Was it wrong to offend my boyfriend and mess with his ego?

[Anonymous]

I got into an argument with my boyfriend and he keeps complaining about things that he wants to fix about himself but never actually does anything to change himself for the better, I tried talking to him so many times and nothing worked. This time I compared him to his more successful cousin and how he should learn a thing or two from his cousin and he got all hurt and isn't talking to me. I just didn't know how else to talk to him in a way he will understand and actually make a change, so was I wrong for doing this?

[Levin]

'Messing' with his ego is not clever. We all have an ego and none of us is perfect. A friend did that to me. It killed the relationship. The same could happen in a relationship. A girlfriend is supposed to have your back and be a safe space. Feelings of warmth and trust are fleeting when people ride roughshod over your feelings. There can reach a point where it does and there is no going back.

Better way is understanding. Questioning. What the problem is, talking, communicating, going deeper into his subconscious. People just want to be heard, listen to, respected, ultimately. There may be a context for tough love. But kneading peoples insecurities by comparing them to other people will just turn them against you.

[Asker]

I understand, maybe I didn't really think about that because we were also in the middle of an argument when I told him this and I was so fed up already you know? This has been going on for a year and he isn't making these changes it's all talk so I told him look up to your cousin go a learn a thing or two from him because when he says something he does it unlike you and then he just attacked me back and hasn't spoken to me the whole day, I tried apologizing but he doesn't wanna talk. I guess ill give him his space, and thanks for your input i appreciate it, gave me a new perspective of how I need to approach this situation even though I know I've done everything. Some people just learn the hard way unfortunately.

[Levin]

Well, to be fair, I didn't know about that situation. So indeed, maybe some form of 'tough love' is appropriate. You just have to be careful about how you go about it. Ultimately, you have to respect yourself and you can't allow a relationship to go on indefinitely where it's not going anywhere.

[Asker]

you're right thank you <3

[Asker]

Hey, I'm trying to delete this question, but I can't unless you delete this answer so if you can do this for me I'll be glad 🙏🏻 thank you it's just my boyfriend wants to see my account ans I don't want him to see that I'm asking these kinds of questions about him.

[Billlewis]

I've been trying to figure out how to do that myself.

[Asker]

@Billlewis you can't delete it? This website is ridiculous honestly you can't edit or delete anything 😭😭😭

[Billlewis]

You will never go wrong when you thoroughly humiliate your boyfriend, regardless of the situation, occasion or circumstances. Moreover, I firmly believe that if more women incorporated humiliation and shame into their relationships, the men in their lives would benefit tremendously from this approach.

[Asker]

Really? How do?

[Asker]

So*?

[Asker]

Or are you being sarcastic? 😅

[Billlewis]

Oh, no, not at all. The most common deficiency men tend to have is a lack of humility, and the best way to teach a man humility is to humiliate him, and it's generally accepted that when a guy experiences humiliation and shame on an ongoing basis, for an extended period of time, he becomes highly sought after by a lot of women, because they know they can refuse to let him have any pussy.

[Asker]

I'm so sorry but I'm not following, I thought its such a horrible things that I compared him to his cousin because I knew it was a weak spot and his family also compares him a lot to his cousin so I took advantage of the fact that it makes him insecure and used it against him to wake him up abit, he hasn't spoken with me the whole day.

[Billlewis]

Because they're only horrible things if he has a fragile ego. If he's strong enough to experience that kind of embarrassment and he's still crazy about you, that's when you know you've got him pussy whipped without letting him have any pussy, giggle!'

[Asker]

Hey, I'm trying to delete this question do but I can't unless you delete this answer so if you can do this for me I'll be glad 🙏🏻 thank you

[provokeesmokee]

Hhm, well, hurtful. Not necessarily wrong.

I can see how you think tough love is helping, but most men can't take tough love from a partner. Perhaps you should talk to his parents or friends to see if they have suggestions on how to help him.

But ultimately, there's a lot of people who will do nothing but complain and never do what needs doing.

I had an ex like that and just couldn't stand him after a while. I'd transitioned careers and added 25% annually to my salary and he... quit his job in that time.

Some men don't want to improve themselves. They just want to whine.

[Asker]

I agree I mean I though maybe tough love will help because being gentle didn't do anything for him and I've done it for long enough and kudos to you for changing careers and upgrading you should be proud of yourself im doing that right now but it isn't easy, thanks for your input I appreciate it ❤️

[_Maya_]

Well you shouldn't compare people to other people. That is really not fair because if you take into consideration all the different circumstances that can exist that are different between them it really isn't fair. I understand you want your boyfriend to better himself but breaking him down is not the way to do it. The way to do it is by being supportive and building him up along with his confidence. He will appreciate the encouragement.

