Hello,
I amde friends with a guy who previously rejected me.
He lives in a different country which I visit very often.
The other week he (36yo) booked a hotel near me and invited me to a fancy restaurant, paid for everything and asked what I want to do. All the time he was pretty clear that we are friends. Do mele friends usually do that? I'm a bit cofnused. I had male friends in the past butnot like this
Maybe he's hoping you'll have sex with him. He rejected you because he doesn't want to commit to you, but he likely is fine with having sex with you. He probably hasn't had sex in a long time, so he would do it with you regardless of whether he's actually attracted to you. When he asked what you wanted to do, he was giving you the opportunity to suggest having sex in the hotel room. But it sounds like despite the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, he is still trying to be nice by giving you a good experience, and not forcing you to have sex with him if you don't want to.
Earlier he suggested going to a different place but I joked around and said maybe should go to sleep instead.
. Then he asked what i want to do. I wasn't sure so I don't think he had a hotel room in mind at all.
Just a bit confusing why a guy would do that.
And now after reading the comments here feel a bit icky and delusional.
Maybe he wasn't interested in me as a person at all but thought he'd have casual fun... I don't know.
Just adding to my last reply -
The same night he kept looking at me and said - you are weird-
But he kept referring to himself as weird too.
I'm pretty sure it means nothing to him but for me - I keep thinking about it...
Are you content being purely platonic? I feel like if you were then you wouldn’t look deeper into things than you should after the fact he’s already turned you down. For him to get a room near you and invite you to dinner I’m wondering if at most he’s trying to build up to a sexual exchange since he’s already clarified he doesn’t want romance.
That makes perfect sense
Whether you go or not is up to you, but I’d be sure not to let things go further than friendly. He shouldn’t get to have it both ways, wanting girlfriend treatment on a just friends budget.
Well, we went, he paid for everything and then asked what I wanted to do.
Also he chose a hotel 10 mins of walking from mine.
He never mentioned anything sexual just said I look nice that evening.
Then after that. When we were at a different place getting drinks he paid again.
Finally we were drinking tea and he asked me if I ever went to see a therapist because apparently all his exes needed one. (some had anxiety issues and one had bipolar disorder).
Why one earth would he ask me that if we are friends?
Then he asked me if i thought men and women can be friends. And he referred to us an pen pals.
This is really confusing. I like to treated but not this way.
I'm reeaaaally confused about his motives
This guy throws friendship around too much for there to be any confusion lol at least from my POV. Like the man’s calling you a pen pal for goodness sake, he repeatedly seems to drive that “friendly” point home to where it’s like alright man, I get it, we are friends only. By him mentioning his ex’s, I think that’s just his only point of reference when it comes to the women who have been in his life. We could all use some form of therapy, I can’t think of a friend I keep now who hasn’t had therapy, so I’m not surprised his ex’s have gone. I guess ultimately I should circle around to my first question of if you’re fine being platonic, and if you genuinely are then there’s no need to confuse yourself or overthink. Then it appears as though you’re looking for a change of heart in him.
I've been thinking hard about it and yes I do fancy him but being just friends is fine with me too.
I'm just really confused why he would do all this stuff? Is that ehat male friends do these days?
Like you mentioned - he might have wanted to back to hotel after dinner.
So my main worry is that I wouldn't want him to see me only as a causal hoopup. Meaning that he wasn't interested in friendship since tge beginning. Just having casual sex...
Unfortunately that is a tale as old as time, men acting under the guise of friendship to get what they want. I don’t want to vilify him completely but at the same time, it is so very rare for men and women to be purely platonic from start to finish. You know you have feelings for him and settling, but if it were on the table you’d probably date him. I think he recognizes this and it works in his favor to ultimately get what he wants out of you. You only will make it confusing for yourself when you don’t want to see his true nature and instead perceive him as an innocent man.
I really have a gutt feeling that he is actually good.
Or at least I had.
To clarify at first he suggested going to a different place ( sort of place where people gather, listen to music etc not a club). I joked around and said that maybe should just go to sleep after (it was 9pm ish.
After the dinner he told me to think what we're going to do next (since i rejected the first idea). And made nos sexual advances.
I'm really really confused. If at least it wasn't a super expensive dinner with 6 courses and him getting a place nearby.
Maybe you are right. I'm very confused by my gut.
He is a person who knows everyone and his best friend is female. Also he is friends with his ex and her husband..
But now I feel like maybe he just wanted to for a casual hookup? Which honestly hurts...
I’m not saying he’s a bad person, I’m fact I can respect this guy. He’s been very clear about seeing you as a friend, and since you still agree to speak with him and hangout, he assumes you are fine with this and whatever happens happens. If that includes hooking up at some point, he will think you are ok with just that, even if secretly you’re not. I don’t want to paint him as a villain, he is just a man with money who prefers the company of women (I. E his female best friend, his ex, etc). I just think you need to have a platonic frame of mind without overthinking these actions. If you can’t put your romantic feelings aside, then you are setting yourself up for hurt at the end of the day.
Thank you for your advice. Seriously appreciate it and it made me look at things differently.
For some reason after last time we met I felt uneasy and couldn't quite put a finger on it.
In the end, when we went to the third place he kept staring at me very intently and said - I can't quite figure you out. You seem like a very kind hearted person -
I replied, jokingly - are there horns sticking out of my head? -
And he sort of went mute and then started talking about his exes being narcissists/needing therapy.
You analyserld thr above very well. And I realise That I do have feelings for him. And at some point it's like he tries to make it clear that I'm not that special of a person so perhaps I should just understand the clues...
It isn’t about you being special or not, it just sounds like he’s noncommittal, at least right now. On top of that, you live in separate countries and while yes you visit very often it isn’t the same as being able to see you every day and build something. LDR situations aren’t suited for everyone. So I’m not saying that’s what’s going on in his mind but I wouldn’t be surprised. Anyway, I figured you have feelings for him, and I think that contributes to why there’s so much confusion. For someone like me on the outside and without those emotional attachments I feel like his motives and where he stands is very clear. It’s only made confusing when you purposely want to make more of his actions. To which I’d say maybe it’s worth having an adult conversation about what exactly is happening between you two. Ask yourself what makes you so reluctant. Is it fear of rejection? Or already having an idea of what the answer will be?
Also, I took a quick look over your comments to others just to make sure I wasn’t repeating something said already. To be clear, my intent isn’t to make you feel icky and delusional, I never implied he was purely using you for sex or anything like that. I just look at the situation as a whole and I believe your feelings (not delusion) is what makes you dig deeper into these outings. He’s plainly called you his friend, even a pen pal, so there’s just no room to interpret his actions as anything other than self-serving. That’s why I say to uphold his desire for friendship. Don’t waste time searching for an answer you already have and instead abide by what he’s putting on the table. No inbetweens.
I understand completely. What do you mean by self - serving?
Hi,
Sorry to be a pain. I know I am absolutely delusional.
But after the last time we met (the conversation I mentioned earlier) he changed a bit. He doesn't like my photos anymore which is fine but this is the first time in months he didn't. Also the chats became a tad colder.
We used to have warm chats now it is different.
So finally I wrote - well, looks like you don't like me anymore.
He replied - it is not like that it is complicated.
I said I'm confused and what's complicated - he replied - me you
I asked again and he said - I like you. Everything is ok.
This is weird. Is he playing games?
I'm not sure what to think of this.
Not a pain at all, sorry I’m just getting back to you I somehow missed this notification. I’m sorry you’re going through all this, honestly though I just think you need some space from talking to him so you can get over the crush. To be honest, I don’t find anything confusing about his actions since he’s said clearly where you two stand. I think you try to be cool with platonic friendship but that is hard when sometimes he’s flirty, takes you to nice places, or anything that comes off as suggestive. In his mind, he’s already said you’re friends so as of now he thinks you’re just cool with this and the nature of your relationship. But I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself at all, in fact I think you will cause yourself a great deal of pain by getting comfortable where you stand.
Hello,
No worries at all and no need to apologise. Thank you for the kind words.
He got me very confused when I asked him whether he likes me anymore (I'm a very straightforward person).
I asked if he liked me anymore and he replied that it's complicated. You are absolutely right. I thought I am getting over him but after he said that I've been thinking about it non-stop.
Still not sure what he meant...
Thank you for the good advice. I will reflect on this. And sorry for dragging on with this...
Just adding to my last reply -
The same night he kept looking at me and said - you are weird-
But he kept referring to himself as weird too.
I'm pretty sure it means nothing to him but for me - I keep thinking about it...
No need to apologize, you really like this guy and the idea of him pulling away is hurtful. I think you need to acknowledge this though, so you can accept you want more than friendship and process that fact finally. When you asked whether or not he likes you anymore, to me that was a cop out as to not hurt you more than it appears he has. If you re-read what you sent to him and look at it from the outside, you would feel bad for the girl who wrote that text, I know I did. It’s guilt inducing, which I don’t think is very fair. As friends, it shouldn’t be weird for him to talk less but it’s alarming for you when it should be fine if you were really ok with a platonic friendship. This is something to work on so in the future you have little expectations for someone who is only offering friendship.
Hi, oh god you are right.
That's so embarrassing, think I will need to distance myself from him a little bit.
I'm still confused as to why he said - it's complicated - instead of just laughing it off..
You are right and I do feel like I'm becoming pathetic and should stop asking him for constant reassurance. Not going to lie it does hurt. I started liking the guy after I got to know him.
Thank you for your perspective. I really neede that
What would your guess be why he said - it is complicated? :/
Any suggestions on how to lessen the contact with a person like that?
There’s no need to feel mortified or embarrassed, you were acting in the moment and probably more vulnerable with him than you usually are. You ask why he said it’s complicated, but I mean imagine what a childish asshole he’d look like if he laughed at you in that instance? I believe that instead he said “it’s complicated” as a cop out for him to not to hurt your feelings, because you both know ultimately he won’t give you what you want.
In order to talk to him less, you have to lower your expectations. That means not asking him for reassurance; it’s not like you two are working towards a relationship and he’s losing interest, it’s a friend who’s trying to live his separate life and you have to respect/understand that. He may not reach out much but if he does, you can be honest and tell him you need space to get over your feelings or just be passive, tell him it’s been very busy and make yourself less available to him gradually. A change has to happen though because this can’t go on, it’s not healthy for you.
Thank you.
Wish I could give you a hug as this does make perfect sense.
I will try to contact him less/send shorter messages.
I just sent him a very long text (causal talk but still way too long). So will try for this to be the last time.
You ate right, he's got his life to live.
I was thinking of meeting in a month's time as I'm travelling there again but now not sure if it's a good idea...
Virtual hugs for you! I know this sucks, I hope you have people around to give you support and love. If you send him less messages, try not to feel bad about it because it’s not personal, you just need to get past your crush. That’s also why I think it’s not good to visit him while you’re in town, these things make it hard for you to let go.
Thank you ❤️
I have talked to my friends about it but we are all pretty clueless when it comes to relationships (romantic or not) between men and women. One of my friends doesn't believe in the friendship between opposite genders.
I asked him if he liked me because his conversation changed. We used to have warm chats but after that meeting as if a switch flipped and some of his responses were cold. Example : he was going to meet his friends in a biggest cities in a country I live in. I mentioned I might be visiting it too. His response was - what are you going to do there? -possibly implying that I wouldn't be visiting as many fancy places as he does. As he goes to places like operas / theatre all the time. And that I don't know anyone who lives there.
(In reality I know some people there and used to visit often before I moved further away.)
Or..
He just felt like he wouldn't want to meet me there and it was too much. Which now I see as extremely cringe worthy.
In general his réponses were sometimes a bit rude and blunt which they never were before.
Now I see that maybe he had enough of me. Which is fair enough. That's when I asked if he still likes me. Because I only like authentic connections.
But I can't believe I got to this level of creepiness. Now see I was (probs am) a bit out of my mind and he might have seen that.
I'm very calm in person and my character is usually consistent but dear god that was out of line:///
He sent me some memes, asked how I'm doing and if I'm still coming to his country in a month.
I said that I am. Not sure if we will meet. At the moment it might be a bit rude to cop out because we sort-of-maybe-planned on meeting again and I told him the date.
Thank you again and sorry for my craziness. He is crazy smart, funny and charming and in the beginning treated me really well.
Didn't expect to like when we first met...
Hey it happens, sometimes you meet someone and have no intention or desire for anything other than friendship yet you end up catching feelings. What’s done is done though, and while no you can’t erase the feelings, you can work to move past them. I think you two had the dynamic you did initially because there were no expectations, but now things are changing since romantic emotions are involved and I think he notices it. You put a lot of emphasis on the fact that this change happened after this last hangout but honestly I think it was something that was happening already. The moment he found out you felt more towards him is when he started backpedaling, at least in my opinion. You aren’t creepy nor do you need to feel shame or embarrassment, you are human first and perfect never.
Thank you ❤️ you are probably right.
Will try the distancing thing and hope tmit will pass with time...
Thank you so much for the support
❤️❤️❤️
Another thing that got me confused is that I suggested meeting in a group.
I was visiting another friend (also a girl) and suggested meeting all together. His reply was that he preferred to meet 1-2-1 anf that's when we went to a restaurant.
Before we met for the first time he kept inviting me to various group meetings. After the first time we met he stopped doing that and said he prefers meeting alone instead.
So either he's ashamed of me lol or he just likes quite talk or expects sex... But he mentioned being friends without sex very often.
My delusional self thought that maybe he liked me.
Now I see that this is just the way it is.
When it comes to hanging out with friends vs a group, I kind of understand his suggestion because unless you didn’t mention it, she’s your friend and he may feel like a 3rd wheel between you two. His suggestions are mainly for his comfort, like inviting you to hang with his groups — he knows those people, and he knows you, hence the 1 on 1. Honestly though I feel like the underlying question to this is if your looks are what changed things after you met in person, and my advice would be to please don’t do that to yourself, it’ll destroy your self esteem and make you feel worse than you already do. I hope you know that how things are right now has absolutely nothing to do with you, your looks, your personality, none of that. He just isn’t looking for a relationship, and trying to find a deeper meaning as to “why” he doesn’t want to advance won’t bring forth anything productive. Put plainly, it sounds like he enjoys female company and spending money to do lavish things with you ladies, but these aren’t dates or exchanges to work towards something. You’re hurt because the pace between you two changed, but you shouldn’t feel that way because it was never meant to go anywhere in the first place. You could spend all your days picking apart everything that’s transpired between you two before and since hanging out, but none of it will change what his final answer was always going to be. So don’t get comfortable in your grief or rag on yourself, you aren’t someone to be ashamed or embarrassed of whatsoever.
Also, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was mainly single through my 20s but at one point I spend almost 3 1/2 years going through what you are with a man who was a bit older and more established and I know it’s easy to get caught up. Wanting to live that life with a guy who on the outside seems pretty fantastic and it’s exciting if you’ve never experienced that before. But at the end of the day, you’ve got to accept that what’s available is only what he’s offering and to leave the lines of communication open in hopes of more will only break you down more in the end. You need real space so you can let let your feelings go, then maybe one day you can be friends. Not now though, talking to him even here and there will only make it harder, meeting up when you visit again will make it worse. The biggest favor you can do for yourself and your healing process is to let time do it’s thing, then in a few months you’ll look back on this maybe with some hurt still, feelings don’t go away overnight but you’ll gradually have an easier time.
Thank you.
You hit the nail when you said that I thought he didn't like my appearance. Ever since I was thinking of losing weight.
This lasted for months but think I'm gaining confidence back...
I still think I've said something wrong or acted in a wrong way.
He keeps reaching out again, regularly.
I posted a photo of myself and he sent me a message - aw... Hi.-
I tried to respond like a friend to tune down the flirting vibes.
Sorry you had to go through your 3 1/2 year relationship, it must have been difficult to leave. Completely understand you talking about an established man
... His money is not what attracted me, he's not from a rich background but he's "self made", smart.
When he first texted him I agreed to meet on friendly basis because he's much shorter than me and in general i wasn't attracted.
Now that he's reaching out it is hard. Especially when he "flirts in a friendly manner" don't even know what it means.
Last time we met he said I looked good.
But after the first time we met he told me that "i look healthy". I wish I was smarted and not have taken it in a negative way.
And wish he would just stop flirting. Was even going to ask him why he's doing that but again, for him it's natural. Some people just are that way...
Good thing you were strong to walk away from your relationship. It sounds like you suffered a lot in it and he wasn't a very nice person.
No need to apologize love, we weren’t in a relationship, more of a situationship and fortunately I don’t have bad things to say about him as a person, only his actions. I came to the conclusion that men can be good people but as boyfriends/husbands/etc they suck. I was watching an interview the other day with this popular artist, and he was talking about how guilty he felt for robbing women of their good, baby-making years. He strung them along, fed them false hope on purpose, manipulated them with no intention of wanting more and knowing full well that they did. To me, he shined a light on how so many men will act in their favors but not in ours. They maintain their standards and boundaries while we abandon ours to accommodate them. Like with your guy, he has created a boundary by you his friend, pen pal, all these versions of platonic and he thinks that you are not only ok with that, but cool with his flirting and whatever else. From the moment he put you in that box and you still chose to interact, he felt validated and guiltless. Everything for him is harmless and fun but for you it has real meaning, which I think is unfair. You have to be the one with restraint, and be honest with yourself about wanting a genuine bond, a relationship, and fully accept he just isn’t offering that.
Hi,
I was nodding my head while reading this.
Absolutely, one of the reasons why I fell for this guy is that I know he's a good person (sensitive even) but when it comes to women men tend to look through a different lense, maybe it is biology, don't know... But it is like you see a version of him that you are falling for, yet at the same time you know he won't be able to give you anything more than amicable conversations/ a bit of flirting.
He is a good person but like you said it is just something men do. Damn it, i didn't think I'll like him honestly. I don't want to ignore his messages but mow not sure... If I should go cold turkey?
Did you stop interacting with your situationsip?
You ended got a great skill of looking at people objectively and see good in people.
I agree! It really sucks a lot because he can have all the qualities of a good person, generous, kind, etc but they suck with women. I think it actually hurts more when they aren’t assholes, at least then it’s easier to cut them off. For the men like the one you’re dealing with, it’s almost like insult to injury because he doesn’t feel as though he’s doing anything wrong, and you can’t reprimand him because technically he isn’t, even though underneath it all he’s hurting you. I think his actions are second nature, his vibe is naturally flirtatious, buoyant, confident, all the things you probably aren’t very much of and this is why you’re drawn to him. It’s magnetic even, but unhealthy, and I think he will continue to reach out and be this oblivious so long as you respond. So should you go cold Turkey? Absolutely. It’s ripping the band aid off basically, it’ll hurt but you’ll be better for it in the end.
