Why does my husband turn things on me when I try to better myself by learning things on my own?

[Anonymous]

I am a professional dancer and am starting a new online course for my students and for the public to purchase. I told my husband my plans and we talked briefly but he was acting standoffish when I would ask him to look at what I was doing to get his feedback. We then we got into an argument because he feels like I don't allow him to “use his skills” but I tried explaining to him that I learn by doing and when I need help, I ask him for it. I have always taught myself how to edit, market, film, etc. He pays all the bills currently but I am looking to make my own money and I believe it bothers him that I want more independence. I once got booked for a big artist and it felt like he wanted to sabotage it and keep me from going but I went anyway. This is reminding me of that time. It was like he hated the idea of me doing something that could generate good money but masks it with “his feelings” about not being used for things I already know how to do. Then when I explain my point of view, it’s now I don’t care about his feelings then he storms out the room. How did me telling him about what I’m planning to do turn into that? I don’t see myself being with him by the time I’m 30. Currently, 28. He’s done this often. He’s 38 by the way.

Updates

+1 y

I had an aunt tell me he’s jealous of me but I don't know if I believed it until now.

[avery58]

He's seems very insecure. Maybe he thinks you'll leave him if you start being more financially independent.

It's also true that some guys like to be the breadwinners, but if he knew you had your own goals he should have told you that he preferred a housewife from the start.

You should explain to him that as he shared his income with you, you'll also share yours with him since you're a marriage. And that more money entering a household is always good and brings more opportunities and security.

[Asker]

I’ve already had plenty of these talks with him. And said I was not the type to not help my partner and I do In the best of my ability but it’s like he wants complete dominance otherwise I’m not being submissive. It’s starting to be disturbing. Yet he has about 7 teeth that have fallen out and anytime I be a good wife and make him a dental appointment, he never seems to prioritize that.

[avery58]

If he won't listen to you then you should really reconsider if your paths are going down the same road. You shouldn't lose yourself or what you want for anyone, especially if that person was clear about what you wanted from the beginning

[DishLady]

To be fair, the guy wants to be part of your professional world by being helpful to you. Just because you CAN do everything on your own doesn’t mean you have to. Try to make space for him… which is what he’s telling you when he mentions his feelings.


You’ve got the ocd/paranoia that’s very typical of folks in your profession, so in your case I’d recommend handing him a chart/list of things he can help you with (however small) so he feels like he’s being useful to you.


And be grateful he’s not some f-ing deadbeat couch potato who expects his woman to do everything for him both at home and financially.

[HusamRocks]

It hurts his feelings that his ideas, directions or comments... r not needed so he is useless to u when it comes to this

Or he can't take it that u want independence when he provides everything which makes him feel what he's been doing is not enough for u

This ends leading him feeling insecure

I don't think this is about him being jealous

[ProbablyClueless]

Abusive people batter their victims down to keep them controlled.

[Asker]

I sent him a link to a website that could help me with my course building. He left that on read and as I was just cleaning my teeth and couldn’t talk. He came into the room to ask what our son ate but I couldn't speak just yet so he rolled his eyes and walked out. Something weird is going on. I’m sick of it.

[Avicenna]

It's how he is

[Asker]

What do you mean by that?