Is he mad at me because of my age?

[Anonymous]

***PLEASE DON'T ANSWER IF YOU'RE HERE TO INSULT AND BE CRUEL***

There's a guy I've been talking to IRL for a month now. We didn't exchange numbers or anything. He seemed frankly smitten but still shy. He was asking me about my relationship status and I asked him his.

We're both single.

There was a whole bunch of flirting but I freeze up when guys show overt interest because I've been duped so many times in the past.

We have a language barrier and I *think* he may have asked me to have breakfast with him and I didn't understand.

I asked him about himself and what he wants in life and he said he's simple. He wants a wife, a house and car and to do some travelling.

Then he said out of the blue "I'm 20 almost 21... how old are you?"

I'm 20 years older than him but I don't look anywhere near that. I still look 25-30

I didn't want to say my age. He guessed a bit and we joked about it.

I asked him why he wanted to know mine so bad and he just got a bit sad and said nevermind.

I saw him two days later and he seemed surprised to see me which was odd.

He also was on the phone and not really paying me much attention which was pretty out of character.

He was calculating something and my birth year was the number. I pointed to it and said that's your answer.

He looked at me like I was full of it.

Now he stopped smiling at me completely and is short with me. Like he's pissed at me. I didn't lie to him.

Is he just disgusted with me? I don't mind if he isn't interested but why so cold?

Updates

6 mo

I just remembered that he actually LIED about his age and initially said he was 23. Then he ra do fessed up and said he was 20 and tried to deny he said he was 23. I guess I'm not the only one insecure about their age!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it. I mean you asking him why he wanted to know your age so bad makes it sound as though you were hiding it from him. While you may not look your age in the whole concept od things he may have wanted someone his age, maybe a little older by a couple years not certainly not your age for a number of reasons. For one, fertility. Yes I know women have had ba it’s at much older ages but men tend to look for women who are younger, not just for looks but again fertility. Also maybe the possibility that you’re older so there may be some medical issues in your near future that he doesn’t want to deal w. Maybe too if it occurred to him he’s wondering why you’re as old as you are but you aren’t married? May raise some red flags in his mind. I’m thinking he isn’t ok w the age mainly.

[Asker]

I really didn't think he thought I was close to his age. I thought he was messing with me. I have kids already and I can still have more. I mean wouldn't that be a clue I was older? Why get all cold? I'm not chasing him or hounding him

[Opinion Owner]

Well you say you don’t look your age but you’re saying you didn’t think he thought you’d be close to his age, doesn’t really make sense. So either you really do look your age or you’ve never met him. To me that doesn’t make sense. Do you get what I’m saying? As for having kids maybe you had kids when you were in your teens, you know as well as I do that a lot of women do. But just cause you can have more kids doesn’t mean he wants to have kids w an older lady. Maybe he’s concerned that instead of looking like his girl CEO’s you may look like his mom. Maybe his family wouldn’t approve of it. Maybe he’s concerned about what his friends would think. Does he know you have kids?

[Asker]

LOL he knows me. I know my own age so my perception of myself is different than someone else. I really didn't think I came off as that much younger. I partly think it was is own wishful thinking.

People here are EXTREMELY disapproving of age-gaps especially older woman and younger man. He knows my situation and my kids too.

I don't care about age but I know other people care about it so naturally I am insecure about it. And society tends to be MUCH more critical of women who do things out of the norm than men.

Really, I would not ever look that far down the age scale but we just really got on so so well and were (are) absolutely attracted to one another. That's why I went with it.

But I have been reticent and I know he would pull back a bit because I was not always really reciprocating AGAIN because I thought he knew I was much older and I am not trying to get used for sex or money. I was like is this guy actually into me or what?

Now he is cordial but withdrawn and there is some awkwardness between us that was never there before. I just want to find the words so we can at least be cool.

[Asker]

Maybe he’s concerned that instead of looking like his girl CEO’s you may look like his mom.