Hey, apologies for the late reply.
Yes, absolutely. It is exciting. And he is very smart.
The other thing which is magnetic is that he is very masculine, never complains. I am a similar way and it is hard for me to find a guy who is more masculine.
We texted again... But at this point I think he sees me as "that poor girl" who is trying to fit in, you know. Some one from the sidelines trying to get into luxury lifestyle 😂
This is not exactly correct. I met men who are wealthy and I knew I could have a fling with them which would also add some benefits.
With this guy the thing I like the most about him is his ambition, honesty and for some reason I've got a feeling that he's naturally kind which is a very rare combination.
We exchanged some texts and I can see now that he doesn't really respect me much. It might be in my head but one example :
He was searching for new shoes to buy.
I replied that one pair didn't quite match his character (soft colours, a bit pinkish).
His reply - tell me more about my character 🙏-
Which sounded almost condescending?
I know he's a good person but don't think that with exchanges like that he's got a goo impression of me.
I'm preparing mentally to cut him off or at least stop "friendly flirting".
Don't want to be an as* too...
Did you cut your guy off cold turkey? Are i you still in contact?
Thank you for all the advice and support. Yes, it feels unhealthy. Unfortunately the only person who's at fault is me :(
He hasn't done anything wrong...
There has been a tiny update...
Recently I dyed my hair and texted him saying that. He asked for a selfie which I sent to him and he replied saying that he loves it, I look 10/10 and that's the most beautiful photo of me he's ever seen. Now ge is asking for more.
I went lighter and incidentally, he likes blondes.
He asked for photos again. Don't know if friendship is what he wants and now seems like he wanted to have sex with me, got frustrated thst he did not but now is trying again...
Not surprised I guess just disappointed in myself.
So sorry I missed your last response! Don’t know how that happened but I want to address it. First and foremost, I do not think this guy pities you, you’re not that poor girl. He just enjoys the attention, even the friendship, and he thinks you’re ok with it because well, you don’t say otherwise.
I think a great question to ask yourself is always why. Why do you feel like you need this specific man? To me, there’s so much more to life than being in a relationship and/or seeking companionship and once you’re happier in those areas of your life you won’t focus so much on this one. My point is that maybe you’ll find a man like him one day, maybe you won’t, but it shouldn’t matter too much.
I also feel like this whole thing is taking major blows at your self esteem and sense of self worth. You seem almost reluctant to speak positivity into yourself, because for whatever you say about him, you act like he’s some heaven sent perfection and you’re just some lowly woman that he could never have feelings for. It’s delusional and impossible in your mind, and I’m just like why do that to yourself? When you met him, he was short and not so great, you had a better sense of self and less attachment. Now you’ve put him on a pedestal that he may not even deserve.
You deserve to give yourself all the praise you give him, and I also think you should want more for yourself than this situation.
I can’t stop you from sending texts or pics to him or chatting, but you know deep down it’s a bad idea. You don’t “need” this guys friendship, or companionship, and you don’t have to find someone like him. You should focus on building your self esteem back up, pour love and positivity into yourself.
I think this is just a rut your in and dealing with him just digs the hole deeper, not because he’s a bad person but I think the rejection is destroying you, you want his affection so much now more than you even cared about in the beginning and maybe that is something to heal so you can let him go.
Thank you for the kind words.
I am trying my best to get back to workouts, travel and meet other people. Due to family circumstances it has been difficult..
I am now in the country he lives in and I decided to meet him for the last time. Luckily my family live there also so will have a bit of an emotional buffer but it is both the liberating and the most crushing feeling.
Definitely agree, he is a good person. The combination of him being good ambitious and smart completely intoxicated me. I used to be the same way but in the past 6 months I had to work extrs to save for deposit snd then there was cancer in the family which I helped with.
Now all is done, cancer is gone and I've saved up enough for my own place.
I resumed running and being more active, feel happier because my family is ok.
This person still continues to hold huge place in my heart.
We are meeting tomorrow. For some reason he said that I seem like I kind person last time we met but he doesn't quite trust me. He span it down to his exes being weird.
I hope that when we meet tomorrow there will be only warm feelings left.
He told me he will miss me and I do not believe him a smallest but (told him that). Regardless I will tell him I will miss him and will decrease communication to the minimum.
I decided to book a week in his city to do some serious sightseeing, see my family and other people so I won't be tempted to go back in future. (so I spend a substantial amount of time and won't need to come back for at least a year).
My gut feeling is saying he is good but he doesn't trust me and wants to seal this friendship.
This is killing me but it is what it is..
Thank you for your words which help a lot.
Sorry again that you had to go through a similar thing with a man.
Hope you are happy now.
*apologies for so many mistakes in the comments above. I've tried deleting it and rewriting again but it won't let me.
Hi. Sorry missed this response.
Thank you. Iet him a month ago, for the last time I hope.
He texted me today saying that he likes me and it destroyed me a bit.
Destroyed because I'm not sure now if he seemed honest ans genuine. I know he is a good man. But I'm afraid that maybe subconsciously he enjoyed attention (like you mentioned) amd also toyed around with me...
He started saying all the things, how he likes small things about me, my honesty...
At the same time he texted saying that he was anxious if I wanted something more.
Once I assured him no, I'm good with being friends he sent a sigh of relief and started saying he likes me..
So many times now he said we are just buddies.
I'm a bit heartbroken because of the whole situation. Not sure why he would say all this stuff (that he likes me, finds me attractive etc).
I will now send a text saying that yes, I did like him at first. But then he made it clear we are buddies so I decided it would still be good to communicate as I found him interesting.
But now after what he said I'm confused and not sure about the dynamic of our friendship and feel a bit confused.
Think this is it for me... Hopefully for good.
Still believe he's good but the mental juggling is too horrible right now...
I think the absolute best thing you can do for yourself at this point is to create some distance from this guy. You make separating a lot harder for yourself than it ever should be, and it’s as if you’d rather suffer through this than rid him from your life. Still, I can’t understand the confusion because he’s repeatedly relayed friendship, yet you look for more, then get really har don yourself as if you’re dumb for thinking someone like him could ever like you. If you’re struggling with your self esteem or anything then maintaining this friendship will only hurt you. I truly hope you can be done. Choose your happiness and betterment over this connection.
That's true... probably very difficult because he is very smart and there are many things about him that are interesting, even his taste in music is amazing.
At first I thought he found me attractive but then after a few times that we met he never made any advances, there were no sings so I figured I'm not in his taste or he must have stunning women in his circle, I don't compare to them so he can't be bothered.
The other day he texted me saying that he likes my character, that I'm kind, smart and honest person. That at the moment I'm the only person he knows who's got these qualities.
And that he likes me as a man which was the first time he said that.
The reason why it's hard is because he is honest about everything and is genuinely a good person (although I doubt the above).
So ripping him off seems painful...
It’s going to be more painful for the person hanging on so tightly, and still the question is why. The reasons you mentioned will never ever equate to him being so fantastic that you should suffer. Sorry. You don’t need to wait around and wait for him to see your value to where he wants to be with you, it’s actually pretty degrading in my eyes. You can do a lot better and I truly hope you agree with that one day.
So it would still be a bad decision to stay just friends?
It absolutely would, at least for now. If you two connect later down the road the that’s great, but you’re too deep into having romantic feelings to be just a friend. You’ve been trying that route and it’s simply too hard and confusing for you. Take some time away from him to get over this.
I was looking back at what you previously wrote where you stated why cutting him off is so hard, and I don’t know if you realize that you are mourning the idea of losing his traits, with nothing pertaining to you, your wellness or anything.
Smart, honest, good taste in music, his qualities, traits. What exactly would you be losing that pertains to your betterment? Are you not already smart and honest with a decent taste in music? Don’t you already bring that to the table? Relationships are supposed to be extensions of ourselves.
Think about this: why is the idea of losing the fantasy more painful than facing the reality? Like I don't know how many more times or ways this guy should be allowed reject you, only for you to overly contemplate a deeper meaning. By this I mean how you keep addressing statements he’s said about you, then following it up with confusion. I don’t know this man at all and I from the beginning I determined that he’s flattering, saying nice things without the meaning behind it that you attach on your end. I don’t want to totally tear him down so I don't know maybe it’s as a was saying initially and he says these kind things without actually thinking about it because if he knew how confused it made you he probably wouldn’t do it. This shouldn’t make you sad, and I hope that you don’t take what I say as me trying to put you in that place. Ultimately I just think your self esteem is suffering, and this situation makes you feel bad about yourself and that is why it’s best to cut him off.
Thank you, I've read your comment about 5 times and reading it again focusing of different parts
No problem! If you have any questions I’m here🤍
Thank you so much 💛💛💛
Hello...
It is me again (yet again)...
I just had some alarms bells ringing
The other day he replied (when I asked him why he chose to chat with me if there's so many interesting people around). His reply was - you are kind, genuine, smart, curious, honest and make me laugh. - he said that out of all people he knows I'm the only one with tge whole package.
I'm not sure if he is being honest.
I was set to let him go and I want to.
I am now a bit cautious though as seems like he's telling me what I want to hear?
I feel like that’s the issue again, like you saying “why talk to you if there’s so many more interesting people around”, it’s like are you not interesting? To me, this was his cue to make you feel better because phrases like that are sad to hear. I don’t want to say his words are purely said out of pity — that would be a lie. I just think he felt inclined to tell you because of you saying degrading things like that. You are a good friend in his life, you shouldn’t look for deeper meaning after he’s clarify his numerous times.
I know the idea of cutting this man off and “losing” so much potential has become incredibly hurtful. He’s become a very important man in your life and this is hard, but not impossible.
You can be all of those amazing things that he said, but if you’re not the one for him you’re just not, and I think you must come to terms with that rather than floating along for the ride hoping he will choose you one day. It’s exhausting, it’s suffering, and you deserve a lot more than this.
I know it’s difficult because he hasn’t done anything wrong technically, but this isn’t about punishment, you just need some space to move past the romantic feelings. I’m sure he won’t love that choice but it’s not all about him and you can’t suffer just to keep him content. He wants platonic female connections and company but no commitment— you know this, he’s clarified it as well, so process this now rather than what you’ve been doing instead. That way you can truly start moving on.
Hello and happy new year!
Hope you had a good celebration!
Didn't see this comment, sorry. I guess so... didn't think about it like.
Was just thinking why he is contacting me as he's got a very busy life, knows a lot of people.
One day he texted saying he could spend a whole day with me, called me to talk just because. But that's a person who knows a lot and I mean a l9t of people...
I now wonder and have these thoughts in my head... Is he not just thinking I'm funny and finds me bit ridiculous.
I mean, maybe he met me, realized I've got a crush on me and is just enjoying this whole situation and finds me funny (even a bit ridiculous).
I mean, don't know.. I know it sounds like I'm talking down on myself but it's just this thought I've got in my head that won't leave...
Happy New Year! Hopefully you had a decent or even great night despite everything.
I’m not sure what the state of your relationship is with him currently or if you’re still checking in, but right now I think the least you can do is not reach out to him if you haven’t recently. Its a step in the right direction. You keep holding back and stopping yourself from moving on, and to me that is just self sabotage with a good dose of denial.
One thing you have to understand is that not every man that you want for yourself will be meant for you to have. It absolutely does not need to mean you’re unattractive, less intelligent, not enough or any of that, he just isn’t the right match for you. It’s horrible to dig for a deeper meaning and make yourself the issue when he’s already specified that you’re not.
I feel like when someone tells you they like you as a person but don’t want a relationship, they may be telling you that they want everything but a relationship. That’s when you have to prioritize what matters to you morally and decide if settling for just friends is enough or are you just suppressing a greater desire just to keep him in your life.
It’s a brand new year, look at it as your opportunity to leave him and all the hurt he’s brought you in 2023. Let him be the one to reach out, try you’re best not to engage and if you just can’t help yourself then keep it short. Facing the reality of the situation vs the fantasy you have in your mind will help a lot going forward.
Thank you.
Yes, I'm doing my best not to reach out first. And if he does will keep it simple and amicable.
I think a bell rang when he said that maybe in future we could be friends. He keeps referring to me as a pen pal.
I said that maybe we are acquaintances.
His last choice was to call us comrades... I think of someone you met a couple times and had chats with has such difficulty calling you a friend when it means that they don't really see you as one...
I told him that I thinl he would know if he wanted to be friends by now, not sometime in future.
Which is why I think that in a way he was maybe laughing at me. This thought hurt. As I realised that he doesn't see me as an equal but just a girl he can sometimes laugh at and had some fun chats with.
But will try to keep ALL of this in 2023. I haven't reached out to him in about 2 days and will try to keep it that way.
He wished me happy ny by replying to a post I wished the same and kept it at that.
I told the exact same things I wrote here to my friend and her advice was to not cut the contact since we have such a nice relationship and it would be a pity.
But I think I'll take your advice. Think you are right. I want it behind now as it was so so painful.
But also the way he wouldn't even call me his friend but use other synonyms like pen pals etc despite us having lovely chats /laughs..
I could not help but feel him somehow laughing at me? As if I was a bit of an entertainment in a way... It is hard to explain and might sound crazy, sorry...
Just want to say thank you so much for the support.
Can't promise I won't come in here and wallow again... But your comments have been super helpful.
Oh, and I thought of actually telling him now that I've got a crush on him but decided against that taking into account how many times he let me know that I'm not the right person for him.
You made the right choice, don’t give him another opportunity to reject you. I agree, I don’t think your friend gave the best advice because while I’m sure she means well, it isn’t in your best interest because you’re breaking your own heart for the sake of this “friendship”.
When you think about everything, maybe try shifting your perspective to something more fair and realistic since he has actually confirmed as much — it’s not that he doesn’t want a relationship with just you, it isn’t want he wants, period. You’ve said yourself he has other female friends that I’m sure he chats with and takes on dates, but no strings. There can be many explanations, maybe he’s too busy and/or wants to focus on his own personal growth. Who knows. Whatever the case though, I don’t think you can healthily be a good friend and heal at the same time. Yes, you’re going to miss him after 2 days, 2 weeks, two months, but it’s not your sign to cave and reach out again. You can do a lot better for yourself that that.
Hello,
Sorry. Forgot to mention that I had a conversation with him to clarify if he's got female friends.
It turns out that he's got only one female friend. He said that he is not attracted to her and nothing ever happened.
I've seen a photo of this girl, she seems nice, very eccentric and she does not fit into the usual beauty standards, is a bit chubby and seems fun.
During the last time we met he clarified that I'm the only person who is a woman he meets 1-on-1 apart from aforementioned friend. Don't know if that is true (seemed to be true).
Not what I thought. He mentioned a couple times saying - why can't we be platonic penpals?- so fervently and think I misunderstood him.
He said he's attracted to me. When mentioned that he is not attracted to the other girl at all.
Him just just calling me a friend but being vague about it onty puts more salt onto the wound. The nagging feeling that he's "having fun" and just having a laugh sometimes is there.
You are right x that's the best choice.
If he could at least just call me a friend without these weird talks you, know? That would be a bit easier.
Regardless, still hard to let him go. Thank you for understanding.
Still haven't contacted him since the 29th.
Hoping to go strong even though I saw a couple videos I've been itching to send him
Hi! I’m so sorry I missed your last message, because I would’ve had things to say! Lol. Firstly I really don’t like his string-along way of talking to you. It comes off as disingenuous when he counters all that with calling you a penpal or close friend. He can’t pay you the compliment without reminding you that he doesn’t want anything, and if I were you I’d be sick of it.
I get that you’re struggling, in a lot of ways I bet he became like your best friend, it’s too toxic though, bad for your mental health, better to move on. Send the videos to another friend, like you would’ve done before him. That’s how I had to think, about who I was before and who I will be after, but not during him.
Hey!
That's ok and sorry for sending essays...
Man it is hard.. He is like a sunshine man lol very jard to let go
Yesss I know! I it felt weird. One moment he would pay me a compliment saying I look good. Then call me a pen pal. Then the last time we met he said that he finds me attractive, he likes my idiosyncrasies and that I'm the only person who has all these qualities :makes hik laugh, is honest, curious and smart.
Then in the next paragraph he wrote that our characters clash so maybe it is for the best and maybe in future we can become friends.
I got a bit annoyed lol and not even sure what category he put me in so I started calling him and acquaintance (partly because i was annoyed but also partly because... That's the only term I could come up with in this instance. I had no idea who we are anymore lol).
He said maybe that's too much and we can stay comrades lol
During the last meeting I also found out he only has one female friend who he is not attracted to at all.
I must have misunderstood him as thought he's got many! I asked him to clarify and he said no, only me and that other friend. The only female friends he's got are the ones who are in couples (either his ex+her new boyfriend or his friends +their girlfriends).
I replied to one of his stories today by sending thumbs up. I know I shouldn't have! But otherwise nothing else so far!
That's a good way of thinking... Do tou feel like you changed a lot after you've cut him out of your life?
Happy to hear you managed to get to the other end of it
Howve you been doing? I wasn’t on here
so I missed this lol hopefully ok! It gets easier each day. I do feel like cutting that guy (well, those guys because it happened more than once) made a difference! I’ve realized it’s hard for men and women to be platonic friends from start to finish, only possible if one doesn’t find the other attractive, either is gay, they tried dating in the past and it didn’t work, or someone is already in a relationship but even then that doesn’t always stop a crush. Something about the opposite sex friendship is hard to keep afloat.
I don’t keep male friends anymore, as I don’t feel like there’s any more or less benefit that I don’t get from female friends. It always gets complicated and hurtful. Also I’m glad you only replied to one story, I know it’s hard to just cut him off but maybe you should let him go in a real way. Of course you are going to miss him, he’s become very important to you but it’s for the better. I wouldn’t want to hear any more versions of “I like your personality but I only see you as a penpal”, that’s a bit degrading to me… like not disrespectful but the need to remind you how he does.
**cutting off, not physical cutting lol
Haha yep got that.
Oh no! Sorry to hear that you had to do this a couple times :(
Must have been difficult.
How long did it take you to get over them?
Yeah, in the past I thought I'm the weird one and can't make male friends lol but now seems like that's just not what nature intended...