[Asker]

So what should I do now that I said what I said? I feel really bad but I really felt the need to hurt him a bit in order for him to really change himself because some people only start to do things when they get hurt or offended.

[_Maya_]

Well you can't take it back. Maybe you can just say sorry I shouldn't have said that. I really do want to help you change or better yourself (or however you want to put it) and I will be here to support you. What can I do to help? Something like that?

[Asker]

Well i hope that works because he's really really stubborn and won't let me help him because he doesn't want help. You know what they say it's hard to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves i just hope it will be ok and he will wake up to his life, anyways thank you so much 🙏🏻❤️

[_Maya_]

You are welcome. I hope it works too. What is he trying to better himself at? Is it just in general or something specific?

[Asker]

He wants to lose weight and change career paths but isn't doing anything to actually change himself he's only talking non stop but not taking any action.

[_Maya_]

Okay so the career thing is harder to help with but the weight is a little easier. All about motivating him. Do it with him. Start with asking if you want to take a walk since it is nice out. Just extend it and walk fast. Also maybe offer to cook for him and start refining what you make so they are really healthy.

[Asker]

Well i wish it was that simple we live in different cities and are planning to move in at the end of the year so I'm sure it would be easier in that case but we physically don't live with eachother lol I really appreciate you're advice you're very kind!

[_Maya_]

Ah got it. Yeah that is tough then. Okay so here is what I would do. Use now until the end of the year to come up with some ways to motivate and live healthy. That is better than nothing at all. Then when you live together you will have a plan like what you are going to make healthy to eat and maybe places to walk or a gym you can both join. Do what you can. Oh and you are very much welcome. I am happy to help however I can. 💜

[Asker]

You're right and will do thank you so so much! by the way you're so pretty! (saw your profile pic, not a stalker lol) take care girly thanks again! ❤️

[_Maya_]

Lol I don't take that as stalking. I put it there so people can put a face to the name. Thank you! that is very sweet of you to say. You are welcome and best of luck to the both of you! End of the year will be here before you know it.

[Asker]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[BasedBaeBecca]

If you were trying to motivate him or make him realize the importance of self-improvement, then I don't think you were wrong, as long as you did it with respect and in a non-judgmental way. If your intentions were to hurt or make him feel inadequate, on the other hand, then yes, I think it was wrong. It all comes down to delivery. If there's something your partner has been struggling with and you want to help them, there are gentler ways to go about it. Try to be sensitive to their feelings and find a more tactful way to communicate your concerns.

[Asker]

Yes I understand but I've been gentle with him until now and we were in an when I hurt him I just can't take his talking and complaining anymore but not doing anything to change himself, this has been going on for a year now and it's getting worse so I couldnt take it anymore enough is enough.

[NotTacocaT6969]

Comparing him to someone else was a bit harsh, but I understand the frustration that led you to do that.


Personally I would apologize to him for that part and explain that I was mad and got too extreme.

[Asker]

Yeah I tried talking to him but he's upset so I'll give him time for himself. Thanks though 🙏🏻

[Anonymous]

Hard to tell just based on this. I don't know if he's truly the guy you say he is. Or whether you're just judgmental and pushy.

[Asker]

No, I really did try to help him in every way I'm not pushy, and I know he wants to change he told me but he isn't taking any action and it's been like this for a year now so it's really frustrating at this point.

[Opinion Owner]

Well you need to say "s*** or get off the pot" then.
I'd tell him "I'm with you right"? "That should be your clue i acvept who you are whether you change or not". "If you want to change these things I support you". But don't tell me you want to change and then not do it". "Because I'm experiencing that failure wit you and that bothers me". "I would rather you just not say anything than to tell me you want to change and then not even make an attempt".
Because the IMPRESSION I get is he really doesn't want to change. Or at least doesn't want to put the effort forth to do so. But he wants you to think he does.

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice thats exactly how I feel, I know he feels bad about himself and he has a low self esteem he tells me all the time so I try to help and push him in a patient and kind way or motivate him and then he says he'll do it, then go back to his old habits after a day or two, it's really driving me crazy at this point and you said exactly what I feel and think I accept him for who he is but if he says he isn't secure with himself and wants to change but doesn't do anything it's really annoying and frustrating and in all honesty a big turn off.

[BigDog1989]

He wants you to tell him he doesn't need to change, hun. He wants yo to be proud of him, not want something else

[Asker]

well there's nothing to be proud of if he isn't doing anything and sitting on his bum while complaining at the same time that he wants to change. Its ridiculous