No really I'm realising I really look much younger than I think. I wouldn't look like his mom hahaha. I din't have wrinkles or gray hair and I have always havd a baby face. I was happy about it but now as a divorcee who wants to re marry its cimolicating things. So-called age appropriate men men think I'm young and wouldn't want them and young guys are comittmwnt phobic. Sime older guys too. I just have to be patient.

[Opinion Owner]

I don’t think men care about age in relationships the way women do. Age wise yes men look at it from a fertility POV, unless he doesn’t want kids, maybe just looking to plow some bush than he isn’t concerned w her age. Women on the other hand I think look down more on other women because they tend to associate it w their sons. Like damn I could be his mother. I don’t think men think of it so much like that. Like damn I’m not going to have sex w her she could be my daughter. I mean there may be a few who do but I tend to hear that more from women than I do men. Women tend to be the ones who put down older men as well for being w younger women. Never really hear a man talk shit about older men w younger women. If anything they’re thinking lucky bastard. Maybe you should just continue w things rather than trying to explain it. It may make him feel more awkward, kind of makes you seem desperate as well to me if you were trying to explain that to me.

[Asker]

unless he doesn’t want kids, maybe just looking to plow some bush <<<<---- I have so muchbpast trauma from being lied to and getting used un this way to thebpoint where I can sabotage things when a guybshows he is keen on me. I think alk men are inly after ine thin and will abandon me right away. It hapoened once in high school and the guy was particularly cruel about it and I realise I never really healed from it.

Women are so judegmental it's a pain in this ass.

Maybe you should just continue w things <<<<---- continue with what? It seems dead to me.

Should I just ask him why did your mood change?

[Opinion Owner]

Continue w things as just let things be the way they are right now. Don’t try to question him about it, he may feel attacked or stop talking to you all together. I guess I’m saying give it a little time. I’m sorry to hear about your high school situation. I had my heart ripped out during my junior year. Girl cheated on me, got pregnant then tried to come back which stupidly I took her back a few times only to have her go back to him off and on. Eventually I said no more to myself, moved on. Have you tried getting therapy for your situation as far as not sabotaging potential relationships?

[Asker]

Oh man that sucks! She took advantage of your love for her. How did her life turn out? People are so cruel🤮.

I did look into therapy but couldn't find one I vibed with. I find other outlets. It took me years to even realise and acknowledge how much that event actually impacted me.

Yeah, sometimes things are better left unsaid. I hope I can get to explain my side of things one day.

Truthfully, I really didn't think he was flirting with intent. I guess he was. I'll just relaxed about it and not make it into a drama.

[Opinion Owner]

As for how she turned out. She has 7 kids w 4 different dudes. Never finished college, now she lives w her oldest daughter. The one who she got pregnant w when we were together. I was really heart broken at the time, but now I thank her for what she did cause if she hadn’t I wouldn’t have lived the life that I did all these years. I joined the military, met a shit load of awesome friends. Met a lot of women that’s for sure women love Marines. Got to travel to a lot of places during my time in service.
May I ask what exactly do you hope to achieve in explaining yourself to him? You hoping this will change anything? How many LTR have you had?

[Asker]

what dumpster fire. Dodging bullets in and out of the military I see. I was married for 11 years.

Before that, I wasn't very good at dating. I've always been socially extroverted but romantically very very shy. Inwasn'allowed boyfriends. My Dad was not really around and I had no brothers, uncles or male cousins.

I've been screwed over plenty because no one really explained men and their ploys to me. I'm reeeeeaaaalllly fragile in that area and unfortunately very guarded. Rimantic relationships, especially potential or blossoming ones, are very difficult for me ti manage. I really look so put together but I'm really still a very terrified woman in that regard. It took me years to even get to this stage of acknowledgment.

I am annoyingly hyper untuitive so most people din't get past my s**t test and I will nit suffer fools long. So I haven't had any LTRs before marriage.

What I hope to achieve: I want him to explain himself. I want him to tell me what he was trying to achieve with me. I just want to know where we stand with one another.