I miss him terribly. He is away at the moment and doesn't have the time to text I guess nut either way I didn't contact him.
First couple days were ok.
Now I want to talk to him really really bad. I love his smile and character.
Many mamy things about him which hurt to let go so so much.
I liked his story again today 😂but didn't reply.
I was thinking of telling him that I might have had/ or that I have a crush on him.
The (distorted) logic behind this is that I was going to cut him off anyway. And maybe once he knows this at least he will understand why I want to distance myself... Although... To be honest he might not even notice I'm gone lol
How old were you when you met your ex-male friends?
Yep, agree about female and male friendships being super complicated...
Don't ever want to experience that lol
Be proud of yourself! When you feel like caving in, just remember why you’re having to do this in the first place and stick to it. Otherwise if you reached out to him and once again realize you need to be done, then it’s like having to start the healing all over again. No progress can be made when you keep having to hit the restart button.
I get what you mean about wanting to confess to him, but I feel like that’s not only an excuse to talk but in your heart there’s hope he will do something different. Maybe that means hoping he’ll fight for you and the friendship, or reciprocate your feelings if he realizes he can lose you. Of course I can be wrong but if I’m right, then I don’t think you should put yourself through that. You don’t have to make a thing of taking some time away from him, since this isn’t a breakup or even ending a situationship. Show the change through your actions and if he gets curious enough he will reach out but let him be the one to do it.
Also take note of how he isn’t contacting you, like he is ok not talking, which to me says he isn’t suffering when you don’t speak. To me, that’s great motivation to maintain silence and focus on yourself. Meaning you won’t find any more little ways of hanging on or trying to catch his attention by liking his posts, remember he sees this and it doesn’t pass his mind to check in. I would take note of all that when I was getting over the guy, since I had way too many instances of wanting to go back.
You are absolutely right on aaallll points... Some part of me hopes he might say he likes me back. Another part hopes that if he says a definitive no I will know for sure... I know you should know by now but my delusional self is listening to him saying - " I like your idiosyncrasies, you are the only person who is honest, curious, smart" and that he finds me attractive.
If he said no it would hurt like hell and I would give him more reason to be cock lol but maybe my delusional part would finally stay quite...
He is currently on a trip away which is very physically demanding. Will see how he behaves when he comes back...
He said he wants to work on himself nowbut I think if he really liked me he wouldn't have said that. Maybe a cold shower of his rejection would finally do the trick...
Oh god, ao sorry you had to go through this a couple times.
Also kudos for trying again even after the first time was hurtful. That takes some emotional capacity and courage.
How long did it take you?
Yors truly,
Stuck in delulu land 😂😂😂
It is the 10th of Jan and he hasn't reached out.
I've seen his stories and he is still on a trip (skiing).
Still pretty bummed but my delusional self is thinking that he's too busy lol
I hate to call it delusional, maybe just giving yourself false hope is better, because I do think a part of you wants to be rational. You should find another distraction, just so it won’t feel so hard not speaking to him. Even muting his social media could help! Lol just out of sight out of mind. I don’t want to encourage you to confess once again, just because he’s been so verbally clear about where things stand, it would be silly to think otherwise. His biggest mistake at this point is paying you these compliments and saying these kind things without intention behind it. I just don’t think he’s aware of how much it means to you.
Yes, I don't think he is.
Ah, I do like him still...
The worst thing is that in my mind I am now starting to think that maybe, maaaaybe he said all those things because he thought that I might reject him.
But when l look at the time line and realise that I told him I liked him first. He said he accepts this as a best compliment he's had in ages hoping that we will continue being on friendly terms.
But then.. after that he came with that restaurant thing and now I know he doesn't have female friends. Only one but he does not find her attractive.
But he said he finds me attractive and keeps liking my photos.
Thing that hurts most is that he keeps saying he needs to work on himself and that's ok but if you meet a person you like you don't let them go I guess.
And when he was talking about how he misses the "inspiration" to do something for a woman. That literally broke inside 😂😂
Feel like I'm just spiraling at the moment hoping it will get better
That’s the thing, he can find you attractive, think highly of you and still not see you someone he wants to commit to. It is nothing about you as a person, he just isn’t looking for that. So I think that each time you start overthinking or giving yourself false hope, remember “he just wants to be single”. Don’t add anything else to it in regards to your value, him liking your pics or sending mixed signals, keep it simple: “he just wants to be single”. I think that makes it sooo much easier to move on, just shut it down before you start spiraling. You don’t have to diminish yourself or fill your head with degrading things over this dude. He is a short, mortal man with some cash in his pocket and not much sense lol.
Maybe there are some deeper issues at hand to address as well. This man seems to be completely throwing you into a pit of depression and feeling bad about yourself, so to me, the real question is what else is going on? What traumas have you experienced that this is like the final straw, throwing you over the edge? Rather than focusing so much on ending that “friendship”, give your betterment the same energy.
It is the first month of a brand new year. If you haven’t already then maybe make some resolutions. I think it’s a great time to work on healing your traumas, becoming better and moving past this dark place.
Hello,
Haha yes he is. Did I mention that he is bold too? Lol
Yep, I was thinking about therapy but that's too expensive for me unfortunately (even better help with discount).
Might be because of my father issues. He was absent and when he reached out to a couple times when I was a teen he said a lot of spiteful things about me without being provoked. Examples "one day you'll understand how stupid you are " "there are people who grew up in foster homes with no parents" fhe second one was a reply to my mother when she asked him why he left me. I accidentally saw a text message when helping her out with an app. Turns out they were flirting in that SAME conversation.
There was a long thread of messages him complimenting her, her receiving the compliments and telling him "she wished she could hold him" and then there was this text about me.
They are done now but maybe that's what's happening.
But I think I'm ok now really. It does not hurt me anymore.
Also he (my crush) is a very good man, smart and has great character.
He sent me a meme on Instagram today but I haven't opened it yet. Not sure if I should. It's just a stupid video meme but I'm afraid of what might ce after and he might want to have a conversation.
Let me ask you this, what if it weren’t a meme he sent? What if instead he were asking for advice on taking out women he really liked and wanted tips on how to not only make a great impression but make the date very special. Would you be able to coach him without feeling any hurt? Would you be able to advise him as a friend and be totally ok?
**a woman he really liked
Hi, I thought about it. Amd although I would happily help him out it would probably hurt like hell.
When we met (that last time) he was talking about how he misses the drive he gets when he really likes a girl. A drive to impress her etc and it hurt to hear that.
I understand that's not fair and not sure how to mute this hurt inside myself.
Haven't responded yet. Not sure if I should...
Okay. I mainly asked that question because unfortunately I have a feeling that you might cave and respond to his meme. For one, I think it would be far too tempting to leave it there unopened. I also think you’re both worried about how he would feel if you didn’t respond, and fear losing him when you aren’t saying anything.
If you can’t help it then sure, respond to that meme, but just take note of the toxic cycle that this has became and will continue to be. Realistically you are not emotionally equipped to just be his friend. I asked you that question about giving him advice because I think it would be far too traumatic and hurtful fully stepping into that platonic role while you know you still want more.
How can you move past having a crush if you can’t bear not speaking with him for any real length of time? There’s no opportunity to heal when you have to keep hitting the restart button.
You’re only hurting yourself by trying to be his friend right now, so why not just take a break? Recover, move past him, then maybe one day if he were ever to ask for advice on a woman you can give him tips and feedback without breaking your own heart in the process.
I know walking away is hard, but it’s much better than constantly putting yourself through suffering on his behalf.
Hello.
You arr absolutely right. I'm afraid he will feel like I've ghosted him.
I haven't read it yet. Trying to be calm about it.
But yes, him talking about being infatuated with other women would hurt and I would try to be happy as a friend but I don't think I could...
I was thinking of telling him I had a crush on him so maybe he would understand why I need to distance myself...
Cutting him off without replying feels harsh. Just don't want him to think he neve meant anything to me.
So please don’t take this the wrong way, I hope you know I mean no offense. But I think the driving force in wanting to confess your feelings isn’t necessarily to give him closure but you want to do it in hopes that he will have a change of heart if faced with the ultimatum of losing you. I only think this because the thing is, you’ve already told him in the past you had feelings and had to face horrible rejection. There’s a reason he seems to repeatedly reiterate that you two are only pals or friends, so to put yourself through that again would not only be horrible for your self esteem but break your heart once more.
When he sends you things, I think it’s because you have that in common and you come to mind when he sees it. The thing is right after he hits send, he goes back to his life, you know? He doesn’t feel inclined to speak with you everyday, engage you often or really do anything that would imply he needs a goodbye from you. Especially when this isn’t the end and you’re just distancing yourself a little bit.
Just do your work in silence. If he notices and gets curious he will absolutely reach out to check in, ask how you’re doing, anything. The state of your current relationship says a lot about how he’s feel if you weren’t talking though, so maybe you shouldn’t worry so much about him feeling ghosted and give your well being too priority instead.
If he were upset for any reason, honestly he would just have to respect your decision. It doesn’t make him a bad person, you just can’t healthily continue this dynamic. Even if you didn’t intend on falling for him, what’s done is done and now it’s time for damage control.
Hi, not at all.
Those are very good advices. Yes, maybe it's that... Maybe i still have some hope deep down that he likes me (likes me).
Aftet the last time we met he asked me if I expected for something to happen
(we were in his appartement) and he told ne that I ask him questions that indicated to him that I might be interested.
I said - would that be a problem? - and he responded that he's just being curious.
At some point I wanted to say I haf a crush on him to stop the charade because it was a bit painful. As if maaaaybe he might be interested.
I'm not the best people reader but he did ask me if I expected anything to happen. When he told me that he is a gentleman which ks way he behaved (he worded it way better). Really don't think he would ever make moves on me.
But to see him falling ij love for someone, falling head over heels and being a perfect guy would really hurt me. N9t because I don't wish him well...
It is hard to let go.
I still haven't read his last message.
Thank you for your comment. That does help. Will let know if I ever read his message and how it continues
Hey,
He just messaged me again asking how I'm doing.
I still haven't read his text with a meme from yesterday. Also haven't posted anything on social media.
At this point feel bad not responding... Might respond later today... Don't know...
Sorry for just getting back to you, I was out of town yesterday lol but I kinda figured you’d want to respond. Remember the other day I was saying that you’d probably cave (no offense) because you’d either feel too bad not responding and can’t go too long without speaking with him. I also mentioned him reaching out to ask how you are, this is very predictable! Lol you can respond if it becomes too much not doing so, tell him you’re doing fine and just taking some time to yourself. Don’t engage in lengthy conversation keep it short and try not to be so doom and gloom about it.
Distance is for the better, it truly is so that you can move on from this guy, I know you don’t want to, I know it’s hard but you already know what to expect from this man, he’s shown you time and time again. Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
No worries! Hope you had fun!!
Lol that's true 😂need to remind myself that (the insanity part).
Will let know how it unfolds...
Gosh...
Thank you for your support and sorry for being such a pain sometimes.
Soo... I decided to reply to him very prompt /casually. And it turns out that it was not a meme that he sent me a day ago. It was a song where a guy sings about missing a girl (rock n roll song).
Dammit.
I sent a short but nice message to him.
Even his messages are sweet.
I will try to keep the conversation brief.
Not intending on having deep debates like we did in the past, talking about who we are to each other... none of that. He let me know he's not interested..
Thank you it was a pretty fun time lol and it’s no pain at all! I’ve been in your shoes, I know how hard it is so I’m glad I can be of help.
At least you’re keeping the conversations brief, hopefully you’ll get to a place where you feel comfortable telling him about needing space and giving yourself some time away. I just don’t see how you can healthily continue on how you two have been. Like yes it’s nice to hear from him, but at the same time these things give you false hope and make it hard to draw the line between friend and wanting more. Until you don’t have those feelings, I don't know if you’ll ever be able to receive those types of messages from him and not hope he’s having a change of heart.
I glad you had fun!!
Thank you! It is really nice to talk to someone who understands the pain.
And heavens are already punishing me for not listening to your advise lol...
So I finally replied yesterday after he double texted me. He texted me again asking how I am. I replied briefly - I am good! How are you? :)
He read it yesterday and didn't reply until today morning...
And he said that he is doing well now that I've replied to him. That he misses our special connection.
I tried to keep it lighthearted and said I'm glad he's well.
He now replied again asking if I missed him...
Something tells me that this guy kind of knew very well that I like him.
This is really messing with my head. I haven't responded yet. Just thinking how O should stay brief and friendly.
Oh, it is not good at all lol I should have listened to you!
This guy has such short man syndrome lol, like he needs to have his ego stroked at any expense and it’s disgusting. I know that word is harsh, but I find it fitting for anyone (male or female) who knows that someone they care about has feelings for them and rather than help the person get past it, they feed off it.
This guy isn’t dumb, he isn’t inexperienced with women and it doesn’t take rocket science to know you have feelings for him. Like even though the whole formal rejection wasn’t recent, he’s done (and does) nothing since then to show the tides have changed.
Ask yourself this, if you knew that a very good friend of your had romantic feelings that you did not reciprocate, what would you do? Morally, what would you WANT to do for them? My reaction going forward would be to draw that line. I wouldn’t want them to hurt or suffer on my behalf, so I definitely wouldn’t do anything triggering. Even if that meant ultimately stop talking to them, despite how it would hurt me, at that point it is no longer about me and my priority is giving them peace. That is what I would do for someone I care about.
In my eyes, this man is like a fucking sadist. Why on earth does he feel the need to flirt, ask if you miss him, when he knows you like him and knows he is going to go back to his regular life directly after? You feeding his ego, saying you miss him and affirming your interest makes him feel good, but it doesn’t nothing for you and he knows that.
No I don’t know him personally, and I’m sure he has his redeeming qualities, maybe good in other areas in his life. I just think that lack of confidence (which you’d never know exists as he won’t show it) he grew up with as a short guy will always live with him. It’s incredibly cold for him to does what he does, and if I were you I just wouldn’t want to talk anymore. How horribly twisted and devastating for him to tell you such things only to follow with no new developments, I’d be sick of letting him do that.
Also, I know you have this guy on a pedestal a bit but I wouldn’t give him the luxury of excuses. “Kind of knew very well that I liked him”, I believe he knows very well, but how he feels and what he wants take priority over what is morally correct.
Hi,
Haha I laughed so hard at your first sentence. Thank you
Thank you for bringing some laughs into this situation... Your friends are lucky.
Yes. I was surprised by his messages!!!
His exact messages were : (when I asked him how he is doing) :
"all good, now that I've got a reply from you 🥺Glad to know you're well. I missed our special connection 😊"
I'll be honest I didn't expect that. And it is heartbreaking to see that... Really feel so stupid right now lol
It is like in reality there was nothing special in our relationship
He just likes the fact that I'm tall and kind of slim.
After this I replied : "Oh dear, apologies for the late reply. It is very busy lately. Glad you're well"
He replied -
" did you miss me? :)"
Even for an idiot like me it is so evident what he's doing here. I liked so many qualities about him. I thought he will just fade you know. And I'll just keep replies short.
But this id not nice at all and changes the perspective on everything that happened.
Tiu are so so right in every word. I should have listened to you when you said to cut the cord long long time ago...
I replied
Just adding to my previous comment : not sire how to reply to his "do you miss me message". I won't say yes. Just want to say - maybe we live lives so separate now that time just flies quickly that it is hard to miss people.
Or just - er, I don't know, been swamped.
Or just.. Nothing...
As rhe feeling is sort of crushing
Thanks babe! I’m lucky to have my friends as well, at least the few I still keep around, I prefer a tight circle these days lol an I’m so glad you can see through his shit. There was absolutely no reason for him to be like ‘did you miss me?’ ‘All good now that I’ve got a reply from you’ ‘missed our special connection’, to me it is very manipulative because there’s no intent besides stroking his own ego.
As my mom would say, sometimes the best response is none at all. He asked you if you miss him, I would just leave it there. There’s nothing more to say, you know? If you agree that it’s best to cut the cord, then start showing it with your actions. Treat him how you’d treat even a female friend who would just have to understand that you’re busy. You also wouldn’t feel the need with a female friend to keep the conversation going, as you can just hang out in person or there’s no topics.
Yes, exactly. I wanted to keep the relationship amicable but like you said, when he sent texts such as "I miss our special connection" which were uncalled for I'm now questioning the nature of this relationship.
I want to let him know that sending such texts is not ok with me. Haven't replied yet and feel pretty sad at the moment but at least can see things clearly...
Was thinking of replying :"huh, what do you mean?"
No need to beat around the bush, him asking if you miss him is plenty straightforward in my opinion lol. I genuinely think that the best way to show it’s not ok for him to send those messages is just not to respond at all. I think you feel like you have to say something to that, but why?
Yes, I guess it is pretty straightforward showing that in reality he was just playing all this time, didn't really care about being friends, comrades or penpals and now I'm thinking that maybe he even showed our conversations to his friends...
Feel like the person I knew just died or wasn't there to begin with.
Oh, that's a good question. I guess I want to let him know that I did like him for his personality and way of being. Was thinking of replying : "oh dear, you are not the person I thought you were " but I don't usually deal with negative vibes in my life and tend to avoid creating them.
I think I was falling in love with this man and there is just a thought of sending a short text to let him know that I know what he's doing /has been doing this whole time.
That I'm not just ignoring him because I am thinking of what I should respond and will come back eventually...
Just a short response but I'm trying to think how yo word it so it's not negative. I don't want to give him negativity...
Despite the opinion I’ve started to form about this man, I would genuinely hope that he isn’t the type of guy to take your conversations and show them to his friends. That just sounds so immature and there isn’t much of a point because what’s there to show? It’s not like you were exchanging sexy pics, having dirty conversations or anything worth sharing.
I feel like you’re really leaning towards responding, and if you do then of course, no judgement from me. All I can really say is to think hard about what you’re ready and willing to do after the conversation. If I were you, my intent of confessing would be to shut the door after. I would feel very disinterested in a dynamic with a man where he flirts and acts how he wants towards me but all under the guise of friendship. Like you’ve said, it’s too confusing and I can do bad all by myself.
If you confessed with the intent of dating afterwards, ask if this is really the guy you’d want to begin that journey with. I’d consider everything leading up to this moment, who he’s shown me to be as a person, and if our story is the one I’d want to tell everyone one day. Like how would it look? As though he took me for granted or strung me along? All this would play a part of my decision making.
