I want to know how you interpret this situation, since I do overthink?

[Anonymous]

I do overthink a lot, but my instinct can be accurate sometimes, so please let me know what you think. Thank you.

I've noticed strange behaviors of the guy that I'm dating - supposedly - exclusively, based on what he said.

We were going to cook something at my place. He asked me if I wanted to meet on a Saturday evening. I said I was thinking lunch and asked if that wouldn't work for him. He said whatever worked for me with "😘" Emoji. I asked if we could do lunch then and he agreed.

We had lunch, also had sex once before and once after lunch. (No, I didn't just meet him. I'd been going on dates with him). After the second time he went to shower and put all his clothes on. I asked if he wasn't going to have dessert. He said yes, just wanted to get ready, since he had to leave by certain time so he could be "home" by certain time to work on something he needed to submit Monday (he did tell me what that something was.)

He said that's why at first he thought he could work on that earlier that day and meet me in the evening, but we met for lunch.

When we were having dessert, I saw him checking map to a place. I casually asked what he was checking (wasn't trying to keep tabs on him, we both are foodies). He said it's a place that was recommended to him as a good place, he wanted to see if he could stop by on his way home to pick up food. I notice he was checking the distance and driving time. I said I knew that town, not far.

After he left, I was checking out that place he said was good, noticed that the place had 3 point something stars of reviews. I realized that all his behaviors were indicating that he was going on a date with another woman: he showered, had a time in mind when he had to reach a place ("home"), was checking the drive to a place. After that his texts had been just words and no Emoji. His baseline was a lot of kissing and heart eyes Emojis.

I think he swapped his dates, went on a date and has been seeing somebody else. Am I overthinking?

Updates

1 mo

I could ask him if he's seeing somebody else, which I did before and that was when I think he made it seemed like no, (without a direct "no" though), but I wouldn't ask over text, and he can still lie even if he really was seeing somebody else.

Updates

1 mo

I asked him on a previous date, where we stood, he said "we're dating." I asked if he was seeing other people, he said that he doesn't do "non monogamous like some people." He said I could check his phone and he didn't even have the dating app (we met on CMB). I could still see his profile so I know his account wasn't deleted. I don't know if he had been active (as I'm not a paying Premium user) & try not to find out because I don't want to be a detective woman.

[Anonymous]

You’re either afraid of him leaving you or scared to mess up the dynamic, because why so much uncertainty? I won’t lie to you, I personally agree that this does sound a bit suspicious based off the fact you never got clear confirmation about him seeing other women. The thing is, how would you address this if you don’t even know your place in his life? “Supposedly exclusive”, what’s that mean? You just go along with the assumption that you’re in a relationship based on the dates, sex and hanging out, without full confirmation from him? Same for asking him about other women, it “seems” like no, without full disclosure. I just think you need to have a serious conversation with him about what exactly this is, if he is seeing other women for sure or not, and if he’s ready or willing to cut off those women to be with you. It’s more than about the relationship status, but your sexual health as well.

[Asker]

I'm going to clarify - "supposedly" was my own word. He didn't say that. I asked him if he was seeing other women because I would not have sex with him if he was, and he said he doesn't do non monogamous like some people. I asked him where we stood, and he said "we're dating."

I know that we're not in a relationship, as we've known each other for 2 months only, but if he said that we were monogamous, which is equivalent to exclusive, in my definition (is it not?) Then I expect him to be big man and own his words.

I'm not "afraid" of him leaving me. I'd be okay if he was to leave, but the reason should not be another woman, because that'd prove that he has been lying to me.

In terms of sexual health, I don't just sleep around. I have my standards. I don't sleep with a guy unless we're exclusive, and I saw his STD tests, showed him mine.

[Opinion Owner]

I say this with nothing but respect but I am genuinely so surprised to be in this same age range, and for you to say something so naive. You’ve known this man 2 months, 8 weeks, how can you put so much trust into someone who hasn’t had nearly enough time to earn it? This is an unfortunate truth but you already know - men lie every day to get what they want. That’s why you have to be smart with your decision making because you can’t always count on them to act in any other interest but their own.

Monogamy by definition means having a sexual relationship with one person at a time, or married to one person. Not that you are exclusive. With that in mind, he may at the very least still be exploring his options with other women, and all you can do is hope he is being honest. I feel like that really sucks.

[Asker]

And what is your definition of exclusive? If he said we're monogamous (using double negatives to express that) how is that not the same as exclusive?

If he is actually, and has been monogamous with me, as he said, that's what I want. People can have exclusive friends with benefits, I can't be monogamous with a guy I'm dating?

There are women out there who sleep with guys for one night stand, first or second dates, I don't understand how I'm being shamed by someone who doesn't know me and my standards 🤷🏻‍♀️ We're both looking for a long-term relationship, not casual or short-term.

And no I don't trust him, that's why I suspected that he was seeing another woman.