[Asker]

Also he never asked for my number so I reallly really really thought (think) he was just passing time and flirting for fun and I didn't want to get attached so I was not really reciprocating.

[Opinion Owner]

So if he said he was just looking for something casual would you be ok w that? If he was up front about it?
A lot of people don’t want to commit, they have their reasons. Older men may not want to commit because they’ve been screwed over in a marriage before w half their belongings taken. I think there’s plenty of men out there who don’t want children if you’re ok w that. But in this day and age it seems like dating is harder. Men aren’t like what they used to be which I believe is also not only because of times changing, but as well as a lot of women pushing a lot of things. Where was your father?

[Opinion Owner]

If that is what you felt then why is this such a big deal to you?

[Asker]

A casual situation isn't on the table at all. I don't do the pre marital sex thing.

Older men may not want to commit because they’ve been screwed over in a marriage before w half their belongings taken. <<< So True.

It's tough because I resigned myself to being without a husband for the rest of my life. People really view divorcees approaching middle age with kids as worthless or only good to pump and dump.

Forget our life experience, intelligence with, domestic skills and I'm multilingual and well-travelled to boot and funny.

I know that a lot of men and women think this way and I was very much ready to close myself off to avoid being hurt and mistreated. But obviously, I would rather be married, love and be loved.

The problem is that I am still very attractive, good looking and in good shape. So it's this constant turmoil of opprtunties coming up but me not wanting to have any hope because they are just constantly getting dashed. Continued ⤵️⤵️⤵️

[Asker]

I felt this way because a pattern has emerged that men are very impressed by me and just want to use me to see if they still got it with no thought or regard for how their flirting practice can really hurt a person's feelings.

I really liked the guy and just put it in my mind that he was doing the same thing so I wouldn't have to deal with all those painful emotions.

I've been acquainted with him for some time. The moment I moved to the neighbourhood he had always been interested in me but I never really gave him an opening because I could see he was really young but, from his body language and stuff, and ways he would stick up for me I could tell he was very attracted to me. So was I but, women have more control over this.

It just recently I ran into him again and left the door a bit cracked just to see and he made it very clear but, not aggressive, that he was into me. My "he wants to use me for sex" went into high gear and I stopped being my fun, hilarious alluring self. Then he asked me my age and I was said ok well it's funeral time for this he will never accept my age. And here we are.

My Dad is just a narcissitic man and was in and out. He did teach me stuff and is a brilliant guy just not a good dad.

[Opinion Owner]

Do you think that all men are really like this? Maybe what tends to attract you that you’re not aware of is men like your father? I don’t think all men are like this. There’s a lot of men out there who want relationships as well but women don’t give them the time of day. Maybe you not having premarital sex is one of the deal breakers for not co to king a relationship w you. I mean yes there are some me. Who will use you for that n it’s hard to say if you slept w this one of that one which one would still want to be w you. But a lot of men equate sex w love as far as being ina real relationship. Not all the time because men as well as some women can have sex w out feelings involved. But when a man is in a relationship I think if she’s not sexually actively w him he takes it as something wrong, that she doesn’t live him.

[Asker]

I'm Muslim in a Muslim country. Some men here like to see if they can bed religious wkmen as a test of theor sexual prowress because they know we don't do sex before marriage. I just don't know which one he was. At this point, he is not interested anymore clearly and I just need to get over it.

[Opinion Owner]

So is there a possibility of meeting a man who isn’t Muslim? Or would that be a bad thing?

[Asker]

no no no. Not even remotly. I just have to get over this. I have more than enough going in in my life to recover. I was thinking maybe he thinks I'm not into him. But with all these what ifs I think it's better everyone saves face and moves past it.

[Opinion Owner]

I think so too. I mean if you’re much younger looking than you are as you say, you shouldn’t have trouble meeting other men. The problem is figuring out which ones are legitimate in wanting something real.

I’m sorry we’ve written a lot, you said you were married at one time right? How long?

[Asker]

Yes, it's a huge challenge 11 years.

[Opinion Owner]

That’s quite a while. So what time is it where you’re at?