I noticed you said it feels like the person that you knew died, but I don't know how well you even knew the guy as a person vs who you were hoping he’d be. It hasn’t been a very long time of knowing this guy, right?
Hi,
True. Think we started texting in June last year and had a few lengthy conversations+ met 4 times.
Oh no, at this point I definitely would not want to date him. Despite of how hurtful it is and how much I like so many things about him (his views, his smile, the funny faces he makes sometimes, his sense of humor and character) despite all of this I don't think I would like to be in a relationship with him. Like you said he's been acting under the guise of friendship.
I just wanted to respond to let him know that this is NOT me trying to "power play by not responding". That I am not being hard to get.
Just that he is not the person I thought he was and that's sad.
But that is a hurtful thing to say so I'm really not sure...
If I could let him know that yes, ok I had a crush on him. But now can see that he is not the person I thought I met. Basically that I trusted he wouldn't behave this way.
And that this is the reason why I want to distance myself. Not because I want to play games etc...
You are right. Perhaps I never really knew the person but oh, if you met him.. He is so interesting and nice to talk to. And I miss his aura.
All of that ruined by his last messages though...
Oh thank goodness! Lol I am so glad you don’t want a relationship, I’m sure he has his redeeming qualities and maybe this is just an outside perspective but you can do soooo much better. I don’t want to vilify him entirely, I just don’t feel like he makes great choices when it comes to women and how he treats them.
I think I get the gist of what you want to say, but my question is what sort of person did you think he was that you’re disappointed/hurt he isn’t? Who did you trust him to be that he wasn’t? I’m mainly asking so that you have a clear idea of what you want to say, what point you’re trying to make, and if it’s even worth it.
I’ve had sooo many of those talks with myself in the past, and I know that your idea of the conversation vs what actually will be said can be far different. There’s the potential of clamming up and losing your nerve, even if you’re a very straightforward person.
Ah, thanks!
Yes, I don't want to offend him in any way.
In general I felt like I could trust him (for example the last time we met I KNEW I could go to his apparent and he wouldn't make moves on me).
Also, I thought he would never use the fact That I had a crush on him to build his ego. He seemed to be cautious (like the time when he kept asking if I like him because I'm asking all these questions).
Most of all I thought that be enjoyed talking to me. That I wasn't there solely to boots his ego...
I thought he would never use the fact I liked him to boost his confidence like that. Like he did in those messages.
Don't quite know how to word it without offending him.
But also don't him to think that this is a "power play" from me for not responding.
It is not... Just sad he decided to use the fact that I like him to start a conversation thinking I was daft enough to think he's being serious.
We had so many laughs. It is very hard to believe that this is the same person who sent me those messages... :(
I don’t think he chats with you solely to boost his ego, just on occasions like this where he’s asking where you miss him or presenting topics he knows cross the line. That’s when I think he’s trying to boost his ego at your expense. He doesn’t respect your boundaries the way he does his own, I’m sure all his exes who needed therapy can attest to that lol. I also view those women as a cautionary tale as to why he is single, because while yes it is partially by choice, there’s two sides to every story and for each woman to need help after dealing with him says a lot about how problematic he is and will continue to be.
So while you’re protecting him and worrying so much about how he will respond to not speaking with you, he may not be even deserve all that grace. I hope he gives you half as much consideration when he isn’t reaching out or wondering what that does to you emotionally. Your betterment and mental health deserve just as much fight as you put into making sure he’s happy and keeping the relationship maintained.
I know you feel the need to give him peace of mind but I truly worry about what it will do for your heart in the process.
Haha yes... One might wonder what happened to those girls...
Thank you. Yeah. Hope he didn't mean to do that all the time...
I just replied to him saying : "Oh dear. I really liked the guy I got to know but these last few messages...
Too bad you chose to do that..."
His immediate reply :" oh dear... Why so serious?" with a smily face hiding.
Not sure what to say to that...
So, in the end I replied :" sorry you're disappointed"
🙃
So I’m be super honest, I don’t think these were the best responses, maybe it’s the choice of wording. You know what you want to say or ask, so this just looks avoidant but leaving things open ended. By saying things like “sorry you’re disappointed, it puts him in a position to pity you when he’s the one at fault. Like what is there for him to be disappointed over? You’re such a kind woman but I think in your effort to avoid confrontation or make him feel better, you talk down on yourself, which isn’t great in general. Your self esteem will suffer greatly if you keep doing things like that, love…
Hm... Yeah it does make sense what you're saying...
I'm now thinking that maybe he was so shocked by my response saying - why so serious? - because because genuinely did not know I fancied him and he genuinely just jokes around?
I mean
I don't know :(
After he said that I started thinking that maybe indeed I've overreacted.
Not sure what to do now.
Just want to let him know that it's not ok.
But if he genuinely didn't mean tobbe manipulative in this case. By sending messages like "did you miss me" and allt he flirty texts.
I'm now really confused kn whether he genuinely was just joking around or did he write that on purpose knowing I like him so it will boost his ego
Unless you didn’t mention something else you said to him then I honestly think he’s just confused about the lack of context. In your mind, you know how you’re feeling and what you want to say, but you’re skirting around it since you’re afraid of the outcome.
I recognize you’re trying to play it safe. c but to be so vague and only write “sorry you’re disappointed” or “too bad you chose to do that”… it’s like, chose to do what? Lol or disappointed for what?
If you’re going to crack the door for the conversation you actually want to have then you have to be more straightforward.
Ignore that random c before “but” lol
Ok... i get you
I'm not confused thinking that he didn't actually mean to be manipulative. His messages were over the top.
Maybe he doesn't know I like him /liked him?
Maybe this is not him trying to boost his ego?
In this case he wouldn't bave done anything wrong?
If he did know however. And he sent those things about missing me knowing full well that I'm crushing on him. When I would like to mention that... But it's hard! Lol
Oh what a mess!
I have no idea what's going on in his head! Lol
Was he just joking or was this him being an a** :(
We’ve been in touch for so long, I’m not sure where in our conversation I’d even be able to pinpoint it lol but I keep referencing this and I want to make sure I’m not doing so incorrectly. Didn’t you say that some time ago, you either told him or he found out you were interested and that’s how the whole pen pal thing got started? I really want to clarify this because if that never took place then I would be more on board with telling him you had/have romantic feelings. However if you’ve already gotten your answer at some point in time, I don’t see the need to put yourself through rejection again…
Maybe it wasn’t even the pen pal title, I’m mainly asking about the instance of you confessing at some point in time and ultimately him not reciprocating because he doesn’t want a relationship.
Hey!
No no, you are correct. And to be honest the whole situation is soo messy I finding it difficult to make ends!
When we met for the very first time. (Back in June) i sent him a text saying -" Sorry just wanted to clarify something. As it seems like I am receiving mixed signals from you."
And then I asked him if he wad interested in dating because I couldn't figure out his intentions.
His response was - "my intentions were purely platonic. There was nothing apart from smiles and lighthearted conversation".
So then I shot a text - "thank you for explaining. Just to mention think I really like you, hope you'll take it as a compliment."
He replied - " that's the best compliment I've received in a while long time! Hope we can continue our friendly relation"
After that we texted /exchanged memes. He always liked my stories with selfies in them. We finally met again in October. This is when he invited me to the restaurant. He asked me if I had male friends. And then he started talking about this other female friend he's got (which I now know he is not attracted to at all). And he said - Like us, we're pen pals-
He kept mentioning pen pals many times in our conversation.
We then met in December and he looked at me and said - " you are asking questions that someone who's interested in another person's would usually ask". He looked concerned.
When after I came back home he adked me sent me he text - "just sometimes I get the feeling that you ask questions that would indicate interest. I just want to clear this up so that we can continue having our pleasant conversations"
And then a month or so agobhe texted - "I do find you attractive but our personalities clash. Maybe it is for the besta actually. This way we can enjoy each other's company"
So from what I understood he turnede down repeatedly.
CONTINUING from the previous comment lol :
Fast forward to this week... Lol 😂😂
FIRST he sent me a song - the black keys - i miss the girl. That was a couple days ago. I thought it was a meme amd didn't read it lol
When after he realised I haven't read the message he texted "how are you?"
I replied that " I'm ok" and THAT'S when he started texting - "i am good now that you replied 🥺. I missed our special connection."
Then again he asked - "did you miss me? :)"
Lol
The last messages mind of messed with my head but now I'm starting to think that maybe I'm projecting and he didn't mean anything?
He didn't mean to be manipulative by sending those texts? :/
Thank you for clarifying! Lol the timeline actually helps, it gives me a better idea of where the confusion could’ve happened or where things went wrong.
Given this context, I’m quite surprised that you want to confess feelings again. It just seems like he’s been very clear, but you don’t want to accept it maybe? For some reason in my mind I was thinking this has a been a long term thing, but it’s only been a handful of months, under a year… maybe you formed attachments to him too quickly. Especially when he wasn’t giving you much to work with in the first place.
Maybe this is all just a matter of perspective and adjusting it so that you’re able to act in your best interest. So much of your decision making up until this point has been with his peace of mind at the forefront. You are very loyal to this person and protective of your connection, but what is it really doing for you? In a genuine way, what value does this man provide that you must hang on even as a friend?
I can't quite explain it... The second time we met I realised I liked him.
I thought he's a good person. Now every time I know we'll meet it becomes exciting.
I think maybe I'll tell him he hasn't done anything wrong and I just need to clarify some things for myself. Will say that he disappeared and then was a bit too flirty...
I can't quite explain why it is so sad cutting him off. I like his character, just the way he carries himself. He 8s very very manly in good ways. Maybe that's what I'm missing, don't know...
I will miss him so so much. I don't want to make him feel bad. But maybe at this point explaining to him what happened abd how in feeling and why i need distance would at least help so that he doesn't think I'm bipolar...
Given the fact that all his exes needed therapy I wouldn’t worry too much about him thinking I’m bipolar lol I’d actually be wondering wth is wrong with him. Like do you ever wonder about that? What chased every single woman in his life away?
You say that you worry about making him feel bad but honestly girly I think that is you and your own feelings. There’s just a lot of despair on your behalf that I don’t think he’d be experiencing if you weren’t talking so much, simply because he hasn’t formed the attachments that you have. He’s become unserious when it comes to women, I think he recognizes as much and probably misses “Caring”.
Perhaps you're right.
No idea what's wrong with him haha
I'll let him know I need space and probably won't even care. Maybe he'll joke around but yeah. Think you are right.
Will let him there's some things I've been thinking. If he'll care he'll ask abd I'll explain what's been happening. Will tell him thst hey, perhaps he was right. Think I do have a crush on him. For this reason we shall have some distance because for ne thst is confusing.
My god
It is HARD being single lol
Thank you for your advice ob Friday evening!!!
Oh wow, evening, where are you from? For me it is almost noon! Lol. Gosh, I am genuinely so sorry you’re having to go through this. I remember it all too well and it can really affect your mental going forward.
I think the best thing for you to do is to keep it incredibly casual. Wait until he’s actually asking why you aren’t talking so much, then give him your answer in the most amicable way possible. Something like “this isn’t about you, you’ve been a good friend but I just need some space to focus on myself. Don’t worry, we will check in eventually!”. Boom, super simple.
I understand that there’s more to it, more you want to say and more for him to understand but I’m thinking of the route that maintains your dignity the most. You don’t need his pity, his apology, or his clearance to not speak for a little while. Please take my advice on just this aspect, if you don’t then that’s ok too, but I think you would very much regret the route of trying to incite his care/affection.
You just have to be very strong and trust that everything will work out how it’s supposed to. Who knows, maybe not talking for a bit and not having so much access to you would give him the opportunity to miss you and/or rethink his approach when dealing with you. Who knows. But ultimately the time apart is so that you can work on yourself and be able to see things clearly.
Oh I know all too well, being single can suck! Before this relationship it was several years as a a single woman which followed a lot of disappointment from men. I realized that a lot of times they are only looking out for themselves. It’s up to us to care for us the most, if that makes sense.
Hey, it is almost nighttime here lol
Oh god... Oh god oh god oh god lol
I will tryyy to follow your advice. It is very hard. I really want to tell him everything.
But you are right. He is not thinking about this relationship the way I do.
He already rejected me so many times.
For him it's just fun.
I understand completely what you mean about him pitying.
Ohhh.. Will tryyy to stay casual.
Just need to defuse the bomb from yesterday lol when i said he's not the person i thought he was (because he sent those flirty texts).
What a mess! Lol
I know following through right now is especially scary because then it makes things “real”. Like if you stop engaging then what if he never reaches out again? What if this hurts his feelings? What if he forgets about you and moves on? Etc etc etc, it’s all fear of the unknown and quite frankly shit you just can’t pour any more energy into worrying about lol. He’s a man, they always come back at one point or another for this or for that, but unfortunately it is rarely with anything new to say.
Defusing the bomb, I hear you on that one I have let off several in the past lol. My advice? Don’t treat it like a bomb. I doubt he will ask you to clarify what you meant because that would lead into talking about your romantic feelings, which you already know he doesn’t want to do. Any time you’ve even alluded to deeper feelings he’s quick to remind you of that pen pal or just friends bs lol, like I said, he is firm in his boundaries. So move on past what you said, treat as a nevermind, hope he’s doing well and that’s all.
Trust me when I say that I would never suggest or advise anything to you that I wouldn’t do or haven’t done myself. You’re incredibly conflicting about this, but I promise that once you really commit to time away from him without caving even for a couple weeks, you will start to see things clearer. Give yourself the opportunity to wake up one morning in the near future without him on your mind and if he is there then you only feel contentment because the romantic love is gone. It was such a relief for me that I will never forget, realizing that I hadn’t so much as thought about a certain guy when weeks before he’d be on my mind the entirely day. You can have that too if you give yourself the chance.
*conflicted
Hey,
Sorry haven't responded earlier.
I texted him back yesterday saying that "hey sorry I overreacted, know you didn't mean anything. Glad to hear you're well"
That song he sent me "girl is on my mind" by the black keys. It is about a man trying to do everyday things but there is this girl that keeps popping into his head that he can't get over.
And when he mentioned "special connection"
I'm really conflicted about why he did that.
I not I'm useless lol and this ie embarrassing. But I'm very close to sending him a video I wanted to send some time ago.
I feel pretty stupid because like you said - he set some firm boundaries.
But why would he send stuff like that :songs and act like we were on a date.
You are right. Thinking about him forgetting about me is very scary. Also I'm scared to think that he now thinks I don't like him as a person anymore.
Not a very productive course of events lol
I also have knee pain now and can't go jogging which is my go to distraction lol
That’s one of my favorite songs! Lol also sorry about your knee, i also go for runs with my dog and it would suck not being able to do that 😭 Sigh, I really wish there was something I could say to make you not send the video, message, etc. lol but you keep doing it anyway. I know all too well that sometimes you just have to do those things, make those moves and get to whatever your end point will be, on your own time.
I’m rooting for you🤍
Also I hope that didn’t look mean or rude to say that you keep doing it anyway. Not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just not sure what I can say, when ultimately you still respond and interact. I hope you get to the point where you can comfortably show the restraint, which is basically what I’m trying to say.
Hi, not at all :)
Thank you for the support!
It is a great song! Haha
And the way he wrote - I miss out special connection - I was both sas reading it. Realising that he might actually know that I like him.
Haven't texted him since the brief convo a day ago. I said that everything is ok and understand that he didn't mean anything. And all is good lol also said that indeed our chats were nice
He was cheat enough to reply :"happy to make you happy" lol
I've resisted the urge to send him a video that reminded me of him yesterday.
Not sure if I'll cave in today. Hope not.
Sorry for being such a useless case here lol
I just flicked through his photos and realised that I like his masculinity a lot.
Even he is a short man lol
His character is very masculine but in a good way. I think this is what hooked me the second time I met him. And then I found out many more things about him that I liked and the way he talked.
You were right about being afraid of him feeling rejected. I really don't want him to think that I've forgotten about him.
Which is why... There is a stupid thought in my head that I should tell him why and leave.
Just reread some of your comments to set myself straight. My friend suggested confessing to him or staying friends since we've got such a good connection.
But I think you are right. I just need to redirect my thinking from time to time.
This is not healthy. Unfortunately the chats we had and times we met were amazing.
Will see how it goes... But so fsr very very hard :(
Thanks again 💛💛💛
You’re not a useless case! Lol like I said, sometimes we just have to go through it and get to whatever the end result will be, on our own and at our own pace. You’ve really fallen for this guy so I know it’s hard not communicating. In those weak moments, just remind yourself why you’re having to restrain yourself in the first place.
I’m not sure that I can agree with your friend, mainly because despite having a good connection, the friendship has become toxic. Taking some time away from him is really just like re-establishing the boundaries. Also, I thought he knows you like him? You want to remind him?
I'm really confused about that! (whether he knows that I like him or not).
Still not sure about that to be honest. Have no idea why he sends me texts like that (I missed you etc).
Just had a conversation with him which honestly felt a bit like a stab in the chest. Only after reading that I realised that I do (DO) like him a lot.
He's been skiing (he hasn't reached out to me all the while he's been skiing).
He called me on the phone a day before his trip and explained everything about it.
He messaged me right after he came back from the trip ( the song and then I the messages about missing our ocj, conversations)
Itvis stuff like that that mess withmy head6so much. I had guys who liked me and behaved like that
But he said so many times that we're pen pals. Mpre importantly, that he is not looking for anything (any relationship at the moment).
He was kind kn this way and communicated it gently so I really can't blame him.
But now we just had a conversation. I tried to keep it friendly.
So I joked saying :you must be a pro at skiing by now -.
Him-yes, I'm a pretty good teacher.
-me - haha if I know of any girls who are blonde I will recommend you as a great teacher -
He loves this response and added :
-i also thought brunettes and gingers -
So I joked saying that that's a lot.
His response - I prefer quality over quantity -.
I know the things I sent weren't very nice. Didn't mean to objectify women at any point. And in reality I think I could recommend him to a friend if I had one as I know his personality. I would just warn that friend that he is not looking for a relationship, would tell them what's his character like (flirty sometimes ) but that he is a good guy overall.
Altough... Looking at this now I would feel anxious that my friend would fall foe them not just because of me but them also getting hurt. So both sides lo
Adding to previous comment :
Just finished crying /sobbing sesh lmao g thankfully working from home today and it's not busy. Didn't think his responses would hurt so much. It is like someone poured cold water all over and stabbed you at the same time.
I sent those texts to check what would happen and regret it now.
