Why would a guy try to convince me that healing doesn't mean forgetting about him?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Forgetting about someone is remaining hurt and nursing that hurt into a sheild. I think people often mistake 'moving on' for 'forgetting'. When we move on, we need to find the place where our feelings make sense again and that doesn't work if we just pretend the feelings never happened or the person invoking those feelings just doesn't exist.

To truly "heal" (assuming healing means get over the hurt of a breakup) a person needs to process why the breakup happened, find in themselves their side of the break up and be honest about that, understand the other sides reasons to break up and then accept it is over.

Now, that he doesn't want to be forgotten means that he cares for you. It means it would hurt him too to be "forgotten" vs "moved beyond". I know, from my experience with my ex-girlfriend, that I am very very VERY glad we remained friends, because afterwards I was there to support her when we WAS moving on. She met Dan and we where still talking (not seeing one another) she was super sad every time we talked thinking about our past, and I listend to her hurt and she lashed out but also aprechated me being there and that I still cared. Then, I noticed, when she spoke about Dan, first Dan was lovely and doing stuff that no guy would do for any girl (I mean, he would study with her for 8 hours at a time on a subject he wasn't taking!). I noticed that was the one time she was 'animated' again and not sad and I just said "Your falling for him" very matter o'factly... she cheered up... she said "do you REALLY think he likes me" and I pointed out no guy studies for 8 hours with a girl on a subject the don't take without actually feeling some kind of love.

So yes, they have now been together for over 10 years and I've been their mutual friend (though I think Dan get's a bit miffed when my ex accidently uses my name when she's clearly addressing him, but i know she doesn't even notice that and she absolutely adores Dan without reserve ~smile). So yeah, your guy is wise... but maybe also slightly selfish, I maybe was, I still care for my ex-gf, but I don't care to spend TOO much time with her hehe.

So yeah. That's my advice.

[Asker]

I agree it is a bit selfish

[Opinion Owner]

Well, I was right and my ex-gf is happy (and happier knowing our friendship outlasted everything). Also, I think it allowed her the extra time she needed to move on.

Love sometimes doesn't work out as a couple, but hopefully the reasons we get togehter are based on love, and that will outlast whatever troubles (but its not a magic thing that can 'fix anything' either).

Hope you can find your way forward too, and, I am certain my ex-gf is glad at the end of the day. Hope you can find your similar outcome. Sometimes, if you do feel like you need to 'forget' getting distance and allowing other guys to provide support and comfort as friends is best way to find yourself again. All the best.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. One possibility is that he hopes to eventually reconcile and therefore wants to remain in your conscious thoughts so that the reconciliation will be expedited.

2. Another possibility is that he accepts the end of the relationship and does not want to reconcile, but also does not want to think that he was so unimportant that he could easily be forgotten.

3. Whatever his motivation may be, he is correct. Healing does not require forgetting and, frankly, if it was a significant relationship, HOW could you forget? I still remember girls I dated 50 years ago. EVERY significant relationship has the potential to teach you about yourself, your needs and desires. There are things that went right, and you can decide how important those things will be in your future relationships. There are things that he did, or qualities that he had, that you will decide should be avoided in future relationships. And YOU did some things that contributed to the failure of the relationship - even if your fault lies strictly in having selected the wrong partner. All of these things can help you to have better relationships in the future, but not if you forget about the relationship.

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks for MHO!

[laly520]

he doesn't want u to truly heal n he wants to keep being present in ur life, memories

[Mr_twoface]

Because he wants you back or at least get lucky with you and is playing mind games.

[dudeinohio]

Heal the way YOU need to, not how he tells you. Kind of like the virus providing the cure.