[Asker]

10 am

[Opinion Owner]

Wow still early there. It’s 3 am here. What does your day look like as far as what you’ll be doing today?

[Asker]

cleaning up after guests. what time zone are you in?

[Opinion Owner]

I’m in the mountain standard time zone. I’m at work right now. I’ll be off in about 3.5 hours. Guest?

[Asker]

i'll go with Nevada

[Opinion Owner]

Close. What country are you in,

[Asker]

Utah? In Morocco.

What if I just say to him "I thought you knew I was much older than you and that you were flirting with me for fun".

[Opinion Owner]

Nope not Utah. You could but again I’d just let it be for now. To me it almost make you seem like a stalker, like you’re obsessed w him.

[Asker]

And see what had happened was that after he told me his age I wasn't around for a couple days. And usually Inwould stay and chat but I had to go do something so I cut things a bit short. You think he took that personal?

[Asker]

when i saw him again

[Asker]

oh wow. a stalker. ok. just by clearing the air? that makes me a seem like stalker? Damned if I do damned if I don't If you play it cool you don't shown interest which is what Ibwas doing to see what he was about. So he thought I wasn't so keen. Now I want to clear the air and communicate I'm a stalker? What?

[Opinion Owner]

He could have. But it could have been a combination of both. But I think it may be the age difference. Chances are he wants someone around his age.

[Asker]

Yeah it seems my age determines the difference between interested and desperate. Not my behaviour.

[Opinion Owner]

Even if you were his age it would still make you appear desperate if you were still trying to explain something gnto him.

[Asker]

but i haven't explained anything to him. i've been silent. I just wanted to tell him where I was coming from. That's desperate? Good God. No wonder people can't have relationships if basic communication is seen as desperate.

[Opinion Owner]

It could come off as desperate or come off as stalking in. Away. Depends on how he takes it. Like I said I’d just leave it for now, maybe later on you can explain it to him.

[Asker]

yes, it needs explaining later on. the fact he had a whole demeanour shift means clearly he was disappointed in some way too.

[Asker]

what's your job?

[Opinion Owner]

I work as a medical assistant. What about you?

[Asker]

Artist

[Opinion Owner]

Hello. Been offline for a few days. How you doing?

[Asker]

great!

[Asker]

HEY! We both told each other we liked each other and we will get together in the evening soon. Thanks for your help. No one gives a hoot about anyone's age at this point so far.

[Opinion Owner]

That’s good. I’m happy for you. I hope things work out.

[Asker]

Thanks!

[spartan55]

Because you didn't just tell him to begin with and you played it off.

[Asker]

i guess. doesn't matter.

[spartan55]

Don't you see that your insecurity caused this.

[Asker]

What to do?

[spartan55]

Talk to him and tell him why you didn't want to say your age at first.

[Asker]

I think my age IS the problem. So why would I talk to him?

[spartan55]

Wow, you aren't getting it. Your age is not the problem. The way you handled it is. You don't want to accept that for some reason.

[Asker]

Ok. Thanks. That's actually better than it being my age.

[spartan55]

I've said this since the beginning, not sure why you suddenly buy it.

[Asker]

you've convinced me is all. thanks.

[spartan55]

Good luck!

[Asker]

I put the brakes in everything for a bit and today just told him I thought he was cute and handsome and that I wanted to get to know him better. He said me too. No age mentioning necessary. It is what it is. Thanks for encouraging me to just express my feelings.

[molonski2]

I'd say so , look you are far far too old for him so dont pester the guy , he's just a kid , its doesn't matter how old you think you look , would never work , you are old enough to be his mother , just leave him be , he needs a female younger than him , not 20 years older , just face the facts , he has made his intention clear.

[Asker]

I haven't gone near him since. I'm hardly pestering him.

[Asker]

i just don't get why he is acting like i wronged him.

[molonski2]

He feels initially deceived, anyhow it hardly matters , just let him go , he needs to get on with being youthful.

