Wondering why men only see me as sex at first?

[Anonymous]

Many men want to pursue a sexual relationship and rush sex with me firstly.

Men will then after the fact want more but I'm confused why men see me this way & I'm not asked on a date.

Now hold on, I get it that I have the power to put a stop to that. But if I tell every man no... it won't continue.

I'm just wondering why men want to bed me so fast

I also get men are sexual in nature so that's not the answer I'm looking for.

I've changed the way I dress and carry myself on dating profiles in the past. Still not much had changed

Updates

+1 y

I see no one likes to read except one person

Edit: when I tell a man no for sex fast, sometimes it doesn't go further. Mostly, if it does they like me and want to date me.

[RealMarek]

It’s no big secret that some men (not all) will do or say just about anything to get sex. And in this day and age, there are many who will ask for sex quickly. Some of these will disappear after they make a conquest. Others will “return to the well” for awhile to have more sex until another girl catches their eye. Others will be a boyfriend but refuse to make a permanent commitment.

If you want a man who is looking for a permanent relationship and you have been attracting a lot of men who are in it for the sex, I don’t see any way to improve the outcomes other than to withhold sex until you have time for a man to demonstrate that he is truly interested in being with you. Will this cause many men to refuse to date you? Yes. That is the desired outcome if you want to find the ones who prioritize you over access to sex. Of those who are willing to go on multiple dates with you before having sex, the challenge is to discern which are genuine and which are playing a long game just to get in bed with you. Look for consistency. Look for a man who expresses a desire for commitment and has values similar to yours. Be sure of these things before having sex if at all possible, and your odds of finding a committed significant other will improve.

[razelove]

Your age is likely a factor there. Dating just gets harder as you get older, men generally want younger women, whether that lines up with what they can get or not. There could be other things going on, but I don't know you, or who you're going after.

I'd say age is the biggest one there. It's easier to date and lock someone down in your 20's, at this point I wouldn't bother looking for another serious relationship for about 1 decade if my marriage didn't work out.

Having casual while raising my kids would be good enough, also not having to worry so much about starting another family. Where would it benefit me?

[Asker]

Where would it benefit you? Let's see, you get to keep all your money and hardly no stress in casual. Men CAN marry past a "wall" men can still impregnant past a "wall" men can change the whole dynamic to relationships.
I disagree with you with age. I hardly met any men worth a relationship and marriage. Only one guy but I was too shy to speak to him then. A genuine good guy. So it's not always my fault or women. I used and got used and abused. If men want to hang that over womens heads well she's over 30 she's damaged goods. Then fine. I'm NOT afraid to be alone. I'm not afraid to have a friends with benefits (most of them fall in love with me anyway) but usually those men are a bit playerish and to me not healed. I want a man healed or I'm the healing journey/process. I'm looking to be happy with someone. I want my core values to match with that man and vice versa. It's hard out here!!

[kylee2437]

So men will try to push their way through with just about any woman. It’s in your hands to add boundaries depending on what you would like from the situation. If you aren’t into the idea of fast hook ups, dismiss any conversation in regards to sex. If a guy is only conversing about sex and isn’t showing signs of actual care , that is reasonable to cut him off. The control is in your hand.

[FilmGuy93]

Well how do you approach these men? What do your interactions look like, in the lead-up to them propositiioning you?

Because when men only want sex with women, it's usually because the men aren't picking up on something more valuable within the women and the sex turns out to be fairly bland. So it's like, the men just don't have anything else to connect to.

I'm curious to hear your view on these situations, and what do you feel the connections were like?

[Asker]

I don't approach men... anymore. I used to get rejected ALL the time. I've learned to smile in person and give them some type of indication I am open to talk and friendly nice whatever. That was going to be my next question, how to be a woman of high value or value there of. I don't want to hear from women... single women at that. I want to hear from men
They are the gatekeepers, why not ask them

[Asker]

I think I am someone of medium high value. I still have much to grow and learn but I want to be seen more serioisly

[Asker]

Seriously**** lol sorry

[FilmGuy93]

Okay, so the reason I was asking you is because it seems like you (like a lot of people) have taken a very scattershot approach to meeting men. I don’t like the term “high value” because I think it implies a weird perception that there’s going to be a formula that people are supposed to follow to become a desirable product, when the reality is that you’re really just trying to make yourself someone that people want to have and be around.
It kind of sounds like what you’re telling me is that you want men to tell you when a connection is good and then you’ll sort of mirror his energy. If that’s true (and please tell me if it isn’t), the only thing men can base their connection with you on is your looks, because you won’t have voluntarily shown him anything else to connect with.
If I’m talking to a woman who wants to please me and tell me what I want to hear; I don’t know anything about who she is because everything she’s told me is who she thinks I want her to be. I don’t know her hobbies; she hasn’t told me about any of them. I don’t know her opinions about seafood; she just wants me to be happy that we went to a seafood restaurant.
If you wanted to connect with another woman, what would you do? You would talk about your hobbies. You would go to fun places together. You would tell her stories about yourself. You wouldn’t just be whatever you thought she wanted you to be. Why? Because it would be obvious to both you and her that your participation in the friendship wasn’t genuine. Women’s interactions with men are the same way.