I might tell him how I feel. Not sure yet.
I'm pretty sure he'll disappear then. First will send a nice, understanding, friendly texts and then will disappear.
I'm not sure why this is happening but I'll try to listen to your advice in future.
Thank you for the help.
Gosh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! I feel so bad, especially that you’re sobbing and hurting. I feel like this is sooo much motivation, more than you should ever need to walk away.
I’ve been sticking to my guns when it comes to saying you shouldn’t confess your feelings, and mainly that’s because I think it would be degrading and hurt more than what you’re struggling through right now. Even if he does like you, enjoy talking to you, find you attractive, etc etc, it won’t take away from the basic fact that he just wants to be single. This is something you already know, so the only benefit in confessing is just to get it off your chest really. The only other benefit would be to help yourself maintain distance afterwards but that’s about it, babe…
How do you feel your other dating prospects are? Has it been hard meeting other men in your area, maybe going through a bit of dry spell?
Sorry I hit the send arrow on the last one trying to backspace and didn’t finish what I wanted to say lol. I’m only asking about other men because when I think about it, any time that I’ve been most miserable over a guy is when I didn’t have any other distractions. That could be a thing for you as well! Like from where I’m standing I haven’t heard one thing that makes this guy worth all the agony, and you’d probably be able to see it as well if there were at least some other masculine man coming around, maybe even a bit taller lol😭
Oh. Thank you!
Your answers are always very genuine. Really really appreciate that!!!
Thanks so much. Completely understand what you mean by not telling him. And my mind agreed.
But it is my irrational mind that keeps thinking that maybe I should tell him that. There is no other point than realising this off my chest now... He will say no he wants to be alone. Or even so he wouldn't want to be with me. And I guess that would be embarrassing yet again. I'm a bit scared of feeding his ego again lol but sometimes feel like really want to say it
Just the way he kept writing about teaching other girls. And how positively he reacted when I told him jokingly that I will let other blonde girls know he's a good instructor. A part of me hoped he that would have responded by saying he would have preferred to train me instead, the stupid and irrational part lol 😂
So after he kept going about redheads anf brunettes it just felt horrible!
Ah, yes I guess I'm having a bit of a dry spell!
Will try finding new dates. Problem is he is still on top of my mind lol
I know! It doesn't make any sense because the fact alone that he's short amd I'm tall is making this difficult to even think about!!!
Don't quite understand how I ended up in this position lol
Girl I hear you 100%! Imagine the absolute dread and shock I had to face when I was mourning a man who was 5’5 and I’m only 5’6 1/2!😂 My trick is after I got over the initial wallowing I’d kick my own ass for my choice in men, so then I’d start feeling guilty, give myself the “ick” over him and eventually the sadness faded lol. I would focus super hard on why we were incompatible and for the dude who was 5’5, I knew the height difference would get to me eventually. My confidence was decent but to feel taller and bigger than the guy I am sure I’d struggle with it at some point😂 even when I tried to give myself some reassurance like “look at Zayne and Gigi Hadid (they were together at the time) if she can do it so can I!” Lol it was a disaster. I doubt you struggle with that but basically I’m just giving you examples of ways I tried to both accommodate that relationship while I was in it and giving myself the ick once it was over. Maybe something like that would help you leave this guy in the dust lol.
Another thing I genuinely wonder about too is what he must be like as a boyfriend. Since he is your friend and there are currently no expectations, you have only ever gotten the best version of him. He is always on his best behavior and showing you every reason why you’ve fallen in love with him and I’m sure you can’t see any flaws. But from my removed, outside perspective, I genuinely feel like not dating him is dodging a bullet. All of his exes needed therapy, each one. What sort of mental gymnastics does this guy play? I mean, for him to be flirting and sending these suggestive videos paired with his commentary when he knows how you feel and knows he won’t give you more is pretty cold. It isn’t wrong, but it’s very telling. This is what you experience as a just a friend and you’re going through it, imagine him with expectations and prioritizations on the table. I think it would be worse than you can even imagine from him.
And yes! I think some new prospects would make all the difference. With you and this guy, it’s become less about friendship and more about you seeing him as a potential partner and being sad at the idea of it not happening. He aligns perfect with what you want in a man, and the idea of losing it entirely is making it hard for you to cut ties.
I think it would be nice to be reminded that he isn’t the only one with those traits and qualities. Even if he’s made you feel how no other man has in the past, it doesn’t mean you won’t experience that in the future. Everything feels bleak and impossible when you have no reference points in the past and no way of foretelling the future. You just have to have faith that everything you’re doing now will set you up for the right person in the future.
I swear to you, I made the worst choices in the past because I genuinely thought I’d never find a guy like this one or that one ever again. Knowing what I know now, I wish I made the choices I knew needed to be made in the past but couldn’t let go of the person. With this guy, I think you also know what needs to be done but can’t do it because of your fears. But something so much better could be waiting down the road. You just can’t see it yet.
Hey,
Thank you :) haha yes. Will be honest and will say that I would be very uncomfortable dating him because he is much much shorter that me! Lol I'm 5'10 so very tall. Not sure how tall he isbbut really short.
I know if sounds almost dreadful! Lol
I had nooo idea I will like him. Especially before the first meeting.
That's true. It feels odd. I've been single for a little less than 2 years, outbofn8 year long relationship.
Moved into the city whwre my ex lived and stayed there. Still trying to make friends (met some girls and we went on trips etc).
And I think this might be it. He might be the endorphine boost.
The worst thing is that he is everything I wanted. Even the way he talks lol the ultimate thing was his masculinity and how calm and collected he is. There always a subtle aura of happiness around him.
I almost want to tell him I had a crush on him so that he would cut me off lol since it seems like I suck at this.
Sorry you had to go through that too!
I bet it was difficult! It is so hard when you think this person is the best you're gonna get. Very happy for you and hope you guys stay together!
Honestly I don’t think he would cut you off for confessing a crush lol mainly because he didn’t do that before, so why would he now? I think in his mind, he’s set his boundaries so for you to continue interacting with him he thinks you’re ok with this kind of friendship when in reality you’re not. Being honest with yourself, what would you hope to gain from staying friends with him? I’m not sure you’re quite ready for distance yet, so what would you like instead? Friendship isn’t really on the table when you still have such strong feelings for him, and I think that you may always look for deeper meanings in his actions. Like sending you a specific song, or using certain words. You may always wonder if each thing is him being one step closer to becoming serious, when for him it’s different. That mindset is hard to switch off when you’re still interacting regularly with the person, or didn’t have time to get over them.
Hm... You're probably right lol
Sorry for not responding for so long. Hope you're doing well.
It's so odd and unhealthy on my part. We haven't talked that much. And met a couple times. Last time was in December. Not like we are the best of friends.
And yet, he really took a hold of me lol
I tried to keep online conversation casual l.
Asked him if he's ok.
He replied saying - all good. Just some romantic shinanigans-
That text was like a stab to the chest
.
He later explained
- there is girl. Think she seduced me but now can see red flags all over. -
According to him he doesn't have his pink glasses on anymore.
I replied saying- maybe that's because of your past experiences. Ut is hard to judge without knowing the whole situation. Hope you'll be happy though. -
Aaaandd then afte that I also wrote - "maybe it would be best to pause communication for a while "
And he immediately replied - ok, Ms. *myname"
It hirt when he replied just like that. And didn't ask why.
I still haven't read and replied to that message.
Sooo... That did not go well at all lol
That was as awkward as it could possibly get lol
The way I now think about all the girls he was talking about, how they flirted etc.
Not feeling very cheery right now. A bit pathetic and lowbon energy.
It will be fine. Wish it wasn't that painful.
Thank you for your advise! You are 100%
right. I'm still wondering why he would call me then before going on a trip. Why he sent texts like that.
If I told him I had a crush on him like you said - there might be some pity on his part. I don't want that. But also don't know how to proceed.
I know I'm a lost cause lol I'm trying my best!
Thank you for your advise. You were right. There are no positives here. Not sure what I'm getting from interaction with him... Hope all is well with you!
Awe don’t worry about that, you’ve got a life to live! Lol. Gosh, I kinda worried about that, like him venting to you about another woman and that’s why I was like are you ready to be that person for him? I think it’s too hurtful, so I’m glad you asked to have a bit of space. I really hate how he responded to it but even that I kind of expected. Ugh, men are just too predictable lol. Anyway, things can only go up from here! You got the hardest part out of the way, now you can really heal apart from him.
Despite feeling sad, I hope you are just as proud of yourself for having the strength to do this. I know it’s hard, but still, I’d also say it’s the exact opposite of what a lost cause would do! Lol😂❤️
Also, I would truly, truuuuly leave that comment from him untouched if you haven’t responded yet. There’s just nothing left to say, and judging by his dismissive response I wouldn’t care anymore about hurt feelings and such.
Hi,
Thank you!
Yes, it was pretty dismissive :(
Well... He also added an emoji like this
"Ok 🫣"
Lol 😂
Yes, it was so so horrible to have to tell him that (that I can't be talking to him anymore) ! Because there is no way back. Even if we somehow start chatting again in future it will be a bit awkward lol
Well...
Um
I sort of replied 😂
Partly because it is very hard to let him go.
He texted -" Ok 🫣. Ms. *my name."
I replied -" Ms? 💀 🫣"
He then replied again - "Ups sorry i meant Miss of course 😊"
At this point feel pretty down. It is like he wanted to age me or something lol.
It still hurts. Him talking about how he likes the other woman. How she seduced him etc. That was a stab in the chest.
Deep down I knew he will just say" ok" when I'll say that I need space. It still hurts though.
You are completely right and he wouldn't care if I explained to him why. Problem is that I still want. No matter how illogical it may seem.
Yes, men are predictable haha thank you for advise as usual ❤️agree with everything you say. It is just sooo hard to execute!
Hope you're doing well ( and your dog too!)
To add to my reply - I'm now starting to think that maybe he got upset and that why he reacted like that :(
I'm really confused about whether he was sincere when he was calling me my dear (sort of jokingly), said he missed me etc.
Now went very cold since my last message when I said that he's not the person I thought he was lol
And now told him we need to stop communicating.
I'm thinking maybe he thinks I'm also crazy 😂but to be fair his exes might have been normal gals. The last girl was a shocker (he told me stories about his last ex. Once she almost jumped out of the window on the 9th floor).
So now he's got this defence mechanism.
I already miss hin so much.
But my heart breaks everytime I think that for me our conversations were sweet and meant a lot but him it was just for fun
I know how you’re feeling, just wanting to get that off your chest and honestly I don't know if you can move past it until you do. It’s one of those “what if” scenarios. I think you just have to acknowledge what would come with that conversation and tell yourself you are ready for that kind of hurt. I’m sorry, I wish I could say that confessing would give him a change of heart or would make him say exactly the positive thing is that you want to hear, but I just don’t think that’s on the table.
I feel like a good amount of hurt derives from the fact that not only does this connection mean differently for you than it does for him, but also him not fighting for you. I think any woman who loves a man wants him to not want to lose her the same way she doesn’t want to lose him. He has come to mean so much in your heart and it hurts that he isn’t reciprocating the love when you really want him to. I get that for sure. Still, hanging on to him in any form right now will only hurt you, so I do hope you’re able to stick to the no contact eventually!
It was incredibly hurtful for him to ask for advice on women and talk with you about friendship when just last week he sent that song, said he missed you, and etc. You’re going to break your own heart trying to be everything for him without much regard for yourself. I don’t believe he would put himself through this for you, he would have it how he wanted it or nothing at all. You should create those same boundaries, since he does so well at sticking to them.
Hi, yes I just keep thinking about telling him that. If I was tipsy I might lol but I quit alcohol (never drunk a lot just for for the sake of health benefits).
I kept thinking about his reaction and like you said - he won't fight for me which os hurtful...
I was thinking of telling him that his suspicions were correct. That I think I might in fact have a crush on him so that's why it would be better to have some distance.
I've got a feeling that he will respect with something like - "I understand 🙏ms" myname"
And that's just devastating...
Deep down I know he will never have a change of heart. But there is this part that just can't let him go.
Yep, him sending that song and saying those things... And then talking about the girl was numbing. She might be great. And they might end up together.
If they do the whole scenario of him treating me like a "pen pal" would be even worse :(
Just don't feel attractive right now. I'm sure it will pass lol
You know how it feels. Like there won't be another guy like him. And how hard it is to pet go.
Hope you're doing well. Thank you for the kind words!
Feeling a bit like there's a hole inside lol
To add to previous comment - not quite sure how to word it (me telling him that I like him).
I want to keep it short but at the same time know that this might be the last chance to talk to him and after that I won't be able to say anything at all.
Or he might think I'm crazy lol
Oh man, I reeeaaally don’t think you should confess babe! Lol I mean if you have to get it off your chest no judgement from me of course, take a couple shots, let him know and let that be the end of it. I just feel like it’s another level of hurt that you don’t need when you’re already struggling.
When you told him initially that you wanted to cut contact, he didn’t even both asking why, just “alright miss so and so” or however he worded it. At least if he created the window, that would be much better.
Personally I don’t feel like he would plan on being with that woman, if anything it’s a hookup situation, he doesn’t strike me as the sort to commit. Still, it gives you a great example of how he’s living his life and to me, it’s without regard for how you’ll feel.
The whole crush things feels a bit confusing, because you’re saying his suspicions were correct, but didn’t he already know in the past you had feelings? Would this just be like a reminder? Not asking that in a weird way lol just confused on that aspect😭
Yeah, completely understand!!!
To be honest I'm confused too lol
Right after I met him for the first time I texted him saying - "I think I really like you. Hope you'll take it as a compliment. "
He texted back - " that's the best compliment I've received on a long time. Hope we will stay in friendly relations"
I took as him rejecting me
Then after that he kept calling me "comrade, penpal" etc.
I never told him straight - I've got romantic feelings for you-
Buuut I'm pretty sure he suspected.
After the last time we met he said that tge questions I'm asking made him wonder.
He said something like- I just want to make sure so that we can keep having our nice conversations. -
And also he said - I do find you attractive but our characters clash too much. And I think it might even be better that way.-
He said it without me confessing feelings to him. As if he already knew.
I wonder if he went mute and sent such a short response was because it was unexpected and maybe he was a little hurt? At least that's what I would like to believe lol😂
Yeah, it's such a messy situation. I'm sorry!
He's pretty smart when it comes to reading people. So I think he figured I liked him. But I'm not sure! Feeling confused myself lol
Confused and hurt :(((( I mean, I know he probably thinks I'm a little crazy after I sent him a text - you're not a guy I thought you were -. (that was after his "I miss you" messages).
You're right. Think that's just to get off my chest and yessss absolutely he didn't leave any window for that... So I will most definitely make a fool out of myself. Just hope it will stay with him and he won't tell anyone...
To be fair he probably won't.
I've been thinking about telling him that for months. It's probably going to kill me morally lol
You know the feeling like you know if can keep chasing as long as you wish but it still not going to happen...
But you still keep doing it :(
Sorry I’m just getting back to you! Busy day lol. Thanks for clarifying that part, because if he doesn’t know for sure that you like him then it’s fair to let him know.
I do worry about the outcome and what it’ll do for you mentally, and I would just say to be prepared. What you don’t want is to become depressed or hurt if he isn’t offering to date. But honestly at this point, maybe the closure in whatever form it comes would be the best.
Have you thought of what you’d like to say? Or what you’re hoping would come of the confession?
Hi, no worries at all!!
I wrote him yesterday! A loooong message lol :
"If you've got a girl who is constantly "on your mind" who you can't seem to ignore or unwind it's ok to be a bit paranoid. Maybe she doesn't have that many red flags and it's just your past experiences echoing back.
Some stuff became a bit clearer in the couple months and think I might have a crush on you (not even sure why to be honest. A bit confused by that).
The time when we went to yours absolutely did not expect anything to happen. It's pretty clear that you're a good person and had a gut feeling that you could be trusted. Also, really don't think you see me in that way which is ok. In any case really glad it went the way it did.
Thank you for sticking with all the questions I had and being very (very) patient lol
It would be a bit weird to keep talking. At least for now. Think you'd agree. "
His reply :" thanks for writing this. I'm more than happy to accommodate your comfort zone "
Which is nice I guess but at the same time completely crushing lol
I replied :"thank you for understanding. Probs best to stay no contact for the time being. I'm sure you understand. Best of luck with the lady!"
He replied :"Fine. Will miss our chats. Take care 🥹"
Me:" will miss them too. Thank you for your patience and always being good!"
Him - "My pleasure. Thank you for a lovely company 😊"
He didn't say anything about dating or anything about why we wouldn't work out5. I don't really feel attractive now lol but I'm working on it!
Think the biggest stab was when he said he met a girl. Just kept crying after that abd knew i just couldn't take him saying things like that.
Thank you again for your advise! I'll try to never text him again ever lol
Gosh I’m sorry, I really didn’t want him to get the chance to do this again, I had a horrible feeling he would😞 but hey, what’s done is done! I think at the end of the day, you’ve really wanted to get that off your chest, and I think what you wrote worked fine! I’m glad the ending was amicable and that now with this closure, you can move past your romantic feelings.
Maybe one day you two will be able to chat again, but please try not to let it be for a good long while! Lol I’m sure you’ll have your moments of weakness when you see a video or meme he’d like, but just remind yourself of your boundaries and send it to someone who will appreciate it more.
I’m sorry that this situation has you not feeling the best about you looks, but my advice is to please not incorporate that into why thing’s ultimately didn’t work. He is just a person who may be good in character but sucks when it comes to handling women, nothing to do with your looks. I think in his mind this is all okay, when in reality it can be very hurtful for the woman he’s plopping in the friendzone.
He will have to face repercussions for this one day, and that’s not even me wishing him bad, it’s just a fact of life. You can’t be this way to people and then have things work in your favor, because karma is real. He will be in your shoes at one point and when the day comes (if you two are even still in contact) I hope he gives you the apology you deserve, I really hate that it was no where mentioned in his responses.
I hope you’re handling this okay, it sucks right now but each day it gets easier! If you need to chat with me at all, even just having a hard moment then please keep in mind that I’m here for support. You can come to this comment or I can send you my username. I’m mainly anon in the first place to detour a pretty scary stalker I’ve encountered here lol, but yeah!☺️❤️
Hi! Sorry for not replying earlier. Currently travelling for work.
Sorry about your stalker 😬and thank you so much! ❤️❤️❤️
Yess... He got another chance haha.