[Asker]

And I agree that guys lie to get what they want, so what's your great idea in the world of dating?

Do you think a guy would go on dates with you for half a year and not touch you, or for as long as he needs to define a relationship?

Even if you were in a relationship, would you know for sure that your boyfriend would not lie? So don't have sex at all?

I at least have standards. I told him earlier on our dates that I would not sleep with him and he understood and respected that, so it's not like I'm just hooking up with guys.

[Asker]

I also have spent 5-6 hours on each date, for multiple dates with this guy. I don't think he would spend that much time having conversations if he just wanted to sleep with me.

I asked for opinions regarding this guy's behaviors.

[Asker]

I asked for opinions on this guy's behaviors on that specific day.

[Opinion Owner]

Okay, where exactly am I shaming you? Judging you? Anything of that nature? I understand you don’t know me and that is why I specifically stated that “I say this with nothing but respect”, because you are taking so much offensive. Relax.

To answer your questions. My idea of monogamy is if he is only having sex with you, which is totally fine if that’s what you want, but it isn’t. You want a relationship, and under the assumption that he eventually wants one as well since he said as much. I just think he may be leaving his options open for the time, which is fine as well since it’s only been 8 weeks.

Secondly, I never said you shouldn’t have sex, or trying to make you feel bad for doing it. It’s your body. I said PERSONALLY I would not have had sex this soon. If that’s what you want, cool!

I am currently in a relationship, we made it official 3 months in and we didn’t have sex until the title came. Could we fool around and do other prior? Yep. But we were going on dates and connecting on a different level.

[Asker]

I was planning to not have sex until I'm in a relationship with a guy, which was what I told him, but I truly do not believe that it's realistic for people to go on multiple dates and not make out or have sex several dates in. I was shamed for not kissing a guy's lips on first date!

I cannot believe that there are people who go on dates at a frequency of weekly for months without having sex. Then what did you do on those dates? I don't believe that this guy did not touch you at all. I do not believe that even happen nowadays. I doubt that you spent 5-6 hours per date and have so many things to talk about for 3 months.

I was connecting with this guy too, but we're humans and we're sexual beings, as long as I'm not sleeping around and don't have sex with a guy early. I'm okay with monogamous dating as transition into a relationship.

[Asker]

And what do you think of his behaviors? Since that was my question and reason why I posted this question.

Am I overthinking, as some GaGers on here said or implied, or did he seem suspicious?

[Asker]

I thought this guy isn't someone who's just going to sleep with women and leave, since he told me the last time he had sex, with the month and year. It didn't seem like he just made it up. He said he broke up that time and was the last time he had sex.

I asked him what was the reason he didn't find a partner last year since a lot of people would have casual sex or short-term relationships while they're single. He said he didn't want to hurt girls. I don't know if he was just lying to make it sound like he's a good guy or not, because I am in fact hurt by the behaviors I observed.

[Opinion Owner]

I think you may be reading my comments too quickly, hun. I wrote “could we fool around and do other things (I did forget to write that word. Typo.)? Yep.”. This mean yes, of course we kissed, made out, that type of stuff, but just not sex.

The reason I refrained from having sex was due to my friend who’s a dating coach. She said you can usually tell a man’s true intentions in the first 2 months, and I was so tired of dealing with the wrong men, I felt like the right one would wait, and he did. Our dates were mainly dinners or drinks at the bar. Nothing crazy.

I understand if you don’t believe it, I didn’t either because I hadn’t experienced a genuinely good man before. If you’re fine with your choices then you shouldn’t be upset with me for my stance, or try calling me a liar simply because you’ve never been with a good man. I’m not even faulting you for that, as I can relate.

As for his behavior, as I said before, you aren’t wrong for thinking it’s suspicious.

[Asker]

I didn't call you liar. I know that came out from yourself. I said I do not believe in these days they are guys who would go on dates for months and not have initiate to have sex with women.

I believe in waiting until being in a relationship, but I think that's utopia. I've not seen guys wait that long. I was even criticized for not kissing a guy on first date.

I don't sleep with just any guy. I consider different aspects such as his interactions with me, if he showed respect, etc. I've been going on dates since last year but I've only connected with this guy.

[Asker]

Did your boyfriend never display sexual interest at all? And if he did, what did you say and do to keep him waiting while being happy and not grumpy from waiting?

[Opinion Owner]

I believe you, and hopefully nothing I said came off as me implying that you sleep with multiple men. I didn’t get that from your situation at all, I’ve really just been speaking on how I chose to date eventually.

When you ask if my boyfriend displayed sexual interest, or how I kept him happy and not grumpy, just think about that line of questioning. It’s very him, him, him. I wasn’t thinking like that when we met. Why? Because I’m the prize, too. I’m worth a man being afraid to lose me as well. If you come across a man who’s trying to sext fairly quick into knowing you or asking for sexy pics, takes you on a date or two (if that) and then trying to hook up, then it says a lot about their intentions. To this day I’ve never sent my boyfriend that sort of pic, he’s never asked. It’s been two years and we’re actually very happy. I don't know if it has to do with spirituality or what, but I think it’s about priorities. Sex wasn’t one in the beginning, we connected on so many other levels and he respected my boundaries. Even when I thought there were no men like that who existed. That means there’s hope for you to find that one as well.