[Asker]

I don't need a formula to get people to like me. I am the formula lol
Now that doesn't exclude people men and women who may envy or start some weird abrasive approach but that's not me at all. I just want to learn how to be taken seriously.
So I know how to form aquantances and friendships but I want something real. Something deep and meaningful. I get that I have to be that. But attracting what I want and need seems far unlikely only because a lot of people are hurting out here. I don't have time to feed in to any of that unless my friend or lover is actually taking those necessary actions TO heal. How do I even get to a point to go further with men. Most are con artists. Most texting relationships can't get a man in public or on the phone. They usually ask me "get to know you quick scheme texts" just to SEEM interested. No one's hardly genuine. The streets got everyone messed up in the mind.

[FilmGuy93]

Gotcha gotcha... The biggest thing I've found to being taken seriously comes from knowing how to set boundaries with people. In my experience, being able to directly tell people where you're at mentally/emotionally, and being perfectly fine with telling them "no." People take what you give them, so if you have a very clear sense of who you are as a person and what you can give them, they're less likely to try and con you.

Conning you simply wouldn't be worth that person's effort; they already know what they'll get from you, so they are less likely to even try.

[Asker]

I don't agree. Cons will try!!
But it's how far you let them go.
Most if not some " give them an inch they will take a mile" it's all in my power to stop them. But yes that's true they can't go further if I don't allow it

[BarryLiverstone]

As you said you control how the guys will treat you. But I’ll respond and ask if you also feel any sexual desire and chemistry with them initially? Think it’s normal and natural to feel that initially but it’s how you channel that tension and delay the sexual actions that can lead to some fun first dates.


Yes initially what you look like can be a sexual turn on for a guy but that’s mostly because he doesn’t know anything about you and hasn’t connected with other parts of who you are as a person. That’s the entire point of going on dates and slowly learning about each other and if you are a match in all the ways

[Asker]

So, I understand that. My thing is why am I so different that men want to bed me faster than other girls.
Regardless how I feel for them it doesn't matter how sexually I'd be inclined.
I'm looking into the minds of these men & why even if I do shut it down mostly won't go past that. But if I do sleep with them they like me like me most times

[BarryLiverstone]

You are not different. You are normal.

Getting into the guys mind here could be complicated but I’m happy to try on every point:

Why shut down when you say no - this is because there is a rejection and the guy would rather find someone else because you have clearly rejected him and not taken a chance to get to know him.

If you have Sex they like you - well in a guys mind he liked the sex and wants it again. It’s hard for many guys to have access to sex so they will sometimes lie and other times try hard to get that sex again. Also some guys are used to hookup culture and believe only after sex can they start to date.

Did you have other questions on how a guy may feel?

[Asker]

Yes, when a guy may pull away? I was ghosted years ago and he was the only time I re-initiated which I've never done again after the fact. So, I take ghosting as uninterested.
Men a lot of men want me to chase them. No, I don't have the attitude " I don't chase I replace" I'll be honest. I'm exactly like that. Honestly, I'm afraid to chase after someone and show all those emotions I may have for someone just for them to keep playing me because when will it stop? I'll put a stop to it. Right there the moment I see any sign of a ghosting. I don't engage and back to square 1

[BarryLiverstone]

Sorry that ghosting experience has affected your chances with current romantic interests. No one is perfect and in the beginning guys will pull back for multiple reasons. The way I see it is if there is some mutual attraction then go on a date or two. You don’t wanna have Sex yet but a few dates will help find the chemistry you share. Even if you sense the guy is ghosting it’s not chasing to follow up on communication.

