the right rando. So I mean, it certainly can work.

Just... be careful. Make sure you stay safe. Take proper precautions (e. g. Don't let a guy pick you up to bring you to his place to fuck. You're trapped if you decide you want to leave. Shit like that).

Also, I would advise just being up-front about looking for something meaningless/friends with benefits. Just make a profile somewhere, and be up-front about that.

But you should go for it!

[Asker]

I’m just nervous because I never did this sort of thing before.

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes... that's... totally totally understandable. Frankly, it's a nerve wracking prospect. To tell the world you want casual sex, and then hope you choose the right guy who you fell comfotable enough with to be able to enjoy sex. I absolutely get why you'd be nervous.

That's actually why it's often advantageous to make an actual friend a friends with benefits. It's someone you know, someone you trust, and someone who you feel comfortable with. It is a lot more nerve-wracking to hope you can find that in a rando. Casual sex may be casual... but there's still an inherent intimacy in having sex with someone. You need to be comfortable with the person you choose; be comfortable that your wishes and limits will be respected; and be able to relax enough to actually enjoy the experience.

Just... listen to your gut. If you don't feel quite right about a guy, or a situation... listen to your gut.

But... I can't tell you not to be nervous. It makes sense that you would be.

[Asker]

Unfortunately, all my guy friends are looking for something meaningful. So that’s not gonna work out. And I don’t think they see me that way anyway.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, if you don't feel that any of your guy friends would be ideal... I mean, I do believe you. That's certainly not an impossible scenario or anything. That can totally be the case. So If you say that your guy friends really aren't an option, then ok fair enough.

So then lets look at what options are open to you. Randoms you meet.

I actually think you're a thousand times better to go for a random you meet "online" rather than trying to find someone in-person. I have more to say about that, but first... I want to ask what you're thoughts are on that bit... because what I have to say might not be relevant.

[SteveSmith1985]

Also... if you prefer to take this conversation into DM, that's totally cool with me. Either way. 🙂

[Paul_in_Indy]

Yes you want to use those guys for sex, there is no reason why you shouldn’t. Otherwise, feel free to ignore them. I think the ball is in your court.

Just remember: You can use them. You don’t have to see it as letting them use you.

[John_Doesnt]

Dress like a woman who wants a serious relationship. If you're attracting flirty guys then you must look like the kind of girl who is into that.

[Asker]

My choice in clothing is tshirts and jeans. I still get the same results.

[John_Doesnt]

Then try a different outfit

[Asker]

Like what? Men are so hard to impress. I basically just given up.

[John_Doesnt]

men are really easy to impress. I see sexy dresses advertised on Amazon for $12. Wear what this chick is wearing and men will likely think you're classy. Jeans and tshirt says "I don't care" but a dress says "I'm a lady".
www.amazon.com/.../ref=sr_1_2

[Asker]

Oh! That is a pretty dress. But, unfortunately, I can’t afford it. Also, how often should I wear this? I work retail where I wear shirts and jeans and I don’t go out much.

[Asker]

However I’m going to Cancun in May with family and there’s a fancy restaurant that requires formal wear.

[John_Doesnt]

You can't afford $12? I think your priorities should be to focus on your finances instead of dating.

[Asker]

Not at this time, no. I have bills to pay 😅

[Asker]

To clarify, I never been on a date.

[MrCommodore]

No harm in having or enjoying sex, sometimes relationships blossom from it.

[Asker]

Yeah, I’m not that type to attract men who want more than just sex.

[MrCommodore]

You never know, maybe a guy will enjoy it and want to have sex with you regularly

[Asker]

Nah. I don’t see that happening.

[MrCommodore]

You obviously don't know how men work as they would.

[Asker]

I’ve had my experience with men. I know for a fact I’m not what they’re looking for.

[AmeerX]

No Sasha, don't let lust destroy you. You are on the right path. You can find a nice man who loves you and marry you

[Asker]

I don’t want marriage. I don’t care about that.

[AmeerX]

Still what about your self respect. You are not someone's meat

[kaucky1]

If possible try to avoid them all because they are brutal pretending to be somebody that they are not

[Guy13]

Whatever floats your boat. STDs though?

[Asker]

Can always get checked before and wear protection.

[Guy13]

Exactly. exchange medical physicals...

[CAPTAIN-OBVIOUS]

Not all guys are like this what the heck

[Asker]

I didn’t say they all were 🙄

[CAPTAIN-OBVIOUS]

So why give attention to the bad guys

[CAPTAIN-OBVIOUS]

That’s the problem in dating today. Nice guys get left behind

[Asker]

Because I’m bad myself. Would you want me to go for a good guy and fuck him up?

[Asker]

Also, if you have to call yourself a nice guy, you’re not as nice as you say you are. Action speak louder than words 🤷‍♀️

[CAPTAIN-OBVIOUS]

How am I not a nice guy?

[Asker]

I didn’t mean you personally.

[IAmPessoa]

No you deserve better

[Dat-Alpha-Lion]

You don’t mind the attention?