Why do men hurt you then say “I hope you find someone who loves you the way you need/want to be loved?”?

[Anonymous]

What’s the point of a man saying something like that when he kind of hurt you in the worst way…

Do they think the girl will feel like she actually deserves to be loved that way that?

I think it’s the worst thing to say

[Hanrej]

Usually when men say that it means they're fed up trying to convince a woman they're loved. Most men could empty their accounts, work overtime just to be able to pay for her expenses, forgetting about themselves and women will take their affection for granted or completely change their minds about what they want expecting their men to change according to womens whims.

By the time men use that phrase they've decided the rewards arn't worth the effort and have already concluded that they're either being taken advantage of or a long term relationship isn't possible with the woman they're dating. Particularly in the latter case the phrase is used as a sort of genuine wish of "good luck" while it also clearly signals that this particular man doesn't have more affection to give.

[Asker]

This was after a date and he said that after ghosting me for weeks

[Hanrej]

Hmm so after one date he had already concluded that you had no future together.

[Asker]

It just hurt how he went about it.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I don't deliberately hurt anyone I really care about, so it's impossible for me to answer

[TommyMountainFigure]

After reading your response to several people, I can only assume after the date he felt guilt (maybe he was already with someone?) The fact he disappeared, only to tell you that, seems more like a lack of empathy rather than to cause you pain.

[Asker]

You think he was already in a relationship or?

[Asker]

And he didn’t feel anything… I sent multiple text to see what happened… did I do anything…. Do I need to get my face done….

I just felt extremely hurt and devastated… his “closure “ hurt a lot when he finally called

It’s like I didn’t matter

[TommyMountainFigure]

Hey come on.. stop beating yourself up over this. NONE of this is on you. Let me explain how things look from my point of view.. The guy has had an argument with his g/f and decides to go on a date with you. They make up only now he feels guilty. He doesn't know how to tell you. So he leaves things until the coward builds up the courage to call you. When he finally does, he doesn't know how to justify the way he's treated you so he spins you that line, leaving you devastated. But like I said up there.. I doubt he meant to hurt you, but didn't have the words OR wouldn't be honest.
Again though.. NONE of this is on you.. You don't have to change anything about yourself.

At least that's how I see the way events unfolded.

[Asker]

I do think there was someone else. He probably just wanted sex.

I told him in the beginning that I wasn’t looking for anything casual or long term and that I didn’t mind talking as friends or being a placeholder until he moved on.

But he said he was struggling to understand that and tried to figure out why. I tried my best to self sabotage. I feel like he was logical and didn’t push.. that’s what really attracted me to him. But oddly enough he said he didn’t want the placeholder thing and we almost stopped talking … he wanted to know the safest way to interact with me… he told me I shouldn’t punish everyone for what someone else did…

I told him I was willing to take things slow.. but honestly that’s when things started to change.. he wasn’t very receptive to it like I thought he would be

He said he was being careful when I asked him about it.

But on the date ig he just wasn’t interested.. maybe he wasn’t attracted to me. I felt he tried to devalue me or idk… like he said “I’m scared to sleep with you because I’m scared you’ll be crazier “ or “does your dad know you post those pics”… it hurt because I didn’t expect those words to come from him,.. I thought he cared.. it hurt a lot.. i didn’t understand why he was talking to me like that

[Asker]

He doesn’t feel guilty. He doesn’t care. I tried reaching out to him for weeks and he didn’t respond

I told him how much it was effecting my mental health and I apologized etc that’s when he had some basic human decency

[TommyMountainFigure]

To some people, other people don't matter, and that is the sad truth. So where do you go from here?

[Asker]

What’s that supposed to mean?

After writing all that I can’t get another explanation or reply to that

[Asker]

Great choice of wording 👍👎

[TommyMountainFigure]

I mean, you are in a state of flux. You cannot go back and change what he said, and you cannot spend your life dwelling on it either. So, where do you go from here was the logical question to ask.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I get you are full of anger towards the world. I do. but not everyone is out to hurt you!