[Opinion Owner]

When you remove the fear out of your decision making when it comes to men, then you can be as lethal as them. They will respect your boundaries or they will get lost. You will survive in either case.

[Asker]

My question regarding displaying sexual interest was not about sexting or asking for pictures. I meant did he not initiate or ask for physical contacts, such as making out, and did the making out ever only stayed at making out, meaning he never put his hands on or below your waist, or asked if he could do so?

What I'm trying to find out is if there are guys who are going to stay within certain levels of intimacy and never passed nor expressed interest or desire in taking it further, whether at the moment or eventually.

[Asker]

This guy and I have spent a lot of time getting to know each other as well. We were not thinking about sex, and not early on. Within 2 weeks, we had spent 10 hours having conversations in person and long text conversations daily.

[Asker]

I didn't have a free dating coach and can't afford one. I didn't know the tricks and tips on dating. I've made mistakes, and I'm learning from them.

At first I held my standard of no sex until a relationship has been defined, but
I thought the keyword "monogamous" and not having sex until a few months into dating were enough to filter out guys who were players. I compromised my standard.

[Asker]

One important factor I'd say was because I didn't know that people can be in the making out phase for months without progressing to next step, also didn't know that guys would be willing to make out with blue balls for months and still stay waiting. (This guy ejaculated just from us making out fully clothed. I didn't know guys would be willing to do that for months and continue to see a woman until a relationship is established.)

[Asker]

I noticed this guy seemed more focused on me when we were in the making out phase. I didn't know that some guys, regardless of whether a woman has sex with him on first date or a few months into dating, the end result is still the same - once they get what they want, they become cold.

I feel that if a woman won't even make out with a guy for months, then even the right guy may leave, since that would entail how the long-term relationship might be like (but not always)

[Asker]

But knowing that people can make out for months during dating phase, I can then feasibly hold my standards because the right guy will wait & stay and I don't have to worry about being played, lied to, etc.

I gained helpful insight on dating and feel empowered. I thank you for that.

[Asker]

And not every guy is willing to have that "conversation" about where we stand - as easy as I see people on here suggested - but I should've seen that as a red flag.

[Opinion Owner]

No problem! If you have any other questions I am happy to answer.

I agree, not every guy is willing to have that conversation, but I feel like those are the men you should avoid. Mainly because to me, it’s a sign that they aren’t looking to commit. Someone who really is interested won’t run for the hills when you basically ask what comes next, if they aren’t asking first. Especially if the timing of that question is fair, like you’ve been going on dates, hanging out, it’s been a couple months, having that conversation is fair at best.

Also yes, I’m glad I could give insight on the whole making out thing. Do what makes you the most comfortable, just be smart about it. When you said you notice this guy seemed more focused in the making out phase, that is one of the many reasons I chose celibacy for the first 2 months. Not because of the making out, but the effort. When men are trying a lot harder in the beginning, it pushes me to wait and see how authentic and consistent they really are. Once they see the making out isn’t leading to the bedroom, they’ll either leave or be ok with it. If they leave, it is not a loss, because at no point do I say we’ll never have sex. I am just straight up honest and say ‘I’m not having sex until I’m in a relationship’.

My friend who’s a dating coach told me a long time ago that she would tell men “I am looking for a husband”. At first I was like damn that’s so blunt! I could never say that? You know what she said? “Why the hell not? It’s not asking him to meet you at the alter, just that he isn’t going to waste my fucking time”. Changed my views. I listened to her, and I’m not engaged.

[Opinion Owner]

***now engaged lol.

[Asker]

I didn't see that you answered my previous question (s). Did your fiance not show or express any sexual interest during making out phase? For example, a guy might naturally put his hand on a woman's hips, not intentionally being disrespectful or trying to make advances, but just something natural. If he did, how did you have a way to postpone that but still keep him in the meanwhile?

[Asker]

That was what I told this guy too, that I wouldn't sleep with a guy until I was in a relationship with him. He said he wasn't asking me to sleep with him (but also because we were making out in a car? Not that it would've made a difference for having sex anyway, since with my ex and when he said he wanted me to be his, we did it in the car.)

I just didn't know people can make out for months. I thought it's only a few dates of making out then it would have to progress. When a guy friend of mine told me when he had sex with the girl he's dating, I was shocked, especially given how many partners he has said and how he makes dirty jokes so much. I didn't know people can make out for that long. I would've done that longer. I probably would've still had this guy's undivided attention. He even told me that I looked beautiful everytime we met.