The only thing that made it a little better 2as when he wrote :":"Fine. Will miss our chats. Take care 🥹"
This made me think that maybe he will miss me after all lol
That's not very healthy thinking I know!
I can't browse IG the same way I used too lol there are memes I'm seeing that relate to other memes or other topics we talked about :(
His messages about seeing other girl /talking and flirting with other girls were so painful. I didn't expect them to be sooo so bad. I knew they would not be nice but itbwas awful!
I understand what you mean about repercussions and yes, I've got no anger or pity directed towards him. You said it well - not wishing him bad.
He's got such warm character, he always replied to me as soon as he could (sometimes within seconds).
Will try to do something else / concentrate on other things.
He is still at the top of each of my stories but ever since I said I wanted a pause he stopped liking the ones with my photos inbthem.
But he is definitely not thinking so much about this whole situation and has moved on long ago...
To add to the previous comment.
Just listening to Lee Fields - I should have let you be. Love him, the man I'm oj about loves him too lol
I guess that's a good soundtrack for this situation 🙃
Sorry, adding a third comment : I'm actually starting to feel bad.
Maybe he was feeling down and needed female support because he was anxious about that the girl he likes might not be who he thinks she is.
Maybe he was feeling vulnerable.
I don't know... i miss him too lol
So sorry I’m just getting back to these! Was doing a bit of travel lol, how have you been doing? Hopefully you haven’t reached out, it’s hard but I do feel like it’s the necessary steps.
You are very considerate for this man, even after him mentioning this other woman, you worry about him feeling down or anxious on her behalf. I don’t think either of those are the case, at least not in regards to her.
Missing him sucks, I know, but this is part of getting over him. If you caved each time missing him felt overwhelming, you’d only have to start the grieving process all over again. Give yourself a real chance to move on, even though you don’t want to.
Hi. Thank you and no worries! Sorry wqw travelling in the past two days.
I haven't reached out to him since :)
Yes, maybe. Just really hope that he knows that I do think he's hardworking and a good person. Sometimes I wonder if he is upset that I've cut him off.
He doesn't like my stories or photos anymore but watched every single one of them. In a way that's better. Mayebe this is him respecting my boundaries.
I'm now going to the country he lives in again. Haven't reached out to him and would normally pray for him to come and see me ( he lives in a different city but in that same country). He came to see me one time 4 months ago and invited me to a restaurant.
That's how this post started.
In a way it is better that he's not liking my stories etc.
Still miss him terribly. Had many moments where I thought about him lol
I’m so glad you haven’t reached out! I know it’s hard but remember this is all still so new, it’s going to take a bit of time and patience to get over your romantic feelings. Since you didn’t know him for a very long time (this all seems to have taken place in less than a year), I can’t imagine it’d be too much longer to let your romantic feelings go.
How you view his character I don’t think matters very much, basically because he hasn’t taken the steps to assure you care in the first place. I’d say the most hurtful but eye-opening factor was his lack of effort or desire to keep you two connected. In the times you feel weak and need motivation, just take a moment to remember he hasn’t contacted you today, yesterday or any day actually asking why you want some space and if there’s anything he could do to change your mind. That isn’t something that takes ample amount of romantic desire, just a basic effort to keep you in his life. I wouldn’t even care that he watches my stories after this tbh. Of course this is assuming he hasn’t made any moves since you officially cut contact. And while I’m sure you’d like to defend him (no offense, but you do, even unintentionally lol) with saying he’s respecting your wishes or whatever, yeah we could go with that, but personally I know better. A guy who’s really worried about losing you or is concerned with the things you wonder about (like being upset he was cut off), he would reach out. It says a lot about the fact he hasn’t, it’s also a healthy motivator!
Thank youuu
Haha... As I was reading your answer, after the first part I was already thinking of saying - maybe this is him respecting my wishes - and then further down you wrote that 😂🙈
Thank you so much for the kind words 🧡
I think it's really getting better now. I do sometimes have "pangs" of hurt. But those are nothing compared to December.
I know I shouldn't care about him looking at my social media content.
But he stopped liking anything I posted after we had that conversation.
Also, today for the first time ever he did not see my story. Ever since we connected on Instagram he would see my every story and like the ones I'm in. And he would do this in minuted lol (like he a special setting set or something lol).
This is hte first time in about 9 months that he's done that.
Also my conversation makes me think (again, like you said 😂) that maybe that's him respecting my comfort zone.
When I told him that I would like some space because I think I might habe romantic feelings for him his response was : I'm more than happy to accommodate your comfort zone.
And then I insisted that we should seize contact.
Addingour last conversation to the previous comment.
Thinking maybe that's him being respectful of me asking for distance? :/
Me :
If you've got a girl who is constantly "on your mind" who you can't seem to ignore or unwind it's ok to be a bit paranoid. Maybe she doesn't have that many red flags and it's just your past experiences echoing back.
Some stuff became a bit clearer in the couple months and think I might have a crush on you (not even sure why to be honest. A bit confused by that).
The time when we went to yours absolutely did not expect anything to happen. It's pretty clear that you're a good person and had a gut feeling that you could be trusted. Also, really don't think you see me in that way which is ok. In any case really glad it went the way it did.
Thank you for sticking with all the questions I had and being very (very) patient lol
It would be a bit weird to keep talking. At least for now. Think you'd agree.
Him :
Thanks for writing this 🙏
I’m more than happy to accommodate your comfort zone
Me :
No worries. Thank you for reading
Probs best to stay no contact for the time being. I'm sure you understand
But fingers crossed for you and the lady 💛
Him :
Fine. Will miss our chats. Take care 🥹
It was painful reading this again lol
Sorry. Adding a third comment.
I know I'm being petty but him not seeing my last story stings (I know I'm not being rational and this thinking is very superficial).
Feels like there's nothing left now.
In a way it's good feeling but also feels like someone just stang me and now him disappearing is real
Ugh, reading over what he said really triggers the memories of what I experienced and it’s so incredibly hurtful. The thing I kept telling myself was that “one of us had to be the strong one”. Of course I could be absolutely wrong, but I think that if mention of the other woman didn’t enter the chat, you would’ve kept engaging with him. Despite knowing that you two needed space so you could get over your romantic feelings, I feel like you would’ve kept granting him access to your time so long as he engaged, and to me this is very telling as to what you were and weren’t ready to do.
Him on the other hand, was fully ready and willing to uphold his boundaries. One thing he seems very firm about is being single and entertaining women only as friends or a bit more (friends with benefits) but that’s it. Every day he shows how committed he is to only being friends, whether it’s only sending you a meme or funny vid here and there, or hoping someone will stroke his ego when he needs it (I. E asking if you miss him and etc without returning the sentiments) then goes off and lives his life.
I think the difference for us as women is that we are for more emotional and accommodating for certain men. You had no issue (no offense!) with entertaining casual chat or engagement when you knew you shouldn’t, meanwhile if he knows he shouldn’t (because it crosses his boundary) he will uphold that. This is why you got no fight back or even questioned when you asked for space. It was clean cut on his end, emotionless and no problem giving you full finality in having space. He will ‘miss your chats’ and special connection, that’s all you got while you were giving him such a big cry for him to try. To me, so much of the underlying tone in your responses was “don’t let me go, because I don’t want to let you go”. Your hand was forced, while he did it with ease.
I just feel like sooo much was revealed in the last conversation without having to say a lot. You gave longer, thought out responses as to ease his peace of mind and give him clarity, while he only provided something brief. Even now you worry about what he’s taking away from the situation, like wanting him to know you think highly of him etc etc, it’s a woman coddling that he doesn’t need and hardly deserves, not because he’s a bad person but because of how he’s responded previously to your raw emotions. No apologies or questions — that is him maintaining boundaries, so you should be just as committed to not only creating but standing on yours going forward. I feel like this situation could provide a-lot for you to learn about yourself, and to figure out what changes you can make in the future.
Hi, you are correct about saying I would've continued the conversation.
I would've been distant (like I was tryyying to haha) .
But the first "blow" was when I joked - oh, if I know any blondes I will suggest you as an excellent teacher (for sports) - his reply was - yesss-
And then he added :
"actually I thought quite a few females this time ranging from red to brunette"
I bowled like a baby after reading that. For me that was the ultimate "I don't like you at all" message. Because a man will never talk about other women if he likes you at least a little bit.
Then next day he started talking about his "love interest" and I couldn't take it anymore.
You're right, his responses were brief... I wonder if it has anything to do with me texting him that crazy message when I said - You're not a person I thought you were -.
Maybe after he received that he thought I'm a bit weird lol... And decided to keep his distance.
BEFORE THE NEW YEAR :
Before new year he called me on the phone and I asked him many times why he talks to me. He explained it many times and was very patient with me. He sent loooong messages and he suggested to call me anytime so he could explain our relationship.
And he explained it saying :
"You are smart, curious and I do find you attractive. But I think our characters clash too much. I like your idiosyncrasies and the way you are "
We met in December and he wrote me :
"that was one of the nicest evenings I had. Thank you for your acceptance and trust"
NOW WHEN HE CAME BACK IN January :
I sent that text saying :"you're not the person I thought you were lol"
Adding (again 🙈)
I'm so sorry I keep blabbing on about himm... I'm so sooo glad you are in a happy relationship so reading my delulu stuff will not get you down as much (hopefully).
Thing is... I'm now retuning from aborad. Just visited the place where we met last time, same hotel room I was getting ready at and same city streets lol all the memories coming back lol
THE WEIRD THING is that he KNEW EXACTLY when I'll be coming. And on exact day pf my flight he stopped watching my stories.
He said he doesn't have female friends, I'm the only one... But you are right, he's probably got a lot of flings and whatnot.
What made me feel special is when he said that I'm the only female he chats to casually. That he doesn't do that usually. Unless he is dating someone and that he doesn't like sleeping casually...
So sorrymy delulu is brining back painful memories.
You are sooo right in every aspect. When you said "hoping someone will stroke his ego when he needs it" I now feel as if I've been left high and dry
I haven't contacted him and decided to go through the pain instead.
So sooo sorry if I seem mean in my comments. You are rughtbut my delusional self tries to find some shred of hope to hold on to...
Adding again... So true. He was always very firm withhis boundaries perhaps because he didn't care about losing me as much...
Wow, I love that I’m actually on when you are for once, then it’s not like a day later response! Lol. Well first off, I appreciate what you said about me being in a happy relationship, it was a long time coming! Prior to this though, I think I mentioned in my 20s I went through the same kind of experience you are (more than once) and my biggest advice is not to gaslight yourself. You aren’t delulu, this man did certain things that made you fall for him, and if you’re like me and hadn’t experienced that prior, it only makes gaining romantic feelings that much easier.
As you’ve said, you did NOT expect for this to happen, but it did and now I think it’s fair to navigate the aftermath without making yourself feel guilty or bad.
In one way I do agree about him not being afraid to lose you, but in a different way, simply because he doesn’t have the romantic attachments connected that you do. Like I don’t think it bothers him not talking for a few days but that’s because he sees you as only his friend. Not even a best friend, but someone he checks in with to chat or meet up if you’re in town. It is casual without deeper meaning because of his boundaries.
Meanwhile on your end, each thing done will likely have an emotional toll because of the attachment you formed, paired with not having been treated like this before (if you haven’t).
I remember dating a guy where prior to him, I’d never been taken on fancy dates or had men put in a great deal of effort. The thing is, what if that’s not a “big deal” for them? It means the world to us when we’ve never been treated that “great” by men in the past, or had mediocre relationships/connections. So what this guy did really means a lot, especially when your express how patient he was with you and stuff, sometimes that alone from a man makes a big impact.
Although this situation is hurtful, you can learn a lot from not only what’s happened but what he’s doing. He is showing you what it looks like to be very firm in boundaries without falter. For example, I don’t think you have a strict rule about not dating or being in a relationship, but if that were your standard and you were adamant about it, I doubt you’d make room for that to even happen. He takes necessary steps to assure you understand where you two stand, whether it’s saying this is only a special connection with special talks (or whatever he said lol) or not inquiring when you ask to cut ties. He purposely avoids anything related to dating like the plague, and it’s not about you, it is just his standard.
I think talking to him any further would be you treating that standard as an obstacle to surpass eventually and confusing his actions when you shouldn’t. I know there’s things you’d probably never do to a person you’re not into just out of consideration for letting them get over you, meanwhile he doesn’t feel the need to do that for you.
I also feel like he says what he thinks won’t upset like that he doesn’t keep other female friends but somehow you’re he only exception? What about that other woman he’d hang out with (not this one he mentioned most recently), wouldn’t she not be a factor at all?
Hi. Yesss seems haha so far been days apart.
Yes, remember you mentioning that. Sorry you had to go through this :((
Glad you were strong enough to set the boundaries and now you're in a better place 💛
But I bet that was hard... Absolutely understand you when you mention no man ever doing that for you...
It was the exact same for me. My past boyfriend would never take me out, let alone pay for me and I would usually be alone when I was sick and he would never check in.
This man remembered when I was sick once and asked how I am 2 days later (without me reminding him).
Yes... The restaurants etc. Somehow it hits you psychologically and your brain starts associating such gestures with safety and love.
Your past experiences sound a lot alike :(((
I won't text him.
Won't look at his storiesif he uploads them.
Going back home now and trying not to think about him.
Thanks again for your comments 💛and support
+adding
So weird he doesn't watch my stories anymore though. Like you said, seems like I was just an ego boost. Just so weird that his behaviour changed so drastically.
Watching a story only takes a couple seconds. It's almost like he's doing this intentionally...
I do agree that his actions are done intentionally, but I think the intent is just his way of abiding by your request to cut communication. I’m sure you didn’t mean for him to go as far as to not interact with your posts too, but honestly maybe it’s for the better. Like just look at how focused you’ve become with even just that aspect, you’ve probably started to post in hopes that he will interact, and chronically check for it throughout your day even absentmindedly. I’m not addressing that to make you feel guilty or “delulu” because it is normal and fair! I only mention this to shine a light on the fact that if he didn’t show the restraint, you’d likely still engage when you shouldn’t.
So rather than being sad about this, maybe you should be glad he is giving you the motivation (even unintentionally) to stay away. I do remember these feelings all too well, and I had to find little pockets of encouragement, motivation and affirmation wherever I could, whenever I felt weak or wanted to cave.
There is not a single thing easy about what you’re going through, especially if there aren’t other men in your orbit as distractions or much distraction from this grief in general. You’ve just got to muddy through it, keep things in perspective and remind yourself that this isn’t a loss.
And yes! Those things absolutely hit you psychologically! Lol. I remember this guy (same one i just mentioned) did absolutely right. He texted me every day to check in, send jokes, talk about game of thrones (that was our fave! Lol), we even had watch nights together. He took me on dates whenever, always opened the door for me, paid for our outings, etc etc, I truly thought we were heading somewhere. It took me a few years to be really done because while he wasn’t doing anything… he also wasn’t doing anything lol if that makes sense. He was fine being stagnant, no relationship but still enjoying my time. We never once had sex in those 3 years, but the situation was made more complicated than it ever needed to be. My mistake was not accepting his boundaries (he couldn’t commit because of religious reasons) and hoping I would be the exception. That would’ve gone on forever if I didn’t force myself out of it.
*absolutely every right*. Excuse the typos😂
Hey!
Yes, absolutely. Think that might be his way of respecting the distance.
Yep, absolutely agree. Trying to look at this as a positive. Better to go through this sooner rather than later!
Game of thrones was amazing! Lol
Oh wow, it does sound like he was giving you a lot of attention. Maybe aldo because he was constant (you being able to send jokes consistently consistent game of thrones marathons). Absolutely understand you.
Him taking you out oh the feeling... So sorry :(
You formed a bond AND with zero sez t feels even more special.
Hope to go through this!
Won't contact him.
That should b3 ok...
Miss him terribly but you're right. Reading your comment similar feelings flooded in... Oh boy lol...
+
I regret telling him "you're not the person I thought you were"
Keep thinking maybe he would've been different but I ruined it
And yesss... I hope he will check my posts... :(
Sorry for such a late response! It finally dawned on me to try logging in through the browser and not app, I haven’t been able to click on your question without it freezing and crashing lol I was like huh?😭
Anyway, how have you been doing? It’s only been a few days but hopefully it’s beginning to feel easier even the littlest bit. I remember all too well making post and things in hopes that a certain person would engage, but now I feel like it’s kind of toxic. It’s normal for sure, however it’s one of those things that keep him at the forefront of your mind and makes it hard to heal and move on.
Think about it like this, getting over him (or any hurtful scenario really) is like climbing a mountain. The initial climb up to that summit (or the top lol) can be hard af, especially if it’s been a long time since you’ve done it or you’ve never done it at all. But with enough effort and dedication to your goal, you will reach the top and the way down that mountain is always easier. Now the issue when you do things that keep him at the forefront of your mind is that you risk hitting the reset button. Imagine you start doing the work to climb that mountain, maybe make a bit more progress than last time, only to change your mind and fall right back down to the bottom, not even climb down safely. What happens? You gradually become more hurt each time you hit the ground, your climbing gear too ruined to try again or left behind in that mountainside altogether. Then what? You’re left feeling defeated because you have to start from the bottom again, disappointed in the choices that got you there, and frustrated that ultimately you’ll have to buy new gear to even attempt the climb again.
The moral here is basically to try not doing things that make it harder to move on, or pose the risk of setting you back to square one again. You’re making the right moves to climb, just commit to it and you will get to the top!
there. Ah, no worries!
I had the website lagging a couple times too!
I think it is a bit better but the trip to the city where we met back in November brought all memories back. It's ok though.
Absolutely, understand that this Is toxic and delusional and really, what would happen if he saw my photo and liked it? He would only look at it for 5 seconds and then he would nove on with his life. Which is ok but he wouldn't care about losing me at all.
Buuut the brain doesn't effing understand it lol and it's trying to hang on to every shred of him that's left.
I haven't texted him. Although missed him a lot today. Been watching Yellowstone. Last time we chatted online we talked about this show and how we wanted to see it. Next time I know he seen 4 seasons lol
It's good and a lot of things remind me of him. Nooot just the show, just in general. His character, the way he talks /texts and how he's always available (he always texted back as soon as he could. Sometimes he would text back when he was in the gym. And sometimes it would take him literally seconds).
+adding to the previous comment
I think I more or less remember when he seen my post for the last tume. It was when I posted a story about on my birthday a couple weeks ago.