[Asker]

That’s not what the fuck I asked. Don’t worry about how I deal with my shit. I deal with it the best way I can

[Asker]

I just asked you to tell me what you think about what I just said

[Asker]

I’m not angry

[TommyMountainFigure]

Ok I will back off. If or when you need my help, you know where I am.

[Asker]

I just wanted you to comment on the story I wrote

[TommyMountainFigure]

And that is what I did, but you told someone else you've been stuck in this loop for 6 months. Are you STILL going to be stuck i a year? 2? or 6 years time? I was merely thinking of the bigger picture.. It's worrying that you don't seem to be!

[Asker]

After all what I said you think he had a girlfriend this whole time?

[TommyMountainFigure]

Yes I do.

[Asker]

How are you so sure?

[TommyMountainFigure]

It can be only one of two possibilities. 1) He had a g/f or 2) he was being honest when he called you crazy.
Which would you rather believe? Exactly. I choose to believe the first one too.

[Asker]

I don’t want to live anymore. This hurts

I can’t cope with abandonment

[Asker]

Maybe both

[TommyMountainFigure]

Hurting you is the last thing I wanted to do. I'm really sorry.

[TommyMountainFigure]

What can I do to fix things?

[Asker]

I just don’t understand why he had to demean me… like saying “I’m scared to sleep with you bc you’ll be crazier “ or “does your dad know you post those pics “….. like he never brought up my pics ever

[TommyMountainFigure]

Do you hate him now or still have feelings for him?

[Asker]

Both.. I don’t know

But can you tell me why he said that?

[TommyMountainFigure]

I can hazard a guess, but you've already told me you don't want to live any more. Don't you think you've suffered enough?

[Asker]

It can’t hurt more than it does

Go ahead and tell me so I can forget about him

[TommyMountainFigure]

We've had 26 interactions so far, and all I've managed to do is upset you. What say you give my way a try, and see if I can help you feel better than you did before you asked your original question up there?

[Asker]

No

Just say it

[Asker]

I was joking around

[TommyMountainFigure]

Joking around with which bit?

[Asker]

The wanting to hurt myself lolol 🤣 sorry if I scared you

But I would like to know the truth about why he said that

[TommyMountainFigure]

I don't play games and I have no time for liars!. When you are ready to tell me the ACTUAL truth, add me and message me and I will help any way I can!

[Asker]

I just don’t understand why you can’t tell me? Please.

[Asker]

What a jerk

[Summerlazing]

Honestly, I would guess he was just trying to be nice. I imagine he feels a bit bad about disappointing you.

Yes, it is patronising, and it would’ve been better had he told the day after the date. But at least he eventually let you know even if it did take weeks to do that much.

Hey, I was ghosted a year ago by a guy who I still run into regularly. When it first happened he would just stare sadly at me when he saw me. We would inadvertently lock eyes, then stop dead in his tracks and stare into my eyes untilI broke the gaze and walked off. He totally messed with my head for a bit. So I started blanking him. But he still stares now whenever I see him.

At least you have an explanation and closure.

[Asker]

Yeah he only reached out after trying to contact him multiple times asking what I did

[Summerlazing]

I hate ghosting, it’s gutless and all they need to do is just say thanks but no thanks. It’s not hard!

People suck sometimes and I really don’t understand them most of the time either. Just take a moment to feel sad, but then decide to move on.

Sounds annoying but don’t let these guys put you off finding love. There really is an awesome guy out there for you.

[Asker]

It’s been 6 months and I still feel incredibly depressed

[Summerlazing]

Trust me I still want to punch the guy who ghosted me, and that was a year ago. Especially as he’s all smiles and sweetness with everyone else, but couldn’t even be bothered to tell me it was over, and did it under SERIOUSLY shady circumstances too. He then goes and acts like he cares or something whenever he sees me. But he doesn’t.

