My husband keeps belittling me?

[CuriousCat8797]

I feel like my husband is always belittling or dismissing the importance of anything I do.
During an argument he will always bring up how he makes all the money and none of what we have would be possible if it weren't for him. He has a good job and makes a lot of money, I haven't been able to find work in recent years because I moved country for him, which meant I needed approval from the Government first then Corona virus happened and I suffered severely from depression from a while. I do however try my best not to over spend and take care of things like cleaning, laundry, essential shopping and caring for our pets. He seems to think what he does is superior and I get the feeling that even when I do get a job, because I'll be making less then him he will still feel like everything is his achievement and nothing I do will be as important to our lives as his job. This use to make me feel worthless but now I feel angry and realize this is quite demeaning behavior but I don't know how to deal with it.

Updates

+1 y

I also want to make clear I display lots of support towards him and am always saying how proud I am of him, I'm under no delusion that what he does is very important to our sustainability but I don't feel like that means the things I do are of little value.

Updates

+1 y

What I really want to know is, do you think money alone is the value of a person in a relationship? Or can you bring other equally important things to the table?

[HollyK21]

It’s time to gain some independence. Unfortunately you’ve married a man who likes having financial leverage and belittling you over how codependent you are to him. It’s a power thing, and confidence booster, makes him feel like control. So many men are like this in relationships, and honestly I believe he will continue to create arguments even if you have your own money, simply because that’s who he is as a person and that either works for you or it doesn’t. Regardless, at least you’d have your own shit, and that’s what matters. So look for a job, doesn’t matter how well it pays, the money is yours and there’s a lot of pride in that. Set up a separate bank account that he can’t touch, basically getting your own stuff.

[CuriousCat8797]

That's exactly what I'm planning in doing right now, I never wanted to be codependent on him but moving to the US made that impossible for me to avoid until now. I still feel like he'd claim credit fir everything even when I start contributing financially and that bothers me.

[HollyK21]

It’s ok, we’ve all gotten ourselves into situations that we didn’t intend, at one point or another. What matters is what you’re doing to get yourself out of it, and the fact that you are actively looking for work should make you proud of yourself. It bums me out that you’ve uprooted your life and moved to another country, and this is what you get from him. It almost makes me feel like he was just waiting for an opportunity to be this way, and now he feels a lot of control over you. It’s ok though, this won’t be forever and If he continues to be a jerk, then if you wanted to separate in the future, you’d have the means to do so.

[CuriousCat8797]

Thank you so much for the advice and support

[HollyK21]

No worries! I wish you so much luck with this🤍

[Unit1]

"What I really want to know is, do you think money alone is the value of a person in a relationship?"

Lots of pinks (if not most of them) seem to agree on that - or at least that it's the dominant factor of a person's relationship value but won't talk about it to us. How insulting this is to men.

Sadly for you your marriage turns out to be somewhere in the toxic spectrum. He leverages his big earnings as a weapon against you and that's no way to nurture a relationship. Get a marriage counseling session or something so he can see how what he does impacts you. And if that won't change anything? Then nothing else will but a divorce.

[CuriousCat8797]

Thank you for the advice. Not sure what you meant in lots of women agreeing with my statement? I believe anyone who values money more than anything in a relationship is severely lacking in good moral fiber or substance because any person with more to them would value good traits in a person above all else. It's funny because I see this clearly when thinking of others but when your own partner holds there earnings above your head its easy to feel you have less value when in all reality its simply not true.

[Unit1]

Aye. When they leverage their high salary against their partner, then that can be considered as an attack of abusive nature. Ideally salary wouldn't be a huge factor to date or to not date as long as feelings are involved but we do not live in a world, where shelter, food and safety are freely available.

My other advise? Don't get burned if you don't have to be burned.

[kkirk4442]

He is verbally and emotionally abusive, so it's little wonder than you don't know how to deal with it.

[ChocoBrowny]

im afraid to say this is going down a dark path of abuse, he is demonstrating narcisst behaviour and doesn't respect the fact that you moved countries for him. He doesn't love you and isn't in love with you anymore.

[andy530]

No money is not the value of a person and it makes me sad and frustrated to hear he seemly does not value you or your contributions to the relationship

[anylolone]

Good chances he's fucking shit up somewhere and projecting or just regrets marrying.

(Ps: fucking shit up doesn't necessarily means cheating, could be. Could also be financially, who the fuck knows)

[Anonymous]

You are in an unequal relationship as per modern standards. That’s bound to happen. I don’t think there’s much you can do. Talk to him about it , if nothing happens you have to find your way out

[CuriousCat8797]

I'm not sure what you mean by your first statement? Are you saying if someone makes more money then you then they are more valuable than the other person in the relationship? Aren't morals, loyalty and love more valuable than money?

[Opinion Owner]

He brings money in your relationship , you bring morals , loyalty. Equal is when both bring money and morals , loyalty , love. Soon other person will feel that their partner is not bringing something

[EaterPeter]

I am sorry to hear that dear.

[EaterPeter]

Money alone is not enough. Other qualities can be brought to the table. Therapy. Different social currency. 5 love languages. Relationship cures. Need and want statements. Or the whole book. I bet my partner was feeling same way. I was not able to invent new ways to encourage her. Both of us were severly on negative override.

[EaterPeter]

Repair attempts did not seemed to be working and worst, were going completely unidentified.

[EaterPeter]

Please get help before too late.

[EaterPeter]

Thanks kitty!

[Anonymous]

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