I was already after I told him that I need space.
My friend and I went out and we took some photos /videos. I received a lot of compliments on the last photo. Dyed my hair a couple months ago and he really liked it.
I think around the time I posted a video with the new hair (I know that's his favourite color. Just so happened that it was rhe color I was going for too).. He said I looked 10 out of 10 before lol (just being flirty. ) but it was still a bit yellowish. Not this time I took all the brass out (finally) and posted a new photo.
I don't really like this version of myself. But embarrassingly it is hard to fight.
And more of less at that time he stopped looking at my stories altogether.
Sorry. Adding again.
Absolutely!
Getting in contact again would be like falling down K2...
I actually thought of watching Yellowstone a few months ago, I’ve been hearing great things so I’ll have to check it out lol how have you been doing? So glad you didn’t reach out! It’s hard but at the same time it gets a bit easier every day.
Hello, hope you're ok? :)
It is pretty good. And also 2nd season is the real deal, season one is like a starteelr, at least for me lol
Still haven't reached out!
It comes in pangs. He was very nice to me very often. I say very often because there were those moments when he really was a gentleman. Like the time we went to his apartment, he made 0 moves and literally transformed me into a pile of pillows and blankets because I was cold lol
Just some things he did really stood out because I can't remember being treated like that by a guy (guy being so considerate).
Me ex of 10 years - he never checked in on me when I was sick, wouldn't help me carry the groceries etc (even when he knew that the groceries I'm carrying are for both of us). I had to ask a couple times before he did lol
It is just weird. Someone being this considerate without asking.
Also last time we spoke on the phone he said he really loved travelling to this country and if I ever go I need to take him together lol. Now today I saw an advert on IG for that exact country :(
And yeah, just sometimes it is a bit sad but much better now I think.
A bit odd that he stopped watching my stories at the time when I posted the video with my finished hair look lol I must have dazzled him 🤣🤣
I've been texting with another guy. We were supposed to meet for a date. He never confirmed and on the day of the date said he's too busy for dating atm. After that he disappeared for a month and then reached out yesterday saying he regrets it lol not sure what to do here.
I’m doing pretty good! Gosh, I totally get where you’re coming from. It actually makes me sad when you think about it, like never having had a guy do the bare minimum so when one finally does, not only does it feel very special but hard to let go of. Something to keep in mind is that at one point, you probably thought your ex was the best you’d ever get. Then you meet this guy, and it’s like once again the feeling of never having this treatment and having a hard time believing you’ll find that in someone again. You just have to remember he’s not the only one who will make you feel all the great things you felt. Also I wish I had got on and saw this sooner because I would’ve advised against responding to the guy who bailed on the date and ghosted for a month. To me, it says he’s treating you as an option because something didn’t work elsewhere, and I don’t like that at all.
Hi there! That's good tp know :)
Yes... Also he never expected anything in return. And I could contact him whenever he would reply within seconds and if he did not I was 100 % sure he was very busy. And it was very very rare...
I miss him but I think after I told him Ibhave a crush it is a bit better (albeit hurtful and embarrassing). Can't quite explain why. Maybe because I got it out of my system and I know he wouldn't be judgmental.
It is a bit weird as we like travelling to similar places and there are a lot of posts coming up on socials which we both like.
I miss how open and honest he is. Other guys who try to sleeo with you play games and I think I will be taking one year off serious dating. I'm still chatting to guys online but..
One guy told me he thought about it and I'm not the person he wants to be in a relationship with (he never even invited me for a meal lol). Ot was hurtful.
But then he came back one month ago and said he really missed me. When I reminded him of what he said he would either hang up on me if we talked on the phone, would become frustrated if we were in person or once he said - it was just a silly thing I said. I can't go back in time-
Silly thing is the exact term he used lol
+ Adding to previous reply :
Me : well, first you said you haven't got the time for dating and then you disappeared for more than a month... Abd even before the date you never confirmed the time and place. Only said you haven't got time for dating on the
day we were supposed to meet.
No hard feelings from me. It is ok if you are not interested.
Him :well, your messages were very short and I thought that your account might be fake because your photos look so good.
Me :oh.. But we had a chat on the phone? Surely that should negate any suspicions about a fake account?
Him : was just trying to pay you a compliment...
Honestly. I was sending the normal amount of text messages. The same as him. Asked him questions etc... So it seems like this guy tried to gaslight me into thinking I did not communicate enough...
There is another guy I'm texting with but that is way too embarrassing lol we won't have a serious relationship and i don't want to sleep with him (i don't like casual sex). But he is very interesting. Just hope i won't get infatuated lol
The guy I've been talking about - he never did sh** like that. I always felt assured and I knew I can reach out whenever.
But I never aksed hin for help so don't know what he would do then...
I do miss him. The assurance, the fact that a man /guy/ male is here for you but also I really like his character..
At this point I decided I'll concentrate on myself. If I go on dates it is only to see what it is I want exactly.
Miss him terribly BUT won't text him haha
Hope your week is starting well!
Hey there! First and foremost I am glad you’re choosing to concentrate on yourself, I also hope you’re feeling proud that you haven’t reached out. It’s hard but if you notice it does get a bit easier each day. Soon missing the other guy will feel dull, like a residual hurt but nothing like it felt in the beginning stages. Time has no choice but to do it’s thing and move you along from that situation.
Anyway, I’m sure talking to these guys (especially the 2nd lol) is meant to be more of a distraction but please be careful with how you navigate these situations going forward. The 2nd guy sounds like someone you already know isn’t a great match, so what you don’t want is to wind up catching feelings because you’re investing your time into him even just with texting.
I’d also advise doing your best not to compare any men from present or future to your friend. It’s more subconscious done but can really make it hard to find another match because these men are being a held to an impossible standard, which is to be someone they’ll never be. This is just general advice, I know these two new guys aren’t good matches and definitely not advising you “look deeper” lol.
Hey there. Sorry for not replying sooner. Hope you're doing well?
I haven't reached out to him (not gonna say yet 😂hope I won't in future 🤣).
I just realised that ever since stopping talking to him I sooort of want to date but unlike before I'm really that excited about meeting someone. Just realised this recently.
I've been chatting to guys on the dating apps. Some lf them were nice but it never transferred into a real life date.
Usually I'd feeling hurt /vulnerable.
Now feel somewhat numb lol not in a very bad way though.
Today he uploaded a selfie (he very very rarely does). It was him in a restaurant eating. Funny because I know which city he must've been in and who took the selfie because he told me everything about this only female friend he's got (the eccentric female friend I've mentioned before. He said he's not attracted to her at all).
In the selfie she took he looked somewhat sad. The corners of his mouth were pointing down and he just seemed... I dont know. Not happy.
I felt a small stab when I saw the photo. Remembering the meal we've had. Those were cracking meals with us going to his place and just sipping tea, with no sexual intentions. I've never felt so safe being with a guy like I did the and he was very galant about everything.
Ah, I think I won't message him. I've got an honest personality and even thought about sending an "accidental" meme as in whoops ie that was meant for a friend lol but I don't usually do that if at all and wouldn't want to add fakeness...
Adding to previous reply:
You pointed out very well about not comparing other men to him. I'm reaaaaaally trying to lol 😂😂
But I realised that I'm doing it automatically.
Decided to go to speed dating with a friend lol just to get out there and see what happens haha
Also... - another toxic thought 😂
He said that he's got avoidant type. And I've seen him liking all the psychology videos on socials about avoidants (which were pretty good actually - non-judgemental and clear..).
And my effed up mind now think that ohhh maybe he was avoidant with meeee... 😂
Also... - another toxic thought 😂
He said that he's got avoidant type. And I've seen him liking all the psychology videos on socials about avoidants (which were pretty good actually - non-judgemental and clear..).
And my effed up mind now think that ohhh maybe he was avoidant with meeee... 😂
Also he now follows 2 accounts I've suggested him and likes almost every video. Those accounts are sort of wholesome people making videos of everyday life.
Sigh...
It is good but I'll miss his warmth.
However, what kills me in the end that he didn't care that much about not seeing /talking to me but I now worry because he looked sooo so unhappy in that selfie. And he's usually happy when he goes to see that friend.
I AM ITCHING to text him-hey, all good? You look a bit sad in the last photo. See you neeed meat, you can't go vegan it will make you sad
Lol
Aaaand my mind playing tricks thinking - oh, that's just his avoidant trait. In reality he really misses me.
But he probably doesn't...
And he's probably ok..
Sigh..
That's that from the delulu land 😂
Hope you and your dog is well 💛
Adding yet again to 2 previous comments - not sure if I should like his latest post... This sounds really petty but ge stopped liking mine after I asked for distance but now maybe he'll think I don't care anymore
Omg hey❤️! I was wondering what happened to you but this conversation was sooo far down and lost, I couldn’t check in😭 but I am glad to see you’re doing better and have been strong with not reaching out to him! I know it’s hard, trust me I get it. The longer you’re not speaking the more you may want to reach out, but Jay feeling is gonna go away too. I feel like these are the last stretches, the last of your subconscious really fighting for a reason to reach out, since now it’s starting to feel so finalizing. But please don’t erase the work you’ve done, or hit the restart button because you miss him. If there’s ever a motivation for refraining, take note in the fact that he isn’t reaching out either. You can’t even blame yourself or feel guilty for that because you were nothing but polite with your request and nothing is stopping him from checking on you at the very least. The fact that he’s fine not speaking says so much, and I don’t mean just sending you a meme or something that reminded him of you in the moment, but checking in on your wellbeing or even saying he misses your conversations.
When it comes to this picture he posted looking “sad”, please please please don’t do that to yourself lol because that man is not sad. If he hasn’t posted pics in a long time then he just may not feel his best taking them, so it would make sense to me that his effort to make a relaxed or straight face just looks sad lol
You’ve done so well with maintaining no contact, try not to mess up the work you’ve done now. I’m also glad to hear you’ve been trying to date! Even if nothing comes of it, the distractions are always helpful. I know you really miss your friend, but he has nothing new to offer you honey. It’s hurtful, but you know this. Going back now would just be settling for whatever part of him you can get, and you are not a desperate woman. You can do better than that!❤️
**that feeling, not Jay lol
Hey there!
Yes, I'm trying to rationalise it in my mind by thinking that him not reaching out means he is respecting my boundaries since hwen6I messaged him iI let him know I need space.
My GOD I still can't believe I told him I've a crush on him (or at least some feelings) lol.
And maybe by maintaining the distance he is trying to be mindfulness as not to reach out and make it worse for me. As we know how it is when we like people and they reach out. It can trigger certain unwanted emotions..
I don't know... At least that's what's in my head lol
.. But you're probably right... Maybe he is completely content with not reaching out.
There have been a couple videos that I wanted to send him pretty badly.
I don't miss him as much but just his presence /aura was nice.
I know it is better this way.. Sigh...
Hey... Think I'm close to going to his IG profile and liking that photo he posted a while ago 🙈
I knooow it is bad. And he will probably realise that I went back to his profile. And nothing will probably happen after. Just don't know what to do...
Would it be very bad if I sent him one reel?
Also I got braces pretty late. I already had them when we met and he sort of got "inspired" to get braces too. Last time we spoke he said he already had an appointment and a date set to put them on... I'm really itching to check in and ask if he has put them on
Hey there! First and foremost, sorry for having been MIA. I feel like my time here can be very on and off, I’ll be using it a lot and then check out for a while when the site starts getting weird lol but I’m glad I decided to pop in today. I’m also glad to see you have refrained from reaching out! I hope you’re at least somewhat proud of yourself.
I know the urgency or desire to reach out is strong, but ask yourself why. You miss him a lot but what do you miss? When you think about the state of affairs that caused you to step back in the first place, there would be no change to those things. In fact, I think that as you’re convincing yourself to reach out, you’re trying to rationalize those things, or make them not “that” big of a deal. I’m a general sense, maybe those things didn’t matter that much for the average person but they absolutely would matter once you’ve caught feelings for someone. Your desire to reach out isn’t purely driven by platonic feelings, but “missing” him to. To which I’d say there’s just really not much to miss. I’d also point out that he hasn’t bothered to reach out either (unless he has!) which to me says a lot. You never told him he couldn’t ever contact you again, and you also didn’t end things on a bad note. But even if you hadn’t said anything to him, he wasn’t reaching out on his own.
This is just me giving you some things to keep in perspective as you’re trying to move on from this person. You’re going to have hard moments, even harder when you feel more finalization to your interactions. But I do think this route is for the better, it hasn’t been very long and you’ve done all this work. Try not to set yourself back.
Hi, no no worries at all. Sorry for messaging repeatedly. Thought maybe some messages got lost in th rest of the comments but yeah definitely good not to spend the whole time on the Internet!
I know, you're right. I haven't reached out to him yet.
I asked him if we can stop communication. I think he took it as I don't want him to reach out at all. Maybe he is mot checking in because he hasn't got feelings for me and tries to respect my wishes.
Also, maybe be knows how hard it is having a crush on someone. And if he checked in maybe ne understands that it might not be pleasant for me to hear his stories about the girls he's dating in case that came up..
Don't know..
Just thinking maybe he understands how difficult it can be.
I really want to ask him if he got braces yet.
He said he already had a date set and it was in the beginning of spring.
Also he said that he didn't put them on earlier because there is a whole procedure that he needs to undergo. But now he got some confidence. Don't know, maybe after seeing me getting them.
And I'm itching to like his last photo.
You are right. It is so so hard.
I need to concentrate on stuff constantly.
It comes in waves. Like some weeks are ok but then like these days it's just... Horrible lol
You know how it is!
Thank you for the kind words 💛
No problem at all! Thanks for being patient with me and my response times lol. Well hey, at the end of the day if your curiosity gets the better of you, you wouldn’t be “wrong” for reaching out. I feel like I’ve always maintained that being his platonic friend isn’t the issue, but the romantic feelings you’ve developed are, and how they interfere with your ability to just be his friend.
You may be disappointed to reach out and ultimately wind up right back where you were before, with him not engaging much (if at all), mentioning other women he’s dating or asking you for advice about them, reopening the wound you’ve been doing this work to close.
You concern yourself a lot with how he’s interpreting this whole thing; you don’t want him to get the wrong idea, have his feelings hurt, etc etc but I honestly worry that you’re only projecting your own feelings onto a man who isn’t caring very much. Not saying he doesn’t care at all, I’m sure he does to an extent but just not on the level that you are. Even asking about his braces, I feel like that’s your olive branch to engage and start talking to him again. Which like I said, isn’t bad but just be sure you are aware of what you’re walking into.
Hey...
Thanks so much for your comment ❤️and sorry for thr delayed reply!
I know... I've been thinking for a while and in the end i liked his photo. He liked mine back (welcome back to middle school 🤣).
And after that nothing.
Then a couple days later I sent him a funny real. He reacted and texted asking how I'm doing /what's new.
We had a short conversation. He said that a lot of things changed, updated me on those and was curious what was happening with me.
One of the thing he said was - a lot of positive things happened but nothing is making me happy as talking to you 😊-
Then next day he asked for a call. I had to postpone..
I'm bad. I know lol. Maybe it's loneliness but I did miss him. He's just different lol
Not sure what will happen now. Like you said - curiosity took over. Will update if something happens next.
Or if I end up crying again haha just joking.
Trying to set a mental wall. He is far away now at least...
Trying to think of this only as a friendly connection.
It’s incredibly disappointing to hear that you caved. I’m really not trying to be mean but I don’t think from this point our conversations would have much use anymore. I can’t laugh this one off because I really can’t believe you did months of work only for it to amount to this. I do hope that you don’t wind up back at square one, and of course I am wishing you the absolute best. You are a kind woman and you deserve a lot more than what you’ve settled on, loneliness or not.
sorry didn't mean for it to look like your messages weren't helpful because they really were..
I know, I'm a bit angry at myself for caving in. Was thinking of seeing what is happening in his life and seizing contact again.
He said he wants to talk om the phone so maybe he missed me. But trying not to think too much about that.
Your messages were very helpful and insightful. Sorry it seems like they fell into a pit of me caving in...
I have to apologize if my message seemed angry or anything like that. I often forget that how I feel like I’m saying something can translate differently through text lol. I want to be super clear with this because I don’t want you to feel bad whatsoever— I’m not mad, and I’m not judging whatsoever. I’ve been through your motions before, and I get what you’re going through.
I guess I just feel so disappointed because had you not initiated twice, I’m not sure when he would’ve done so once. I hate that you put yourself in a position to be hurt by this man again, because even with his verbiage he’s just careless. To say that a lot of positive things happened but nothing is making him happy as talking to you is such a slap in the face, because he was never prevented from trying to talk to you.
If your conversations are genuinely such a highlight, I’d imagine he’d try to reach out at some point, and he didn’t.
I do think that at some point, you can be his friend, but I still think it’s too soon because you missing him isn’t fully platonic. I just feel as though enough time passed to where you feel better about the situation, but not enough to step into a friendship role of advising him about other women, or watching him in a relationship. Of course if I’m wrong, you’re more than welcome to correct me.
Hi, no that's ok. Also through text it is difficult to understand the nuances haha
I was wondering if he hadn't reached out because he was scared or because he thought I didn't want him too. Also was wondering if that was his way of respecting thr fact that it would be difficult for me.
I should've mentioned that I had another thing that happened with another guy. Basically there was guy X. I started dating him before posting this question so even before meeting the guy we have been talking about all this time.
Long story short : on the second date guy X split the bill for 2 appetisers and tea, never invited me for a real date.
A month after I met THE guy (we were talking about) and he was very nice, arranged dla dinner etc.
BUT I still have the guy X a chance. We had a small argument, then he disappeared and reappeared after a month but then I left the city to take care of my family in November. Before I left we added each other of Facebook.
He texted me on every holiday and asked how my mum was. He asked if I needed help with anything (was being serious). Said he could drive if needed...
Come last month I came back to the city and realise that guy X actually blocked me on Facebook while continuing sending me messages on WhatsApp...
I know I sound completely daft but he did seem so genuine when I met him last time in November.
Adding to previous comment: It hurt as I haven't really connected with anyone and since THE guy (let's call the guy I've been talking about all this time Cavill). Since Cavill has always been consistent I sort of lean towards contacting him (well, i liked his pic and sent a reel).
I know how embarrassing it is and you're absolutely right. I was hoping to set an emotional wall this time. Not sure where it will lead. Sorry this is so frustrating... I'm frustrated at myself too.