[Asker]

Wow congratulations on your engagement! I thought you just got into the relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh thank you so much! I appreciate it☺️🤍 we have been together just over 3 years.

Yes definitely! I believe the right man will wait. I did not believe for a long, long time, and I also thought a prolonged “make out phase” was unrealistic. But the way that I see it, I can personally wait, so why can’t he? A woman can have just as high of a sex drive and want to hook up sooner rather than later also, but can still decide to hold off. So I think if I can do it, so can he.

Sorry I didn’t properly address the question about him showing sexual interest, and how he did it. So for at least the first month we didn’t see each other often, only like 3 times. I was in school and work, he worked a lot, and so we only saw each other once a week, that mean 4 times basically. Our first two dates were more on the casual side. We went to an aquarium first date, dinner and movie the second, it was also our first real kiss. At that point I’d known him a total of 3 weeks including the week we met.

In the 2nd month was a bit different. He would place his hand on my hip when we stood in line, or around my shoulders. Hold hands, simple stuff. We saw each other more often, and didn’t make out until halfway through the month, also the first time I’d been to his place. He was touchy of course, and I did not mind. But once it got heavier and I felt that he wanted to do it, I was very polite with establishing my boundary about waiting. I half expected him to be angry or say I teased him (which I tried not to), but he was respectful about it.

I don’t know if you’re spiritual but we’re both Christian’s, fairly devout, him more than me. So I think that contributed to him understanding my boundaries and not prioritizing sex. He asked me to be his girlfriend the following week, or basically week 3/4 in the month. We’ve been together ever since☺️ hopefully that kinda clarifies the whole thing about him expressing sexual interest.

[Asker]

Thank you for answering my long and many questions!

Oh, it wasn't that I didn't think long makeout phase was unrealistic. I simply didn't know that existed/exists - I thought there had to be progression on every date. I did not know that people have long makeout phase, just like some people might not know the names of every country that's out there. I just didn't have that knowledge about this aspect of dating.

I really would've stayed making out with this guy if I had known. I probably wouldn't have to be guessing so much, as he might've stayed focused on me and not behave in a way that's suspicious.

Or at least that way, I wouldn't have to worry so much about whether he's monogamous as he stated, because the reason why I'm worried is because I don't want him to get what he wanted and just played me.

[Asker]

He had said that he was looking for long-term and potentially get married. He did respect me when he suggested that we could make a meal at his or my place, and I said that I didn't feel comfortable. He did respect me when I said I wasn't going to sleep with him. Even when I asked him that we'd been on several dates and what he was waiting for to make a commitment, he didn't just say that he was ready just for the sake of getting in my pants. I thought those were good signs.

Dating is not easy and very time-consuming, that's why sometimes I can't date too many guys at a time, since just the texting and chatting part takes so much time, but that makes me focus on one guy if we ended up enjoying each other's company on several dates and spend 5+ hours each date, and I think it's not good to focus on a guy before knowing if he's wasting my time.

Dating is not easy, and I'm happy that you've found the right man for you. Happy Women's Day yesterday by the way 🧡

[Opinion Owner]

When he claimed he was looking for long term and marriage, that’s what would’ve personally prompted me to enact my 2 month rule. Because while I can appreciate the honesty, I have to see for myself if it’s actually honest.

Intention is everything, so if he has the intent to become official with you then it would happen regardless of when you have sex. The thing I’ve learned about myself though is that I can’t have this sort of intimacy without a commitment. Just as you don’t want him to get what he wants out of you and play you, I had the exact same fear and after the last failed situationship I was completely done with the disappointment or feeling used when I knew I was a good woman. Some men just aren’t equipped to handle that and it will eventually show through their behavior.

It’s interesting to me that you call it a long make out phase lol I mean sure it happens, but all that physical contact isn’t the priority. Even if you want it as well, a good portion of that is probably to keep the man appeased. It’s no secret that a guy can become impatient or frustrated if things are progressing (physically) at a certain pace. Now I find it as a turn off. If it’s a guy who “can’t keep his hands off me”, as if were meant to be flattered by his impatience and disrespect of our boundaries. I don't know, it’s just the more I learned about men, and how they will always put their needs first, the more I was able to stick to my guns.

Also you’re completely correct with what you said about dating. It can be so time consuming, and not easy whatsoever. Still, I’d say that if you’re going to do it, then really give it what you’ve got one good time and then take a break if nothing comes of it. I wouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket at least within the first month. He’d have to show significant signs of being worth my sole focus, so if that is what this guy is doing for you then that is what matters. Also thank you love, happy belated women’s day as well!☺️🤍

[Asker]

The reason why I said long makeout phase is because I didn't know people can keep making out every time they meet, for 2-3 months. I really didn't know that. I thought let's say first month seeing each other weekly with no physical contact, second month making out starts, also meeting weekly, I thought by end of second month or so people would go to sex. I really didn't know makeout phase can be that long in dating, and didn't know any guy would be willing to endure blue balls everytime he makes out with a woman, for months until a relationship is established. I guess making out did keep this guy happy as I feel that he was more into me at that time. I should've kept it longer then. Now I know I can keep that for months.

