Was I groomed by my now ex boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Going anonymous for obvious reasons. When I was 16( I'm 20 now), my ex messaged me on Instagram and we chatted for a couple days. I got to know that he's 9 years older than me, meaning he was 25, a full fledged adult, messaging a school going teenager. At that time I thought it was "cool" and "edgy" that an older guy was into me. He insisted on starting a relationship, and I had really low self-esteem back then, so I thought that if I say no, no one else would ever date me. I agreed, and it went on for a couple months. We never got physical, we didn't even kiss each other, and I was hesitant about even letting him hold my hand. He used to talk sexual stuff with me, even went as far as saying that my boobs are small and he could "do something about it". This worsened my insecurities but I still didn't want to get physical with him. Because of all these crippling insecurities, I broke up with him and he was surprisingly understanding about it. But now that I look back, I'm conflicted because he didn't really give me predatory such as forcing me to get physical and creating a scene about breaking up , but at the same time he commented negatively about my chest, knew my age and still chose to date me. Was he grooming me? Or I'm just over analyzing?

[BullShark]

To put it simply, yes, he was grooming. Coaxing someone 9 years younger into dating you, knowing they have low self esteem IS GROOMING. It doesn't necessarily mean they have to take advantage of you physically or did anything sexual, but as you said, they did talk to you sexually, and commented on your (undeveloped and premature) breasts, which in of itself is WILD.

And I think I should make this clear, but you ARE NOT at fault here for dating that grown ass adult. As you said, you were vulnerable and this grown ass man knew of it and took his chances to shoot his shot. If anything, he needs to be put in jail because there really is clear intent right there when he clearly said he'd "do something about them"

[Asker]

Well what I'm conflicted about is why he was soo understanding about me wanting to break up because I genuinely thought he would create a scene but it was surprisingly easy

[BullShark]

It's simple, really. He never really loved you like that and was simply dating you because he was probably bored and desperate for attention and acceptance from the opposite gender. A lot of pedophiles who date younger kids are mostly just in it for the sexual reasons because kids are typically easier to manipulate and wrap around your finger, and can can flex their authority over them with much ease.

In your case, you weren't technically a "child" child, but you were still vulnerable mentally (as you mentioned in your question how you had low self esteem) and this guy saw that opportunity, took his chances with you, and got lucky.

Also, thanks for choosing me as the MHC. Glad I could help ^^

[AviatorTom]

Groomed for what? Ultimate sex, most likely. By taking things slow, he was building your confidence in him. Eventually, he most likely planned to use that confidence to get you to do things you wouldn't normally do.

You were smart to end things. Find someone closer to your age who wants to get to know you, and spend time with you.

[boggboss]

It depends on how people virlew things by default even if he was the most gentlemanly possible by default many will have the opinion any 25 year old guy talking to a 16year old girl in a sexual manner is grooming her or a predator

[slatyb]

Trust your feelings. It was creepy. You were far too young for him to be dating you.

[jahaims]

You're an idiot if you have to ask.