When Cavill said if I wanted to talk om the phone I thought that hey, maybe he did miss me? Maybe he didn't reach out because he wanted to respect the space. Not because he didn't care?
But I don't know...
Hi, Er...
So um the guy we've been talking about all these months expressed interest in meeting soon.
I'll be in his home country next month.
I know, I'm a useless case here. Not sure what it is.
Currently watching various videos on how to break psychological pattern
Hey girly! So so Sorry for being mia life is a bit hectic right now lol goodness, I was reading over what you said, and rather than address it like point off point, I think we should circle back to the beginning and touch on what my advice really is at the root of it all, because I don’t want you to lose sight of it.
Nothing is wrong with being his friend, nothing is wrong with talking to him and keeping in touch, nothing is wrong with visiting him while you’re in his country. However, I only think you should do those things if you are content being purely platonic because that is all he has offered, and given his lifestyle choices and comments to you, there won’t be anything more on the table. I truly do not think you’re fundamentally happy only dealing with him as a friend, we can call it what we want, but despite it all you still have some hope which is why this is all a bad idea right now, talking, visiting, anything.
I genuinely mean no offense, but I think enough time only passed for you to miss him like crazy and be sick of him not contacted you. Enough time has also passed that you can comfortably justify not hearing from him, blame it on mixed messages (aka him thinking he can’t talk to you because you asked for space, he was nervous or anything of that nature), and ultimately caved and engaged with him. Now this isn’t me guilting you for that, you’re human and if you haven’t had other friends or people close to you aside from me encouraging and helping you stay away, then you kinda fell into this. That’s why I want to remind you what the purpose is, so that even if you have to decide for yourself, you don’t get caught up in your romantic feelings and stick to the logical ones.
**point for point
Hi, thanks so much and no worries at all! Its summer now so we should be out and about lol Hope all is well with you!
Yes, I hear you... And agree with you 100%. My friend thought it is good to keep in touch with him but like you said it might be bad because of feelings involved from my side.
I had a think about it... Or more like I was over thinking lately 😂and it seems to me (although I might be wrong) that I have validated him 100% and perhaps that's why he lost interest. I don't know.
Last time we met was in December. He messaged me a day after saying "thank you for accepting me and trusting me".
It seems like I validated every part of him - told him he's smart, ambitious, has nice eyes etc.
I read that sometimes when this happens men will stop losing interest...
It is hard to say. We barely speak now, he's super busy. I'm swamped too.
I decided to stop sending text messages that would validate him so much (heck, even after the first time we met I sent him a text saying that I like him).
And tried to semd the same stuff I would to my female friend... So example there was one video of an actor speaking in a very deep voice and an actress (Kaya Scodellario) was swooning over him.
I sent him this saying that his voice is irresistible (in a joking manner).
Also I joked once and said that I "had crushes on men that looked like monkeys (in our native language it sounds a bit more delicate lol).
He laughed but sort of stopped sending me reels/videos after that comment so not sure if that ticked him off...
Part 2...
Another thing is that ever since we met he would talk about female psychology and attraction a lot. I realised that he spends a lot of time analysing the psychology of relationships etc.
I mean, I don't know... It depends if we see each other next weekend or not.
Thing is that he said he's not interested in me but since the beginning (before we even met) he sent numerous texts asking to meet.
I can't help but wonder... If I treated him like a guy Ibhad 0 interest in - would he have liked me then?
I think the infatuation has claimed down now
But I can't even explain our dynamic at the moment.
He doesn't even call me a friend so that signals to me that he doesn't want to out me in that category. Question is - why?
You are right. I should've never reached out because the amount of overthinking is not ridiculous...
Heyy...
Sorry for double (triple 😂) texting.
Just an update :
A month or so ago he texted saying that maybe we can meet in city A sometimes, in his home country (I travel there often for other reasons).
I'm here now and he never arranged to meet so in the end of the day we are not meeting.
A bit bummed but trying not to think about this too much lol
A month or so ago he asked that maybe we can meet. I proposed meeting this Friday. He lives about 2h train ride from here.
I think I'm trying to confirm my belief that sooneror later a guy/male will flake on me. It is like inner me is - ah, I knew that he will disappear. -
Sort of coming from my abandonment issues with my dad I guess but sort of sucks.
I watched a video where we try to model situations according to our inner beliefs and I just confirmed a belief that he would sooner or later disappear (he sort of started replying in weird, short sentences to any videos I sent. I've got a sense that he wanted me to stop contacting him).
In any case... Moving on 😂
Just feel a bit frazzled at the moment lol
Honestly, abandonment issues with your dad can definitely be a deep-rooted explanation for why you are how you are with this guy. I also struggled with that and it contributed to how I dealt with men more than I realized.
I’m not sure what ultimately happened with the guy, I wish I’d seen this sooner lol in any case if you didn’t see him, I just feel like maybe it’s still for the better. You may be reluctant to let on how disappointed you were/are if it didn’t happen, but I don’t think you’d feel so much of that way if he were truly only a friend in your eyes. You over-analyze his actions, this situation and your feelings for him more than you ever would for a purely platonic relationship.
All this to say, how far back are you willing to set yourself in order to maintain this connection? I feel like you did months of work, only to wind up back here, where you’re eager to converse and readily available to see him when he offers, potentially risking this massive blow of disappointment when he doesn’t follow through.
Sad part is he wouldn’t even consider the damage he’s doing as much as he could, because he’s looking at this as harmless friendship. To me, despite the positive moments, that’s still too toxic and emotionally destructive of a dynamic.
I feel like you’re taking these things easier now, but I hate that it has to become this, where it’s getting easier but only because the disappointment has happened enough to where you’ve become used to it.
Even as a friend, that’s unfair and there are limits when it comes to respect. Not only just respect for the person but their time as well. To be fair, he did say “maybe” we can meet in the city sometimes, but even that sounds like some sort of consolation prize that he has no real intent of prioritizing or following through on. Then if he did, I feel like he knows the repercussions. He has to know you like him and taking you out, paying for your things would amplify that crush. Yet he’s still willing.
This has always been his hand — inconsiderate of the damage he’s doing so long as he gets that attention, gratification, female company, whatever he needs for that night or in that moment. He’s an opportunist in my eyes, with little regard for at what expense he gets those opportunities.
Hi, thank you for the reply 💛
Yes, it is probably for the best. I feel pretty stupid though as I was really hoping we'd meet.
But in the past couple weeks every video I've sent to him he would just reply - I don't get it-
Which is fine...
But it is just very evident he's bored of me /doing something else while I was too overexcited about meeting.
He was like a safe space. I knew he would never touch me (instinct and just the way he spoke/ things he said).
Think I had a crush on him partly and partly it was having this male presence that is harmless. Even without the sexual tension, just having a guy who is a secure male figure did something to my brain. Even without a romantic relationship.
Not sure how to describe it exactly...
Feel so stupid for having had hoped to meet him. Felt like an idiot. Now just trying to live my life the best I can..
Last time I met him in December he said he thought I was disappointed that nothing happened when we were ij his apartment. Everytime I remember this it makes me cringe at myself. How embarrassing is that?
I knew he wasn't interested though but there is no way to prove it. He just seen a girl who had a crush.
He said he had a great time that evening though and talking to me was calming hik down..
In reality I will really really miss his presence, be it romantic or not. For some reason it had a calming effect.
But like you said - he must know...
He really must...
And at the moment I'm so disappointed with myself on how I handled this.
Despite talking to you and you giving great advice. Despite being embarrassed many times, I mean Jeez...
Sorry you had to go through similar thing with your dad. It is not the best but good you're in a much better place now 💛and with your dog!
Love, the embarrassed girl
Hi! No problem at all, I just appreciate your patience with this because sometimes it takes me a bit to get in here lol💛 in any case, I’m really sorry this happened. Despite everything he’s done or said, I know how you’re feeling and this sucks a lot.
If you are really comfortable being friends, then going forward, maybe you shouldn’t make too much of this suggestion he’s made to meet in person when you’re in town. I’m not saying you should never make a plan to meet up, but i also feel like if you aren’t looking forward to seeing him or have those expectations, then this can be avoidable. You’re a good person and really don’t deserve to be stood up or disappointed by this person anymore.
He won’t be the only guy to give you that calming effect, or to make you feel how you did. I just think it’s a matter of patience and timing. Like despite going on dates and trying to put yourself out there, it just may not be the time yet. I do believe that when the right guy comes along, it won’t be this hard, or hurtful.
Hi, thanks so much! Not at all.
You must be busy as it is an I'm here repeating the same mistakes again months after 😂apologies for that.
I've read your comment again. Yeah, that's what I try to tell myself, there will be someone.
And I will try to not concentrate on meeting him as much...
Think I'm slowly succeeding but it might be the father wound. My father left, seen him once as a child. Later he reached out later on in life and he said a lot of nasty things unprompted (example: I told him I into university to study science, he replied staying that I'm an idiot).
Another time he called when I was 27 but then said that one day ill realise how stupid I am amd disappeared.
He's got a golden daughter he loves to bits who is much younger who does extracurriculars, has good grades etc.
The only times I talked to him he talked about her.
Later on I realised that the reason he reached out to me is because he wanted for his daughter to study in UK. And I immigrated to UK...
I was fine before and don't need his approval but in my head there is one category of girls :his daughter, girls who are loved and cherished and then there is me : girls who are unlovable.
The fact that this man took me out, never talked down on me, was always patient with me and NEVER wanted anything sexual (even when we were inbhis flat. To be honest I absolutely knew he wouldn't do anything). It heals something inside.
The fact there is male presence that gives (attention and approval)
Without expecting anything sexual is unthinkable and yet it happened.
Second part of the comment 🤣:
And yep... It is toxic... I realise that I'm constantly seeking his approval (through looks, lifestyle etc... Our lifestyle, music taste etc is pretty similar) I realised I'm seeking for approval all the time...
Don't know if you heard of Margarita Nazarenko? This video was really useful. I hope it won't open up any old wounds for you. There are bits about empowerment, was hoping it will cement your peace that you've found within your relationship:
https://youtu.be/CPZnScHa1d0?si=lDmy3UZgVeVJ3pmr
You were right since the beginning.
Thank you so much for your comments. I sometimes read them twice. There will be a guy...
I'm glad you've got a guy now! And your dog 💛hope you are having a good weekend and the weather is good..
It is very kind of you to come back and reply to every comment.
Thanks so much 💛
Oh there’s no need to thank me at all! I sometimes come and go here in cycles depending on what’s going on lol but I’m always glad you’re still here☺️ and thank you for your comment about my dog! It’s allergy season and he’s going through it lol.
Honestly, the father wound can be more destructive than you think. As you already know, my dad was essentially absent in my life from child and always has been. He never followed through with his promises or plans, and ironically gave his youngest daughter (there are 3 of us on his side with me being in the middle) the golden lifestyle. She grew up with him very active in her life and is a total daddies girl.
More recently I’ve been really trying not to let his absence bother me but it’s like as I get older, look back at all my decisions and wonder how different situations could’ve played out if I had the male figure in my life. For me to have had him there for advice when I was having my first dating experiences, to coach me about men, meet them and judge them for me, to protect me, I’d feel so jealous when I see girls who got to have that.
2) don’t get my wrong, my mom was a strong figure in my life and guided me when other girls either didn’t have their moms or didn’t wanna talk to them about dating and personal issues. I talked to mine about everything and I think girls fare a lot better with single female moms than a boy with a single mom, like there’s things she can’t teach him. Same goes for us, there are things dads can say, see or do that a mom can’t, and I wonder often what my life would’ve been like if I had that sort of influence. Would I have been firmer with men? Less passive when I’m disappointed or hurt? Less accommodating to bullshit? I don’t know.
When I got older, I realized my sisters mom pushing for a connection between my dad and her was what mainly made him so present. She never let up and forced his activity to an extent, whether it was dropping my sister off at his house so that he HAD to watch her until he started doing it himself, same went for outings and events. There was a constant fire under his ass that my mom didn’t put when it came to me. She wanted him to be active out of desire and not force.
Maturing was realizing that all he had to do was try. He was never blocked from access to me or anything, he just didn’t give me effort and there was no good reason for it.
When I look back on how I was dealing with men, it was riddled with disappointment and hurt that I could’ve totally avoided if I hadn’t always coexisted with them not trying. I was used to it and made peace with it because I truly thought that was what men did. Feeding me promises, falling through with plans or suggestions, disappointing me, I thought it all came with the territory because I didn’t know any better.
3) After I met that guy I mentioned who really changed my perspective (just has this guy has done for you), I wanted that to work so much. Ultimately it didn’t, but despite my hurt coming to terms with how we’d never be together, I had to thank him. No matter what his intentions were, he still showed me another side to men that I didn’t know existed and it really did make me raise my standards. All you need is to experience the impossible one time just to know it IS possible.
After that guy, I never settled for less again. I started building myself back up, learning about who I was as a woman and advocating for myself just as men never hesitate to do for themselves. I was firm as fuck with my boundaries, the main one being consistency, second being effort. I know I would neverrrr ask a man to do anything I wouldn’t do, so that alone says my expectations are fair, and so are yours.
We can’t always help who we fall for. You fell for that guy because he was giving you an experience you’d never gotten before and it was refreshing. But now that you know better, both about yourself and him, it’s time to do better.
Like I said, it’s not as if you can never speak with him again. I just think it’s better to try that in the future when you don’t have romantic feelings for him. I think it would help you deal with this much easier.
That emoji face was meant to be a 3 lol
Hey!
Part 1.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Sorry I'm so late, have had some health stuff going on - solved now, phew! 😅
So sorry you had to watch your father treat one of his daughters better. Even though her mother was pushing this onto him I guess the child version of yourself did not see this at the time? Must've been difficult to look at this situation from afar.
It is blizzare how similar mu story is. My father too has 2 daughters (one biological and one is from his wife's previous marriage). He loves both, especially his biological one.
Like you've said - he always had a chances to reach out but didn't.
So so sorry you had to go through and well done on setting the boundaries! It is only fair to ask for what you can give.
With this guy... It really bugs me that he never even called us "friends" but he kept using words lime comrades etc. I think he was trying to set a boundary because at some point it feels like he is feeding his ego but if I stop doing that be will just cut me off... Hence not calling me a friend? I don't know...
Part 2: I've remembered another thing. After we met for the first time and I was leaving I had to cross the traffic lights so I pressed the button. Turns out they were automated so you didn't have to press it. He said - you don't press buttons for the traffic lights. They contain a lot of germs -
This immediately made me feel self conscious. In a city we met there are a lot of traffic lights where you do need to press the button (I passed at least 2 when I was going to the place we were meeting each other).
But still I thought - oh my god, I'm so daft -
Now it just popped in in my head, his exact words and expression.
I really wonder if he is just enjoying the attention and validation... We are all humans I guess.
The reason I liked him was (not gonna lie) he treated me with stuff without expecting anything. But also I thought he had warm character and he mentioned his family a couple times in his conversations.
Once how he had to protect them and once how he bought his sister and mum concert tickets.
And how he is very self reliant and just got that charisma...
Sorry for the rant. Hope your summer id going well.
We text with him very occasionally but only short texts...
Bery confused as to why he even bothers answering sometimes...
Oh goodness, sorry to hear about your health but I’m also glad you got it solved though! Lol. Hey, Don’t feel sorry for ranting, honestly you’re probably still processing things as more comes to light.
I don't know if I realized that this guy never called you his friend, but a comrade? That’s just such an unnecessary level of formalization on his end, and also lessens your friendship to just that of someone he used to work with, like colleague.
Taking this into consideration, I’m far from judging the fact that you try to maintain this relationship, but I also wonder “why” you do if he doesn’t even see you as a proper friend.
It’s been a little over a year now since you first met I believe, but I think the time between then and that first date holds much more value/weight than post-date. All of your positive reference points with him come from that juncture of time compared to all these months since. My point being that there hasn’t been any very good reason to stick around, not even just lately but for a long time now, so why do it?
I guess my point here is that if you’re going to put yourself through this, it should have purpose or value. Right now, it’s like you’re mainly hanging on to fond memories and the potential you’ve created from those memories. There were things that stood out about him which made you like him so much, which is fair. But if we use the most important time (present day, even the past month or so), he’s hurtfully disappointed to by not even trying to hang out when you visited, and doesn’t try much outside of sending songs, memes or whatever catches either of your attention.
To me, this connection doesn’t have much substance or value worth fighting for. His most redeeming moments happened ages ago and you probably wouldn’t even bother with him if it weren’t for that. If we looked for logic and reason as of today, there just isn’t anything good.
Hi, so sorry for the delayed reply.
Finally got a chance to sit down and chill lol
Hope you are well and having having a great Friday!
Yep, as usual you are right. Him calling me comrade was weird. Although he acted chuffed every time we met. He said he's got only one females friend but he's not attracted to her but he is to me because she is an "eccentric" person. This sort of made me feel bad as if my personality is not good enough. And honestly I know I need to do some work, find my passions again. It is ok just makes me feel like I'm not good /interesting and worthy enough to be called a friend by him.
God knows why I gave this man so much space in my head. He was the male figure who didn't want sex from me and treated me nicely.
Part of me regrets giving him a chance of taking me to restaurants /bars because I lost some control there (him paying). Another part of me really enjoyed it.
Whenever we exchange short conversations he's always doing something inspiring. We've also got each other's music playlists and his is quite nice.
I think it was (still is a bit) limerence. At some point he might've gotten annoyed because he noticed that I like the "idea" of him. Maybe that's why he suspected I liked him.
I do wish he texted again and do regret giving him all this power.
He's a good person though so there's no bitterness there, just wish I hadn't given that person so much space in my mind.
Like you said, it's been a year!
But he hasn't contacted me in weeks so I'm guessing it is over now lol
Hey, sorry adding part 2 lol
He just sent a message... I opened it and there was a meme of a falling cat. He wrote - never give up!-
I just replied with a scared face. Didn't know how to react. I guess that for this man I'm just a pixel on a phone 😂
Usually no they want to smash …being friends has nothing to do with it
He mentioned us being pen pals.
A
Also he made no sexual advances whatsoever. Only mentioned us being friends a couple times so I'm confused...
I wouldn't take a freind to a fancy restaurant and pay
If you earned more than them?
I'm really confused because I already met this guy twice. After second time i told him i like him and he replied saying hw hoped we can stay friends.
I wouldn't because I know most women would overthink it and get the wrong idea. I wouldn't want to accidentally lead someone on.
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