[Asker]

With my ex we went on a few dates then he said he wanted me to be his, so I didn't go through "dating" phase and wasn't familiar with how that worked.

In my definition, dating is if I'm going on dates (noun) with someone, I'm dating (verb) him, and people can date multiple people at a time, but in some people's definition dating means exclusive dating.

One time a guy asked if I was dating anyone, I said yes I had been going on dates with guys. He repeated his question with emphasis on "dating" - which didn't help anyway, as he just said the word, not explain the meaning. I asked his definition, he said going on dates with one person.

[Asker]

Anyway, I wasn't familiar with this "dating phase." I did wonder, also asked a question on GaG how people transition from dating phase to relationship. I wondered if 2 people just keep seeing each other and having sex until they both have enough information about each other to decide that there are ready to commit in a relationship. If I had known that making out phase can be that long, I would've kept it throughout the dating phase until this guy expressed that he is ready to commit in a relationship.

I've heard a guy said that he couldn't get into a relationship with a woman without knowing how the sex would be, and he said he was not going to just get into a relationship for the sake of having sex (when I told him that I would not have sex with a guy until I was in a relationship).

[Asker]

With this guy (whose the topic of my question) I wasn't intentionally focusing on him, didn't mean to focus on him, either. I just happened to had paused all dating apps at that time and hadn't been talking to anyone else to have dates to go on. This guy reached out to me after his months of travel.

Did you meet your fiance on dating app, if you don't mind me asking?

[Asker]

I totally agree with your word choice "appease." I didn't know that I could keep making out phase long to keep a guy appeased. I feel that doing so would make a guy have to spend time to get to know me, since I'm worried that once I had sex with a guy, meeting would be more time on sex and less time on getting to know each other.

Now I know more about dating and making out, I can be better prepared for my next date, when I'm ready. Thank you.

[Oliverlogan263]

Hmm that does seem kinda sus honestly. A few things sticking out to me:

- Him checking the map and time to that other place is weird if he was just picking up food after being with you. Why not just go straight home?

- Showering right after you hung out seems like he wanted to get ready for something else, not just work.

- His texts changing and less emojis is a sign.

It could be nothing but your gut is usually right about these things. I'd just keep an eye on how much he's texting/making plans and see if his story adds up. Maybe ask some questions next time you see him to get a better read. Really listen to your instincts - they don't lie usually! Hard to say for sure from this one thing, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility of him seeing someone else too. Just be carful and don't get too hung up on someone shady!

[Asker]

The map he was checking was to the place he was picking up food from - supposedly. It has a 3 point something stars so I don't know how anyone would recommend that place as "good" to him, for him to check it out.

I know he likes to be clean, but when we had sex at his place, he didn't shower, but that was late night so I don't know if he wanted to sleep or something that's why he didn't?

The work is needed to do is from home, on computer. He told me he showered to before coming to me (so why shower again?)

I was planning on asking him when I see him, but honestly, I don't know if I'll see him again. I didn't see him the past 2 Saturdays before that Saturday, but saw him 2/14 Wednesday and 2/21 Wednesday to watch him play a sport game for the league he was in. He asked me if I wanted to do something for Valentine's Day (which meant that he also skipped his game for that day since he plays on Wednesday evenings).

I don't know how he transitioned so quickly from wanting to spend Valentine's with me, to seeing another woman.

[Oliverlogan263]

Okay yeah those are some more red flags for sure.

A few things stand out:

- Why recommend a mediocre food place? Seems like an excuse to check it out, especially since he's looking up directions and timing.

- Showering twice does seem extra, if the "work" was really from home. Plus you said he didn't shower other times at his place.

- Going from spending Valentine's with you to seeing someone else quick does seem weird and sudden.

At this point I'd honestly be skeptical of his intentions. The signs definitely point to him being dishonest or seeing someone else behind your back. As much as it probably sucks to think about, I don't think you're overthinking here. Your gut is probably right.

If I were you, I don't know that I'd want to see him again. You deserve someone who is honest and committed to just you. Maybe just send him a text saying you're no longer interested because his behavior changed and you don't feel you can trust him. Then I'd cut contact and try to move on from this guy. It'll be harder confronting him directly if he'll just deny it anyway.

I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but from an outsider look, he doesn't seem trustworthy at all based on all those suspicious activities and sudden shift. You can do better than that! Let me know if you want help moving on or need anything else.

[Asker]

I mean, I can understand that anyone (a guy or woman) would want to take a shower after sex, but he could take that shower when he got home right, since he was home anyway? Unless he wanted immediately cleanliness, which then I would believe. I noticed he would go wash his hands after, ahem, giving me good fingering.