It’s hard not to take it personally, but he’s not worth wasting time on. You seem like someone with a lot of love to give to a man who deserves it, but this guy ain’t it!
It’s not easy, but before you know it this WILL be a distant memory. It might even be worth finding someone to talk to about it? My experience acted as a trigger for past traumas, which just made it worse. Talking really helped me.

[Asker]

I only feel incredibly hurt about it because I felt like he was the emotionally mature one. I didn’t even want to talk … I told him that I would just be a placeholder until he moves on… but I made it clear that I didn’t want sex nor was I looking for something serious… I feel like he was the one trying to figure out why and he said he didn’t understand the whole placeholder thing.

I looked at it as him seeing me as something else and I felt he cared “I thought “… for example I told him I was protecting my emotional well being (big mistake)… and he ask me what’s the safest way to interact with you… or when he said you shouldn’t punish everyone for someone else’s sin… so I thought oh maybe he’s fr… maybe he does want more

But he got me good. Men are deceiving. He wanted me to believe he was a good guy

[1073sucks]

They usually don’t love you anymore as a lover when they say that.

[Asker]

This was after a date and he said that after ghosting me for weeks

[sheikalana]

He's basically telling you he can't ben the man he expects you to be and to forget about him.

[Asker]

This was after a date and he said that after ghosting me for weeks

[sheikalana]

On that date he realized that things are not going to work between the both of you.

[Asker]

It’s not the rejection itself it’s how he went about it…there’s a bit of a backstory to understand why I’m so hurt about it.

But I feel like he tried to sabotage the date … he became less careful with his words…

Like when he said I’m scared to sleep with you because I’m scared you’ll be crazier

[sheikalana]

I mean your choice of words were a bit weird too. Whatever happened I think you shouldn't feel that way about someone you went on a date with.

[Asker]

How were my words weird?

[sheikalana]

' I’m scared you’ll be crazier' that's not exactly a nice thing to say.

[Asker]

That’s what I’m saying… like he wasn’t careful with his words

[sheikalana]

Oh I'm sorry i thought you were the one saying that. See I don't know what happened between you and him and without a backstory is hard to have an opinion but my guess is that during that date he quickly realized he doesn't want to go forward with things and since he doesn't care he doesn't see the need to appear charming anymore.

[Asker]

Yeah , I definitely feel like he self sabotaged which really lowered my self esteem but it’s whatever

[sheikalana]

Please don't. Don't lose your sleep over this. It was just a date. It's worthless to try to analyze him. Move on and keep going.

[Asker]

It’s easier said than done. You could never understand why it hurts so bad. Nobody wants to be treated like nothing especially when you thought that person liked you and you felt like he was the first men who came correct…

[DishLady]

There’s probably nothing polite left to say by the time they say that.

[Asker]

🥺🥺🥺

The fact that he doesn’t mind another man loving me just let’s me know he really doesn’t want me

[DishLady]

🤷🏻‍♀️ Again, it’s just something all guys say when there’s nothing else to say to you to politely shake you off.

[Anonymous]

It means exactly what he said... he can't/doesn't want to love you the way you need him to and he hopes you find someone else.

Why do women always think there's some secret, hidden meaning to everything?

[Asker]

That’s not what I asked

[Opinion Owner]

That's exactly what you asked.

"Why would he say blah blah blah" when he literally told you why he said it... he isn't the one for you and he hopes you find the right person.

[Anonymous]

If you knew he didn't want to love you then why are you chasing after him?

[Asker]

Who said I was chasing him? No , that’s not how it all went down.

[Opinion Owner]

Then why are you heart broken? You were expecting something from him and got rejected

[Asker]

I wasn’t expecting anything but communication and basic human decency

[Opinion Owner]

I think he knows he's a pile of shit

[Asker]

To me but probably not to other women

[Opinion Owner]

He's just a user.. to all women

[Asker]

At 37… probably gay.

[Opinion Owner]

Well you seem disappointed

[Asker]

Hurt.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm sorry love

[Pterodon]

It means he can’t love you the way you want

[Asker]

He didn’t want to love me at all