[Asker]

Plenty of women are coy about their age. I didn't deceive him. I just didn't tell him right away and I hinted I was much older than he thought before I did. I am not holding on to him so please stop implying I was chasing down this young man. We will still probably see each other and I just want to understand where he was coming from so I can smooth the situation over. We were having a lovely time together. There is no need to be stony faced and cold if we do interact.

[molonski2]

Well , all that is for him to judge , dont be concerned , get on with other more important issues than trying to seduce a 20 years boy..

[Asker]

Seduce? Your prejudice is showing. He was after me.

[molonski2]

That is your view , he's not making contact with you now -- Its stone.

[Asker]

Yes and also reality. Thanks for answering.

[molonski2]

Appreciated , good luck with whatever you are looking to achieve.

[Asker]

Yeah, looks like he was into me this whole time. Thanks for yur help.

[magiusX26]

looks more like he got upset about the lack of honesty by not just answering the question which sorry not sorry is a good valid question everyone should be asking if you do not already know their (real) age. also by doing so, you turned a you problem (worrying about how your actual age is percieved) into an issue with/for him and he lost interest.

[Asker]

Hmm. I think he's pissed about my age itself. Like I shouldn't have let him show how attracted he was to me knowing my age.

[spartan55]

How do you let him show how attracted he is? That doesn't even make sense. Guys don't think like that anyway.

[bean2k21]

Some spiritual and religious traditions do incorporate sexuality as a part of their practices. Bean2k21, for example, is a practice that emphasizes the integration of sexuality and spirituality to achieve greater awareness and consciousness. However, it's important to engage in any sexual acts, including atypical ones, in a consensual and ethical manner. That being said I can teach you discipline and the pleasure of being owned, and in so doing you will see that sexual acts can transcend temporal reality.

[Anonymous]

Lie of omission. You can say you didn't lie to him but it's still a lie. You have a double standard. You can deceive guys but guys aren't allowed to deceive you. Sorry if you think this qualifies as mean.

[Asker]

how did i lie when i TOLD him my age?

[Opinion Owner]

He asked you, you DIDN'T answer. This ain't rocket science. And to play dumb is only more infuriating. Because by that you're not only lying but you're also saying he's not smart enough to see it.

[Asker]

did you not read the post? he knows my age.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah he knows it NOW!

[Asker]

and it's then he changed so it's my age, i think.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah I would change to if you had me thinking one thing then told me another. I mean if you ALREADY misleading him it's not going to get better. Common sense stuff here.

[Asker]

It was really in jokey coy way and I did tell him. And come on a lot of women play coy. After he learned my age he started teasing me saying oh you're 55 yesrs old because I joked and said I was 55 the day before and we laughed about it. Hebwas self-conscious about his age too saying that he was 20 years old and a half and that he was going to be 21 soon.

I saw him again actually and he was just cordial and smiley. It feels a little tense though. Don't know if I should say anything or not?

[LiamJHayden]

Sounds like he assumed you were only a couple of years older, not nearly twice his age. Age is a stumbling block for lots of people.

[Asker]

I truly thought he realised I was older and was just flirting with me as a joke or for fun. I mean if you find out someone is out of your age bracket you would just be a bit diasppointed. But I just don't know why he just got so cold and unfriendly?

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Age is age & nowadays I still don’t understand why ladies are sooooo afraid to tell someone their age, what is the big deal?

[Asker]

Well, I think my story is a case and point why. I really thought he knew Inwas older and was just toying with me to entertain himself and I was playing along even though I did like him but I had no expectations so it wasn't a big deal.

[Asker]

also have you read the horrible things people say about women past 23 on here?

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Honestly is the best policy as they say & in his mind he’s probably saying this bitch is playing games & he’s probably not mad he’s probably just moving on.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

How old are you?

[Asker]

I. told. him. my age. I don't care what ANYONE says I didn't lie. I just didn't answer right away.

[Asker]

read the post.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Your Welcome By The Way.

[HippieVeganJewslim]

Sounds like he’s ageist.