With the 3 point something star place, I'm thinking either direction. One is how would someone recommend him to check out that place if the rating is that low. The other way is would he go on a date at a place with such low rating?

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah true, taking a shower after sex makes total sense. But you're right that doing it right at your place instead of waiting till he got home is hella sus. Like he was in a rush to be fresh for something or someone else.

And good point about the shitty rated place - no way would he actually take a date there. Even if the food was ok, 3 stars ain't a good look regardless. Definitely seems like that was just a crappy excuse he made up on the spot to check the map.

Like I said before sis, your instincts are totally on point here. All signs point to him lying about a bunch of sketchy shit. I know it sucks to realize someone's disrespecting you, but better to face the truth now instead of wasting more time on his lame ass games.

You're way too good for that BS. Keep your head high and don't give him another chance to mess with your emotions! You'll find a real one soon I know it.

[Asker]

In regard to the restaurant, I meant maybe he was *not* going on a date there, because he probably wouldn't pick a place that had such low rating for a date.

Maybe he was just going to pick up food there (for himself) on his way home as he said, because the place was recommended to him, but then I cannot understand how anyone would recommend a place with such low rating as a good place.

[Asker]

Thank you for your kind words. I know I am a good woman, and I deserve better.

[Oliverlogan263]

Aww sis, I feel you, but trust - you're giving this dude way too much benefit here. Lemme break it down:

- Ain't NO way his boy "recommended" some 3-star dump. That story was bogus from jump.

- And if he really wanted food to go, why not just UberEats that shit home? Nah, he was for sure tryna meet up lowkey.

- Also, if he live anywhere near there, you KNOW he'd be calling out that nasty spot too.

I know you just wanna make sense of it, but his actions been straight disrespect from the start. You deserve someone who holds you down, not plays these games.

Please don't waste your time doubting yourself - this dude ain't shit! You're worth way more than his lies and shady explanations.

Text him right now and be like "we done, peace out." Then block him so he can't keep playin' in your head. I promise better dudes out there who gone see your value, feel?

You got this sis! Don't look back, just keep shining your light. Lemme know if you ever need an ear - I'm here for you!

[Asker]

Thank you so much I know that I deserve better! I'm a good woman and person. I can't let his guy dull my shine.

[Oliverlogan263]

For sure, don't let this clown bring you down! You seem like a really cool girl and every girl deserves a guy who treats them with respect. This dude obviously isn't it if he's acting shady and making you question things.

Just keep doing you - you've got way more important stuff to focus on than some guy who can't even give you a straight answer. Go hang with your girls, have fun, live your best life! The right guy will see how awesome you are and won't play games like this.

His loss, right? Screw that noise. You've got so much ahead of you, so don't waste another thought on some dude who doesn't even appreciate you. Keep shining bright, someone better will come along who you won't have to guess about. His strange behavior says it all - you're well rid of him!

[ManOnFire]

I think if he was intending to date someone else, he wouldn't have shown you the place that was suggested to him as a good spot to eat. Knowing that you will know where he will be, and if you really wanted to you could've followed him. When people are being shady about seeing someone else, they will be radio silent about where they're going and why. They don't want you to know that at all. They will see something on their phone, text someone, and say absolutely nothing about it. They are trying to be secret.

I'll give you a pass for overthinking on this one because I might understand how it can seem kinda fishy, but my investigation hasn't found anything damning lol. You also said your instincts are right sometimes. If it's not 70% or at least 85% of the time, then don't trust those instincts too much.

[Asker]

Thank you for your input, and for expressing it nicely!

I thought it was because if he waited till he sat in the car to check the driving time, he might've been late. I thought he wanted to check first, so he would know when to get out of my place to get to his car and plan his time accordingly.

[Asker]

What do you think of his plain texts with no Emoji, different from his baseline? I noticed his texts have been shorter as well. He used to text a lot. I meant 7+ messages of paragraphs.

I just try to be understanding and attribute that to him being too busy with work to text that much, even though it'd take 1 second to click on 1 Emoji. Just one, so that I would not suspect or overthink (as much).

[Asker]

He also had been texting me good morning and have a great day with 😘. Then it was good morning for a day or two after that day, then to no good morning, but he has texted that hope I have/had a good day.

He also hasn't suggested meeting on Saturdays as we usually met on Saturdays. I understand and don't need to meet every weekend, but I would just need good communication so I know what's going on.

[Asker]

I haven't brought up what I feel about his change in behaviors since we're not in a relationship yet, we're still dating, and I don't want to act like I'm needy because I'm not. Haha.

I don't need to meet every weekend. I'm only thinking about this because I assume that he's been seeing somebody else on weekends. (Hopefully I've been wrong about that.)

[Asker]

I don't expect a guy to send me extensive texts all the time and continue to do so once we've gotten to know each other more, since we have jobs and we're busy with life in general. I identify the reason why I'm picking up his short texts with no Emoji as signs of something is because of the timing that these happened. It was after that day when I suspected he was going on another date.