[BarryLiverstone]

And to answer “when may a guy pull away”: many times

If he’s just looking for a hookup and you say no to sex he’s gone and onto someone else

If he’s interested but has self confidence issues when you reject him then he’s likely to think it’s him and pull away

If he’s inexperienced he may pull away if you show attention or act clingy as he would be worried about feeling trapped

If he’s been on a few dates and doesn’t feel more into you than when you first met he may pull away as he’s not finding a reason to keep trying

[Asker]

Thays fair.
I need to understand more on a man whose purposefully vs a pleasure man
I've been doing a lot of growing and healing. I realize not everyone has the same heart as me and the men I'm still attracted to may be my downfalls. I'm not sure why I can't be attracted to a man AND have a purposeful relationship. I think I may have ruined all of that for myself now

[BarryLiverstone]

I’ll also add that I believe a guy “pulling away” is normal in the context of dating today. By that I certainly don’t mean ghosting but what I mean is less frequent communication between dates especially you met online. I’ve noticed that some girls see the frequency and consistency of communication (calls, texts..) as a way of judging if a guy is into them behind the first date and after. But in my opinion there should be space and each person should stay focused on their other goals in life when first dating someone. Again that’s not ghosting and not ignoring; but rather setting expectations and following up with actions (like “I really enjoyed our date, am looking forward to seeing you again next weekend”)

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok to better understand a fuckboi (just a hookup for pleasure) vs someone genuine it’s all about time and promises. A fuckboi will shower you with compliments and will be really hot and flirty up front, driving you into a sexual situation. Someone more genuine is going to do these things also but he will be more into making plans and more into learning about who you are. A genuine guy will not be in it for the short term but will want to take you out on new experiences and not end the date naked

Does that make sense?

[BarryLiverstone]

I gotta get some work done but feel free to ask more or follow me and I’ll try to help later on

[Asker]

Absolutely
I'm just. confused why men are after or still thinking about me 10 years down the line where they wanted me to chase after them and I didn't. Or is it true a man who can have literally any girl out there still be thinking about me years later? That's where I was sort of. confused. Indeed the mistake of thinking with my.. not brain... and was in last over a guy. But once he fell all the way off I'm thinking totally opposite now and what I've been through recently with growing and learning myself

[BarryLiverstone]

Don’t be confused about a guy. If he’s chasing you after getting rejected 10 years ago it may be more him than you. Many reasons a guy would think that right?

[Leapfrog00]

It could be because to them, you look hot, and some guys get it in their heads that hot girls like sex, and they think it's easier to get them in bed.

These guys obviously aren't smart though. All girls like sex, and all guys like sex. People have hormones and sexual urges. Some guys really push that though and see how long it takes to seduce a girl.

Guys usually look at hot girls as a sex object. Next time it happens, come up with something intelligent to say and see if they like you for your brain, rather than your body. If not, then you'll know they just want you for sex.

[OfMiceandMen]

So you're saying, men don't want to take the time to get to know you through the formality of dating, they prefer to get to know you after that initial sexual encounter... sometimes/most of the time?

Am I correct?

I wonder if it goes back to the whole "Try before you buy" thing. They may already see you as potential girlfriend material, but they have to "taste the goods" (if you will) before they can decide whether or not to continue to the dating stage.

Let's face it, dating can sometimes take weeks or even months with everyone's schedules these days. From a purely logical perspective, it seems reasonable to test the passion/sexual compatibility to determine whether the relationship is worthwhile pursuing. Life is short and no one wants to waste anyone's time moving forward in an incompatible relationship.

Not sure, if I am even close to hitting the mark here...

[Fireguy17]

Because many guys are just after getting laid.
Once they have sex with you it may just occur to them that you are more than a one night stand, and that you are a nice person.
But they probably just wanted to get laid.
Sadly a lot of guys are like that, I know I used to be many years ago.

[shades777]

Would it make sense to pay for a oven that you could not use? and how many payments would you make before you become upset you can't use the oven to cook?


If you followed the analogy correctly the woman is the oven and the man is the purchaser of said oven and the use of the oven is sex.


That is the essence of why a man wants sex sooner than later because from a logical perspective it simply does not make sense to invest or make payments on a oven (woman) that you can not use to cook with (sex).

[Sharkstealth]

Mostly I get shut down and thrown out of any friendships no matter how long they have been for making any comment whatsoever about sex. I had 5 good female friends along with 3 good male friends that shut me out because they invited me to a pool party and I said I couldn't wait to see the girls in bikinis. Now I'm reading how a gal lets guys have sex with her in order to further a relationship possibility. I don't know why I'm treated the way I am.

[BoopBoopBeep]

What do you consider fast? If it's 3 months in and you still consider that fast that's different than date 2. We need context to answer in a helpful manner.

[Avicenna]

Where are you meeting men? If it is only on dating apps, you will probably continue to have this problem since that is what men are mostly on there for

[LiamJHayden]

Could be the circle you are in or the places you frequent. Of it could just be that most guys prioritize that.

[TheMadLad]

Because you gave them your body first.

what do you expect?

[Bklynbadboy12]

That means your gorgeous with a hot body you just have to take your time to find out who really wants you for you

[clampfan101]

Not all guys are like that.

[SandyKandy]

Maybe they just want that.

[In_Trance]

Stop talking your clothes off so soon