He said he was planning to work on his stuff and come to me for dinner. I actually thought that he had swapped his lunch date with another woman to dinner date, since I suggested to meet him for lunch. I don't know if guys do that 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Asker]

Oh he actually didn't show me the place. It's just that I saw he was looking at a food place from the angle he was sitting, and being a foodie myself (he too) I wanted to know what he was checking out.

But after he left, when I was excited to check out the place that he said was good and recommended to him, I found that the rating was 3.8 stars. I was not convinced that someone recommended him a place with such low rating.

[ManOnFire]

Ahhhh I see. Hmmm. Well, there does seem to be something odd about his change in texting habits, especially without emojis now. That would be more of an indication of something fishy than the restaurant thing. Now that you detailed all that, I'm not entirely sure either. From his strangeness in texting, it DOES seem like he could be losing interest.

Do you think you want to ask him?

[Asker]

How would I ask him about this? Do you think it's okay to ask? I don't want to come across as being clingy.

After I had sex with him, I noticed he was sending less Emojis, but at least before we saw each other the last time (that time when he was behaving strangely) he did occasionally send some Emojis, but a lot were mostly horny Emojis (the vegetables and fruits - if you know what I mean).

What would cause loss in interest in me, if we'd had so much good time prior to that? Unless he had been seeing somebody else therefore having another opinion to explore and put his interest in. That's my guess.

[Asker]

I don't know how to approach this situation. I didn't text him yesterday as I didn't see anything to respond to from his texts on the day before.

I would've asked him about this for sure if he and I had been in a relationship, since I would want a relationship to work. However, we're just in the dating phase.

When people have discussed that they're dating, is it kind of in between going on dates casually and being in a relationship? I know people can ghost people after first and second dates, but if we'd met several times and had spent so much time on each date, is it appropriate to just not say anything (which is kind of like ghosting)?

But if I don't text, he could still text me, if he was still interested in me, correct? We're not on dating site anymore. It's not like it's his turn or my turn, or this chat is going to close in this amount of days.

[Asker]

And I don't believe that ghosting is mature. I think that's for people who cannot communicate, to just avoid a situation and not address it. I highly value and believe in communication.

I'm just not sure if at this point, during the dating phase, there's a need to talk about this, since we're not in a relationship. I feel that some guys might think what's there to talk about, we're not even in a relationship yet, this woman is needed, etc.

And since I'm too tired to question him, as I'm unsure if I should or can, and how to address this to him, I'm just not texting him, basically removing myself from this situation. Even when I'm in a relationship, if I feel that communication is not going to work, and I don't want to be questioning a guy's behaviors because I don't want him to think that I'm trying to be a detective, keep tabs on him, etc. then I just don't say anything and slowly remove myself from the situation. That's the last resort. I believe in communication all the time...

[Asker]

If I were to say something I'd say "I feel that you've been different recently and want to know what the reason (s) are. If there's anything I can improve on my part?" I don't want to act like someone who puts self down though.

[ManOnFire]

I would put it a little differently than that, and DON'T say "If there's anything I can improve on my part?" because that's like you're groveling to him and assuming something you're doing is wrong, when maybe you really aren't. I would say lightly, "You seem a little different lately. Is everything okay with us?" Leave room for him to respond, if he does. Don't include too many details about what you really think, just simply inquire on the matter for starters.

But I kinda think maybe the best thing to do at the moment is to be radio silent with him. Let your silence be a message to him - because it will be. He'll wonder why you're not talking and will say something. Although I do have to warn you, if days go by or even a week and then he responds, you have to wonder why: is it because he really noticed you were quiet? Or because whoever else he may have been dating didn't work out and he wanted to come back your way?

Your instincts could be right about this situation. And if so my best idea would be to stay silent and see what happens.

[Asker]

Thank you. I don't feel that it'd be good to ask if everything's okay with "us" because I feel that until a relationship has been established, I don't see "us" and just as I think, he is on his own doing whatever he wants even if not consistent with his own words.

I was planning to not text him in the first place since he didn't text me the next day after he came to my place, but ended up asking him how the paperwork was the he had to do that day 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am really going to stay quiet this time.

I don't understand how he would not have said anything. Even if he wasn't emotionally invested in seeing where this dating phase would go, at least the sex would be a reason to reach out, unless he had/has also been having sex with another woman, in which case, would make me more upset, because we showed each other our STD test results. There would be no point of having negative tests if he was going to go out and mess up that negative status, and potentially pass any of other woman's STD to me. And STDs or not, I don't share a guy, period. I find just the thought of that being repulsive.

[Asker]

Thank you for your opinions.

[Asker]

What if, IF, this guy had been different not because he had been seeing another woman, but for other reasons, and what if he thought that I'm not interested since I haven't texted, and just not reach out at all?

I know there are people who are okay being ghosted and won't say anything but just move on. I'm mostly on this mindset but depending on each case. If I've had good interactions with a guy and I don't want all the good conversations and times we'd spent to just go like dusts, then I would ask once and if I don't get a response then I'd move on.

What if this guy hadn't been seeing anyone, but assumed that I'm not interested, while I assume the same about him, and he didn't reach out and just moved on?

[Asker]

I noticed that he has been shorter with me after that day, so either I said/did something that he didn't like, or he did go on a date after my place and he likes that woman more.

Regardless of what it is, I still won't text him for now and see what happens...

[ManOnFire]

I don't think that he thinks you're not interested. I think he can tell you very much are, and I don't think anything particularly consuming or troubling is going on in his life either that would take his attention away. When somebody really likes you, they stay in touch. They stay consistent. They don't change up on you.

It's POSSIBLE that maybe he's just losing interest and there is no other woman, but that is extremely rare. Vast majority of times when someone starts slacking off especially when dating, it's because they got into someone else.

Stand your ground and do not reach out to him for now. But even if HE does after some days, you need to wonder why that is. Just try to stay relaxed and see what happens. Treat it casually, even if the worst really is what you think. And if it is, you let him go.

[Asker]

I would highly dislike it if all this time he and I had spent on previous dates and all the long conversations we'd had, were just to make 2 night stands. I don't do casuals or short-term! I thought he was going for monogamous and goal was long-term into marriage as he said! Ugh! I've learned my lessons.

[Asker]

What if it was something that I did or say that day, as I remember you didn't think he was going to another date afterwards, so if it wasn't because of the date he went on after seeing me that day, then it would be me. If it was, I would want to know what I can work on, even if not to change the dynamics between him and me, at least for the future I can be better.

I always feel like I'm getting graded after meeting a guy each time, because that's when people ghost or make excuses to not keep in touch. I'm a good woman and person with a good heart. I wouldn't be able to understand if someone's going to not like me, for one thing I said or a habit which is different from theirs, despite all the other positive aspects of me. I shouldn't be ghosted. I should be the one ghosting guys (although I prefer communication, with people that I've had extensive interactions.)

[ManOnFire]

If you did do something, then he is a lot worse for not communicating that to you. You can't know what you did without him telling you, so don't beat yourself up about it too badly.

You could be right in that being the reason for his silence, or because he really is on with someone else. But either way, it's not your job to mull over it if he won't tell you. He has a responsibility to be honest. If he doesn't want to show that then he's not the right one for you anyway. Let's just see what happens.

[ManOnFire]

Any update?

[Anonymous]

Not enough to go on honestly. If he was seeing someone else, why not do all that in his car when he's gone? And you already asked before if he was seeing someone else. Seems like you don't trust this guy and you'll probably be suspicious again.

[Asker]

I actually thought the opposite. I thought if he was just going to pick up food, he could've checked the map when he was sitting in his car ready to drive, unless he wanted to plan when to leave my place based on the time it would take to drive to that place for his date at the time he needed.

He didn't clearly say "no" or he wasn't seeing anyone else. He said we're dating and I asked if he was seeing anybody else, he said he didn't do "non monogamous like some people."

When it's a guy that I'm getting to know, whether it'd be a new boyfriend, especially when I've observed suspicious behaviors, I usually don't trust until I find reasons to trust him.

[spartan55]

You don't trust him, based on your rampant overthinking... just end it for both of you.

[Asker]

Which part of him did you see trustworthy, based on my observations of his behaviors?

[Asker]

I don't distrust a guy if he doesn't behave suspiciously. I only suspected him because the combinations of his behaviors indicated that he was going on a date.

[spartan55]

I didn't see anything that couldn't be easily explained away. You are heaping a ton of assumptions along with your 'observations of his behaviors'. You decided to have sex with him without a committment, so take some accountability for that.

[Asker]

I'm okay that you think I'm overthinking. I just want to know your rationale.

I did ask for opinions on this situation and ask if I'm overthinking.

Whether you think I'm overthinking or not, I want to know what factors you've taken in to arrive at your conclusion.

[Asker]

He did say that we were monogamous.

I don't understand how I'm getting shamed for having sex (not after first, second or a few dates) with a guy I'm dating monogamously while there are people who sleep around for one night stands.

And let me ask you, if you had been going on dates with a woman, wouldn't you ghost her by second date if she hadn't slept with you?

I've read too many guys' comments on here about how they would not continue to date women if they don't have sex with them on first or second dates. Then you guys shame women. I think your words are contradictive.

[Asker]

Even if a guy said he's committed to a relationship, that does not mean anything anyway. People can cheat in relationships, even marriage, so "commitment" is not bulletproof.

[laly520]

so u dont trust him

thats big issue

[Asker]

Let me ask you, would you trust a guy if you see him displayed all these behaviors?

[Asker]

I don't just trust for no reasons, that's why I described the situations.

[laly520]

he sus for sure
I won't keep seeing a guy like that